Wait! Let Me Explain...

Oy vey, is it just me or are weekends too short?


One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood- or rather, being judged unfairly without having a chance to explain myself properly. I don't know why this is such a big deal for me- one part of me says, "who CARES what people are thinking?" but the other part really does care. A lot. Everything I do, I feel a need to explain in detail, to rationalise, to justify. Part of this is justifying things to myself- I judge myself more harshly than possibly anyone else judges me. I have been finding more and more that I am second-guessing every choice I make, trying to find a reason behind it (why am I picking tuna for lunch? why did I eat an apple and not a banana? why did I buy that brand of toothpaste?) Everything needs to have a valid reason and method to it. It's not enough for me to just say, "I put granola in my yogurt because I wanted to"- I feel like I need to approach it scientifically and explain it further ("I needed some carbs/fat/extra calories to make up for a lighter dinner/blahblah"). When did it get so complicated? Why is it not just enough to go with the flow and do what *I* want without fear that I'll have stones thrown at me?!

I started writing this thinking more about my fear of being judged by other people- though the more I think about it and the more I write, I think that my biggest fear is the criticism I dole out to myself. The guilt, the risk that something might go wrong, the relentless pursuit of my elusive dream of 'perfection'.

"It is easy to protect the body from poisoned arrows, but impossible to shield the body from the poisoned darts that originate within itself"

I need to work on chilling the heck out fostering a more compassionate attitude towards myself. To find a balance between caring what others think of me, but also accepting that their opinions and judgements are based on their own ideas and opinions and not necessarily factual. And most importantly, to ease up on myself. I keep talking about this but it's an ongoing struggle to let go of the idea that I need to be a certain way/do things perfectly for fear of what might happen if I loosen the reigns, and trust that I am 'okay' just as I am...

"Sometimes the only means of transport available is a leap of faith"

In other news:

I am 95% sure that I am going to be moving over to Wordpress. I've set up a blog and am ironing out the kinks and trying to figure it out- it's not as user-friendly as Blogspot, but I think the change will be worth it. Has anyone who has made the transfer found 1) a way to set up my blogroll to either be in order of most recently updated like this blog, or 2) is there any way I can automatically redirect people who go to old site to new one?

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For breakfast I made 'Sunshine Cheesecake' again in an attempt to combat the grey sky I woke up to.


Just as good the second time around (that's what she said!) I feel like this tastes too dessert-like to be a 'healthy' breakfast.

There was a Clif bar consumed...

Maple nut- hands down, my all-time favourite flavour. I love anything maple flavoured. When I was growing up, we only ever had real maple syrup if we had pancakes- it wasn't until I was in New York when I was 22 that I was introduced to 'pancake syrup'. What IS that stuff? Is it supposed to taste like maple syrup? I like it (hello, sweet and sog-inducing?) but...eh? Real maple. All the way.

Aaaaaand, a fiesta salad (soon to be followed by a siesta- I got up at 4am!)

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and a rather generous scoop of salsa on a bed of sprouts and spinach.

Question: what do you like on pancakes/waffles? Maple syrup? Pancake syrup? Jam? Yogurt? Fruit? It's rare that I eat them, but when I do, I'd take real maple if I had the choice. Though when I was in France, the crepes with banana and nutella were amazing!

Rocking It Out In The School Of Life

Things I Have Learnt This Week

• houses do not clean themselves
• if an electrical appliance looks like a safety hazard, it probably should not be used
• some things are better left unsaid
• Amy’s Kitchen make delicious meals but they are designed to be ugly enough that nobody would pass them off as their own cooking
• sometimes the person you expect to kick you when you are down is the one who helps you back up
• being true to myself is more important to me than compromising who I am to fit in
• I can’t control what anyone else does or says, just how I respond to them
• all it takes is one person to say, “I believe in you” to make everything feel okay again
• crack wraps were the missing piece in my self-devised tailor-made food pyramid
• I worry too much about what people think
• I don’t say “I love you” enough to the people I would want to hear it
• everyone needs a little cheerleading squad in their lives, but it’s also a good idea to have your own pom-poms ready
• the only way to overcome a fear is to face it head on
• words have a tendency to get lost in translation and can hurt like hell when they do
• if I get up at 4;30am and go back to bed after breakfast, it’s very likely that I will be half-asleep all day
• everyone makes mistakes sometimes
• living in the ‘real world’ requires a lot of compromising, a lot of patience and a lot of compassion
• I have a very limited vocabulary when it comes to describing good food. My words of choice are: delicious, great, amazing, fabulous (note to self: bookmark a thesaurus)
• using a list format for posts is awesome when I am feeling lazy makes it easier to formulate my thoughts

Munchables…

I woke up with a Hugh Jass mug of coffee bowl of purple goodness.

Oats, blueberries, Fage and a twist on Emily's PBU (I used almond butter, which I guess makes it 'ABU'?). Emily- you are a GENIUS! According to an online thesaurus, I can describe this as appealing, delectable, delicious, delish, divine, flavorsome, heavenly, inviting, luscious, mouthwatering, palatable, saporous (eh?!), scrumptious, tantalizing, tasty or yummy. I’m going to go with all of them. Yes, it was that good.

Why do they not make more nut butter flavoured things? There is no shortage of bars/cookies/cereals, but why not yogurt, milk, etc? I know we make our own combinations, but there are so many different flavours of yogurts out there but no nut butter ones. I'd pick that over 'lemon chiffon' anyday. (Stonyfield? Yoplait? You reading this?) Or peanut butter hot chocolate? I might need to order some PB2...

Lunch also included (but was NOT limited to) something which could be described the same way as my breakfast, but I won’t write out the whole list again hit “ctrl + p” again.

As much as I love mushrooms and spinach, I really just wanted the hummus. Think I could make a hummus smoothie? Just blend this all up and call it a Chick(pea) Monsteress?

The rest of my food over the last 24 hours has been rather dull in comparison, so I won’t bore you. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before so don’t lose sleep over it… ;)

Question: Live Writer is still not working for me. I can write/format but then can't transfer my post to Blogspot. Does anyone use Live Writer with a blogspot blog? TiPz needed!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Rising To The Challenge!

After I left treatment in New York and was living in the city, I ate out several times a week. My schedule was hectic between a day program, work and school and it was just impractical to go home and eat all my meals- I was busy and I loved it. Despite my ups and downs since then (2007) my visits to restaurants got far less frequent, but I still did it. Gradually it dwindled down to a very small handful of restaurants that I felt 'comfortable' eating in. Not because they offered particular foods, but I knew what to expect, what things looked like and could reassure myself by remembering that I had eaten there several times before.

It's been 7 months since I last ate in a restaurant. 7 months since I've eaten a meal that wasn't completely prepared by myself, calculated to the exact calorie. Tonight I am meeting up with another Edinburgh blogger for dinner and I am REALLY excited. Usually I need weeks to plan for this so it's all been a kind of 'last minute' thing (to me!). I haven't spent hours agonising over the menu or worrying- I have surprised myself by quite how calm I am about it. It's hard for me to even eat something different at home, never mind go out and hand over control to a chef I've never met. I am anxious- there are a lot of challenges for me this evening. Going out and breaking out of my routine is one, unknown food is a second, meeting someone new is a third. I haven't even contemplated the idea of cancelling- again, NOT like me (I can be such a flake in situations like this!)

I guess the difference is that I am excited to face something new and something different, rather than focusing on what could go wrong or the fear aspect. Sometimes just tilting your head a little and looking at a situation from a slightly different angle is all it takes to shed a whole new light on something...

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is bliss, taste it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

- Mother Teresa

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My meals so far today have been ugly, but delicious!

Breakfast, after boiling water on the hob to make coffee (I feel like I am camping- need a new kettle!)

Pumpkin, fromage frais, honey nut shreddies and peanut butter. Honey and peanut butter are such a perfect pair :)

Snack involved no chocolate!

Fage with muesli. I am so obsessed with yogurt at the moment- it's so versatile and delicious. I don't like it by itself, but mixed with fruit/cereal is such a great snack.

Lunch was inspired by a conversation about pot-lucks and pasta salad with Janetha...

Tuna pasta salad on a mound of spinach- and yes, that would be ketchup hiding under there... I tried to hide it, but my camera was NOT playing along. *sigh*

2 questions for today!

1. what is your favourite thing to pair with peanut butter?
2. what is your favourite thing to mix into yoghurt?

Hope everyone's Thursday is going well- will be recapping tonight's shenanigans tomorrow! Wish me luck! (Alice might need some luck too for putting up with me...hehe)

You Say, "JUMP", I Ask, "How High?"

Thank you for your advice on yesterday's post- I did go to high school in this city so do know a few people that I keep in touch with on Facebook. I sent out a few messages last night to see if anyone would be up for coffee- it's really weird when I still think of these people as 12 years old (when I left school) and seeing their photos of the weddings and babies!

I was flicking through my daily planner from last summer after reading Olga's post about her new job. This time last year, I was working as a temp in New York in between interviewing for permanent jobs. Between interviews, I did various things- mostly reception work but the jobs varied a LOT between one company and another, and I never really knew exactly what lay in store for me when the agency gave me the company name/address/time to show up. Some of the jobs were pretty cool, some were fun, some were boring beyond belief, but none lasted more than a couple of weeks max so it wasn't a big deal if I hated it.

Exactly a year ago today, I was in the middle of a 3 day assignment at a fairly well known company. They had called in for a temp because the director had decided that the 14 years worth of files on their computer system should be printed off onto hard copies and filed in their library. It was not my position to question my role, but something about this didn't seem quite right. 14 years worth of information from a large worldwide organisation is a LOT of sheets of paper. I didn't mind the mundane aspect of "ctrl + p" (x 10000000000), but I didn't understand the logic behind it.

I am definitely not the most environmentally conscious of people. I recycle when I can, I use energy saving light bulbs and I reuse plastic bags- that's pretty much as far as I go on a day-to-day basis. But now and again I come up against something that just doesn't seem 'right' to me in an environmental sense.

Despite how uncomfortable it made me feel, I couldn't turn this job down. I needed the money, and I needed to maintain a good relationship with the temp agency. If I was in the same position now, I would do it again. I KNOW I talk a lot about staying true to *you* and keeping things in line with your own beliefs and morals, it's not always possible to transfer that to the 'real world'. Bills need paid, there are responsibilities, rules and regulations. I am not afraid of hard work or responsibilties- I like the challenges that being an adult brings (for the most part!) but when it comes to compromising who I am or what I believe in... I hate it. I want to be able to stand up for what I believe is right and risk being wrong. I want to speak out if I think something is cruel or unjust, I want tohave the confidence to say what I think and do what *I* think is the right thing to do...but the reality is, it's not always possible to DO that in real life. The temp assignment wasn't a HUGE deal- 3 day assignment, 3 days worth of wages. I did it and moved on to the next job. But it did make me think.

What are your thoughts on staying true to yourself versus compromising for the 'real world'?

As much as I want to say "NO", I don't think it's that straightforward. A lot of the jobs I was applying for were at advertising agencies, and when I was in studying advertising, we had some great discussions going about ethics/morals and how they might come into play (ie, if you were asked to be involved in a sexist/anti-something campaign). As passionate as I am about certain subjects, I don't know if there is ANYTHING I would put my dream job on the line for (especially in this economy) and I don't know if that's common sense of sheer stupidity.

Anyway. Enough rambling for a Monday!

Munchables...

Last night's dinner was provided by Amy's Kitchen. I still stand by my theory that they purposely make their meals as un-photogenic as possible so that nobody can pass them off as their own cooking!

Vegetable lasagne with roasted mushrooms and onions (LOVE) on a bed of spinach. Ugly, but oh-so good! I am so excited about the new range of Amy's meals due to hit the shelves here in July!

For breakfast this morning, I wanted to try a twist on "PBJ oats"...

In the mix: cooked oats, Fage cherry twin pot, blueberries and almond butter.

I don't know why I thought this would taste like "PBJ" considering that it contained neither peanut butter OR jelly (!) but it was still good.

Yesterday's bland lunch called for the return of my 'burrito bowl'- MORE than making up for my lack of condiments yesterday!

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and SALSA with spinach and sprouts (and yes, there was some ketchup underneath too...Ketchup Anonymous, anyone?)

Have a great Monday and go check out Jenny's amaaaaaazing giveaway! (or not...I kind of want to win this one :P )

Safety Zone Or Prison?

I've talked a lot over the past few days about finding what works and sticking with it. I'm starting to wonder how good an idea this actually is- if something is going well, why take the risk of shaking things up an branching into new territory? I think I am running the risk of falling into an unnecessarily strict routine out of fear of what *might* happen if I try something new. There is a balance between accepting things as they are, and knowing when to push that little bit further and see if the 'limits' can be stretched further. Stepping out of a safety zone feels scary and almost unnecessary, but on the other hand, a 'safety zone' can end up feeling more suffocating than comforting.

I like routines. I like to know what's happening in advance, I like to plan ahead and I like to be prepared. I like scientific and mathematical solutions to problems - 'x = 2y' makes sense to me. Life isn't like that. Life demands a level of flexibility- an ability to adapt, to change, to grow. There is nothing WRONG with routines in themselves, except when they get to a point where they become ingrained to the point where going with the 'flow' of life becomes too challenging. Isn't that what life is about? Trying new things, experimenting, discovering, learning?

This is all prompted by me opening my fridge this morning and realising it's virtually empty, having already bought all the food I need for this week. No, I'm not planning on not eating (!), but I am trying to use up more of the stash of food in my freezer right now (which means a lot of boring/repetitive meals for the next couple of weeks). Common sense? Perhaps. I could also very easily fall into the habit of eating the same things over and over again until I find myself scared to break out of what has become a completely rigid routine.

What are your thoughts on 'doing what works' versus taking leaps of faith and trying new things? Do you consider yourself to be someone who likes routine/predictability or do you prefer 'winging-it' and seeing where life takes you?

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

- Grey's Anatomy

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I did want to try a new twist on my breakfast this morning: blueberry and cream oats!

I cooked up plain oats (in water), then swirled them in with blueberries and fromage frais. This was REALLY good- exact same ingredients as yesterday's breakfast, but a whole bunch of different textures/flavours. I don't recommend this if you like your oatmeal really hot though! Frozen blueberries and cold yogurt drop the temperature :P

Today is the last day for submissions to Katie's new food challenge ...

Okay, I don't know much about sprouts. A sprout is a sprout to me- I've only ever eaten alfalfa sprouts before and assumed they were all pretty much identical. WRONG! The radish sprouts were purple (which automatically makes them cool in my opinion) but they had a completely different taste- much more of a 'kick' than alfalfa which...hehe, taste like grass (and yes, I have eaten grass!)

The spiciness of the sprouts got pretty lost once mixed up with my fiesta salad (tuna, rice, kidney beans, salsa) but still looked pretty!

PURPLE! I want to try some other sprouts now- any recommendations?

HUGE congratulations to everyone who ran yesterday. I caught part of the Edinburgh Marathon today and now that I've read so much more about what actually goes on in training/preparation for such a feat, I have nothing but respect for all of you runners out there. This afternoon is going to be spent catching up with blogs to read recaps!

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- can you believe tomorrow is the first of JUNE?! Where is this year going?

Just...(not) Perfect

I was asked last week to write an article about my struggle with anorexia and recovery. I jumped at the idea, without really giving it too much thought. It's been a much harder task than I anticipated- putting something into words what doesn't really, to this day, make very much sense to me (never mind anyone who might read it). What became really apparent as my article took shape was my need to be 'perfect'. To be successful, to make something of myself. It wasn't until I started writing and looking back to when this all started that I realised quite how much of an impact my need to prove myself has had on me. The feeling of never been good enough, of never meeting my own standards, of constantly feeling judged and criticised for my flaws.

The article is pretty much finished and I can't quite bring myself to send it. I've mentioned how much trouble I am having with sleep right now and the article is a huge part of that- I wake up at 3am with something I *need* to edit it right at that moment, and before I know it, I have a big mug of coffee in my hand and am hammering away at my laptop. Clearly my desire to have everything 'perfect' is still there!

I don't think this is ever going to go away. It's been a part of me for as long as I can remember- my parents were called in to meet with my teacher when I was 6 because I made a mistake on a spelling test and she didn't think that my level of distress was normal for a 6 year old. Every time I have taken a job or gone back to school, it's been a matter of days before this feeling of inadequace/incompetance creeps in and I start running myself into the ground trying to reach that elusive goal of excelling, I retreat into my default of restrtcing because I know I can do that. Having ruled that out as an option, I am left with the question, "how do I accept myself as I am?"

I know, on a rational level, that perfection isn't possible- if it was, I probably wouldn't be aiming for it. It would be nothing special. It would be 'normal'. I want it because I want to feel special, extraordinary. Not for attention or recognition, but because deep down I feel like I need to show the world that I am deserving of a place in it.

I am aware that this is absurd. Nobody is judging or criticising me (nobody whose opinion I care about anyway!). This isn't coming from anyone else, except my own deep-rooted insecurities. I'm trying to let go. To ease up on myself and remind myself that I am good enough just for who I AM- I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I don't need some great high-flying job to define me anymore than I need an eating disorder to define me. Self-acceptance has never been unconditional to me- it's always been based on what grades I got, what awards I won, what job I got, what I weighed. I'm trying so hard to look beyond that: my personality, my sense of humour, my passions. All the things that make me unique and special just for being ME- accepting myself for who I am, not what I have done.

"When you aim for perfection, you discover that it's a moving target"

Meanwhile, the article seems disjointed, inarticulate, nonsensical. There is SO much I want to say but I am struggling to adequately express what I need to in the way I want to. I have sent it to my dad to proofread (English teacher for a father has it's perks!). As anxious as I am about throwing this out there, I am excited beyond words to have the opportunity to share my story. It's been interesting to write, and has definitely made me come to a few realisations about what steps I need to be taking right now.

Any other perfectionists out there who have found some sort of balance/way of letting go?

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Munchables...

Memorial Day Muesli!



Usual oats/fromage frais/vanilla/blueberries/almonds- with a dollop of raspberry jam for patriotic/visual purposes! Note to self: almonds + jam is a delicious combination (I need to try almond butter one of these days!)

Snack...


Bare Naked fruit and nut granola with Fage. I could quite happily eat Bare Naked granola all day long (mom- if you are reading this, PLEASE bring some back from NY for me!). Hands down, my favourite snack.

Lunch was another salad- despite the fact that it still feels like winter here in Scotland!


Mushrooms (in a sauce made from melted laughing cow + pesto) with kidney beans, roasted sweet potato and spinach. Pesto is so underrated- this stuff is amazing, and so packed with flavour. I have a whole jar (minus 1/2 tbsp now!) to experiment with so expect more basil parmesan delights...

Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend- I thought it was a holiday here in the UK, but having been out and about all morning, don't think it's a holiday in Scotland afterall!

Learning From The Start

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on intuitive eating- seems to be something a lot of us struggle with. I wonder how many people truly eat intuitively? I think kids set a great example of knowing when they are hungry/full, and making it clear what they like and don't like.
What was your experience with food when you were growing up?

I was brought up eating a pretty healthy and varied diet- all the kids at school would bring chips/cookies for break time, and I would have tubs of dried fruit and mushrooms! We all sat down to meals at home together and were expected to finish what we were given without any arguments complaints about what was served. This was good because it meant I tried a lot of things most kids probably don't eat regularly (snails!), but on the other hand, I think it makes it harder now because eating intuitively/according to what my body asks for has never been encouraged.

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Last night I cooked!


Quorn fillets chopped up in tomato sauce with laughing cow cheese melted in, mixed with pasta. My obsession with quorn is growing... There are so many things you can do with this stuff! I love that it's high in protein, but soy free, and so much cheaper than meat/fish. It has more flavour itself than tofu, but also takes on the taste of whatever it is cooked with.

This morning's breakfast was...a challenge.


Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with skimmed milk and sliced banana.

Looks ugly innocent enough, and was certainly 'safe'- the challenge refers to yesterday's post about my fear of being hungry. I usually make sure to get a decent amount of protein and fiber, along with a little fat at breakfast- just what seems to work best for me. This meal was much more "carb" based and I was really scared of a repeat of yesterday morning's horrible empty feeling (I have no issues with consuming carbohydrates, I just prefer my meals to be more balanced). The verdict? I need to trust my body more! I really liked this breakfast and was just as comfortable afterwards as my other breakfasts: moral of the story? Some days different nutrients are required for different purposes. Today this worked.

Lunch was a protein packed FIESTA!


I have decided to call this a 'burrito bowl'. For no other reason than that it contains salsa. It isn't in a bowl, and although I've never been, doubt very much that it's anything LIKE what Chipotle serve...good nonetheless. In the mix: tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- what have you got planned for Memorial Day?

Just 'Be'

When did life start to feel like a 'fight'? Life is to be lived, not fought. Easier said than done, and it's certainly got it's ups and downs but ultimately I think that the very fact that I am here standing is something to be celebrated. A privilege. Yes, sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I hate the world (or at least certain aspects of it), but sometimes I feel like I am bursting with excitement at all the possibilities that lie ahead- the things I might get a chance to do, the opportunities I have. I have goals that I am not going to surrender because of my eating disorder- life is short enough as it is without my wishing it away. Life is FULL of challenges and obstacles but that's what makes it interesting- if it was easy, there would be no pride on progress, no lessons learned in overcoming obstacles. What we live through shapes us and makes us who we are- and I am striving to be PROUD of who I am rather than ashamed. Living, not fighting, to make the most of each and every day.

Where does this leave me?

I don't know if this method is the healthiest, but I am starting to think that devoting so much time and energy to thinking about and analyzing every 'unhealthy' choice I make or symptom I use is keeping me stuck. I am starting to feel like it's making a bigger deal out of things than is necessary. I can think and talk about what I do and why I do it forever, or I can brush it aside and just move on- pick myself up, dust myself off and start over again. Onward to the next choice I have to make, and make sure it's a healthier one.

If I end up restricting or overexercising at some point, I don't want to let it bother me. It is what it is. It happens and will probably continue to happen when I am emotional or tired. I think that it's a lot easier to live life when I don't think about every behavior as some sort of "issue". I want to just "BE"- just be who I am and do the best that I can. Perfection isn't realistic so pursuing it isn't an option. I'm living each moment as best as I can- not perfectly, not without bumps in the road and not without abstinence from my eating disordered behaviours...but I am living and learning and rolling with the punches.

Is this crazy? I don't know if I will end up using this as an excuse to go full-force backwards into my eating disorder, or if this is a positive way to look at things? I guess I am just starting to feel burned out from thinking about my eating disorder all the time and want to just...move on.

"Just let go- not ask the reasons why, cause it don't matter anymore..."

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Breakfast this morning was more blueberry overnight oats:


Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract, frozen blueberries and the last of my jar of peanut butter. The first jar of peanut butter I can claim to have eaten ENTIRELY by myself! Wooooo! It's lasted me a couple of months, and I have more, but this is a first for me! (Ah, such a dork- I know!)

Snack was more cereal...


Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with 1/2 cup milk. Picture taken before it went all mushy (the way I like it!)

Lunch was a repeat of last weeks salad- without alfalfa sprouts because I couldn't find ANY this weekend!


Tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach. Protein power!

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start, and HUGE congratulations to all the new graduates out there!

Check out Meg's donut giveaway!

Out With The Old, and In With...???

I think what has triggered the past few days descent into depression has been the commitment I made to maintaining my weight. My thoughts aren't so wrapped up in what/when I am going to eat and instead of numbing everything out, the old feelings of anger/pain have resurfaced. Having ruled out the option of numbing them out through restricting/exercising, I need to find new ways to face them and deal with them- or at least manage them and ride them out and hope that they dissipate. It may just be my perception of them rather than the fact that they are as horrible as they appear to be.

I pulled out my old DBT manual to get some help with this and flicked to the section on "reducing vulnerability to negative emotions". DBT is becoming a lot more widely used in the treatment of eating disorders and I find a lot of it really helpful- what I struggle with is using/practicing the skills when I am in a 'good' frame of mind because I don't see the point- then when a crisis hits, I don't have the skills to fall back on.

Anyway, the section on stabilising emotions is pretty basic stuff in theory:-

• Treat physical illness: take care of your body. See a doctor when necessary. Take prescribed medication
• Balance eating: don't eat too much or too little. Stay away from foods that make you feel overly emotional.
• Avoid mood-altering drugs: Stay off non-prescribed drugs, including alcohol.
• Balance sleep: try to get the amount of sleep that helps you feel good. Keep to a sleep program if you are having trouble sleeping.
• Get exercise: Do some sort of exercise every day- try to build up to 20 minutes of vigorous exercise.
• Build Mastery: Do one thing a day to make yourself feel competent and in control.

These were NOT written for people with eating disorders so my adaptation of the food/exercise ones are a little different- I am definitely noticing a difference after eating certain foods in terms of energy/mood so that's a learning curve for me, and exercise is something I struggle to do in moderation but it's important for me to remember that too much is no better than too little. Balancing my intake is a work in progress but I am definitely making progress with that. I don't use alcohol or drugs but I am cutting back on my caffeine intake to avoid the energy/mood highs and lows that accompany high levels of caffeine.

On to 'mastery'. NOTHING makes me feel as good as going to bed at night feeling like I have accomplished something during the day. For years that has been very much tied into food/weight/exercise/anorexia, and is probably a huge part of the reason why I have clung to those behaviours. My voluntary job is helping, but that's only a couple of days a week. I struggle to think of things I could possibly be good at or what would be quite as satisfying as losing weight, but I need to keep reminding myself that there is NOTHING to be proud of about destroying my body. I think what's been a painful realisation the last few months is that I don't get satisfaction from that anymore. What has been such a 'purpose' for me for the last 14 years is now just an embarrassment- so I am left with the question of what WILL make me feel like I have accomplished something during the day? What is rewarding/satisfying in a healthy way for me? I think this is something a lot of people with eating disorders probably struggle with in recovery-finding something to replace what their eating disorder gave them. That's different for everyone and it's certainly a whole bunch of things for me, but one of them is definitely the feeling that it's something I am 'good' at. However maladaptive/ineffective a coping skill it WAS, it did originally serve a pupose. Not helping is the fact that I don't have a whole lot else to fall back on except my ability to lose weight. But I don't want to pursue that anymore because 1) it's boring, 2) it's not helping me feel any better anymore and 3) I want more out of life. So yeah...back to original question: how do I find things that make me feel good about myself that aren't about losing weight or exercise?..

I do have some pictures today... I am finding it really helpful to be taking photos- it kind of gives a bit extra motivation to branch out and eat different things. If it stops being helpful, I'll stop taking pictures, but for now...it's all good.

The sun is shining today (YAY!) so I made my usual lunch which I've never posted before because I have it several times a week...

Bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts topped with a mix of tuna, rice, kidney beans and salsa. Okay, a week late to pass off as a 'Cinco De Mayo' meal, but everything gets to the UK later so it's all good :P

Best snack ever:

Fage with Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. Words can't describe quite how much I LOVE this granola... Thanks again, Sam!

Question: does anyone in real life know about your blog? Both my parents know about it and I know my dad reads occasionally (HI DAD!) but none of the rest of my family do.