Cheerleaders?

Someone once told me that if somebody annoys you, it’s because you see parts of yourself reflected in them. I definitely agree with this. Lately I’ve been finding it harder and harder to keep in touch with a lot of my friends because I know they are going through a hard time and as selfish as this might sound, it’s not something that I can handle right now ('survival mechanism'?). I’ve stopped talking so much on my blog the last couple of weeks about the day-to-day ups and downs and I’m finding it really useful to write through the eyes I am trying to see through rather than through the dark sunglasses I often wear. I got bored of my own thoughts and bored of writing them down. It wasn’t changing anything. The changes in my own state of being have only taken place when I have shifted the focus from ‘what’s wrong' to ‘how to create the life I want to live’. I think there is a lot to be said for our visions/perceptions creating our worlds- there is definitely times where it is important to address current issues/difficulties, but I’m not willing to do that right now. I want to be around positive people. I am very easily influenced by what goes on around me and I attribute my progress lately to surrounding myself by people I look up to. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who tell me I won’t/can’t cope. We all need cheerleaders at times in our lives, and at this point, I need people around me who believe in me, who will push me that extra mile and who will shine a light when my own candle burns out.

It’s only natural to have a bunch of different people in our lives who all bring out different qualities in us- some of my friends and I get together and do the craziest random things and have days filled with laughter and bizarre shenanigans. Other friends and I sit huddled over coffee in Starbucks having serious discussions and debates. I enjoy BOTH, but at the moment I am finding that I am drawn more and more away from the ‘serious’ aspect and just…want to have some fun. Partly because of what’s going on for me right now and just a need to switch off, have a good time and remember the fun side of life. But partly because I want to ignore and deny the struggles I AM having and as long as I am not laughing/joking around, it all seems too real. I’d rather just ignore it.

I think my biggest ‘personal cheerleader’ is my dad. I grew up with him telling me constantly that I could do WHATEVER I put my mind to. It makes such a huge difference to have that knowledge that despite whatever crap is going on, there is someone out there who believes that you’ll make it through somehow.

Who are your personal cheerleaders?

I wasn’t going to post much today but deleted my draft and what do you know? A long rambling babble came out!

Before I forget, I need to mention Janetha for her comment yesterday about the pickle:

“daaang that thing is huge! I wonder how you got your mouth around it?”

I am just playing around this afternoon pretending I know what I am doing with the Live Writer I downloaded yesterday. If this post actually makes it onto my blog, that means I have figured it out *pats self on back* (gotta give yourself some props sometimes! ) So far, am liking it- thanks Alice!

Munchables!

Bran flakes, mashed banana and Fage twin pot- I am going to call this 'Sunshine Cheesecake' from now on.

Since yesterday’s breakfast, I have had crazy cravings for coconut. I LOVE the flavour of coconut but hate having the pieces stuck in my teeth for weeks until I brush them. Though it does make for an easily accessible snack later on...

For anyone in the UK, the Pureprotein bars often raved about on blogs are now available in Holland and Barrett. YEAH! Though I do love the white chocolate coconutty taste of this bar…

I went for a long walk this morning to do a few things (read: stock up on hummus and falafel) and also went to my mom’s house and now have FULL custody of my George Foreman grill. Which could only mean one thing…

Red pepper hummus and cheddar cheese. There are no words. For anyone yet to jump on the ‘crack wrap’ bandwagon, please do…your life will change forever. Unless you don’t like hummus. In which case you are crazy should dip it in ketchup.

Question: are there any foods you love the taste of but avoid because of the texture? For me it would be avocado and coconut. Avocado is mushy in a BAD way (mushy cereal = a good mushy) and coconut just gets stuck in my teeth. Love the taste, but can’t get past the textures.

Okay...the upload from Live Writer didn't work so I had to copy/paste and upload pictures again directly onto Blogspot. It said the server forbid it? Anyone able to help me out with this?

When Will This End?

"How many deaths will it take till we know

that too many people have died?.."

Not long after posting yesterday's post, I logged in to an eating disorders message board that I frequent to learn that another girl had passed away. It's been a year of what feels like a lot of losses. Five of my friends have died this year- I know, statistically speaking, that with the sheer volume of people I know who are battling this disease, as time goes on...the number of people who lose their fight is going to rise. It's a sobering thought that I am 26 years old and I am losing so many of my friends.

I am still struggling to come to terms with each and every loss that I have encountered. I am just so incredibly sad. That these amazing people who had so much to offer, so much potential, so much LIFE in them could no longer see a future for themselves. What hits me the hardest about all of this is that I can understand why they made the choices they did, having been in that situation of a despair words can't articulate, but from an outsiders point of view, still struggle to grasp WHY they couldn't see what others see in themselves.

I guess the real tragedy of suicide is that everyone is able to see alternatives aside from the person suffering.

It's making me more determined to fight. More determined to carve a life for myself- however painful or pointless it might seem at times. I don't see suicide as a selfish act at ALL- in my blackest periods, people have asked me if I had considered the impact on my friends and family if I were to go ahead with it. My answer was always an emphatic 'YES'- I had thought about it and honestly believed I was making the best decision for all those around me. I don't see it that way at all. Whether or not I think people like me/want to spend time with me/care about me, it's heartbreaking to hear of ANYONE is such an intolerable amount of pain that they could not face another day of it. It's human nature to care, to be concerned, to want to help any way they can. I feel a lot of the time like I am just a burden to people- that I am a disappointment, a failure, the "black sheep" of the family. A lot of my relatives don't want to hear from me anymore because of what I've put them all through with my illness- but that doesn't mean they don't care. It doesn't mean they wouldn't be upset if something happened to me. I think it's more along the lines of what I am now doing with a lot of my friends- stepping back, because caring so deeply about someone who is in so much pain and not able to do a damn thing...it's just too much. It's too much for them and it's too much for me.

I feel selfish for even thinking this, let alone writing it. But I don't have the strength to watch more and more of my friends lose the wars they are waging. The battles just to be at peace with themselves. If I thought I could do more, I WOULD- I am not in a place right now where it's triggering me in any way, I just feel sad. Helpless. frustrated. I want to reach out to everyone and hold their hand and tell them that it's GOING TO BE OKAY. To just hold on...and hold on...and keep holding on because one day things might feel less threatening/hopeless. I don't know if things will change but I would say it anyway because I feel so passionately that there is always some possibility that life will get better, more manageable, more bearable, more pleasant.
I don't know what else to say. I didn't mean for this post to go on for so long... It's hard for me to sum everything up in a short and sweet message when I feel so strongly about something.

For anyone out there reading this who is struggling with thoughts about hurting themselves- PLEASE, reach out for help. Call a friend, a relative, a helpline. Go to the nearest ER and talk to someone. Pray. Read. Distract yourself, draw a picture, write a poem...do something, ANYTHING except give into the darkness engulfing you.

"Don't give up five minutes before the miracle..."

*******

Onto some lighter things...

Dinner last night featured a typical British dish:

From Wikipedia: Toad in the hole is a traditional English dish comprising sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter, usually served with vegetables and onion gravy.
The origin of the name "Toad-in-the-Hole" is vague. Most suggestions are that the dish's resemblance to a toad sticking its little head out of a hole provide the dish with its somewhat unusual name.An 1861 recipe by Charles Elme Francatelli does not mention sausages, instead including as an ingredient "6d. or 1s. worth of bits and pieces of any kind of meat, which are to be had cheapest at night when the day's sale is over."

I think Yorkshire Pudding is essentially the same as what they call Popovers in the US?..


Vegetarian "toad-in-the-hole" with vegetarian gravy and steamed vegetables. My mom is American and NEVER made this when I was growing up so there is no 'nostalgia' attached to this, but it's typically classed as "comfort food" here in the UK (presumably because it reminds people of childhood?)

What are some of the dishes your area is known for?

Breakfast this morning was one of my favourites (who am I kidding? I love all my breakfasts!):

Oats, plain fromage frais, vanilla extract, frozen blueberries and almonds soaked together overnight.


Nothing like a big purple mess to greet you at 6am!