Tuesday, 5 May 2009

When Will This End?

"How many deaths will it take till we know
that too many people have died?.."

Not long after posting yesterday's post, I logged in to an eating disorders message board that I frequent to learn that another girl had passed away. It's been a year of what feels like a lot of losses. Five of my friends have died this year- I know, statistically speaking, that with the sheer volume of people I know who are battling this disease, as time goes on...the number of people who lose their fight is going to rise. It's a sobering thought that I am 26 years old and I am losing so many of my friends.

I am still struggling to come to terms with each and every loss that I have encountered. I am just so incredibly sad. That these amazing people who had so much to offer, so much potential, so much LIFE in them could no longer see a future for themselves. What hits me the hardest about all of this is that I can understand why they made the choices they did, having been in that situation of a despair words can't articulate, but from an outsiders point of view, still struggle to grasp WHY they couldn't see what others see in themselves.

I guess the real tragedy of suicide is that everyone is able to see alternatives aside from the person suffering.

It's making me more determined to fight. More determined to carve a life for myself- however painful or pointless it might seem at times. I don't see suicide as a selfish act at ALL- in my blackest periods, people have asked me if I had considered the impact on my friends and family if I were to go ahead with it. My answer was always an emphatic 'YES'- I had thought about it and honestly believed I was making the best decision for all those around me. I don't see it that way at all. Whether or not I think people like me/want to spend time with me/care about me, it's heartbreaking to hear of ANYONE is such an intolerable amount of pain that they could not face another day of it. It's human nature to care, to be concerned, to want to help any way they can. I feel a lot of the time like I am just a burden to people- that I am a disappointment, a failure, the "black sheep" of the family. A lot of my relatives don't want to hear from me anymore because of what I've put them all through with my illness- but that doesn't mean they don't care. It doesn't mean they wouldn't be upset if something happened to me. I think it's more along the lines of what I am now doing with a lot of my friends- stepping back, because caring so deeply about someone who is in so much pain and not able to do a damn thing...it's just too much. It's too much for them and it's too much for me.

I feel selfish for even thinking this, let alone writing it. But I don't have the strength to watch more and more of my friends lose the wars they are waging. The battles just to be at peace with themselves. If I thought I could do more, I WOULD- I am not in a place right now where it's triggering me in any way, I just feel sad. Helpless. frustrated. I want to reach out to everyone and hold their hand and tell them that it's GOING TO BE OKAY. To just hold on...and hold on...and keep holding on because one day things might feel less threatening/hopeless. I don't know if things will change but I would say it anyway because I feel so passionately that there is always some possibility that life will get better, more manageable, more bearable, more pleasant.
I don't know what else to say. I didn't mean for this post to go on for so long... It's hard for me to sum everything up in a short and sweet message when I feel so strongly about something.

For anyone out there reading this who is struggling with thoughts about hurting themselves- PLEASE, reach out for help. Call a friend, a relative, a helpline. Go to the nearest ER and talk to someone. Pray. Read. Distract yourself, draw a picture, write a poem...do something, ANYTHING except give into the darkness engulfing you.

"Don't give up five minutes before the miracle..."


Onto some lighter things...

Dinner last night featured a typical British dish:

From Wikipedia: Toad in the hole is a traditional English dish comprising sausages in Yorkshire pudding batter, usually served with vegetables and onion gravy.
The origin of the name "Toad-in-the-Hole" is vague. Most suggestions are that the dish's resemblance to a toad sticking its little head out of a hole provide the dish with its somewhat unusual name.An 1861 recipe by
Charles Elme Francatelli does not mention sausages, instead including as an ingredient "6d. or 1s. worth of bits and pieces of any kind of meat, which are to be had cheapest at night when the day's sale is over."

I think Yorkshire Pudding is essentially the same as what they call Popovers in the US?..

Vegetarian "toad-in-the-hole" with vegetarian gravy and steamed vegetables. My mom is American and NEVER made this when I was growing up so there is no 'nostalgia' attached to this, but it's typically classed as "comfort food" here in the UK (presumably because it reminds people of childhood?)

What are some of the dishes your area is known for?

Breakfast this morning was one of my favourites (who am I kidding? I love all my breakfasts!):

Oats, plain fromage frais, vanilla extract, frozen blueberries and almonds soaked together overnight.

Nothing like a big purple mess to greet you at 6am!


Lexi said...

I am sorry to hear about all of your losses this year. That is so difficult. Thank you for being so open in this post and telling people to seek help if they are feeling extremely negative towards themselves.

Yes, on a lighter note, GREAT EATS! Loved seeing what you've been munching on lately.
Have a great day, dear!

Danielle said...

I am sorry to hear about your loss. It must be so difficult to go through.

Anonymous said...

oh ellie, this post touched me so many different ways...I am so sorry for your losses...and it made me think about death, and my life...so many times I have flirted with death...I didn't want to kill myself outright, but was still suicidal in wasting myself away bit by bit...I knew how much my loved ones were suffering just watching me kill myself...
I don't see suicidal as selfish, either. I don't even think those who commit suicides are really able to truly consider how it will impact their loved ones...they are in such depths of despair and unhappiness that the relief from it seems to make suicide a good way out...I'm so glad you spoke out about this issue, though. suicide is one of the highest death causes in this century.

Telstaar said...

Hey hun,

I've been reading for a little bit now and I do appreciate your honesty about your struggles and thoughts immensely. Don't doubt that even though it IS a struggle at the moment that you are making a difference to people like me and helping people such as myself feel less isolated. Good luck Ellie!!


Anonymous said...

I abosolutely love toad in the hole, especially Yorkshire Pud (well I am from Yorkshire) I didn't know there was a veggie version, I'll have to look out for that on my next shopping trip.

Sheena said...

Sorry to hear about your loss. Life sucks, and honestly there is nothing else to say to make it better.

I could relate to so much of this and it nearly makes me feel guilty... don't ask why.

Take Care

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

soory for your loss..you are so strong and can live your life in the way you truly deserve keep fighting xxx

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about your friend ):

I totally agree with you on your views of suicide - I have definitely felt the same way, so I can relate - and with your sheer determination to keep fighting. I've fought and I've fought and I've fought, and I feel like I'm FINALLY seeing the light at the end of the tunnel - like all this suffering was actually worth it.

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend!! At least it's able to push you more and leave you wanting to be farther from this ed than ever imagined!! Keep fighting girl, you are doing great!

And I loveee that quote: "Don't give up five minutes before the miracle..."

Have a good Tuesday! :)

Anonymous said...

sorry, that last Jessica was me!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Ellie. Every time I've seen your status on facebook include RIP this year my heart has gone out to you. I am so glad this just makes you more determined to fight, it would be devastating if anything happened to you.
I often wonder who on earth thought up the name 'toad in the hole'! I used to love it, I wonder if it's possible to make a dairy/gluten free version? Probably wouldn't taste much like toad in the hole after that though :P

curlytop said...


I'm so sorry about your friend! This is always hard. But it only reminds us how hard we must work to never get to that point again.

Have a good Tuesday darlin!

With Love,


Stef said...

Very powerful post...that is so tragic about your friend. I'm sorry you've had to deal with the loss of so many friends recently. I agree, suicide should not be considered a "selfish" act. People don't just think "oh let me take the easy way out," they TRULY must be suffering from severe mental illness that makes them unable to see things clearly. It's so sad to think that people we love (including ourselves) have ever/will ever get to that point of despair. I know it feels hopeless sometimes because you can't really DO anything to help those who are struggling, but this post is a great start. I'm sure your words impact everyone who reads this. All I can say is I'm glad you're feeling more determined to beat this disease, that you will do anything to NOT succumb to this horrible illness. Keep fighting! <3

Cacti Don't Cry said...

I'm sorry about your friend... it DOES seem like a bit much, even though a single one is already too much. :(

The thing is, it's probably characteristic of most of us to ache for other people and want to take their pain away... but we can really only do that for ourselves.

And, um... "toad in the hole"!?!?

Syd said...

Ellie, you are so right about not giving up. I've read that most people who have botched suicide attempts are so glad that they are alive. You're doing well. Keep up the desire and will to get better. The food looks good.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss. I empathize.