Just 'Be'

When did life start to feel like a 'fight'? Life is to be lived, not fought. Easier said than done, and it's certainly got it's ups and downs but ultimately I think that the very fact that I am here standing is something to be celebrated. A privilege. Yes, sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I hate the world (or at least certain aspects of it), but sometimes I feel like I am bursting with excitement at all the possibilities that lie ahead- the things I might get a chance to do, the opportunities I have. I have goals that I am not going to surrender because of my eating disorder- life is short enough as it is without my wishing it away. Life is FULL of challenges and obstacles but that's what makes it interesting- if it was easy, there would be no pride on progress, no lessons learned in overcoming obstacles. What we live through shapes us and makes us who we are- and I am striving to be PROUD of who I am rather than ashamed. Living, not fighting, to make the most of each and every day.

Where does this leave me?

I don't know if this method is the healthiest, but I am starting to think that devoting so much time and energy to thinking about and analyzing every 'unhealthy' choice I make or symptom I use is keeping me stuck. I am starting to feel like it's making a bigger deal out of things than is necessary. I can think and talk about what I do and why I do it forever, or I can brush it aside and just move on- pick myself up, dust myself off and start over again. Onward to the next choice I have to make, and make sure it's a healthier one.

If I end up restricting or overexercising at some point, I don't want to let it bother me. It is what it is. It happens and will probably continue to happen when I am emotional or tired. I think that it's a lot easier to live life when I don't think about every behavior as some sort of "issue". I want to just "BE"- just be who I am and do the best that I can. Perfection isn't realistic so pursuing it isn't an option. I'm living each moment as best as I can- not perfectly, not without bumps in the road and not without abstinence from my eating disordered behaviours...but I am living and learning and rolling with the punches.

Is this crazy? I don't know if I will end up using this as an excuse to go full-force backwards into my eating disorder, or if this is a positive way to look at things? I guess I am just starting to feel burned out from thinking about my eating disorder all the time and want to just...move on.

"Just let go- not ask the reasons why, cause it don't matter anymore..."

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Breakfast this morning was more blueberry overnight oats:


Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract, frozen blueberries and the last of my jar of peanut butter. The first jar of peanut butter I can claim to have eaten ENTIRELY by myself! Wooooo! It's lasted me a couple of months, and I have more, but this is a first for me! (Ah, such a dork- I know!)

Snack was more cereal...


Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with 1/2 cup milk. Picture taken before it went all mushy (the way I like it!)

Lunch was a repeat of last weeks salad- without alfalfa sprouts because I couldn't find ANY this weekend!


Tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach. Protein power!

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start, and HUGE congratulations to all the new graduates out there!

Check out Meg's donut giveaway!