Monday, 18 May 2009

Just 'Be'

When did life start to feel like a 'fight'? Life is to be lived, not fought. Easier said than done, and it's certainly got it's ups and downs but ultimately I think that the very fact that I am here standing is something to be celebrated. A privilege. Yes, sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I hate the world (or at least certain aspects of it), but sometimes I feel like I am bursting with excitement at all the possibilities that lie ahead- the things I might get a chance to do, the opportunities I have. I have goals that I am not going to surrender because of my eating disorder- life is short enough as it is without my wishing it away. Life is FULL of challenges and obstacles but that's what makes it interesting- if it was easy, there would be no pride on progress, no lessons learned in overcoming obstacles. What we live through shapes us and makes us who we are- and I am striving to be PROUD of who I am rather than ashamed. Living, not fighting, to make the most of each and every day.

Where does this leave me?

I don't know if this method is the healthiest, but I am starting to think that devoting so much time and energy to thinking about and analyzing every 'unhealthy' choice I make or symptom I use is keeping me stuck. I am starting to feel like it's making a bigger deal out of things than is necessary. I can think and talk about what I do and why I do it forever, or I can brush it aside and just move on- pick myself up, dust myself off and start over again. Onward to the next choice I have to make, and make sure it's a healthier one.

If I end up restricting or overexercising at some point, I don't want to let it bother me. It is what it is. It happens and will probably continue to happen when I am emotional or tired. I think that it's a lot easier to live life when I don't think about every behavior as some sort of "issue". I want to just "BE"- just be who I am and do the best that I can. Perfection isn't realistic so pursuing it isn't an option. I'm living each moment as best as I can- not perfectly, not without bumps in the road and not without abstinence from my eating disordered behaviours...but I am living and learning and rolling with the punches.

Is this crazy? I don't know if I will end up using this as an excuse to go full-force backwards into my eating disorder, or if this is a positive way to look at things? I guess I am just starting to feel burned out from thinking about my eating disorder all the time and want to just...move on.

"Just let go- not ask the reasons why, cause it don't matter anymore..."

Breakfast this morning was more blueberry overnight oats:

Oats, fromage frais, vanilla extract, frozen blueberries and the last of my jar of peanut butter. The first jar of peanut butter I can claim to have eaten ENTIRELY by myself! Wooooo! It's lasted me a couple of months, and I have more, but this is a first for me! (Ah, such a dork- I know!)

Snack was more cereal...

Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with 1/2 cup milk. Picture taken before it went all mushy (the way I like it!)

Lunch was a repeat of last weeks salad- without alfalfa sprouts because I couldn't find ANY this weekend!

Tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach. Protein power!

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start, and HUGE congratulations to all the new graduates out there!

Check out Meg's donut giveaway!


itsawrapteacher said...

I received a free tub of fromage frais from Whole Foods awhile back and I never got around to trying it out and had to throw it away. How does it taste/compare to my Greek yogurt? I'm wishing now I had tried it out.

Very enlightening post! I do feel like I'm fighting my ED every day but I also feel I am becoming a stronger person in challenging myself to face my fears.

Anonymous said...

"Life is to be lived, not fought."

This REALLY made me think. Thanks hun.

I think it's okay to make mistakes - I restricted on Saturday, and I'm not happy about it. But I'm also not beating myself up over it. I'm not perfect. I think, as long as we learn from our mistakes (read: WHY I felt the need to restrict...and figuring out how NOT to let it happen again), we're fine - but we can't use this "I'm not perfect" attitude as a way to give in to our EDs and be all like..."ahh, well..." You know!? It's all a process - a LESSON, if you will. You WILL fall, time and time again, but hopefully each time, you'll come back up a little bit STRONGER and WISER. Make sense?

I can't believe you've never had s'mores! Get on that shiz, STAT! Soooo good! Better than Nutella, even ;)

(And for me to say that...well, that's saying a LOT!).

Have a great week <3333

Anonymous said...

Cutting out whatever may be causing extra stress is definitely a good idea, but also remember to not let this new mentality allow over-exercising or restricting!! Don't worry about what has happened in the past, just try to treat your body in the best way possible the next day!

Oh, and to answer your question....flax is kinda of grainy, and I feel like it has a crumbled up graham cracker texture and taste!! :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with you that life is to be LIVED and enjoyed, but I believe there ought to be struggles in life, too. I do believe it's possible to fight and live at the same time. there is no such thing as an easy life, except in heaven.
but still, I believe you're on the right track. no point in dwelling in our mistakes and failures. life goes on, and we don't wanna waste energy crying over spilled milk, but keep on fighting the next race.

Anonymous said...

thanks for the comment love! I have to admit that I have never had a Cashew Cookie Larabar yet! AHH i know, it's terrible especially being a major larabar fan! I need to go out, get one of those bad boys and give him a try!

So I think you have the right attitude about living your life and doing your best and not reaching for perfection because well, perfection is unattainable, despite what we might like to believe. I think it is important, however, to remind yourself that if you restrict or overexercise that you aren't doing the "best" you can do. Sometimes shit will happen and we cant dwell on it but we must also realize that we hold the power to make changes, big changes. You dont want to blow off every restriction or days of too much exercise as "oh whatever" because it could easily lead to a downward spirling effect. I think that you are so wise to realize that there will be those days when you just can't deal but the goal is to make them as few and far between. You can definitely do it, just keep your chin up and remember all the amazing qualities that make you you!

P.s. the eats look yummm!

Nutritious is Delicious said...

Great Post! I hope you build off this attitude and grow even more! You are such an amazing girl! Stay Strong!

That Oatibix looks GOOD! Is it worth hunting down!?

Stef said...

I've been thinking about this a lot analyzing all of my slip ups just keeping me trapped in my ED? Of course you shouldn't be in denial, you need to be aware of when your ED starts to grab hold of you again so you can be prepared to fight back, but there is DEFINITELY something to be said about "just being." Being tired of your ED is a great start, but being tired of FIGHTING your ED is no good! For now just see how things go, but make sure to take care of yourself!


curlytop said...


Hey doll! Sorry my comments have been sparse as of late... I'll be catching up as soon as I finish finals-tomorrow!

You eats today looked awesome. Love the fromage frais! I've always wanted to try that...

Hope you have a beautiful Tuesday darlin!

With Love,


Thinspired said...

I recently tried those chocolate weetabixs and they are so delicious!! I didn't know they made them with raisins, too. I am the opposite--it's a race to eat them before they get soggy! ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi girlie,
i love mini weetabix :) so good!
really amazing post hun! full of realizations...i think when we give in to ed bahaviors like restirction etc, the best thing we can do is move forward and learn from it...theres no point making ourselves feel guilty about what we cant change..instead we need to focus on what we CAN change..the future!
have a great tuesday :)