I've been feeling really anxious since yesterday's post- or maybe since reading the letters I wrote all those years ago. I suddenly feel this urgency to be progressing faster- to run forwards instead of the stumbling "3 steps forward, 2 steps back" I have been taken. I don't know quite what's stopping me or holding me back- I DO know that I've felt this urgency before and rushed into things I wasn't ready for, only to collapse in a heap a few months later. It's hard to find a middle ground between moving forward and standing still.
I've talked before about how impatient I am with this "inbetween" phase- I'm not at my worst and I am not recovered. I'm somewhere in the middle and although I may be making progress/moving forward in some aspects, one foot remains firmly entrenched in "anorexia land". I still resist weight gain (which results in weight loss), I still weigh myself every day hoping to see a lower number, I still exercise more than I should, still crave the numbness that restriction brings, still obsess over food/weight. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself- maybe this is what this "stage" of recovery is all about? Or maybe I am seeing it for what it is: I'm not trying hard enough to fight this and have nobody to blame but myself that I am where I am right now.
I was always told that you have to WANT recovery- I agree with this. But wanting it isn't always enough. I feel like I am missing something crucial as I go about tackling things- like my "recovery handbook" is missing pages and I am filling in the gaps and making stuff up as I go along. I *know* that everyone's path is different and there is no "right" way to recover, but I can't help feeling like I am overseeing something huge- otherwise I'd be further forward than I am right now.
Eh. I didn't want to think about this today- I actually wasn't going to post at all, but there ya go. I can't shut up for a whole 24 hours it seems ;)
In other news...
I got given a free box of bran flakes last week and since I never turn down free food, decided to make one of my favourite snacks:
Bran flakes mixed with Fage 2% twin pot... I swear this tastes like cheesecake!
Lunch featured these two ingredients:
The relish is absolutely heavenly- it's a tomato base but has raisins in it so has a sweet/savoury combination going on. Is delicious with meat/cheese (I think it tastes great by the spoonful too!) I love quorn too- this was the first time trying the "ham" slices and I was a little wary, but these did NOT disappoint!
All together now...
Well if I can't go to a NY-style diner right now, I can recreate the food, right? This sandwich was AMAZING. Though as I've said before, can you really go wrong when melted cheese is involved?..
I'm really glad that I've started incorporating some new foods into my diet- the pictures I post may not look like much in the way of huge changes, but they are pretty big for me. For as long as I can remember, it's been impossible to incorporate 2 sources of protein at one meal. Adding some source of fat (almonds, peanut butter, etc) has been avoided for...um...14 years? So yeah. I am kind of proud of the things I have been doing lately- inspired by other blogs mostly!