I'm still struggling to put into words what I'm thinking/feeling right now. I'm swinging between sheer despair, and complete numbness. My days and nights seem to be merging into one grey blurry mess and I've spent much of the last few days sitting on my sofa, staring into space.
This evening I started to realise that a lot of this is anger. Anger is something I don't generally acknowledge, let alone express. I don't like to judge feelings as "good" or "bad", but anger just feels so wrong, so unjustified. Stemming from misunderstanding, judgment, frustration. I see "anger" as an umbrella-term for lots of feelings that I don't want to be having.
I am angry right now though, and am sitting here getting more and more angry as I resent the anger itself. A lot of my thoughts the past few days have been sheer frustration at this cloud hanging over my head, wishing it would just float away as easily as it appeared. Wanting answers, resolutions- ANYTHING that would make this somehow make some sort of sense to me.
I'm adding fuel to my own fire- I know better than this. I've read the books, sat in therapy sessions, own piles and piles of handouts labelled "Distress Tolerance" and "Coping Skills". I know better than to sit and ruminate, thinking about what went wrong and where and why.
Random thoughts and bizarre memories are popping into my head in a very surreal movie-type way, triggering me to either burst into tears or burst out laughing. I feel like I have lost complete control over my own mind, and as a self-confessed control freak, this doesn't sit well with me.
I'm trying to hold onto whatever positivity and strength I can find. Trying to be patient with myself and my emotions, trying to foster some kind of attitude of compassion with myself- but at the same time, not quite sure where the line lies between "nurturing" and "wallowing".
I am doing really out of character things and then forgetting all about it- I went out to buy batteries today and came home with 2 donuts. I don't think I have ever bought donuts in my life- I don't know if I even LIKE donuts, but they are sitting in a box in my fridge. I've spent hours making lists of really random things, only to throw them away because I forget what the purpose of the list was in the beginning. I'm staying up later, sleeping later- then waking up panicking about being late, when I don't have anywhere to go. I have strange flashbacks of being in New York, then "come around" 2 hours later confused and disorientated.
I'm not sure what is going on or why, all of a sudden now, my brain seems to be short-circuiting. I'm writing this not because I particularly want it out there for the whole world to be able to see, but in the hope that one day I'll read it back and it will be nothing more than just another piece in my jigsaw.
For now though, I am scared.
ten months old.
4 weeks ago