Thursday, 2 April 2009

If You're Asking To Be Saved, You Must Learn How To Kneel

I'm still struggling to put into words what I'm thinking/feeling right now. I'm swinging between sheer despair, and complete numbness. My days and nights seem to be merging into one grey blurry mess and I've spent much of the last few days sitting on my sofa, staring into space.

This evening I started to realise that a lot of this is anger. Anger is something I don't generally acknowledge, let alone express. I don't like to judge feelings as "good" or "bad", but anger just feels so wrong, so unjustified. Stemming from misunderstanding, judgment, frustration. I see "anger" as an umbrella-term for lots of feelings that I don't want to be having.

I am angry right now though, and am sitting here getting more and more angry as I resent the anger itself. A lot of my thoughts the past few days have been sheer frustration at this cloud hanging over my head, wishing it would just float away as easily as it appeared. Wanting answers, resolutions- ANYTHING that would make this somehow make some sort of sense to me.

I'm adding fuel to my own fire- I know better than this. I've read the books, sat in therapy sessions, own piles and piles of handouts labelled "Distress Tolerance" and "Coping Skills". I know better than to sit and ruminate, thinking about what went wrong and where and why.

Random thoughts and bizarre memories are popping into my head in a very surreal movie-type way, triggering me to either burst into tears or burst out laughing. I feel like I have lost complete control over my own mind, and as a self-confessed control freak, this doesn't sit well with me.

I'm trying to hold onto whatever positivity and strength I can find. Trying to be patient with myself and my emotions, trying to foster some kind of attitude of compassion with myself- but at the same time, not quite sure where the line lies between "nurturing" and "wallowing".

I am doing really out of character things and then forgetting all about it- I went out to buy batteries today and came home with 2 donuts. I don't think I have ever bought donuts in my life- I don't know if I even LIKE donuts, but they are sitting in a box in my fridge. I've spent hours making lists of really random things, only to throw them away because I forget what the purpose of the list was in the beginning. I'm staying up later, sleeping later- then waking up panicking about being late, when I don't have anywhere to go. I have strange flashbacks of being in New York, then "come around" 2 hours later confused and disorientated.

I'm not sure what is going on or why, all of a sudden now, my brain seems to be short-circuiting. I'm writing this not because I particularly want it out there for the whole world to be able to see, but in the hope that one day I'll read it back and it will be nothing more than just another piece in my jigsaw.

For now though, I am scared.


Stef said...

Hey Ellie, I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. Even if you can't pinpoint your emotions right now, it's good that you're recognizing that you're feeling SOMETHING that is making you uncomfortable. Being angry is ok. Even if you KNOW it's not productive to sit and ruminate, sometimes you just have to. Let yourself feel the way you need to feel, but don't let it get intolerable. Can you reach out? Is there someone you can talk to over a cup of coffee, just to get outside of your head for a little while? I hope that your day is improving...let me know if I can help you in any way.

kali said...

babe, sometime you need to nut out a bit. and it is fine!! sitting and staring and allowing your mind to wander - when was the last time you did that??

allow it to happen and go with the flow. maybe tomorrow you will wake up and that amazing amazing switch will finally flip for you. or maybe it wont, maybe you will spend tomorrow doing the same. you have to hit this point to get you back. its a fucking bitch and stef is right, you knwo when it is intolerable and you have to use what you feel is that ellie in you to reach out when you hit it.

its hard for me to express and explain... i'm `recovered' and its painful and dangerous for me to put myself back into that bitch of a place you are in atm. i wish i could reach back in and give you something, anything, to help that click happen.

it hurts that i cant but ellie? however much you loose yourself in thought, whatever that process is? hold onto the click.... its coming so fucking soon babe. reading your blog and having the honour of ebing your friend... i can see it happening before me and, like all your amazing courageous friends, im patiently waiting and willing it with all my might.
go with the flow and trust you. not ed, not anorexia, you. ELLIE.
feel free to phone/text/mail i am up at all hours and babe... the click is coming! the canvas will be white and it is just awesome xxx

Danielle said...

I'm thinking about you Ellie!

Anonymous said...

Remember, it's not worth it to dwell on the past or how bad we feel. Feeling are feelings, they are true and we should not feel guilty.
Keep you head above water. Keep swimming. There is no reason to be angry with yourself.
You deserve to be compassionate and nuture yourself. You are beautiful, Ellie.
I'm here for you.

Lexi said...

I had a similar feeling today: I even out-loud screamed, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?? Then settled down on my sofa for a quick nap. I think these times are set aside for really figuring out what's going on in our minds. Although it may seem cloudy and unsettling, try to use this time to help you unlock and solve mysteries that have been bothering you. If that made any sense. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
Much love,

Elle said...

Hey Ellie,
Anger is really an overwhelming thing to truly let yourself feel and experience, instead of trying to ignore it or bottle it up. I think that society in general teaches that women aren't supposed to express anger - we're supposed to be calm and complacent, smile and "turn the other cheek" like some 50's housewife. Even though we've made progress in some areas, being able to freely express ALL of our emotions without judgment isn't one of them. I know it's really scary and terribly uncomfortable, but I hope that you can come to terms with your anger and realize that it's part of what makes you human. I had denied that I was angry for so long, that when I finally opened up and admitted it I surprised myself with the intensity of the emotions that sprang forth.

I think you're doing the right thing - writing this down, so you can reflect on it later. We all have days that are harder than others, especially days that involve dealing with emotional baggage. Sometimes I wish we could just check that shit and forget about it - but then I realize that it's better to deal with it now than keep stuffing it down inside, only to have it bubble up and throw me for a loop some months down the road.

Take care of yourself; I'm thinking about you, and if you ever need anything you know you can always e-mail me or send me an IM.

Much love,

Thinspired said...

Hi Ellie,
I am so sorry to read you are struggling today. I do knoww hat you mean about the movie-type scenes floating through your head with no control over what goes on in your mind. It is horrible.
I know from experience that sometimes when you really really struggle like this, you are actually breaking through to a point of healing and getting better. I hope that is what this is for you--the storm before the sun rises.
Thank you for letting me know about the TVP & oat bran! I had no idea they were sold at H&B. Could have saved myself some more room in my suitcase! Haha.
Take care of yourself; this time will pass.

Pammy said...

Ellie, I am sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate to what you are saying about anger. My therapist always tells me that its the one emotion I refuse to address. But I think that by addressing it and dealing with it, things will start to get easier. I wish I was there with you now so I could give you a big hug because I know what its like to spend days being disoriented and confused. you are in my thoughts and prayers darling. love you lots

Syd said...

I allow myself to feel the anger, and then I look at what's behind it. Most of the time, I'm feeling threatened. And that's because I have fear as my chief character defect. I wrote about that and rejection yesterday. Anyway, processing what's behind the anger helps me.

ElleMigliore said...

I know it's not funny but I had to laugh when I read that you went to the store for batteries and came home with donuts! So random!!

Anyway, I'm sorry that you are having an off day and unable to pinpoint where it's all coming from.. but at least you are able to recognize your emotions.

I was telling this to Stef and it seems to fit your post as well: Something that my clinical psych professor in University said once that really stuck was this: "Anger is a combination of 2 feelings: hurt and fear. So if someone (including yourself) is angry, ask them 2 questions: What is it you are afraid of and/or how did I hurt you?"

It has kind of helped me a little when i'm upset or frustrated but can't really figure out what the underlying issue is.

I know what you mean about reading all the self help and coping type books but still being set in some of our own ways. You have to look at it though as although they havent completely morphed your behavior, they have made you more aware of feelings/whats going on/etc.. and that is 2 steps ahead of most of the public out there.. so give yourself some credit.

I hope that the end of the week brings you some relief and enjoyment.

Btw, I just saw the replies that you sent to my gmail from a few weeks ago!! I forget to check my gmail account.. so i just wanted to say thank yoU!!