Saturday, 11 April 2009

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner!

I am not known for being a pushover. I am not outspoken in any way, but I generally say what I think, with as much tact as possible. I stand up for what I believe in and will leap into conversations to stick up for people/things I am passionate about. I am not a disobedient person- on the contrary, I like having rules and order, but I need to know why the rules are in place if I am going to follow them. I question things a lot- not in a confrontational way but I am, by nature, a curious person and like to understand why people say/do the things they do. I hate arguments and fighting but will quite happily sit and debate something for 3 hours to understand where you are coming from and put my point of view forward.

Yet when it comes to anorexia ordering me around, I cower in the corner. I don't question the rules laid down- I just follow them. I don't challenge the statements yelled out at me- I take them to heart and hold them to be true.

So why is it different when it comes from anorexia rather than from another person? If a "friend" told me I didn't deserve to eat/should lose Xlbs/should skip my snack, I'd tell them where to go. No holds barred. My body, my life. Yet when it comes from anorexia, it's a whole different story. Maybe because it is so hard to separate anorexic thoughts from my own thoughts? I find that the times I CAN separate the two, I am able to fight back. But when the two merge together and it's hard to prise them apart, it's impossible to bring a logical argument into the equation. The real "ellie" gets lost amidst the whispers and roars of anorexia and I find myself doing things that I later question- this is NOT who I am. This is NOT what *I* believe to be right/important. Measuring out peanut butter and spending 5 minutes levelling off the teaspoon? Spending several hours working out the exact calories/protein/fiber in my breakfast? Meh. If I liked numbers, I'd be a mathematician.

I am not what anorexia makes me. Perfectionist, yes. Likes control? Oh-so-cliche, but oh-so-true. But obsessive to the point where I can barely string together a coherent sentence because my thoughts are so jumbled? NO.

I am a creative person. I love to dance around my room pretending my hairbrush is a microphone. I love curling up on the sofa watching "Scrubs". I could spend all day in a bookstore hunting out books with funny titles and taking photos of me and my friend holding them. I love exploring new areas, travelling, working. I love writing- all kinds of stuff. For a long time I have wanted to be a copywriter for an advertising agency (DREAM JOB!). I LOOOOOOOVE New York- the 24/7 buzz, the people, the atmosphere... I love who I am when I am there: outgoing, confident, driven, focused, healthy. I never wear make-up because I always forget I have it on and end up with mascara smeared all over my face. I laugh when I am uncomfortable and have a very dry sense of humour. I love going out for dinner with my friends in New York. I love learning random facts that will probably never be of use to me, but are fun to know. I rarely answer my phone- despite the months I spent working in call centres/receptions, I HATE picking up the phone knowing someone on the other side needs to talk to me about something. I am very impatient- I like things done immediately. I am not afraid of hard work, but if I am not seeing some kind of immediate results, I start to question the point of it all. I don't like making small decisions, but have NO problem making life-changing decisions. I then throw myself into my next adventure, only to get bored 3 months later and change gears. I can't walk in flip-flops of high heels- I can live with that. I wear my hair the same way every day- pulled back in a messy bun that inevitable falls out countless times during the day. I could spend a month in Wholefoods and never get bored. I love food: talking about it, reading about it, thinking about it, and yes- eating it. I never have music on at home, but my iPod is switched on as soon as I step outside my door- I wake up every morning with a song in my head, and that's the first one I listen to when I leave each morning. My play lists are categorised by feelings- whether I am angry, upset, happy, I have a whole bunch of songs right there to match my mood. I don't wear a watch and am always asking what time it is. I am terrified of ALL animals and will never have a pet for this reason. I don't mind spiders that come in my apartment, but if a bee or wasp enters, I am moving out. Seriously. I don't follow any particular religion, but am fascinated by Eastern philosophy. I don't know how to drive or boil an egg- I do make a mean ratatouille though and can do a babyfreeze (which I often do, at very random times...though seriously, it's a kind of random thing to do full stop, outside of a break dancing arena!) I have spelt "separate" wrong everytime I do a spell-check (thank you blogspot for bringing this to my attention!)

Point is, I feel like anorexia has taken up so much of my identity- particularly in the last few weeks between the psychotic episode and depression.

I am not anorexia. I need to keep reminding myself of that, and start paying more attention to ELLIE- investing my time in the part of me that I want to grow stonger and bolder, rather than wasting my time and energy fueling the fire I want to burn out.

Tell me some random facts about you!


Pammy said...

This is a really powerful post. Its great that you are recognizing all the things you are and anorexia is not. Even if it is hard right now to distinguish between your voice and Ed's voice, just listing all the things you are is a huge step. Stay strong love, I am cheering for you.

itsawrapteacher said...

I loved learning some new things about you. I have too many random things about myself but it's funny how I don't define myself by eating disorder either. I am so much more than that!

Anonymous said...

I loved reading this, and I definitely learnt a lot about you that I hadn't known before. I categorise my iPod playlists by emotions too - the most often played are 'up', 'down' and...'stompy' :P hehe.
I hope you can start untangling Ellie and anorexia a bit more, I would love to get to know you better.

Lexi said...

I loved learning more about you, girl. Great post. I think that this was a really good thing for you to write. Look over this again, you're AWESOME without E.D. seriously.
Love always,

Cacti Don't Cry said...

I loved this post... it's fantastic that you can separate what is YOU from what is the ED. Of course, it's a lot harder to do it on a constant basis, but I know that you have it in you to do it.