I am not known for being a pushover. I am not outspoken in any way, but I generally say what I think, with as much tact as possible. I stand up for what I believe in and will leap into conversations to stick up for people/things I am passionate about. I am not a disobedient person- on the contrary, I like having rules and order, but I need to know why the rules are in place if I am going to follow them. I question things a lot- not in a confrontational way but I am, by nature, a curious person and like to understand why people say/do the things they do. I hate arguments and fighting but will quite happily sit and debate something for 3 hours to understand where you are coming from and put my point of view forward.
Yet when it comes to anorexia ordering me around, I cower in the corner. I don't question the rules laid down- I just follow them. I don't challenge the statements yelled out at me- I take them to heart and hold them to be true.
So why is it different when it comes from anorexia rather than from another person? If a "friend" told me I didn't deserve to eat/should lose Xlbs/should skip my snack, I'd tell them where to go. No holds barred. My body, my life. Yet when it comes from anorexia, it's a whole different story. Maybe because it is so hard to separate anorexic thoughts from my own thoughts? I find that the times I CAN separate the two, I am able to fight back. But when the two merge together and it's hard to prise them apart, it's impossible to bring a logical argument into the equation. The real "ellie" gets lost amidst the whispers and roars of anorexia and I find myself doing things that I later question- this is NOT who I am. This is NOT what *I* believe to be right/important. Measuring out peanut butter and spending 5 minutes levelling off the teaspoon? Spending several hours working out the exact calories/protein/fiber in my breakfast? Meh. If I liked numbers, I'd be a mathematician.
I am not what anorexia makes me. Perfectionist, yes. Likes control? Oh-so-cliche, but oh-so-true. But obsessive to the point where I can barely string together a coherent sentence because my thoughts are so jumbled? NO.
I am a creative person. I love to dance around my room pretending my hairbrush is a microphone. I love curling up on the sofa watching "Scrubs". I could spend all day in a bookstore hunting out books with funny titles and taking photos of me and my friend holding them. I love exploring new areas, travelling, working. I love writing- all kinds of stuff. For a long time I have wanted to be a copywriter for an advertising agency (DREAM JOB!). I LOOOOOOOVE New York- the 24/7 buzz, the people, the atmosphere... I love who I am when I am there: outgoing, confident, driven, focused, healthy. I never wear make-up because I always forget I have it on and end up with mascara smeared all over my face. I laugh when I am uncomfortable and have a very dry sense of humour. I love going out for dinner with my friends in New York. I love learning random facts that will probably never be of use to me, but are fun to know. I rarely answer my phone- despite the months I spent working in call centres/receptions, I HATE picking up the phone knowing someone on the other side needs to talk to me about something. I am very impatient- I like things done immediately. I am not afraid of hard work, but if I am not seeing some kind of immediate results, I start to question the point of it all. I don't like making small decisions, but have NO problem making life-changing decisions. I then throw myself into my next adventure, only to get bored 3 months later and change gears. I can't walk in flip-flops of high heels- I can live with that. I wear my hair the same way every day- pulled back in a messy bun that inevitable falls out countless times during the day. I could spend a month in Wholefoods and never get bored. I love food: talking about it, reading about it, thinking about it, and yes- eating it. I never have music on at home, but my iPod is switched on as soon as I step outside my door- I wake up every morning with a song in my head, and that's the first one I listen to when I leave each morning. My play lists are categorised by feelings- whether I am angry, upset, happy, I have a whole bunch of songs right there to match my mood. I don't wear a watch and am always asking what time it is. I am terrified of ALL animals and will never have a pet for this reason. I don't mind spiders that come in my apartment, but if a bee or wasp enters, I am moving out. Seriously. I don't follow any particular religion, but am fascinated by Eastern philosophy. I don't know how to drive or boil an egg- I do make a mean ratatouille though and can do a babyfreeze (which I often do, at very random times...though seriously, it's a kind of random thing to do full stop, outside of a break dancing arena!) I have spelt "separate" wrong everytime I do a spell-check (thank you blogspot for bringing this to my attention every.single.day!)
Point is, I feel like anorexia has taken up so much of my identity- particularly in the last few weeks between the psychotic episode and depression.
I am not anorexia. I need to keep reminding myself of that, and start paying more attention to ELLIE- investing my time in the part of me that I want to grow stonger and bolder, rather than wasting my time and energy fueling the fire I want to burn out.
Tell me some random facts about you!
four years old.
4 weeks ago