Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Rejoining The Human Race

The past couple of days have been 'different'. I am still experiencing waves of depression, but they are WAVES and in between them, I am experiencing something I don't ever remember feeling before. I don't even know how to describe it.
  • peace
  • acceptance
  • serenity
  • bliss
  • safe
It's not a manic rush of happiness and elation, but periods of stillness where I feel in tune with my core, at ease with myself and the world around me. I haven't analyzed it too much and neither do I want to. I'm just enjoying these moments, and riding out the waves of depression that come because...what's the alternative? Fighting them doesn't work. Resenting them doesn't work. Lying down and letting them wash over me without struggle seems to be all that I CAN do, but these moments in between when things feel "okay" are making it worth it.

I don't know if this is partly due to me FINALLY taking my therapist's advice and cutting down the amount of diet pills I am taking by half. When I saw her Friday and literally begged for ANYTHING I could do that might change things, this was the one thing that I have managed. And despite my fears that I would turn into a hungry and sleepy zombie, the opposite has come true. I almost feel like I am floating without the jolt of chemicals at 6am. Everything feels less urgent, less frantic, less chaotic. The need to control and organise and be productive 24/7 has subsided and I am happy to just be. To just exist and make the most of each moment, recognising that each moment is a chance to lay the foundations for the next moment, but there is no pressure to think beyond the hours ahead of me.

One step at a time.

I hope this doesn't sound too wacky/crazy. This has definitely been a roller-coaster few weeks and despite the ongoing difficulties I am having with depression, the ride seems to be slowing down. Finally.

Still internet issues going on, but as of next Friday, will have a new service provider so will have free reign to take photos, comment, etc. I can't WAIT! I am going to try to get to the library this week because I do have some photos for you guys :)

7 comments:

Sarah said...

I'm SO GLAD to hear that things are becoming more manageable!! You are such a beautiful person, and deserve to be happy! And this is really a huge step...as the depression eases, you will be able to give yourself the chance to really take on ED, because you will be that much more positive and strong. And I'm glad that you are giving yourself some time to just BE and embrace your emotions...hard to do, but so worth it! I hope you have a wonderful day-hugs!!

Stef said...

I'm SO PROUD of you for weaning yourself off of those diet pills! Woo! Your waves of depression and the lulls of calm/acceptance in between are very interesting. I think it's great that you are feeling in tune and a bit more relaxed! It must be such a relief to have the world slow down a bit, in a good way. I guess the caffeine and other stuff from the pills not pulsing through your veins is really helping!

Can't wait to see the pics :)

Sheena said...

It really makes me happy that you are finding some peace and acceptance. i think that is so important and something that many of use struggle with. It was brave of you to take your therapist's advice adn trust it so that's also a great step.

Just enjoy the peaceful moments, and know that the waves of depression are just that -- waves, so they do come to an end.

Take Care!

Lexi said...

I was so happy while reading this post! I'm so glad you were able to feel the emotions you've been feeling :) I am also glad that the depression has only come in waves. So proud / happy for you!!! Love love love always,
Lexi

ElleMigliore said...

omg, i am so so so happy to hear that you are experiencing some relief, and even moreso that you are just letting it "be" rather than overanalyze the root of it!

Just from reading your blog the last couple months, I can see what an ongoing battle this has been for you!! You speak to so many through your writings and I know that through this post, you will be able to give so many other girls strength! Keep on keepin' on ;)

Pammy said...

So glad to hear that things are getting easier. Its great that the depression is subsiding and only coming in waves and you starting to experience emotions that you haven't in a while. I hope that things will start to get even better. Love you

Katie said...

I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better :) well done for cutting down on the pills! It's always nice when bodies thank you for things like that, it makes it a bit easier to challenge things again next time. I really hope the feeling lasts, goodness knows you deserve a break!