Thursday, 23 April 2009

Let The Healing Begin


I forgive myself for having never completing high school/college...
I forgive myself for not going to medical school...
I forgive myself for putting my friendships/relationships on the back-burner...
I forgive myself for the damage I have caused to my body...
I forgive myself for the years I spent in hospital...
I forgive myself for not accepting the treatment I was given because I wasn't ready for it...
I forgive myself for relapsing after my family invested a lot of time/money into my treatment...
I forgive myself for not being as independent as I would like...
I forgive myself for not being able to manage living/working in New York last summer...
I forgive myself for the suicide attempts and self-harm...
I forgive myself for developing an eating disorder...

I forgive myself because I can't go back and change things, do things differently. I've done a lot of things I regret over the years, damaged a lot of relationships and caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. I think about it a lot and wish I could go back in time and somehow fix things- but I can't. And until I stop punishing myself for the choices I HAVE made, I'll never break free from this spiral of self-loathing/self-destruction. All that I have is THIS moment: a chance to make healthier choices and a chance to lay solid foundations so that the years ahead of me aren't repeats of the years that lie behind me.

Now with the heavy stuff out of the way...

Breakfast:


Same banana oat base (oats, 1/2 milk + 1/2 water, vanilla, pinch of salt, mashed banana), with raspberries and white chocolate peanut butter again- the last of my raspberries thankfully. I thought frozen fruit is generally a pretty safe bet in terms of good taste but these were really sour. Maybe I just don't really like raspberries! I have lots of frozen blueberries and some cans of pumpkin so my oats will be raspberry-free from this point on.

In the spirit of self-compassion, I wanted to try one of my childhood favourite foods. I didn't eat 'junk food' often when I was little (I was the weirdo kid with raw mushrooms and raisins at playtime!) but occasionally my dad would take me to the bakery for one of these:


Honestly? I didn't like it very much. I think my taste buds have changed quite a lot over the years- it tasted sickeningly sweet but otherwise doughy and bland. My love of raw mushrooms and raisins remains, however! I'm glad I TRIED this because doughnuts are a kind of "no-go" zone for me, but give me a Clif bar or Larabar over this any day. Of course, I will need to experiment with some other old favourites ;) What were some of your favourite foods when you were growing up? Do you still enjoy them now?

Onto dinner:


Leftover tofu (marinaded in BBQ sauce) with mashed potato and steamed vegetables. So unphotogenic, but so tasty! I was very tempted to squirt ketchup and mustard all over it to add some flashy colours (think "JAZZZZZZ HANDS" culinary-style!) but I resisted the urge. I know a lot of you guys appreciate tofu and steamed vegetables even if they don't glow in the dark or sparkle (cheese-whiz anyone?)

Have a great weekend everyone!

11 comments:

Lauryn said...

i love love love your list -- the power of forgiveness is immeasurable, especially when you're forgiving yourself! i hope that even writing that out helped you find more peace =)

hmm favorite food as a kid? chicken fingers and fries! i havent had them in forever though, the greasiness isn't as appealing anymore!

have a wonderful day!

Thinspired said...

Amen for forgiveness.
I finally tried the white chocolate peanut butter today and pretty much died it was so good.
I'd love to read that post on childhood foods...creepy!

Syd said...

I was the first one on my ninth step amends list. I forgave myself and received grace as a result. Great list.

Sheena said...

Hey sweets~

I think your list is a great idea. You're right that it is so hard to move forward if we can't forgive ourselves for the past, and I am having so much trouble with that.

I had read that your tastes, everything from decor to fashion to food, changes every 7 years so maybe that's why you no longer like teh donut.

I hope you have a great weekend. Take care

PS: I love ding dongs and Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies and Oreos soaked in milk as a kid.

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

im so happy you forgive yourself..all we can do is learn from our past to better our future xxxxxxxxx

rediscoveringlauren said...

hi hun
beautiful list :) forgiving yourself is such a wonderful and freeing thing and will definetly help with self-love and self-acceptance!
the eats look great! hmm fav food as a kid....definetly pasta or pancakes :)
oh and what you wrote in your post before this one about the impact of sleep and how sleep and nourishment really make such a difference to how you feel mentally, so SO true! im so glad youve realized this :) it really shows that when we take care of ourselves properly, our bodies benefit and so does our mind!
have a great friday hun
much love
xxxx

Sarah said...

Wonderful list...you are so brave to share these things AND to start the process of forgiveness...I'm going to work on my list, too :)

One of my favorite childhood foods was avocado...there are numerous pictures of me with it smeared all over my face! I also loved plain old Cheerios!

kali said...

HA HA!!!! GO WITH THAT FEELING (and forgive yourself any bad days) welcome to the world and your new canvas. AM SO PROUD OF YOU. you are just.... inspiring. you can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxx
you fucking rock ellie.

jesslikesithot said...

Always refer back to this list whenever you get down on yourself!!! Forgive yourself and just be! :)

Those oats look so delicious, even with the sour berries!!

Nutritious is Delicious said...

What a great post! Live in this moment and make it a moment you won't regret! :D

One of my favorite childhood treats was kool-aid....I would probably still enjoy it if I enjoyd drinking straight sugar water! lol I also used to love little debbie stuff....don't think I would touch them now?!

Stef said...

YES! Forgiveness is great, especially SELF-forgiveness! Interesting how taste buds change, but I'm glad you decided to go for the pastry anyway, just to try!