"Be not afraid of moving forward- only afraid of standing still"
- discovering who the real me is
- discovering what I want to do with my life
- learning to find my own structure and purpose, without anorexia to give my existence meaning
- finding a way to deal with stress/disappointment/hurt/anger without starving it away
- feeling worthy of taking up space in this world
- learning to like myself enough to treat my body well, without hitting the default self-destruct button when things are hard
It was brought up in a couple comments that the recovery I imagine is one as if my eating disorder never existed. A huge part of me (okay, all of me :P ) wishes that I COULD go back in time and somehow do things differently. But would I? Probably not. I think that things happen for a reason- perhaps not a very valid one, or maybe just a really vague one. Maybe I can use this whole experience to my advantage: I've definitely learned a lot about myself and the way I think. The same way that anorexia has skewed my perception of food/my body/health, I hope that recovery shines a different light on those things and I emerge from these shadows with a new found respect for my body as the amazing thing that all living creatures are.
Maybe I'll never love my body (really, what woman does?), maybe I'll always order my salad dressing on the side, maybe I'll always feel self-conscious in a bikini/have fleeting thoughts about how life might be better if I lose Xlbs/weigh out my portion of pasta. I don't think it's uncommon for people to DO these things. Not to say I think it's great, but it's something I can live with.
Maybe I'll recognise that losing Xlbs won't miraculously get me a great job/apartment/boyfriend. Maybe I'll just recognise that losing Xlbs will make me Xlbs lighter. No more, no less. Maybe I'll use the same drive and determination that fuels my eating disorder to do something POSITIVE. It's likely a character trait that will always be a part of me, but I don't need to use it to destroy myself- I can channel it somewhere different and use it to my advantage.
Things I want to work on:
- defining recovery
- separating what are personality traits of ME and what are anorexia
- looking at the traits and seeing where else I can direction them