Monday, 27 April 2009

Looking Through Different Eyes

Yesterday's anxiety spiralled into a frenzy last night. I knew I should just call it a night and go to bed, but I stayed awake, curled up on the sofa writing in my "meal planner" book, throwing out food, sticking abusive notes to myself all over my apartment. I woke up this morning feeling like a different person- went to the fridge to get my overnight muesli, only to remember that in last night's rampage, I had covered the entire thing with washing-up liquid.

I walked around slowly, pulling down the notes, cleaning up and starting my week afresh.

I spent a lot of time last night looking at blog entries from a year ago when I was in New York. I noted two things:-

  1. This time last year, I was writing very similar posts: the same frustrations about not being able to let go of my eating disorder and move forward once and for all- recognising baby steps, but not really making any significant changes
  2. I WAS happier overall being in New York, but I wrote a lot about the anxiety and depression I was dealing with, the loneliness, rejection, stress about finding/keeping a job, health care, etc. It wasn't all as happy and wonderful as I continue to picture it to be.

So where does that leave things? I don't want to be writing the same posts a year from now. I thought I would want to be living in New York, but having re-read how I really felt/managed whilst I was there, I'm not so sure.

I am so frustrated right now- I feel like I have no goals in mind, nothing to aim for and am just drifting along for no real reason. That was the thinking behind last night's 'episode'- I figured that if I can't be normal/recovered/living a "real" life, then why even bother trying to fight this at all?..

I AM feeling better this morning. Not because I woke up having discovered my true calling in life and suddenly have goals/purpose/passions to pursue, but because I need to believe that somehow, sometime this will get easier. It's not always going to be like this- though part of my brain is screaming as I write this that things really AREN'T going to change dramatically. But that is such a defeatist attitude, such a cop-out. As long as I am around, I have a chance to change things- I guess although I am having a lot of the same thoughts as last night, instead of using it to fall head-first back into heavy ED behaviours, I'm trying to use it to propel me forward...

Before I forget, head on over to Meg's site to read a great post about living life to the fullest!


With today's breakfast sabotaged, I kind of panicked. I didn't want to eat the breakfast I planned last night when I was in such an emotional state, so scrounged around to make up my usual calorie quota with what was lying around...

Bran flakes with Fage honey twin pot and raisins. Where would I be without Fage?! I actually found this sickeningly sweet- I love honey, but there was a LOT of it in this yogurt. I think I'll stick to the cheesecake fruit twin pots.

And BIG NEWS! My oven is FIXED! Of course, I had to test it out...

I made a sauce for the kidney beans using melted laughing cow cheese, pesto and mushrooms. With baked sweet potato half-moons. It's all about the ha-hee-hey-ho sweet po-ta-to... I forgot how much I love pesto- I find it a bit strong by itself, but combined with the creamy laughing cow cheese was delicious. This is the closest thing I have come to "cooking" in a really long time- and definitely a first time for me "experimenting" and making up some sort of recipe as I went along. Loved it :)

Question: I finally found an all natural non-soy protein powder (it's pea protein). Stellar nutritional stats, but it's unflavoured. I don't have a blender so smoothies are out- anyone got ideas for how to use it? I am wary about buying it if it's going to be gross, but open to suggestions for jazzing it up!


Lauryn said...


today is a new day -- i'm thinking of you and hoping all your anxiety melts away! stay strong!

Cacti Don't Cry said...

Sorry about last night; but it is a new day / week, and you can just start over again. That's the beautiful thing about it.

Anonymous said...

This is where I buy all my protein powder. You can make a custom mix of only pea protein and they have TONS of flavors. Check it out. They are great with customer service too, so if you have any questions they are really good at emailing you back.

I hear you about the frustration though. Every year I make the same resolutions and every year I'm upset that I'm not further ahead. But it is important to recognize the small steps we make along the way...because it is a very long journey of small steps.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about last night Ellie, but at least you know now that you need to make some change so that you can he happier!! This week, try to figure out the main things that cause anxiety...and challenege/work on overcoming them!! If you do that, you may be able to get farther away from this stress and food-related anxiety!

Congrats on the kitchen experimentation!! That sounds like a yummy sauce! And hmm try protein powder in oatmeal maybe? A lof of bloggers do that but I haven't yet!

Anonymous said...

Ack, I'm sorry things got a bit out of hand last night. It's so easy to get disheartened <3 but although it must feel like you've been stuck in the same situation forever, you really have been making steps forward. Just because you can't see a major change now doesn't mean that you will be in the same place still this time next year. If you went full steam back into the anorexia now it might take months to get back on track, and you would have no chance of moving forward for a while - but as long as you keep on doing as you are now there is every chance that things will change. It might just take a while longer. Where there's life there's hope, and all that :)
I hope things are calmer this evening x

Sheena said...

Wow Ellie~

It sounds like we had very similar nights. My night was a huge b/p event, but I just couldn't find the will to fight any longer. I feel so worn out and just keep thinking, what's teh use? I can't beat this. I keep hitting these horrible lows and I just want to give up.

Your strength to keep fighting and start today anew is giving me some hope though. Take Care sweetie.

ElleMigliore said...

I'm sorry you're struggling with anxiety! what a rough night.. but today is a new day, a new week, and a new outlook! I'm glad that you were able to assemble an impromptu breakfast! that says something by being able to stray away from order and planning of ed!! And your dinner looks so tasty! i do the same thing with l.c. cheese and mushrooms! soooo good!

I hope this week goes better for you! Remember your other post where you said you felt at ease and didn't want to analyze it too much? maybe try to recreate that by just "being"...

goodluck lovely,

Stef said...

Last night sounded like a doozy. I'm glad that you decided to start fresh this morning though! (pity about the muesli, I bet it would have been yummy!) Happy that your oven works too, I bet you'll think up lots of great creations!

Lexi said...

So glad you're feeling better today - beautiful eats, especially that sweet potato ;)
Love always, stay strong.

Meg said...

Sweeeet potato friiiesss! Love it love it LOVE IT! I love ALL of your eats, actually. I'm not big on protein powder, but I'm sure there are PLENTY of bloggies out there who can give you some really good info on it :)

I'm so sorry you've been frustrated about your steps towards recovery, but just remember that everyone has to go through struggles, and you CAN overcome them. You just really have to question your actions before you let them happen, and just have a lot of faith. You're strong and beautiful, and can overcome any challenge.

MUCH love, Meg