Monday, 27 April 2009

Conflict

I'd written a long post about how determined I was to recover- how I was tired of saying the same things, setting the same goals, etc and not really taking any steps to change the current status quo. As soon as I hit "publish", my mood crashed. I don't really know where I stand right now. Obviously, I am getting some sort of "pay off" from my eating disorder or it would be easier to give up...or would it? I don't know. I am insanely jealous of people that have recovered and are living "eating disorder free" lives. But on the other hand, I am almost equally jealous of people who remain unwell. I am so torn between the bigger goals I have in life, and the short-term "fixes" my eating disorder gives me. When I am depressed or anxious or upset about something- there is some instant gratification to be found in my eating disorder. Which leads to the bigger picture/goals becoming further out of sight leading to more need for that "quick fix"- it's a viscious cycle and I'm not sure how to break it.

This post was originally supposed to be some pledge to recovery...but it's not. I wrote a LONG post and sat staring at it for an hour, trying to adjust my thoughts to match what I genuinely felt when I wrote it.

I'm so conflicted right now.

4 comments:

burpandslurp said...

I totally understand. you're straddling the fence right now. you still don't really trust either sides, and you're feeling conflicted between these two sides, but you can't pick one and be 100% ok with it. But this will only drag out the process longer, and make it more painful. why cause unnecessary pain on yourself when you know deep inside WHAT is the better option? swing your leg over, girl,and keep with it! It's uncomfortable and awkward at first, but the result will be WELL WORTH it! sometimes you just need to bite the bullet!
I'm praying for you...

rediscoveringlauren said...

hi hun

firstly, i got the la tortilla wraps from a bar swap i did with the lovely jaime a while ago! unfortunatly they dont do them in the uk :(

secondly i know exactly what your feeling..conflicted between wanting to get better and wanting to be sicker. in recovery we need to reallly fully commit 100 percent to it and agree to ourselves to do whats right for us and not let that wish of being back with the e impact us too much...yes at times it can be stronger, but recoverys about pushing past that thought and moving forward with recovery because we knowdeep down its the only way we will ever live a healthy, happy life. i know you have it in you hun, and recovery will be SO SO worth it.
so keep fighting! you can do it!
much love
xxxxx

Sheena said...

Hey sweets~

I know you are conflicted, but I think it's great you had the will power and strength to write the original post. That shows that some part of you really wants to reach recovery and wannts it enough to make the committment.

Unfortunately, not all of you is ready for that step yet. But you will get there. have faith.

Stef said...

Ahhh! You summed it up perfectly, I really struggle with feeling jealous of people who are so vibrant and healthy, but I'm equally jealous of people who are so horribly sick too...neither way is a good way to think/live! I'm sorry you took a turn for the worst last night, I'm here if you need to talk!