Sunday, 12 April 2009

Up and Down and Round Again

"Know that when your mind keeps throwing up
roadblocks, you can just drive straight through them"

aah...the best quotes come from "Scrubs", don't ya think? :P (any other fans out there?)

So after yesterday's post, I was feeling pretty empowered. It felt good to put into words more about the real me beneath my eating disorder. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I woke up this morning in a complete daze. The world seemed grey and foggy, despite the very un-Scottish sunshine. Shapes were merging into one and other, the world was tilting at funny angles. I could see people's lips moving as they talked, but nothing seemed to make sense. Everything felt foreign and threatening.

Most of today has been pretty difficult. Not because it's Easter- my family are Jewish so busy with Passover festivities and I have spent much of the last few days by myself, avoiding any/all celebrations.

It's been difficult because of the ever-constant obsessing about food/calories/weight/numbers. I get like this sometimes- usually when I am tired or overwhelmed. I usually spend an evening frantically writing out lists, go to bed and feel better once I wake up. This hasn't eased up since the other night- sleep isn't helping, distractions aren't helping. NOTHING seems to be helping and I am frustrated beyond belief at how this electricity is pulsing through my brain. My head hurts, my notepads are filled, my meal plans torn up and rewritten a zillion times (sorry trees!)

I really don't know quite what to try at this point so I am going to cut to the chase and say exactly where I am at with this right now.

I know I need to change/increase what I am eating. I have gotten my head around accepting that fact. So what is stopping me? Partly very stupid reasons. The "safe" fall-back food I eat comes in a can and was on special offer a while ago- that's partly why I have been eating it every day. I must have bought about 60 of these damn things. I still have 18 by my logic, I should keep things the same for the next 18 days. Then I toyed with the idea of changing one of my other meals- but again, I stocked up on the items and have enough for another 3 weeks.

Two problems:

1) I have rewritten a decent meal plan when I was calm/rational, and it does NOT include these "safe" foods. It's not an overly scary meal plan in itself, but I have very particular associations now with these certain foods and I think it's best to avoid them completely for a while.

2) I hate wasting food- granted, these are canned/boxed items and good for a loooooooong time, but I get anxious having food around if I am not "scheduled" to eat it.

So that's where things stand. I HAVE a decent meal plan set-up, but am all stocked up for the next while for the current plan. The plan that is making me feel like crap mentally/physically (it's NOT an "restriction" plan, but is certainly not adequate in terms of nutrients, calories, etc for my body).

Then there is the whole fear of changing things and getting rid of my current staple foods (despite the fact that I am sick to death of them and actually feel like crying at the thought of one.more.damn.bite.of.this.crap).

It's so hard to step back and be rational when it comes to food. There is so much emotion tied into it, so many implications of eating- it's not as straightforward as just eating what tastes good/makes me feel good. The foods I enjoy are harder because I question whether I deserve to enjoy food and start feeling like a "fraud" of an anorexic. Which is, in itself, crazy because I abhor the label and want to be free of this identity. There is also the issue of eating stuff I DON'T enjoy- it's so hard to justify it. For health? For energy? I don't, on an emotional level, feel like I personally have a need for food. Beyond the bare minimum to keep my body ticking along, and even that at times is hard to justify. It's just so bizarre to sit and write it out, read it back- I am almost laughing at how crazy this all sounds. Yet deep down, my thoughts and fears are deep-rooted and challenging them isn't so easy.

I am very tempted to just say, "f*** it"- box up the food I have bought for a time when I can incorporate them into my diet easily. Go out tomorrow and buy the foods I know I want to/need to be eating. There is so much GUILT involved spending money on food though. I am terrified of running out of food (hence the stockpiling of my staple items) and terrified of running out of money (in case I run out of food!)

Oy vey. It's Sunday night and all I want to do is curl up with my book and try to unwind. Maybe posting this and just having it "out there" (rather than jostling around my brain) will help.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter!


Lexi said...

I'm glad you have devised a good meal plan for yourself right now. Don't feel guilty about buying food! You need food, it's not a petty want. I hope you have a beautiful, relaxing and calm Easter Day. You deserve to feel at peace with yourself.
Love Alllllllways,

Sheena said...

Hey sweetie~

I am really sorry you are struggling. I know the feeling of obsession over, when looking back, what seems like such trivial issues.

Try to remember what food is: it's fuel, it's nutrients and it's enjoyment. The bare minimum is not enough.

I suggest you try the new meal plan. Keep your safe foods around but not convenient, such as on a shelf out of reach. That way, if you just can't face a new meal one day you have your safe food to fall back on. BUT the safe foods are not convenient for you to just grab easily -- therefore prompting you to try your new meals.

Also, I know it's hard, but I worry about you avoiding everyone and staying to yourself. Maybe try to take part with your families activities? I just worry about you.

Just a thought. I hope things are better on Monday. Take Care!

Cacti Don't Cry said...

Ah, the old "I don't want this but it's here so I must finish it to prevent it going to waste" syndrome... think about it, though, wouldn't it be put to much better use if you shelved it for a while and came back to it if / when you really WANTED it? You have to eat anyway -- why shouldn't it be something you ENJOY?

Yes, I know, easier said than done. The numbers are driving me crazy too lately ... I can't seem to do ANYTHING without having a running tab in my head all day. But giving in to it will just make it worse. You know that. I hope you can find the courage to do what's right for YOU.

Stef said...

I LOVEEEE Scrubs! Such a great show. Love that quote! I'm sorry today didn't have quite the same upbeat spirit as yesterday...but I know you can get back to that positive state of mind! Be proud of all that you've accomplished and for NOT giving in! Hope your night is relaxing!

Anonymous said...

I get anxious about having food around if I don't know when I am going to eat it too, sometimes it feels like far more trouble than it's worth to get perishable items in because of the amount of stress it causes! Hmm. Is there any way you could give a few of the cans to your mum to use, or...would boxing them up and putting them somewhere completely out of sight help at all? Sometimes the act of putting something in a box, taping it up and putting it under the bed or in a cupboard can help get it out of my head as well. Maybe I'm just weird though, heh.
If you are a 'fraud' anorexic then I think the rest of us are too, because I certainly enjoy a lot of different foods and judging by most people's blogs, we are not alone in this terribly strange trait :P eating disorders are so bloody convoluted and frustrating. Just when you think you've gotten one part of it straight in your head it goes and comes up with something even MORE irrational and tangled. Something that helps me is to keep telling myself that it's not rational, it's an illness so I'm never going to make sense of it, even if I could journal for a million years! Sometimes you just have to let go of trying to work it out and try and get on with challenging it the best you can, even if things aren't all neat and tidy.
Sorry for the ramble, I didn't mean to go on for so long :P I hope you have a nice bank holiday!

Syd said...

Food is the fuel for the body. It keeps the cells going and functioning, just as oxygen does. It also happens to be pleasurable to enjoy (if it's good food). I hope that your food plan is something that you try.