It has never really occurred to me before that I could use my own experiences to help other people. I always wanted to leave it behind and move on, and never really have to think about it or face it again. Somehow the thought of seeing my own behaviours/thoughts/feelings mirrored in somebody else once I am completely well has not been of interest to me. I want to write a book one day for my own 'closure' on this period in my life. A nice story with a beginning, a middle and an end. Tie it up in a neat bound package and stash it away- on paper and no longer invading my everyday moves.
I started thinking more about this last night- how strongly I feel about people in distress getting the care and support they deserve. How I want so desperately to be somebody to talk to who "gets it" when so many treatment providers learned all they know from textbooks and lectures. I feel like I WANT to reach out and help in any way that I can. I don't quite know how. I don't want to train as a nurse or a counsellor because immediately I then change from being a peer/survivor, to being a distant professional and I think, for me, what has helped most has been talking to people who have been where I have and made it over to 'the other side'. Not because I particularly want to spend the rest of my life rehashing what has been a hellish period for me, but because I want to try and help others come out of it the way I hope to.
I'd still love to write a book one day but with more than just a, "then I lived happily ever after". i want it to show the whole journey- from where I was to where I am and how it happened for ME. No two people travel the same journey but we meet similar bumps in the road, get caught in similar thunderstorms, fall down similar wells and I'd hope that others can relate to at least parts of my story and gain some inspiration from it.
Kind of jumping ahead of myself here- I''m nowhere near the point of being in a position to do much more than say, "I understand and I care" right now. This feels important to me now though. I don't want to be seen as someone who was sick/dysfunctional/depressed/anorexic: I want to be seen as someone who MADE IT THROUGH and offer support and strength to anyone willing to listen. I don't want to preach and sing some cheesy "recovery ra-ra" song- I want to be honest about what I went through and show that it can be done. More of a "this is my story- tell me yours, tell me what you need, tell me how I can help" approach.
This is the first time I've really thought about it and it's made me feel like I have some sort of purpose transcending my own recovery. A chance to help someone else. If I can make just one person believe that suicide is not their ONLY option, then it would have been worth it. I mean that. I can't even put into words quite how passionate I am about this, but seeing/feeling what me and my friends have gone through over the last few months with so many lives lost...it's really knocked me for 6 and jolted me into this compulsion to reach out and do whatever I can to help
I set up a group on Facebook last night to put together lists of helplines, books, etc that might help people in crisis. If you ARE on facebook, please join and spread the word.
Onto some fabulous food... (because food is an important part of a balanced diet!)
Bran flakes, mashed banana and Fage cherry twin pot. A.K.A. banana cherry cheesecake. I am developing a slight obsession with these twin pots- I usually eat the plain Fage, but these are great...dessert for breakfast? Count me in!
Curried chicken salad (with raisins and dried apricots in it- amazing!), spinach and tomato on wholewheat roll. This was messy to eat, but tasted good- even after I ended up dropping half of it on my lap. Oops...laundry time!
I have a horrible cold so my appetite has been non-existant today. I think my body needs proper nutrition regardless in order to fight this off so am pushing through. Not sure if I am going to work tomorrow- I don't think that coughing and sneezing all over the switchboard and shared headset will go down well! Meanwhile, drinking lots of cups of tea, staying bundled up and resting.
Hope everyone is having a great week, and for those of you stressed with finals, etc- it's almost OVER! Thinking of you all!