Sunday, 10 May 2009

When All Is Said And Done

It hit me after writing yesterday's letter and reading your responses quite how much contempt I have for myself. I don't know if it's been festering beneath the surface for a while, or if this is a new feeling, but I am so full of rage towards myself right now. I feel like a parasite, a toxic pathetic excuse for a "human being". All evening yesterday and all day today, I keep replaying 'videos' in my mind of the last few years- the things I've done, the things I've said, the people I've hurt. I look back and take no pride in any accomplishments or achievements- I see failure after failure, loss after loss, screw-up after screw-up.

There is definitely something to be said for looking backwards and learning from past mistakes- there also comes a time when you need to stop dwelling on what's BEEN done, forgive yourself on some level, and move on. Punishing myself isn't getting me anywhere- if anything, it's adding fuel to the fire and adding to the list of 'reasons why I suck'. It's hard to know where to draw that line between tough love and self-compassion.

I am human. I've messed up. On a lot of levels. I've hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of harm and damage to myself and those around me. I can't go back and change things- I don't know if I'll ever let go completely of the regret for everything that's gone on over the last years. The time and money wasted, the people I have rejected, the pain I have inflicted. I don't think I will ever be completely at peace with myself knowing what I've done.

Forgiveness does not come easily to me. I store things away in the back of my mind, forgetting the events themselves and am left with feelings/urges that 'feel' like they come from out of nowhere, when the reality is they are my way of channeling the rage and self-hatred I have for myself.

How do you move beyond regret and start living for the present and the future? How do you forgive yourself for doing, what in your own eyes, is unforgiveable?

I NEED to figure this out- what I wrote yesterday still stands. Maybe my anger is not quite at myself and more at what my eating disorder has done, but I have to find a way to move past this and be more compassionate and caring towards myself. Dying of anorexia does not scare me- what scares me is the thought of living with anorexia for the next 10/20/30 years, repeating the same mistakes, stuck in the same cycles. As long as I dwell on what I can't go back and change, I'm never going to break free...


Anonymous said...

Oh hun...*hugs*

Trust me, I can so relate to the way you feel...but anorexia is an ILLNESS. It's not your fault in any way, shape, or form. You didn't WANT it; you didn't CHOOSE it. It happened...and yes, it hurt people - but that's what an eating disorder does. There's nothing we can do now but forgive ourselves and move on - learn from our mistakes so they don't happen again.

I know you can do it.

itsawrapteacher said...

I'm going to piggyback on the fact that anorexia is an illness. We are trying our best and that's all we can do. Remember you are not alone in this battle. We can do it!

I am addicted to Joseph's lavash wraps! Have you tried their pita bread too? Too bad you had to pay an arm and a leg for them. They're about $2.20 here. Enjoy!

Stef said...

Yes, forgiveness doesn't come easy to any of us, it's part of our nature that made us predisposed for anorexia in the first place! The first person we have to forgive and have compassion for is ourselves, and I think you're on the right track to do so. I know that I have, and I'm sure we all have, struggled so much with those thoughts of self-hatred and feeling pathetic and useless, as though our only contribution to the world is a negative one. But we have to KNOW that's not true, and push ourselves to become better people! We need to feel compassion towards ourselves because even though it feels like one at times, anorexia is NOT a choice. I think you put it quite well when you said you don't fear dying from anorexia but you DO fear living with it for years on end...that "in between" stage where you are medically stable enough to probably live for years, but mentally not well enough to enjoy living is the saddest stage. I KNOW you can break past this! <3

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to how you feel. I mean, I feel that all my accomplishments in life are completely shadowed by my ED and depression that have causes so much hurt and pain. My husband told me the other day, "You aren't passionate about anything but self hatred."
And maybe he is right.
But, I think it's important to remember that what we see as making us this terrible person, others see as just one negative part about us--not us in a whole. You're not a failure. You don't suck. It's ED that thinks that you are a failure and suck. Not the real Ellie. We love you and do not think you suck or are a failure.

Cacti Don't Cry said...

"You are your own harshest critic."

Everyone has things in their lives that they wish they could undo. That's life. We do things we regret. But for the most part, other people forgive us for them far sooner than we forgive ourselves.

Think of all the people who disagree with the things you tell yourself. Isn't it highly unlikely that the world is out to play a trick on you, and that everyone is lying to you just for the fun of it?

<3 <3