Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Variations On A Theme

Thank you SO much for your feedback on yesterday's post- it was really interesting to hear everyone's opinions on where my thoughts were yesterday.

I think what I was really trying to convey is that I am trying to shift my focus from constantly thinking about how 'disordered' some of my behaviours are, and just accept where I am right now in the hope that acceptance itself brings about change (rather than forcing it). It's not that different to what I have been working on in therapy the past few months, but accepting where I AM rather than constantly striving to be 'somewhere else' is a huge challenge for me. The trouble with acceptance for me is that it does often lead to complacency- my eating disorder gets ignored for the most part, my behaviours slip, anorexia seeps more and more into my daily routine and without me really noticing, I suddenly find myself back in dangerous territory.

Finding a middle ground between accepting and change is new to me- being such a black/white thinker, I find it really difficult to manage more than one thing at once: I can focus on changing my behaviours, or I can focus on accepting them. There needs to be some of both- the behaviours ARE present right now and I know better than just to brush them aside and ignore them. I also know that wishing they were just absent from my life doesn't necessarily make them disappear. Being aware of what I am doing whilst keeping the bigger picture in mind is what I am aiming for- a half-way point between fighting the small battles (laughing cow cheese or regular? 2% or fat free?) and winning the ultimate war (recovery/life/becoming ME).

I reread yesterday's post this morning with a slightly different mindset and disagreed with quite a few things I said. Yes, I am tired of feeling like life is a 'fight'- but really? It kind of is. On many levels. At this point anyway- if I separate 'me' from 'anorexia' (which I have a hard time doing) it DOES look and feel like some kind of battle going on. But it's not a battle I am willing to surrender to. Life in itself isn't necessarily a FIGHT- yes, it's filled with all kinds of ups and downs and chaos and confusion, but it's not ALL a struggle. In the depths of an eating disorder/depression, I tend to lose sight of what is truly important and get caught up in the whirlwind of what goes on in my head. So yes, fighting anorexia is a fight in the true sense of the word, but it's a fight for something worthwhile. So the battle continues. Lots of fighting talk today!

Last night ended up being pretty rough. I've been doing better with the obsessional thinking/meal planning I had talked about a couple of weeks ago, but it was full-force last night. A combination of triggers, but I googled and found this which I found helpful:

"Don’t try to control everything. If you have a tendency to obsess, chances are fairly good that you’re also a perfectionist. Realize that going over something again and again in your mind will not magically produce the ‘right’ answer."


Onto some more fun stuff...

Breakfast this morning:

Pumpkin, fromage frais, honey nut shredded wheat and peanut butter.

I love how runny the PB and Co. smooth peanut butter is- I don't imagine it working well as a sandwich filling, but it's perfect with cereal. For those of you who asked about fromage frais, it's pretty much identical to Greek yogurt in terms of taste and nutrition, but much runnier and half the price!

New snack alert!

This bar has been in my stash for ages- given that I hate both salty foods and crunchy foods, I was in NO rush to try it. I am so glad I did- this bar was AMAZING (so much so that I *may* have ordered a case to be delivered to where my mom is staying in NY next week to bring back for me...)

Pretzel/PB chips...mmm...

All in the spirit of branching out/trying new things, I made this:

Which somehow turned out like this:

Spot the difference! I have loved every Amy's meal that I have tried, but have yet to find a way to make them as pretty as they look on the packaging- my theory is that they purposely make them ugly so nobody tried to pass them off as homemade! Tasted great (and for anyone in the UK, these are 'buy one get one half price' in Holland and Barrett right now!)

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!


Syd said...

I think that when I am thinking that something is wrong with me, it's my ego trying to take me down. There really is nothing wrong with me. I have chosen to make the choices that I made and once I have begun to accept who I am and like that, then I have come to feel much better. You may want to listen to Cheri Huber's There's Nothing Wrong with You. I have it on CD and it's good.

Stef said...

LOL I love your theory about Amy's making their food look ugly, I'll sign up for that conspiracy too ;)

Yay so glad you could order more of those bars for your mom to bring back, that's awesome! Check out the hunk of pretzel, I LOVE when you can actually see and taste big pieces of whatever star ingredient!

Anonymous said...

I like the results of your googling - I have problems remembering that obsessing won't actually solve anything as well. It might, if I chose the right thing to obsess over :p but the things I worry about the most tend to be - no surprise - the things I have the least control over. Darn!
mmm, lasagne :) good stuff

Sheena said...

I have teh same problems with looking at everything as black or white. I cannot meld ideals -- something can't be two in the same. But it is something I am working on.

I am so glad you tried and liked the Mojo bar though! I love it. I think it's the perfect mix of sweet and salty for when my mind can't decide what I want.

I hope you are doing well, and take care!

Cacti Don't Cry said...

Love the quote!! I'm also always wondering something along those lines... like, if I stop thinking about something all the time, will it "go away"?

That Amy's theory is probably right... that particular Amy's meal makes me more sad than the rest!! :p

Anonymous said...

microwaveable meals always look so ugly, but the cover fools us! haha!
but on to the real stuff...Ellie, I'm so happy with this post...I agree with all that you said, and was so proud to see you write: "fighting anorexia is a fight in the true sense of the word, but it's a fight for something worthwhile"
Amen! May you win this battle!

Anonymous said...

that yogurt bowl look super duper yummy! I will definitely be trying it out some time soon. Oh and the peanut butter pretzel mojo is really good...def go try the other flavors, though, too because they wont disappoint! And Amy's veggie lasagna is so clutch! love it

hope you have a wonderful night and thanks again for the comment! :)

Anonymous said...

so glad i found another UK blogger! thanks for the tip about the H&B offer :) i am such an obsessive character too, i really hear where you're coming from. i look forward to reading more!

Thinspired said...

I love that quotation. My mom is always reminding me: "You can't control the world!!" It's always good to get reminders like that.
Oooh..I'm going to check out the H&B sale, thanks!