I think what I was really trying to convey is that I am trying to shift my focus from constantly thinking about how 'disordered' some of my behaviours are, and just accept where I am right now in the hope that acceptance itself brings about change (rather than forcing it). It's not that different to what I have been working on in therapy the past few months, but accepting where I AM rather than constantly striving to be 'somewhere else' is a huge challenge for me. The trouble with acceptance for me is that it does often lead to complacency- my eating disorder gets ignored for the most part, my behaviours slip, anorexia seeps more and more into my daily routine and without me really noticing, I suddenly find myself back in dangerous territory.
Finding a middle ground between accepting and change is new to me- being such a black/white thinker, I find it really difficult to manage more than one thing at once: I can focus on changing my behaviours, or I can focus on accepting them. There needs to be some of both- the behaviours ARE present right now and I know better than just to brush them aside and ignore them. I also know that wishing they were just absent from my life doesn't necessarily make them disappear. Being aware of what I am doing whilst keeping the bigger picture in mind is what I am aiming for- a half-way point between fighting the small battles (laughing cow cheese or regular? 2% or fat free?) and winning the ultimate war (recovery/life/becoming ME).
I reread yesterday's post this morning with a slightly different mindset and disagreed with quite a few things I said. Yes, I am tired of feeling like life is a 'fight'- but really? It kind of is. On many levels. At this point anyway- if I separate 'me' from 'anorexia' (which I have a hard time doing) it DOES look and feel like some kind of battle going on. But it's not a battle I am willing to surrender to. Life in itself isn't necessarily a FIGHT- yes, it's filled with all kinds of ups and downs and chaos and confusion, but it's not ALL a struggle. In the depths of an eating disorder/depression, I tend to lose sight of what is truly important and get caught up in the whirlwind of what goes on in my head. So yes, fighting anorexia is a fight in the true sense of the word, but it's a fight for something worthwhile. So the battle continues. Lots of fighting talk today!
Last night ended up being pretty rough. I've been doing better with the obsessional thinking/meal planning I had talked about a couple of weeks ago, but it was full-force last night. A combination of triggers, but I googled and found this which I found helpful:
Breakfast this morning:
Pumpkin, fromage frais, honey nut shredded wheat and peanut butter.
I love how runny the PB and Co. smooth peanut butter is- I don't imagine it working well as a sandwich filling, but it's perfect with cereal. For those of you who asked about fromage frais, it's pretty much identical to Greek yogurt in terms of taste and nutrition, but much runnier and half the price!
New snack alert!
This bar has been in my stash for ages- given that I hate both salty foods and crunchy foods, I was in NO rush to try it. I am so glad I did- this bar was AMAZING (so much so that I *may* have ordered a case to be delivered to where my mom is staying in NY next week to bring back for me...)
All in the spirit of branching out/trying new things, I made this:
Which somehow turned out like this:
Spot the difference! I have loved every Amy's meal that I have tried, but have yet to find a way to make them as pretty as they look on the packaging- my theory is that they purposely make them ugly so nobody tried to pass them off as homemade! Tasted great (and for anyone in the UK, these are 'buy one get one half price' in Holland and Barrett right now!)
Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!