Friday, 8 May 2009

Like Riding A Bike

I am kind of embarrassed about yesterday's post. I feel like I shouldn't be having these struggles anymore- that having made the commitment to recovery that these thoughts should just go away. That this should somehow be easier than it is. I feel like I am constantly fighting this stupid barrage of negative thoughts (which often seem perfectly rational) and giving myself pep-talks every waking hour. I guess it was a little unrealistic of me to expect things to miraculously change, but it's frustrating nonetheless to still be bombarded by anorexia's daggers.

Something that has been on my mind the past couple of days was something I read in the book I mentioned the other day. She talked about an event that occurred several years into recovery which she classed as a "defining moment". It wasn't a milestone in a 'recovery' sense, but it was a time when she suddenly realised that she was past the stage of anorexia.

This struck a chord with me because I see my moves to New York as something I hope will BE that "defining moment"- when I am able to think, "I've made it". To look back and realise that anorexia is no longer infiltrating my everyday life and I am living the normal life I have been striving for. What I've failed to grasp, until now, is that there is a process leading up to that defining moment. Things don't change by moving locations- yes, one day, I hope to move back to New York and will look back and see how far I have come in my journey, but I need to have more patience and tolerance for the steps between now and then.

I think it's kind of like riding a bike. You start with stabilisers- you wobble, you fall. You get back on and start pedaling again- sometimes you veer into hedges or don't brake in time. After a while, the stabilisers come off- again, you wobble and tumble and crash. It gets easier with practice and patience until you slowly pick up momentum, going faster and faster and then realise that you are DOING it. You are pedalling along, picking up speed, the wind blowing in your hair. You weave in and out of obstacles without any major upset. You are now a proficient rider and free to go wherever the path leads, knowing that you have the skills and expertise to manage the hills, the rocks, the sharp turns.

That's my deep thought for the day :P

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Some pictures? I think so!

Breakfast this morning featured an individual pack of a new cereal I was given:


With pumpkin, fage, cinnamon and peanut butter:


This was my first time trying peanut butter on cold cereal, and I LOVED it. I mixed it all up and every few bites would get a little peanut butter and cereal 'sandwich'. I might have to buy a bix box of this cereal- it was delicious with the pumpkin/peanut butter combination.

Today's lunch was inspired by the horrendous weather we are having- seriously, it's like winter here. I should not need a down-stuffed coat in MAY!


"Turkey and stuffing" flavoured quorn slices, laughing cow cheese, cranberry sauce, pumpkin and fresh spinach on a wholewheat roll. Perfect Thanksgiving 'summer' lunch.

Anyone got anything exciting planned for the weekend? I am planning to rest as much as possible and get rid of this cold in time for work on Monday! (and try to hunt down season 8 of Scrubs on DVD!)

11 comments:

Cacti Don't Cry said...

They're called "struggles" for a reason, I guess. I can't even count the times I got annoyed with myself for having a hard time with something... Come on, shouldn't you be so over this already?!It's so easy to think that changing locations is all it takes to chase a dream. I'm glad to see that you can realize that you need to make the changes before moving somewhere in order for things to be different.

I still don't get how your peanut butter can be so "runny," but hey, whatever works for you. ;)

And I'm wearing a down coat too!! RAWWWWR. Not happy!!!

emilydh211 said...

mmmm that sandwich looks sooo good. Sorry about the cold weather...that sucks. It is just rainy and icky here. Where did summer go?!

rediscoveringlauren said...

hi girlie,
i love the learning to ride a bike anaology...its so true. recovery is a constant battle, its not easy by any means..but it does get easier...we move past certain obstacles and onto new ones all the time. each time we face something new, the struggle feels hard...but thats why its so important to never give up...constant self-belief and re-trying everything is what we have to do. your making a lot of progress hun, so hang in there!

i LOVE shreddies! i used to eat the frosted ones ALL THE TIME when i was younger, like literally haha!

my weekend plans involve an exam..on a saturday..yes, my college is cruel haha!

have a great friday :)
xxx

itsawrapteacher said...

What a fabulous sandwich! Scrubs is already on Season 8?!! Tell me where you find it!

Syd said...

The food you post looks really good. I just posted on my weekend plans. Hope that you have a good one.

Rose 'n' Coffee said...

The weather's really crap isn't it. The sandwich looks amazing.

Lexi said...

No plans for me this weekend, but I hope yours turns out to be a great one!

I like your bike analogy. Definitely rings true with my recovery stages. I have fallen down, but with help I have gotten back up (more times than I would have liked, but hey, that's life). I hope that all of our "Defining Moments" come soon :)

Love,
Lexi

Katie said...

I don't think anyone other than you expects you to not be struggling with this stuff anymore :P and you wouldn't judge anyone else for posting something similar, would you? It is frustrating, but it WILL get better...it takes time to undo so many years of eating disorder brainwashing. Stupid eating disorder, rarr.
OH, I have something exciting planned for the weekend - I'm meeting up with Fi (EvilGenius) for the first time in a while on Sunday, yay :) I hope you are feeling better by monday, being ill is no fun.

Stef said...

Hey don't feel bad about your post yesterday! Everyone of us has ups and downs, and it'd be SO unrealistic to think that just because you've made the commitment to recovery that those thoughts and feelings will magically disappear. My new family therapist (just met her today!) kept repeating something that rang true with me: "knowing you shouldn't do something doesn't mean you'll be able to stop it" She talked about how this is true in basically any situation: recovery from addiction, eating disorders, abusive relationships, etc. RECOGNIZING what you want to change is the first step, but until you practice and stay patient while you work through the issues, "knowing" doesn't mean much at all! Just have faith that gradually you will find yourself having fewer and fewer of those tough days, and that your struggles will become less intense and less frequent!

jesslikesithot said...

Well, my weekend will consist of driving back home for summer and un-packing all of my dorm-room stuff!!!! It's going to be madness!

That thanksgiving lunch looks SO good, I really need to mix it up and try cranberry sauce with (fake) turkey sometime soon!

I love your analogy girl, it's so true that recovery is just like learning how to ride a bike....

curlytop said...

Ellie,

AMEN! If you want change make it happen!

Have a wonderful Saturday darlin!

With Love,

Emily