Friday, 1 May 2009

Finding Balance

First of all, I just want to say how relieved I am to not be alone in my inability to walk in high heels! I am already far shorter than my friends- so me, in my flats, with them towering above me in their skyscraper shoes makes me feel like a gnome! Though I don't need to worry about running for buses!

I feel like I have reached some kind of internal compromise this week between standing still and moving forward. I talk a lot about my plans to move to New York and the frustration around working towards that too slowly. Often I feel like the fear around making big changes in the long-term paralyses me, leaving me unable to make the small changes necessary to lay the foundations for bigger changes to take place.

Starting work this week has been great. I feel like I am doing something of purpose- both in terms of giving back/helping others, but also (selfishly) having something concrete on my resume and building up experience for when I do eventually move. I've had a lot of thoughts/guilt around not doing more, moving faster, etc, but for the most part this feels like a manageable and realistic plan, whilst all the while becoming stronger and working towards my bigger plans. It's really HARD for me to take things slowly- I have a tendency to either jump headfirst into things, or avoid the world altogether. This is a strange but pleasant balance and I feel good about it right now.

I've also noticed old feelings surfacing that I hadn't experienced since I was working full-time- the cutting back on sleep, disinterest in food/eating, feelings of panic about running out of time/too much to do/generally being overwhelmed. I am trying to pace myself and stay present- this is ONLY a few hours a week and is definitely not "too much". I

am aware, on a rational level, that this feeling or urgency/no time to sleep or eat is coming from an internal drive but it's a little unnerving to think about how I will cope with working 40+ hours a week when 2 mornings a week is proving harder than I thought. I guess that's why taking it slow for now and building up my hours in the future is a good plan.

I am still VERY excited about my trip to New York- October feels like a long time away but I think that the time is going to fly by now that my weeks have more structure. I'd like to set up some things to look forward to in the meantime though- what are you all looking forward to in the coming months?

Onto some food...

I kicked off the weekend with a delicious breakfast.

Chopped/microwaved apple topped with Fage and Bare Naked fruit and nut granola. I think I could pretty much live off this combination- it'

Lunch was another quorn "ham"/spinach/tomato chutney sandwich- this time with cheddar cheese instead of laughing cow. I promise I'll switch this up soon- you must be bored of the same old sandwiches each day!

I think I actually prefer the laughing cow for this sandwich, but a little oozy cheese will never go unappreciated in MY house again.

Later came this...

I have been saving these since my trip to NY in November...then suddenly realised that they need used before June.

Close-up of warm brownie healthy snack:

Today's theme apparently has been "melting". I am A-OK with that!

I have been eating a lot of bars recently after discovering quite how many I actually have in my apartment needing used up. I ate them daily for years, but more recently have been having all kinds of snacks and I think I definitely prefer non-bar snacks. These ARE convenient/portable, but I'd rather be having more variety than just bars all the time. What are some of your favourite snacks?


curlytop said...



They make a s'mores z bar? Must find now!!!! Where did you find it?

Have a wonderful saturday!

With Love,

Emily *who is now on a mission to find said bar*

Anonymous said...

Snacks...interestingly i've never been into bars. They all taste fake to me.

Portable snacks...I'm really big into cottage cheese and FAGE 2% yogurt. Whipped cc is awsome stuff, and you can throw in some cut up fruit for some sweetness and/or some nuts for crunchies. Other snacks I like...cut up cheese (lots of different types...cheddar, goat, vegetarian, etc), nuts, raw veggies/fruits, tempeh...

You can also make your own bars. I've seen recipes but have never made any myself.

Megan said...

AHHH I have never seen a s'mores z-bar before!! I loveeee the chocolate brownie one! How did you like the s'mores one??? And your brekkie looks SOO delish! I usually eat a bar for a snack too and since I'm on the go a lot, it's usually the easiest for me. But you could also try a piece of toast with nut butter, yogurt, fruit, trail mix? Have a great weekend!!

Sarah said...

My current favorite snack is the old apple and peanut butter-simple combo but sooo tasty, especially with all the fun PB & Co flavors! I've also really been enjoying frozen fruit lately-grapes and mango are SO yummy from the freezer! Hope your Saturday is going well!!

Anonymous said...

My current favourite snack is chopped apple and cashew butter with a crumbled gluten free ginger biscuit on top. It's like a weird version of apple crumble! I am also getting through an awful lot of avocadoes at the moment, usually with various nut butters or sometimes pumpkin seed butter.
As for what I'm looking forward to in the next few months - getting a car has to be the main thing! Living in the middle of nowhere is very good in the peacefulness stakes, but overrated when trying to build up your social life :P
I hope the rest of your weekend is good :) the weather down in the south is lovely at the moment, is Scotland getting any of it?

Anonymous said...

yummy sandwich

Anonymous said...

hi hun

I can completely relate to your fear of big changes leaving you feeling paralysed to even make small ones. what i found helped me was focusing on mini goals...instead of seeing the bigger picture, id focus on smaller goals which add up to make big changes. You are making progress, so be proud of yourself for that :)

i have a lot of bars for snacks too..i just cant get enough of them haha

have a wonderful saturday,

ElleMigliore said...

Sounds like you're doing better plus the picture posts are awesome!! That smores bar looks enticing!! and who doesnt love gooey cheese in sandwiches!

Portable snacks... hmm, if i can't have my Fage yogurt, i will usually make a cereal trail mix with a few different kinds, some raisins, and chocolate/carob chips.. I'm also obsessed with mushrooms and any type of dip (hummus, laughing cow, etc)

Hope the rest of your weekend is relaxing and enjoyable!

Cacti Don't Cry said...

It's hard for me to take things slowly, too... mainly because when I want something, I WANT IT NOW, DAMMIT!! ;p But it's probably a better idea to pace yourself.

I am (TENTATIVELY!!) looking forward to actually going on this vacation and hopefully finishing my certification. FINALLY.

As for the bars... I don't mind them, but I find that I am eating a lot of them because I'm always on the go and they're portable... but sometimes I wish I had the time to just sit down and enjoy a bowl of oatmeal or something as a snack instead -- something I can't just stick in my bag and take to work with me.

Speaking of bars, I stuck a chocolate mint Jocalat in the refrigerator on your say-so. You were right -- it did have a more "fun, crumbly texture"! :)

Stef said...

Smores Zbar?? YUM! I completely understand your worries about feeling overwhelmed by a part time job, but I think you're right: take it slow for now, and as you get mentally and physically stronger you'll be so much more ready to take on 40 hours/ week or whatever your future job requires! When you have the energy (from eating normally!) and the confidence, I'm sure it will be a lot less anxiety-provoking.