Thursday, 14 May 2009

Keep The Faith

Thank you so much for your support yesterday! I woke up today still feeling really down and decided I had 2 choices- I could hide away from the world and just sit under the 'cloud' or I could force myself to act "as if" and go about the things I had planned for the day. It was a tough call! I sat for 2 hours trying to come up with an excuse for not going to work, then realised that I *did* sit with my feelings yesterday. I got through the day, but didn't feel better this morning. So time for a different tactic: I put on a happy face (and a DRESS!) and went to work. Sunshine + being around 'normal' people + feeling productive/useful = much better mood. Result!

Onto today...

I've been thinking about what feels so different this attempt at recovery because I am certainly facing different challenges than I have encountered before. The big difference is that this time I am NOT trying to recovery because of some concrete goal I have in mind- every other time my primary motivation has been because I wanted to move back to New York. A great goal, but my recovery has always been based on something not entirely within my control and the problem with that is that if/when the external world gets shaky (as it often does- it's LIFE), my recovery falls apart. This time my motivation for recovery is different- I am recovering because I am sick of my eating disorder. That doesn't make it easier- in some ways, it's harder. I can't stick up photos of New York around my apartment, I can't picture anything solid in my head when I have urges to restrict... I have to just hold on to HOPE rather than something tangible like a clear image of the life I want. Because I don't KNOW what kind of life I want- I just know that anorexia isn't it.. I need to sit with the uncertainty, accept that anorexia has put blinkers on my vision and just cling to the belief that recovery has more to offer than anorexia does. Which I do truly believe, but I still sometimes think it would be easier to justify eating/being healthy if there was something more 'solid' to give that justification.

I guess I am taking a leap of faith. Hoping and believing that recovery has more to offer even if I don't know what that 'more' is, whilst knowing that anorexia is doing nothing more than making me trapped. I don't NEED answers right now. I want answers and conclusions and everything mapped out in a nice strategic plan- it doesn't work like that. All I can do is live the questions and find the answers along the way...



You know the drill- banana pumpkin oats with white chocolate peanut butter. This never gets old!

Lunch was one of my new wraps- which I managed it wrap without it falling apart! (Are you impressed Jaime? :P )

Curried chicken salad (with raisins + dried apricots) and spinach on Joseph's lavash flat bread. LOVED it- I am a little obsessed with wraps. I like stuff that is 'fun' to eat... textures, shapes, etc.

Snack was a mini chocolate chip Clif bar with white chocolate peanut butter.

These were to be used by May 8th- I know some of you said bars are good for a while after the 'used by' dates, but I am terrified of food poisoning so adhere pretty rigidly to dates on food. I have one more bar to be used ASAP! Do you stick to the dates on food? I usually just make sure I use things up or throw it away, but I hate wasting food and hadn't noticed the dates on these in time- this is living on the edge' for me!


Anonymous said...

"because i don't KNOW what kind of life i want." isn't this the scariest thing ever? i so WANT to know what my life purpose is. and i don't. i applaud your bravery and courage in facing that head-on.

Cacti Don't Cry said...

I hear you on it being harder not to have a somewhat tangible reason for recovery... the one time I actually did it, I had a solid goal in mind. But that's not a good idea because whatever the goal is might fall through, as you well know. It's definitely harder, but doing it for no other reason than because you deserve a better life than this makes it a lot more likely to "last."

I totally live on the edge when it comes to use-by dates!! Well, not with perishables like milk or whatnot, but if it's shelf-stable and seems okay, it's all fair game. :p Hasn't killed me yet, clearly!! (I wonder what that says about how much I value what I put in my body?!)

<3 <3

Lauryn said...

hi ellie!

so so so glad you were able to sit with your feelings and make the conscious choice to go to work and do what you have to do -- to LIVE your life, essentially! thats amazing, you should be as proud of yourself as i am!

i also love your love for pb, banana, and pumpkin oats -- i think thats my fav combo too!

im usually really weird about dates on food (always have been!) but i think you're fine for the may 8th bar! i would eat it!

have a good one! xox

Anonymous said...

Recovery for yourself - that's what you're going after. For your LIFE. It's harder, yes, but on the long run, it's so much more worth it. You've got your whole life ahead of you - not just some short-term goal that may come and pass eventually.

As for putting on the happy face - I'm a huge believer in "fake it til you make it." Really. It totally works.

Syd said...

You have the most interesting foods. I really like them. And good for you that you decided to act "as if". Sometimes we just fake it 'til we make it.

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

so proud of you...i really can do it this time i know it xxxxxxxxx

Stef said...

Yay! So glad you're feeling better today. Sometimes getting dressed is half the battle, I know that when I wallow in my depression and only wear sweatpants or baggy clothes I feel so much worse! Putting on a cute dress and a smile works wonders.

All your food looks yummy! I know what you mean about the expiration dates...I hate throwing away food but I'm terrified of getting sick from old food too! I honestly think that the "best by" dates on shelf-stable foods like bars, cereal, etc. is more about the TASTE and texture (so it won't be stale) than about it going bad and making you sick. One more day/month of a bar isn't going to magically sprout food-poisoning bacteria, but it might not be as yummy as a "fresher" bar.

Oh, and sorry I forgot to tell you what a bolani is!! I'm in love with them! I posted about them a few months back:

They're basically thin lavash bread filled with relatively healthy stuff like pumpkin, potato, lentil, or spinach. They're spiced up really nicely and are from the Farmer's Market (though they started selling them at local Whole Foods recently.)

COME VISIT me and you can try some :)

emilydh211 said...

Hey girl,

it sounds like you have been doing some hard core thinking and have come to alot of realizations about recovery, and I think that that is awesome. Just the fact that you can look at it objectively, see your mistakes from the past and learn from them and move on is great. You are amazing girl and I know you can do anything that you set your mind to!

Hope your week is going well <333

Sheena said...

hey sweets~

I am glad that you tried a different tactic and struck out to live your life rather than wallow. I also think recovery has to be for recovery's sake than for a person or a place. Now you are fighting for health, and not fighting for NY. Just keep fighting and I know you can do it.

Take Care!

Lexi said...

God, I loved this post! I am so proud of you for your realizations today. Your strength is just shining through. That's a great affirmation too - all we can do is live for today. Live in the moment. Do everything we can to enjoy the time we have on this earth.
Love you, stay strong,

Anonymous said...

I don't think anyone really knows what they want out of life. That's part of the purpose of figure it out along the way. To try different things, try different identities, and see what fits you best.

A big part of my recovery is defining my passions and interests. What I enjoy, what I don't enjoy, what turns my brain on and fascinates me. Its a process. A fun one. There are so many things out there waiting to be enjoyed.

Anonymous said...

girl, this post made me so happy. You're at the RIGHT set of mind for recovery want to recover to be RID of ED, not just for a temporary desire. I think you're already into a new chapter in your life!

Anonymous said...

hi girlie

wow, im SO proud of you! thats such an accomplishment to sit with your feelings and also to choose to have agood day, or at least to try :) such progress hun! and i think your motivation for recovery is wonderful! use it to help you when you feel lost to remind yourself that you want to get better to be happy again! not for some external reason.

i had to smile about the eating bars out of date thing...because i ALWAYS eat them when they are out of date...last week i found a bar that was out of date in december...yup i ate it haha! it still tasted perfectly fine too!
oh and we dont have waitrose here! and tesco dont seem to sell pb an co :( oh well

have a nice night hun,