Thursday, 7 May 2009

Throw In A Little Perspective and I'm Good To Go...

Firstly- a HUGE thank you for yesterday's comments. I am continuously amazed by how supportive the blogging community is. I am so glad that the group I started on Facebook has had such a great response! I've also sent out some emails to various mental health organisations who specifically deal with suicide prevention about how I can get involved. It feels a little hypocritical of me to want to give out advice/help to others, but on the other hand, I find it most helpful hearing from people who have 'been there' so maybe it's okay that I am not 100% recovered yet.

Onto today. I am still fighting off this cold- I hate being sick. I didn't go to work and have spent much of the last 2 days sitting on the sofa drinking cups of tea, ploughing through boxes of Kleenex. I usually do a fair amount of exercise and my activity level has plummeted yesterday and today. I *know* that the more I rest, the sooner I'll feel better and be able to get back to my usual routine with exercise and work, but it's frustrating nonetheless. I sat for an hour yesterday going back and forth in my head about whether to just have half of my planned snack since I hadn't moved around much. This is nuts. Whether I have half or the whole snack is NOT a big deal. This is just a few days in the grand scheme of a lifetime. Even if I am not exercising in the conventional sense of the word, my body clearly needs fuel to fight off this bug. My brain still needs fuel to think. My organs still need fuel to do their regular job, on top of whatever extra is required to heal from this cold.

I don't know why this feels like such a huge decision to be making. It was a damn Clif bar. I eat them all the time. It's JUST FOOD. It isn't an entire pizza buffet, it's not that I will never go for a walk again...it's a few days when I have to focus more on getting my physical health back rather than on being productive/active. In fact, I should probably use this cold as reinforcement for why i want my immune system to be as strong as possible. But where is the logic in anorexia?.. It's times like this when I really miss being in hospital- someone standing there taking that choice away from me, giving me 'permission' to eat. That's all I ever really WANTED- permission to look after myself because if it came from somebody else, I didn't need to feel guilty about it. I didn't need to decide whether I deserved it or was worthy of care- the choice was made for me. It's been the same with losing weight- I wait for someone else to step in and stop me, because to stop myself from hurtling down a path of self-destruction would imply that I CARE about myself. I starve/punish myself because I imagine that's what other people think I deserve. I want to start treating myself the way I *want* to be treated by others- with compassion and understanding.

I'm starting to see that I DO deserve to be nourished and healthy. I'm starting to realise that the voice telling me I don't need/deserve to eat is not really 'me'. I don't NEED a nurse or a doctor or a court order to force me to eat: I choose to give my body the nourishment it needs in order to thrive because I am starting to believe that there is a real life out there for me where I can be doing useful and meaningful things, living with purpose and enjoying the world as it is. I don't need to hide behind the walls of anorexia anymore. There's no glamour or glory in anorexia, and I am finally starting to see beyond the walls around me, and seeing the world in colours again...a world I want to be a part of, and WILL be a part of as long as I believe that it has a place for me.

I just need to remember a few things...
  • my body needs fuel to LIVE LIFE to the fullest whether I am hiking or sleeping- all require energy
  • a hundred calories here or there, in the grand scheme of things, makes very little difference: it takes quite a shift in either direction, over more than a few days to have any effect on weight
  • this is a good chance for me to test out if I CAN cut back on exercise and see that I don't need to do quite as much as I force myself to
  • I want to RECOVER, and that means recognising what is anorexia's voice and what is my own. I *know* I should eat the same amount because I'm still working up towards an adequate intake for my body right now and cutting back on exercise whilst I am sick is probably a good thing for me
  • the more I rest/eat properly, the sooner I'll be back to my usual routine
  • this is an opportunity to IGNORE anorexia's whispers and do what I know is the right thing to do, even if it does feel 'wrong'.... I know it's not *me* who thinks it's 'wrong'/bad. It's just a snack. How can 1 snack somehow make me a different person inside OR out? It's a BAR. Not some scary evil body-maiming beast. In fact, it looks pretty sweet and innocent...

...and it WAS delicious.

Rock on.

13 comments:

Cacti Don't Cry said...

Being sick sucksssssssss... I think I'd rather have something "diagnosable" like strep than a cold, because then you take medication for it and it goes away. Whereas with a cold, it just drags on... and on... and ON. I'm in the same boat, but I am positively determined that it will be GONE by the time I leave, because I can't dive with a cold. That is that.

As tempting as it is to ignore the logic you've laid out, everything you've said is true. You DO need the fuel, even if you're not moving around like a jackrabbit. I'm glad you were able to have your snack anyway -- "rock on" indeed. ;)

Telstaar said...

You know miss Ellie, it IS a battle for you to be thinking through all this stuff and it does suck... but just when I started to read yr blog a bit was when you were talking about the ambivalence of it all... so from my perspective, WAYYYYY over here, I think its pretty cool that you're fighting quite hard to have the WHOLE amount when the whole way yr brain has been working has been to "compensate" etc... so hun, keep on top of it, don't let it win, but pat yrself on the back for the gains you're already making :D.

Proud of you!

Lexi said...

I love this post! I hope you feel better dear <3
Love,
Lexi

Danielle said...

I'm just getting over being sick as well, it definitely sucks! I hope your feeling better!

burpandslurp said...

anorexia has NO logic. I can't even figure the crazy thoughts behind it at all. but it's a battle between our own disordered minds trying to control out own bodies according to what ED thinks instead of listening to our true body's voice. Good job going against the crazy ED logic, and knocking some good sense into yourself.
It does suck being sick, so sorry, honey, I hope you get well soon!

Nutritious is Delicious said...

Sorry about the sickness! No fun! :( Frozen Yogurt always makes me feel beetter...give it a try! lol

I think volunteering and helping others would be awesome!

Keep those positive thoughts flowing through your mind girl!

Katie said...

Rock on indeed :) I hope you feel better soon.

Syd said...

That bar looks great to me. Hope that you feel better soon. Being sick can get me down. Hang in there.

Stef said...

Give YOURSELF permission to eat! And if you can't, pretend I'm standing there and giving you that extra push ;)

I just joined the fb group, thanks for sending me the invite! I hope you feel better asap.

Rose 'n' Coffee said...

Great inspirational post. I'm starting a new blog, I hope you'll check mine out ever now and then.

Jaime said...

hope you feel better soon! LOVE the clif pumpkin spice bars :)

have a good day love

Thinspired said...

Hi Ellie. I have been reading your posts, sometimes I don't know exactly what to say, but I read them and am always sending you good recovery thoughts. I think the facebook group is a great idea. It's a powerful tool!
I hope your cold is better soon!

ohsoravenous said...

Proud of you for eating it (: I also struggle with restricting when I feel like I haven't exercised enough...but you are totally right. One day makes no difference at ALL...especially if you're sick, because your bod needs all the nourishment it can get!