Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Solid Ground

I woke up this morning at 5am like I do every other morning.
I turned on my laptop like I do every other morning.
I weighed myself like I do every other morning.

My weight had increased slightly from yesterday- I stood and looked at the number waiting for the usual feelings of anxiety and despair to flood over me. I watched the number flicker as the scales switched off. I waited. I breathed. I didn't care. It was a number. Nothing more, nothing less. I walked through to the kitchen, put on the kettle and lit a cigarette. I didn't think again about the scale or my weight- I drank my coffee and ate my breakfast. I did laundry and went for a walk- I spent a while in little gift shops looking for birthday cards. I came home and opened my mail- a letter that would usually trigger all kinds of anxiety was opened, read and placed on my coffee table to deal with later.

I made lunch.
I had a cup of tea.

I'm sitting here now and this all feels...bizarre. Foreign. Where did barrage of negative thoughts go? Where is the anxiety that usually fuels my exercise and daily rituals? Where did this feeling of calmness come from? I feel like I am standing on solid ground. Not in a manic frenzy of feeling like I can take on the world, but a sense of internal strength that I can handle this moment. I'm not thinking about this evening or tomorrow or next week. Each moment that comes my way can be dealt with. Maybe all this talk of acceptance has sunk in and I am finally embracing what 'is' rather than focusing on what was or what will be...

Breathing. Staying calm. Staying focused. Taking it as it comes.


Breakfast this morning was the return of an old favourite.

Cooked apple, bran berry muesli and fage.

Another new snack- these have been in my bar stash for almost a year and I had no interest in trying them. I tried the cookies 'n' cream flavour at the same time as buying these and they were disgusting...

...but these were really good. They definitely had that strange protein bar taste/texture (I love it, but just a heads-up if chalkiness isn't your 'thing'!)

Returning to Katies challenge, I picked up a yellow courgette/zuchinni to try.

Mini quorn sausage rolls (LOVE THESE!) with baked zuchinni 'fries' and steamed spinach + broccoli. The verdict? The zuchinni was awesome. It had a slightly sweeter taste than the green variety and I really liked it. I have only seen the yellow ones in one store, and they are far more expensive so I probably won't be eating them frequently, but it was a nice change and fun to try something a little different (and who doesn't love a splash of yellow on their plate? Sunshine food!)

Hope everybody is having a happy hump-day!


Lauryn said...

amazing ellie! you're right -- numbers only have as much control as we let them. i'm so happy for you, i hope you're feeling STRONG and powerful after such a success! xox

Anonymous said...

At the end of the day, weight is just a number.

By the way - I know how addicting it can be - but how helpful is it for you to weigh yourself every morning? Please don't be offended, but...I've learned that letting go of rituals such as that have given me a stronger sense of "normalcy," if you will.

ChocolateCoveredVegan said...

Yay! Zucchini fries! Thanks so much for the shout out, girl :)

Syd said...

Your food once again is amazing. Keep it up Ellie. You are doing great.

ElleMigliore said...

I have to admit that when I started reading your post this morning, i thought the part about the scale was going to lead into negative thoughts or anxiety. When I kept reading and saw how cool, calm and collected you were about it, I was inspired/motivated/relieved/proud and happy for you! Although I've never met you, I could just hear you narrating the intro to that post as if it was a movie! haha .. " I got up. I turned on the computer. I weighed myself. nothing." haha, awesome!

Hope you have a wonderful day and it's so great to hear that you are making such strides!!

Anonymous said...

Yay :) I'm really pleased that you had a good day, particularly with the added stresses. I bet it feels weird, but I hope it continues!
Yellow courgette - I am...yellow with envy :P (and have a terrible sense of humour, obviously!). Where did you get it? I love my green ones but they can be a bit bitter sometimes (peeling them first does improve that though).
Have a nice evening :)

Anonymous said...

Wow you made yellow courgette look very tasty and desirable. And those sausage rolls, I want one right now.

Cacti Don't Cry said...

Don't question it -- it's a good thing! ;)

Love yellow squash... but then again, I love squash altogether. :p

<3 <3

Jaime said...

amazing girl!!!! weight increases/decreases and changed EVERY DAY even EVERY HOUR-- so glad you didn't stress over this!!

and yay for the feeling of calmness you have been experiencing :) it must be sooo nice :)

you can sign up for the emails at enjoy!

Anonymous said...

so happy to read your first paragraph! i hope you can come back to this when you have not-so-strong days.

the protein bar looks good - i don't mind that protein-y flavour so much. and it looks so choclatey, what can i say ;)

i've never tried yellow squash - maybe if i ever notice it! those sausage rolls are so cute!

Anonymous said...

All I can say is BRAVO! You should be so incredibly proud of yourself at how you handled everything. That shows incredible improvement and so much potential for your future and where you are heading. Im so happy for you girl! Numbers SIMPLY are numbers and nothing more. I'm really thankful that numbers were never important to me but the fact that you were able to deal with your concern for numbers so smoothly and rationally deserves a big hug and an applaud! Have an amazing rest of the night because you absolutely deserve it!

ohh and thanks for the comment...your clif bar concoctions sound yummmy! ill have to give them a whirl soon. oh and in regards to work, i'm doing advertising for the summer to get my feet wet in the business world.

Anonymous said...

hi girlie
HELL YEAH for not caring about the numbers..this is amazing :) dont question it, just enjoy it! we CAN get rid of those negative thoughts, we need to just belive in our ability to do so and realize that there is so much more to life than numbers! thats such great progress :)

love the eats!

have a nice afternoon girlie

dietlexy said...

Wow! u eat very healthy food! so do I but yours is more interesting! Ive yet to come across a yellow courgette! I do love the green ones! I saw on Jamie Oliver the other day that he grows like yellow and brown carrots! who knew eh? well maybe u did haha! I think Ive already left you a comment about this aswell but I love quorn but Ive never seen the sausage rolls! do u get them in the uk!? I used to demolish real sausage rolls wen I wasnt vegetarian or health concious!
well done on today xx