Stay True To You

...easier said than done when you don't really know who you are.

Just when I thought I had nothing to say, I have the urge, once again, to spill my thoughts onto virtual paper.

I've been thinking more and more about the post I wrote a few days ago- how I want, so badly, to fit in. I feel like a complete misfit most of the time. I don't fit in with "normal" people, I don't fit in with "sick" people. I'm somewhere in between starting recovery and being solidly in recovery, and it's lonely as hell.

Part of this is prompted by the pictures I have been taking of my food. I really want to have a food blog one day, and I'm not sure why. For a LONG time, I've been reading some of the food blogs that have been around for a couple of years and I really look up to these people as role models for what a "non-eating disordered" person eats in a day. Perhaps morbid curiosity, perhaps malnutrition-induced food obsession, or perhaps I just have a genuine passion about food/nutrition/life. I don't know at this point.

This is not a food blog.

As much as that is what I *want* one day, I'm not there yet. And I'm not going to pretend to be. I don't WANT to be viewed forever as "the anorexic who eats". I used to have major struggled with self-harm- it's NOT a part of my life anymore. I don't think about it, I don't read about it, my ears don't prick up when it's mentioned/brought up. It's a complete non-issue for me. I don't think I'll ever be that with with food and eating because there is no way around food in everyday life, but also because I've always been interested in food/eating/nutrition/cooking. My family love to eat, my parents love to cook. There has been a strong emphasis on food for my entire life, and I'm okay with that. It's part of who I am. Anorexia ISN'T, and this blog is about my journey towards recovery. It won't turn into a food blog- when I am at the stage where I am doing well and have a healthy relationship with food, I'll start a new blog.

I look up to a lot of the bloggers as role models- rarely comment on their blogs, but love hearing about their attitudes to their meals and their lives, the ups and downs that EVERYONE has, whether they have some emotional issues or not. Life is life, with all it's ups and downs. I've started commenting more on these blogs because that's what I am striving for: balance, moderation, a level of self-acceptance that I am okay with, a way to juggle the trials and tribulations that the world brings.

I am SO grateful for the people who take the time to read my blog and comment- you guys are great and I can't tell you how much it means that you have read and commented about the journey I am on, and to those of you who are travelling alongside me.

I spoke a few days ago about how I was feeling like I am relying too much on "blogosphere" for some kind of...i don't know. Something it can't be, because it's not fair to any bloggers and it's not fair to me. My blog is about my journey from "sick" to "well" and I need to keep reminding myself that it's NOT about how many responses I get/how much feedback I get/who has or hasn't commented. This isn't about any of YOU GUYS, it's about my own head twisting things around and turning my sole source of uninterrupted (by ED) place to talk openly and I can't let anorexia take over this space too.

I have received a few hurtful comments over the last few weeks here and that's kind of what's prompted this. the entire focus of my blog has changed over the last few months- a GOOD thing because it was more a kind of "woe is me/life is crappy/pity party" before and now I am really spilling my thoughts into good ol' blogspot. But I can't let it change into something I don't want it to BE. I can write for an audience (hell, it's what my jobs have been) but my blog isn't work. My blog is the thoughts and feelings and events that shape MY life, and I need to keep it that way.

I am still going to post pictures- probably food, maybe some other stuff. I am still going to read the same blogs, comment on the same ones I have been. I just wanted to write *something* to remind MYSELF what the purpose of my blog is, and I hope you DO continue reading and commenting because this is a lonely road and I know I'm not the only one walking down it.

The Life I Want To Remember

I re-read yesterday's post this morning (thank you for your comments- I love checking my mail in the morning and seeing your responses!) and it got me thinking about the kind of life I *want* to remember.

I'm doing okay at the moment in terms of managing my eating disorder, slowly making progress, but kind of feeling like that's my full-time occupation right now. An investment in the future for SURE, but I don't buy into the train of thought that you are always in recovery/just one step away from a full-blown relapse.

Perhaps I am being naive and overly-optimistic, but I want MY life to have purpose and meaning. NOT on the scale of winning Nobel prizes (lol) but I do want to feel like am making a difference somewhere. Go to bed each night knowing that I have helped changed things for the better- more than just the satisfaction that anorexia gave me ("only ate xxx today") and more than I am doing now ("I resisted the urge to do yyy today").

Just general musings on having a life worth living.

I don't know what shape or form this is going to take. I've drifted from one job to another, from one class to another, trying to figure out where I belong, what I want to DO with my life. I think as long as I feel so aimless, relapses are far more likely because I honestly don't know where else to feel like I am achieving something, working towards something.

This leaves me in a difficult position- having written off anorexia as *ever* giving my life any substantial meaning...all that seems left is a huge blank canvas and I'm not sure what to paint on it.

So my question for all you beautiful people out there today, is: what gives YOUR life purpose and meaning?

Different Shades Of Grey

I have to admit that even the thought of writing this is making me feel more than a little uncomfortable. Good enough reason to write it, eh? Am just hoping I can articulate it adequately without stepping on anyone's toes.

I have recently noticed myself having conversations with people I don't know very well making me feel really uncomfortable. A common theme amongst conversations with people who don't know me or my history, seems to be weight and dieting. This doesn't sit well with me. I'm really not okay discussing diets or the weight they have lost- whether they need to or not, I don't really want to engage in the conversation. Similar story with friends I have met in hospital- I WANT to be a supportive friend, a good listener...but on the other hand, I don't want to hear about the latest admission to hospital, latest treatment contract, latest threat from doctors. It's not that I find it triggering right now- I find it (and am struggling to find the right word for this) boring.

I just feel like I have been there, struggled with that, it's not a current issue I am facing and I don't really want to be reminded of the times in my life when that has been the biggest issue going on. I feel really guilty for even thinking this way. I am well aware of the fact that friends have moved forwards with their recovery and cut off contact with me for this same reason, and how hurt and misunderstood *I* felt at the time. It hurts me to feel like I am doing the same thing to people now.

I'm finding myself deleting emails without responding, deleting facebook wall messages without even acknowledging that they were even there. I don't know if I am being selfish or sensible, but I can't bring myself to 1) engage in the discussion, or 2) let the person know that I'm not in a place right now where I am comfortable with this.

I am REALLY enjoying spending less time reading eating disorders message forums and more time reading recovery-orientated blogs. I think it's helping ME right now, but am wary of responding too much/getting too involved with the blogging community because I don't want to be "that girl" that is pulling everyone else down.

I don't know. I feel like I am moving into a different place recovery-wise, where I am drawn to the HEALTHY side of me, but am still very much connected to the sick part of me. Trapped in between and not really fitting in on either side (and not quite sure where I "go" in between...except continuing to plough forwards, of course!)

The LAST thing I want is for people to read this and think I am talking about THEM- I'm NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. Merely stepping back and observing that I am moving forward and it's a strange kind of "no one's land" I find myself in.

The Importance Of Belonging

I have decided, that no matter what, I need to make sure that I am *okay*. Not in a selfish "it's all about ME" way, but that despite the chaos and negativity going on around me at home/with my treatment, I am able to take care of myself. I am in the process of cutting off contact with certain people- they ones who mean well, but have too many of their own issues for me to be a part of their everyday lives.

Anorexia provides me with the security/predictability that my home life never has and it's only now that I am realising how important it is to have some kind of "family", whether they are blood-related or not. To be a part of a caring and nurturing environment is what I want (and need) if I am going to heal. Maybe I'll find it in friendship. Maybe religion. Maybe living in a small close-knit community. But *somewhere* there is a place where I will be unconditionally accepted.

It's okay to want this. It's okay to need this. It's okay to belong- to find my own niche in life where I am in the company of others walking the same path. I need to figure out who *I* am, beyond the identity that anorexia gives me, and then find a place to finally call "home".