I have to admit that even the thought of writing this is making me feel more than a little uncomfortable. Good enough reason to write it, eh? Am just hoping I can articulate it adequately without stepping on anyone's toes.
I have recently noticed myself having conversations with people I don't know very well making me feel really uncomfortable. A common theme amongst conversations with people who don't know me or my history, seems to be weight and dieting. This doesn't sit well with me. I'm really not okay discussing diets or the weight they have lost- whether they need to or not, I don't really want to engage in the conversation. Similar story with friends I have met in hospital- I WANT to be a supportive friend, a good listener...but on the other hand, I don't want to hear about the latest admission to hospital, latest treatment contract, latest threat from doctors. It's not that I find it triggering right now- I find it (and am struggling to find the right word for this) boring.
I just feel like I have been there, struggled with that, it's not a current issue I am facing and I don't really want to be reminded of the times in my life when that has been the biggest issue going on. I feel really guilty for even thinking this way. I am well aware of the fact that friends have moved forwards with their recovery and cut off contact with me for this same reason, and how hurt and misunderstood *I* felt at the time. It hurts me to feel like I am doing the same thing to people now.
I'm finding myself deleting emails without responding, deleting facebook wall messages without even acknowledging that they were even there. I don't know if I am being selfish or sensible, but I can't bring myself to 1) engage in the discussion, or 2) let the person know that I'm not in a place right now where I am comfortable with this.
I am REALLY enjoying spending less time reading eating disorders message forums and more time reading recovery-orientated blogs. I think it's helping ME right now, but am wary of responding too much/getting too involved with the blogging community because I don't want to be "that girl" that is pulling everyone else down.
I don't know. I feel like I am moving into a different place recovery-wise, where I am drawn to the HEALTHY side of me, but am still very much connected to the sick part of me. Trapped in between and not really fitting in on either side (and not quite sure where I "go" in between...except continuing to plough forwards, of course!)
The LAST thing I want is for people to read this and think I am talking about THEM- I'm NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. Merely stepping back and observing that I am moving forward and it's a strange kind of "no one's land" I find myself in.
eleven months old.
4 weeks ago