Friday, 6 February 2009

Different Shades Of Grey

I have to admit that even the thought of writing this is making me feel more than a little uncomfortable. Good enough reason to write it, eh? Am just hoping I can articulate it adequately without stepping on anyone's toes.

I have recently noticed myself having conversations with people I don't know very well making me feel really uncomfortable. A common theme amongst conversations with people who don't know me or my history, seems to be weight and dieting. This doesn't sit well with me. I'm really not okay discussing diets or the weight they have lost- whether they need to or not, I don't really want to engage in the conversation. Similar story with friends I have met in hospital- I WANT to be a supportive friend, a good listener...but on the other hand, I don't want to hear about the latest admission to hospital, latest treatment contract, latest threat from doctors. It's not that I find it triggering right now- I find it (and am struggling to find the right word for this) boring.

I just feel like I have been there, struggled with that, it's not a current issue I am facing and I don't really want to be reminded of the times in my life when that has been the biggest issue going on. I feel really guilty for even thinking this way. I am well aware of the fact that friends have moved forwards with their recovery and cut off contact with me for this same reason, and how hurt and misunderstood *I* felt at the time. It hurts me to feel like I am doing the same thing to people now.

I'm finding myself deleting emails without responding, deleting facebook wall messages without even acknowledging that they were even there. I don't know if I am being selfish or sensible, but I can't bring myself to 1) engage in the discussion, or 2) let the person know that I'm not in a place right now where I am comfortable with this.

I am REALLY enjoying spending less time reading eating disorders message forums and more time reading recovery-orientated blogs. I think it's helping ME right now, but am wary of responding too much/getting too involved with the blogging community because I don't want to be "that girl" that is pulling everyone else down.

I don't know. I feel like I am moving into a different place recovery-wise, where I am drawn to the HEALTHY side of me, but am still very much connected to the sick part of me. Trapped in between and not really fitting in on either side (and not quite sure where I "go" in between...except continuing to plough forwards, of course!)

The LAST thing I want is for people to read this and think I am talking about THEM- I'm NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. Merely stepping back and observing that I am moving forward and it's a strange kind of "no one's land" I find myself in.


kali said...

its normal babe. I AM SO EXCITED TO HEAR IT! it is a fucking hard thing to do and feels so heartless, but like i've said to you you reach a point where you have to step away in order to do it. fuck ellen... gotta hand it to yo you have balls and you rock!

please remember it is not a permanent thing - you can rebuild those links later down the line (as i have with you and others!) its a bitch because it is impossible until you reach this milestone to realise why someone doesn't want to speak to you and it is so so hard to explain that in order to recover, and realise it as an actuality, you have to dissasociate with the ed world and focus on associating with the non-ed road.

ellie remember its not permanent but will take as long as it takes.

i am so so proud of you ellie. fuck man i want to call you and come give you a huge congrats hug! keep on rocking girl...x

Danielle said...

Hey! Thanks for the sweet comment you left me I'm glad you left one because now I can read your blog!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honesty.

I think that it is common for anyone struggling with any type of disorder/addiction to disengage themselves from the problem. So this is completely normal. Do not feel bad about it at all.

I am glad that it is not triggering for you..that is a very important step in recovery. Great job on wanting to focus on being healthy. Continue to plough through to the HEALTHY side of you.