Sunday, 8 March 2009

Stay True To You

...easier said than done when you don't really know who you are.

Just when I thought I had nothing to say, I have the urge, once again, to spill my thoughts onto virtual paper.

I've been thinking more and more about the post I wrote a few days ago- how I want, so badly, to fit in. I feel like a complete misfit most of the time. I don't fit in with "normal" people, I don't fit in with "sick" people. I'm somewhere in between starting recovery and being solidly in recovery, and it's lonely as hell.

Part of this is prompted by the pictures I have been taking of my food. I really want to have a food blog one day, and I'm not sure why. For a LONG time, I've been reading some of the food blogs that have been around for a couple of years and I really look up to these people as role models for what a "non-eating disordered" person eats in a day. Perhaps morbid curiosity, perhaps malnutrition-induced food obsession, or perhaps I just have a genuine passion about food/nutrition/life. I don't know at this point.

This is not a food blog.

As much as that is what I *want* one day, I'm not there yet. And I'm not going to pretend to be. I don't WANT to be viewed forever as "the anorexic who eats". I used to have major struggled with self-harm- it's NOT a part of my life anymore. I don't think about it, I don't read about it, my ears don't prick up when it's mentioned/brought up. It's a complete non-issue for me. I don't think I'll ever be that with with food and eating because there is no way around food in everyday life, but also because I've always been interested in food/eating/nutrition/cooking. My family love to eat, my parents love to cook. There has been a strong emphasis on food for my entire life, and I'm okay with that. It's part of who I am. Anorexia ISN'T, and this blog is about my journey towards recovery. It won't turn into a food blog- when I am at the stage where I am doing well and have a healthy relationship with food, I'll start a new blog.

I look up to a lot of the bloggers as role models- rarely comment on their blogs, but love hearing about their attitudes to their meals and their lives, the ups and downs that EVERYONE has, whether they have some emotional issues or not. Life is life, with all it's ups and downs. I've started commenting more on these blogs because that's what I am striving for: balance, moderation, a level of self-acceptance that I am okay with, a way to juggle the trials and tribulations that the world brings.

I am SO grateful for the people who take the time to read my blog and comment- you guys are great and I can't tell you how much it means that you have read and commented about the journey I am on, and to those of you who are travelling alongside me.

I spoke a few days ago about how I was feeling like I am relying too much on "blogosphere" for some kind of...i don't know. Something it can't be, because it's not fair to any bloggers and it's not fair to me. My blog is about my journey from "sick" to "well" and I need to keep reminding myself that it's NOT about how many responses I get/how much feedback I get/who has or hasn't commented. This isn't about any of YOU GUYS, it's about my own head twisting things around and turning my sole source of uninterrupted (by ED) place to talk openly and I can't let anorexia take over this space too.

I have received a few hurtful comments over the last few weeks here and that's kind of what's prompted this. the entire focus of my blog has changed over the last few months- a GOOD thing because it was more a kind of "woe is me/life is crappy/pity party" before and now I am really spilling my thoughts into good ol' blogspot. But I can't let it change into something I don't want it to BE. I can write for an audience (hell, it's what my jobs have been) but my blog isn't work. My blog is the thoughts and feelings and events that shape MY life, and I need to keep it that way.

I am still going to post pictures- probably food, maybe some other stuff. I am still going to read the same blogs, comment on the same ones I have been. I just wanted to write *something* to remind MYSELF what the purpose of my blog is, and I hope you DO continue reading and commenting because this is a lonely road and I know I'm not the only one walking down it.

14 comments:

Sam said...

Ellie,
I love and appreciate your honesty.
I totally understand and can relate to your current thoughts and fears of the blogworld. Your blog needs to be for you...and if you want us to read and comment, we will.
It's not about the number of comments you get or how many people view your blog, its about helping you move forward in recovery!
Take care.

Stef said...

I want you to know that your post made me well up with tears (and I'm generally not a crier!) It's just that I can relate to almost every word in this post on a level that makes me feel like you jumped inside my head, took all of my thoughts and feelings and typed them out in an articulate way that I have been unable to! For the past few months I've been feeling like I don't fit in with normal or sick people, and that sort of limbo place is so lonely as you say! I share your passion for perusing other people's food blogs and I have for years but I'm uncertain as to WHY I love doing that so much! I think you nailed it when you said you don't think eating will be a complete non-issue for you, and that makes me sad sometimes. My hope is that we will be able to make peace with food and use our interests/anxieties in a productive healthy way. I can't believe that people have been writing you nasty comments...what types of things were they saying? Criticism about your eating disorder? I'm sorry if you've been feeling hurt by insensitive/rude people! Just know that you're NOT alone in your recovery! Thanks again for this post, it really helped me pinpoint how I've been feeling for a long time. <3

Danielle said...

Oh Ellie I just want to give you a big hug!
Write for yourself that's what's important!

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

as always a very touching post, keep it up...your road to recovery deserves your honesty xxxx

Hunger to Recover said...

i also could really relate to what you posted. i've kinda always felt like i never fit in.. even before ed recovery. i'm also questioning whether blogging my intake is a good thing for me. i used to self harm too, and now i wouldn't even consider doing it & have no interest in hearing or reading about it. i'm hoping that food kind of becomes the same way, but like you i've always been very interested in it and my family loves cooking and stuff like that.

i'm glad that you have recognized all of this about blogging & that you realize that this is for your recovery and not about comments / what other people think.

oh and about the oatbran!! i'm horrible at describing things, but i found a description of what it's like online! hhaha here it is--
"Oat bran cooks fairly quickly and has a really smooth, creamy consistency, similar to cream of wheat, but a bit “toothier.” Oat bran typically has about more fiber than oatmeal. Oat bran also contains more protein and slightly more fat."
it's pretty good stuff! i thought i wouldn't really like it before i tried it, but i dooo :)

kali said...

ellie,

havne't read your blog for a few days. i feel now like i've missed out. you are making such huge strides. there IS a gap between ill and well and yet there is a whole community of inspiration and support in a healthy way. im so glad other bloggers are providing this. you cannot explain recovery in words, they just dont come, but in writing it makes a hell of a lot more sense.
your letter to ed, i'd like to add `FUCK YOU ED ASSHOLE YOU SCREWED UP HER LIFE.. but hell, she IS a character now, she will inspire others and make them laugh and fuck she's funny. you suck bum lots of death wishes - sherbet'

(grins) stay true to YOU. as you write i see more and more of ellie, the ellie i remember who had that kick to her.
cant wait to see `YOU' babe.
i'd echo stef, i feel really emotional and welled up reading it. so proud of your achievements so far. keep going, you will enjoy more, laugh more, love more and before you know it??? BANG!!! the bitch is banished!!!

Anonymous said...

Why the need to differentiate between a "food blog" and a non-food blog... what does that term even mean? Well, I do know... there's this whole "ED recovery" food blog craze going on now, it's like the in thing to do, so it seems. But you were blogging long before that time and while it may be tempting to try to transform your blog to fit this current trend, I think you were doing a fine job otherwise. Try not to stress yourself out too much over this. Post food pics when you want, but don't drive yourself crazy wondering how they'll be received. You are right when you say you should be blogging for YOU, no one else.

I've been reading your blog for some time now, and I have noticed a shift in your thinking, all for the better. You are really trying to make positive changes which is something to be proud of. ;)

Lexi said...

I am so sorry to hear that you have had negative comments.

Thank you for being open and honest. I wish you the best everyday of your journey. And I really believe in you.

Lots of Love,
Lex

Kristina said...

I shyly blog and also shyly read other people's blogs. It's a bit strange because there is intimacy in sharing and in reading, and yet often there are these strangers with whom we share. I think there are many people out there/here who don't know where they fit in, whether it is in terms of recovery or in other ways in our lives. Finding truth and meaning, through whatever means, can help.

Jaime said...

hey girl.. wow what a post. i'm glad you were able to get this all out-- it seems like you hvae been thinking about this a lot! i think its def important to keep in mind that we do the blogs for our own reasons-- yet ultimately it is for us :) sorry about the hurtful comments-- that is just not cool! people will b people but you are stronger bc of it.

xoxox j

aussirish said...

hi hun,
i love the honesty you display on your blog. and its YOUR blog and you dont need to define it, it can just be a blog about you and you can post pics of food if you wnt or if you dont want to thats fine too, use it howveer you like girlie! like i see my blog as more of a recovery blog but post some food pics anyways, but never a full days worth which is fine and if ppl dont like it they can read someone elses blog ya know? so stay true to your feelings hun and blog about anything you like :) il always read!
xxxx

Lauryn said...

ellie, i SO know what you mean about not knowing which direction you want this blog to go in, and how you don't know where it "fits" in the whole blogosphere, but that's kind of the point! there's SO many out there that it's just impossible to pinpoint which ones are "good" or "right" -- what matters is that YOU are getting out what you need to get out, this is YOUR little corner of the web! and we'll love it and read it no matter how many food pics you have or not! i love your authenticity and positivity, i can see you grow with every post and it's an amazing thing!

Thinspired said...

Though the details are different, I have been feeling similar feelings lately with my blog and that is why I am choosing to take a break. Blogs can be wonderful but sometimes they can also be a crutch. I think I've come to depend too much on mine and others for various reasons.
It is wonderful that you see a future for your blog past recovery. It will be wonderful to see you and your blog evolve, but until then, hopefully it is still servingt its purpose for you :)
Glad you found the magazine, btw ;) xx

helensjourney said...

I too lost the direction of my blog. I wanted people to read it and love it and I'm so glad people do, but it is also for me, to record my ups and downs, and knowing I'm posting meals keeps me on the right track (most of the time)I started doing it more for other readers and for comments. I can see how easy it is to forget why you're blogging.