When All Is Said And Done

It hit me after writing yesterday's letter and reading your responses quite how much contempt I have for myself. I don't know if it's been festering beneath the surface for a while, or if this is a new feeling, but I am so full of rage towards myself right now. I feel like a parasite, a toxic pathetic excuse for a "human being". All evening yesterday and all day today, I keep replaying 'videos' in my mind of the last few years- the things I've done, the things I've said, the people I've hurt. I look back and take no pride in any accomplishments or achievements- I see failure after failure, loss after loss, screw-up after screw-up.

There is definitely something to be said for looking backwards and learning from past mistakes- there also comes a time when you need to stop dwelling on what's BEEN done, forgive yourself on some level, and move on. Punishing myself isn't getting me anywhere- if anything, it's adding fuel to the fire and adding to the list of 'reasons why I suck'. It's hard to know where to draw that line between tough love and self-compassion.

I am human. I've messed up. On a lot of levels. I've hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of harm and damage to myself and those around me. I can't go back and change things- I don't know if I'll ever let go completely of the regret for everything that's gone on over the last years. The time and money wasted, the people I have rejected, the pain I have inflicted. I don't think I will ever be completely at peace with myself knowing what I've done.

Forgiveness does not come easily to me. I store things away in the back of my mind, forgetting the events themselves and am left with feelings/urges that 'feel' like they come from out of nowhere, when the reality is they are my way of channeling the rage and self-hatred I have for myself.

How do you move beyond regret and start living for the present and the future? How do you forgive yourself for doing, what in your own eyes, is unforgiveable?

I NEED to figure this out- what I wrote yesterday still stands. Maybe my anger is not quite at myself and more at what my eating disorder has done, but I have to find a way to move past this and be more compassionate and caring towards myself. Dying of anorexia does not scare me- what scares me is the thought of living with anorexia for the next 10/20/30 years, repeating the same mistakes, stuck in the same cycles. As long as I dwell on what I can't go back and change, I'm never going to break free...

Conflict

I'd written a long post about how determined I was to recover- how I was tired of saying the same things, setting the same goals, etc and not really taking any steps to change the current status quo. As soon as I hit "publish", my mood crashed. I don't really know where I stand right now. Obviously, I am getting some sort of "pay off" from my eating disorder or it would be easier to give up...or would it? I don't know. I am insanely jealous of people that have recovered and are living "eating disorder free" lives. But on the other hand, I am almost equally jealous of people who remain unwell. I am so torn between the bigger goals I have in life, and the short-term "fixes" my eating disorder gives me. When I am depressed or anxious or upset about something- there is some instant gratification to be found in my eating disorder. Which leads to the bigger picture/goals becoming further out of sight leading to more need for that "quick fix"- it's a viscious cycle and I'm not sure how to break it.

This post was originally supposed to be some pledge to recovery...but it's not. I wrote a LONG post and sat staring at it for an hour, trying to adjust my thoughts to match what I genuinely felt when I wrote it.

I'm so conflicted right now.

More Than My Emotions

I slept for a total of about 4 hours last night so much of today has been spent in a kind of daze. I'm tired, but not "sleepy" tired- I feel flat, hopeless, sad. Those are my signals that I need rest and it's hard sometimes to see them as signs of being tired rather than taking them at face-value and thinking that I AM hopeless/depressed. I'm just tired. I need to keep reminding myself of that today and make sure I get a decent night's sleep (first day of work tomorrow!) and hold onto the knowledge that I WILL feel much better once I am refreshed.

My dad always says, "don't make any major decisions when you are tired or hungry"- I struggle with this and tend to leap into whatever my emotions lead me to, but not tonight. I'm tired and not going to make any rash or impulsive decisions. Nothing is so urgent it needs dealt with tonight- I declare Wednesday evenings "mid-week weekend"!

I did clean my entire apartment at 5am so at least something productive comes out of insomnia :P

And of course, today has involved food...

Since my pumpkin breakfast cookie was a disaster, I tried something different:


Quaker instant raisin, date and walnut oatmeal (I usually like plain oats with my own mix-ins, but this flavour is awesome- I swear it tastes like cookie dough once it's cooled!) topped with mashed banana and Fage. Delicious!

A new (to me) lunch:

Tofu marinaded in BBQ sauce (pan-fried due to oven situation!) with a little cheddar cheese on Arnold's sandwich thin. This was my first time cooking tofu and I loved it! (Though everything tastes good with melted cheese!)

I definitely have a tendency to over-stuff my sandwiches! When I was in New York, I was amazed by how much filling they cram in between two slices of bread. In the UK, a turkey sandwich generally consists of bread, butter, 2 thin slices of turkey and a leaf of limp lettuce. I prefer my NY style sandwiches!

Snack:

I'm not generally a fan of Luna bars- the texture throws me a bit because it's more light/crispy than my usual favourites (Clif, Pureprotein). This flavour tastes like a rice crispie treat though so matches well with the texture.

I just want to say how much strength and motivation I am taking from reading everyone's blogs. I don't always comment, but it's been so helpful to me to read about everyone's journeys with all their ups and downs, share in the peaks and troughs of recovery/life (I read a lot of non-ED blogs). The blogging community has become such a huge part of my life and although this sounds really cheesy, I just wanted to say thank-you!

Pssst...check out the awesome Holey Donut giveaway !