The Fine Line Between Love and hate

For as long as I can remember, I've had this intense fear that something horrible will happen to my mom. I have memories of sitting in the back of the car when I was 3/4, making symmetrical patterns with my fingertips to calm myself down, believing that if I made perfect patterns, I'd somehow be protecting her from harm. I wasn't brought up in a religious household, but I went to sleep every night pleading with 'God' to keep my mom safe. I should point out that I've never had justification for this fear and I have no idea where it comes from.

Over the last few years, our relationship has changed. I still very much have the same fears about something happening to her, but my reaction is different- I distance myself, pick fights over stupid things, keep myself away from her. I guess on some level I think that the more time we spend apart, the easier it will be to bear the brunt if something DOES happen to her.

Saturday's are now the day we seem to get together- we meet for coffee early in the morning before she goes to shul. This morning I set off to meet her- as much as I love my mom, it's REALLY hard for me to be around her. Something just switches in my head and I become irritable, whiny, needy. She called me half an hour before we were to meet to ask me what the weather was like. Coming from anyone else, this would not have been a big deal. Her phone call, as do most of hers, made me feel like ripping my skin off. I was suddenly agitated, angry and just wanted to turn around and go home. I slammed my cellphone shut and kept walking and met my mom as planned. It was 'okay'. I put on my fake smile, pretended to have a good time and silently counted down the minutes until she would have to leave to go to shul.

I feel horrible for this. I LOVE my mom. I have a lot of respect for her as a person and am so grateful for everything that she has done for me over the years and everything that she has put up with. I can't even imagine the pain she has gone through watching me do the things I have done over the years...but on some level, I hate her. I can't explain why because I don't KNOW. Something about being around her triggers all kinds of wild and crazy emotions. Anxiety, anger, rage, fear. I don't know where it comes from or why it is so hard to be with her and at the same time, be away from her. I manage my eating disorder far better when we have distance- physical distance. But she is the first person I reach out to when things are hard because she 'gets' it. We think the same way and react the same way to a lot of situations- I'm wondering if part of the intensity of my feelings when I am with her is to do with the fact that I see so much of myself reflected in her. I can't help but feel jealous of people who do fun things with their families, because mine evoke such strong emotions in me and our time spent together is fraught with tension. Oh, to live with The Brady Bunch :P

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Breakfast this morning, at the lovely hour of 5am. Yay insomnia!

Oats mixed with vanilla extract and fromage frais, with blueberries and almonds. Need to sort out my sleep pattern ASAP! I don't know why I am suddenly having so much trouble falling/staying sleep these days.

Lunch:

Quorn "ham", laughing cow cheese, spinach and tomato chutney on seeded wholewheat bread.

New snack!

First time trying this flavour, and I LOVED it! This and the Peanut Butter Cookie larabar are my top 2. I've only ever had cashew nuts in stir-fries before and forgot how much I loved them.

Question of the day: How often do you talk to/see your parents? I talk to my mom several times a day (!) and my dad maybe once every couple of months. He lives abroad so most of our communication is via email.

Rules Are Made To Be Broken

I don't feel like saying much tonight but wanted to post *something*. I don't know- I guess I feel more connected to people through blogging. It's been a very mixed day. I didn't sleep last night so am completely wiped out, and it's so much harder to feel hopeful and optimistic when you have no energy whatsoever (another reason why restricting makes life that much more of a struggle!).

The other thing is that I've had the house to myself for the last two weeks. I have a lot of difficulties with rituals and obsessions which I am WORKING on, but it's still a huge problem. It's much easier for me to relax and ease up on the "rules" I have when I don't feel so suffocated. My mom got home from her vacation today which is hard for me in itself, given our relationship, but so much harder with all my "weirdness".

I'm also wondering if the anxiety around being with her is contributing to me not wanting to say much tonight/the old feelings of just wanting to disappear. Looking back, my regular (and much more recovery orientated!) posting coincided with her leaving.

It's weird because I find it really hard to be by myself. I am by nature, an anxious person who is also very sociable and LOVES the company of others. Yet it's so difficult for me to actually *be* with people due to all the rituals/rules I have ("must be finished dinner by 6:30 to drink coffee"/"must eat lunch at exactly 12:30 so have to be home then"/"can't eat snack anywhere else but kitchen so must be home by 3"). Kind of makes socialising difficult since literally every hour of the day there is some kind of thing I feel compelled to do, and I do this stuff alone. When I do make plans with people, I need plenty of notice in advance so I have time to plan around it/get my head around "shuffling" my timings of things around.

Oy vey. Considering I didn't want to write much, this has turned into a rather lengthy entry!

Anyone found a way to get beyond the rituals and rules? I feel like I work really hard to break one, without realising that I have actually just replaced it...and so the cycle goes. I have "broken" hundreds of them, but am still really trapped because I break it by switching it!

On another note, I found this website on someone's blog earlier (can't remember who- sorry!) and it's great for a laugh: CHECK IT OUT

A Few Words To My Mother (vent)

I'm definitely recognising a pattern in my mood fluctuations. Daytime is generally better. Weekends are hard, and evenings are often unbearable. I am linking this to a few things- evenings, I am definitely tired. That's a big on. I don't recognise "low energy", but I feel the pain and despair growing as darkness falls. Another factor is that my mom is home in the evenings and on weekends.

I mentioned before about certain people causing obstacles in my recovery, and the need to break off contact. For now, I am living with my mom so there is very little I can do. I am SO grateful to have a roof over my head, but I'm starting to wish I had taken the offer of going down the "psych unit --> homeless hostel" route instead. I can't relax around her. I feel like I need to be constantly proving myself. Proving that I am not useless, not worthless, not destined to live my life in institutions. I find myself applying for jobs, flat-hunting, making phone calls, etc, PURELY to avoid the barrage of insults and accusations. Honestly? I'm scared of her. I'm scared of her judgements, her verbal assaults, her screaming and yelling. I'm spending money I don't have to buy food for both of us to avoid *that* issue being thrown in my face. I refuse to turn lights or heating on to avoid *that* issue. I clean up after she goes to work and again once she has gone to bed to avoid *that* issue. I'm constantly on edge around her which just adds fuel to the fire. We sit down for dinner (I cook) and it feels like "X-Factor". Me, rattling off the list of oh-so-productive things I have done that day. Yet it's never enough. It's not enough for ME and it's most definitely not enough for her. Why didn't I go to a pottery class? Why didn't I go to the library? Why didn't I join a club/write a novel/win a Nobel prize/climb Mount Everest?

Why? Well, dear mother...let me tell you something. I am struggling right now to keep my head above water. I am painfully AWARE of the fact that I DON'T have a degree, I DON'T have an active social life and I DON'T work in some high-flying well-paying job. I do not need reminded, time and time again, that I am too old to be living with my mother/need to get structure into my days/need to get a life. I can't do it all at once. If what I am doing right now is stopping me from overdosing again, then that's enough. If what I am doing right now is improving my physical state so I CAN start enjoying things again, then yes...that's a priority. I'm sorry if this doesn't sit well with you. It was hardly my life plan either m'dear. BUT, I am moving forward. I am taking steps. I have an interview tomorrow for part-time volunteer work. I have broken out of my "oatmeal for dinner" routine. I am reading the news again. I am in touch with my friends. I'm SORRY I can't just be *fixed* purely because YOU are frustrated with the situation. Trust me... I feel my own frustration with this all.