Variations On A Theme

Thank you SO much for your feedback on yesterday's post- it was really interesting to hear everyone's opinions on where my thoughts were yesterday.

I think what I was really trying to convey is that I am trying to shift my focus from constantly thinking about how 'disordered' some of my behaviours are, and just accept where I am right now in the hope that acceptance itself brings about change (rather than forcing it). It's not that different to what I have been working on in therapy the past few months, but accepting where I AM rather than constantly striving to be 'somewhere else' is a huge challenge for me. The trouble with acceptance for me is that it does often lead to complacency- my eating disorder gets ignored for the most part, my behaviours slip, anorexia seeps more and more into my daily routine and without me really noticing, I suddenly find myself back in dangerous territory.

Finding a middle ground between accepting and change is new to me- being such a black/white thinker, I find it really difficult to manage more than one thing at once: I can focus on changing my behaviours, or I can focus on accepting them. There needs to be some of both- the behaviours ARE present right now and I know better than just to brush them aside and ignore them. I also know that wishing they were just absent from my life doesn't necessarily make them disappear. Being aware of what I am doing whilst keeping the bigger picture in mind is what I am aiming for- a half-way point between fighting the small battles (laughing cow cheese or regular? 2% or fat free?) and winning the ultimate war (recovery/life/becoming ME).

I reread yesterday's post this morning with a slightly different mindset and disagreed with quite a few things I said. Yes, I am tired of feeling like life is a 'fight'- but really? It kind of is. On many levels. At this point anyway- if I separate 'me' from 'anorexia' (which I have a hard time doing) it DOES look and feel like some kind of battle going on. But it's not a battle I am willing to surrender to. Life in itself isn't necessarily a FIGHT- yes, it's filled with all kinds of ups and downs and chaos and confusion, but it's not ALL a struggle. In the depths of an eating disorder/depression, I tend to lose sight of what is truly important and get caught up in the whirlwind of what goes on in my head. So yes, fighting anorexia is a fight in the true sense of the word, but it's a fight for something worthwhile. So the battle continues. Lots of fighting talk today!

Last night ended up being pretty rough. I've been doing better with the obsessional thinking/meal planning I had talked about a couple of weeks ago, but it was full-force last night. A combination of triggers, but I googled and found this which I found helpful:

"Don’t try to control everything. If you have a tendency to obsess, chances are fairly good that you’re also a perfectionist. Realize that going over something again and again in your mind will not magically produce the ‘right’ answer."

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Onto some more fun stuff...

Breakfast this morning:

Pumpkin, fromage frais, honey nut shredded wheat and peanut butter.

I love how runny the PB and Co. smooth peanut butter is- I don't imagine it working well as a sandwich filling, but it's perfect with cereal. For those of you who asked about fromage frais, it's pretty much identical to Greek yogurt in terms of taste and nutrition, but much runnier and half the price!

New snack alert!


This bar has been in my stash for ages- given that I hate both salty foods and crunchy foods, I was in NO rush to try it. I am so glad I did- this bar was AMAZING (so much so that I *may* have ordered a case to be delivered to where my mom is staying in NY next week to bring back for me...)

Pretzel/PB chips...mmm...

All in the spirit of branching out/trying new things, I made this:


Which somehow turned out like this:


Spot the difference! I have loved every Amy's meal that I have tried, but have yet to find a way to make them as pretty as they look on the packaging- my theory is that they purposely make them ugly so nobody tried to pass them off as homemade! Tasted great (and for anyone in the UK, these are 'buy one get one half price' in Holland and Barrett right now!)

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!

Who To Trust?

I'm glad so many of you liked the 'A - Z Of Happiness' I posted yesterday- I came across a little 12-step book filled with quotes and cartoons, and wanted to share it.

Second of all, my internet issues are ongoing which means that blogging/commenting is limited. I am trying to keep up with you all, but I can't look at picture heavy posts right now and commenting is causing problems. It was due to be fixed on Friday, but they got my address wrong so had to cancel the whole thing, start all over with a new order and are now coming next week. Crazy- I don't know why they couldn't just change the address! I've got some pictures for you guys though so will try to fit in a library trip this week. Thank you for continuing to read/offer support through all of this!

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The topic of yesterday's therapy was about how preoccupied I am with food/numbers right now. She thought it might be anxiety related, another theory being that these thoughts have taken over the "head space" the depression was taking up. I am definitely far less depressed since the obsessional thinking has become such an issue which makes it hard to think about making much effort to stop it- I don't know what is worse!

We talked a lot about mindfulness and how this might help right now. Not obsessing and panicking about what I am going to eat for dinner next Tuesday- but staying in the present moment and taking each minute as it comes. Obviously not practical to do ALL the time (some planning is necessary!), but definitely worth remembering when my thoughts are going a hundred miles an hour about a snack or meal days/weeks away! She said that she often recommends to patients that they sit down one day and plan the week's meals, buy the ingredients then just follow their plan. I try to do this but end up either 1) making my plan in a "good" frame of mind then freaking out when it comes to eating it, or 2) making my plan in an ED'd frame of mind then realising mid-week that it's not what I should/want to be doing.

What works for you guys? Do you plan meals in advance? If so, how far?

Part of the difficulty I have in taking a relaxed approach to what I am eating is that I read so much information about nutrition that it's like fireworks in my brain when it comes to actually selecting food. I question a thousand times what the ingredients are, what effect they will have, every study I have read/heard about. I compare my intake to other people and wonder if my body has different needs, or what is true in a scientific sense and what is just my personal interpretation of the information I've read.

She also weighed me, which she hasn't done for a really long time. I didn't actually mind for once, but admittedly that's because I knew my weight had dropped since she last checked. I struggle with this a lot- she pointed out that I spend so much time constructing a "perfect" meal plan but if it really was "perfect", my body wouldn't be suffering the way it is right now. I can't get my head around the concept of weight loss. As crazy as this might sound, I don't believe in weight loss. In other people, YES, but not for me. My eating disorder has always been more about a fear of gaining weight rather than a desperate drive to lose weight- obviously I err on the side of caution and get caught in a weight loss spiral. But when it comes down to it, I see weight as capable of only two things: gaining or maintaining. By that logic, if I am not gaining, I am maintaining. No?.. This makes perfect sense to me so it was weird for her to talk about a weight loss I don't believe in. I did tell her this- it's only very recently that I've stopped worrying about how I'll be perceived in therapy and just say what I am thinking without fear of being judged/labelled. I tell it like it is now (or at least, how it is in MY head!). She wants me to really start questioning the beliefs I hold. I guess now that I am getting them all out in the open I am at least learning that they don't always match up to other people's- which means they may not be entirely accurate. Not that I think other people are always 100% spot-on, but I am starting to pay more attention to how the things I cling to in my brain actually fit into the real world.

I guess with any kind of eating disorder, perception is kind of skewy with certain things- NOT helped by the fact that I spend so much time by myself. I easily lose perspective on what is considered "normal"- I know that "normal" doesn't really exist and everybody is different, but I also know that the more time I spend in my head, 1) the crazier my own thoughts get and 2) the more distant I become from others because I am so far removed from how they function.

We also discussed how I find it hard to see any real purpose in not only changing/increasing my diet, but just life on the whole. Yes, my sessions can get pretty philosophical at times! She thought that life is just there to be lived- to be enjoyed, to find things you take pleasure from. I don't do nearly enough of that and currently my days have no real purpose (which no doubt fuels my depression/emotional state). She did point out that if I want to take photos of my food, that gives eating some purpose outside of my own body/health- my meals need to be picture worthy! I've told her about the blog and how much it is helping me to write/read other people's. It's NOT going to become a food blog at this point, but I do find that I put a different kind of effort and energy into my meals if I am planning on posting pictures. There is no way I would want to post anything that would represent a restrictive/repetitive/overtly disordered diet, or something overly repetitive. She thought having blog-worthy food, whether I choose so post it or not, was a good goal.

Onto goals!..

• go ahead with voluntary work application (to be with other people and have some kind of focus)
• ongoing meal plan issues (I don't see a dietitian so my meal plan is self-devised: I told her of my plan to change things gradually over the next couple of weeks and she is okay with that)
• be more aware of when I slip into "emotional mind" and work on mindfulness skills (DBT stuff from days gone by...)

Pendulum Swings and Limbo

First of all, I want to say how much I appreciate your comments and kind thoughts on yesterday's post. I have been reading through them today sporadically, and it's been such a comfort to me to feel less alone with this.

Today has been a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, from one extreme to the other. I know there is no "right" way to feel right now, but I am swamped with guilt around some of the thoughts I have been having right now.

One minute I am thinking, "I wish it was me". A horrible thing to admit to- I am NOT suicidal, but I guess there is a big part of me that just wants a way out of this. I don't want to say it's the "easy way out" because I don't think anyone, my amazing friend included, would take such a decision so lightly and without thought, but having it brought 'home' somehow makes it seem like... I don't know. Not an "option" per se, but a little less of "one of those things you read about in newspapers".

Then there is this other part of me that is SO grateful to not be in that place right now. I'm stuck and I'm struggling, but I'm looking for answers, solutions, ways forward, rather than embracing the dark shadows around me. I am grateful that I didn't succeed in my last suicide attempt, grateful that I *have* what I have- ie, a chance to make things better. I don't know how or when or what that will look like, but as long as I am alive and relatively well, I have more than a fighting chance of making a life for myself.

The moments of wishing it was me are fleeting but disturbing. More disturbing due to the sheer contrast between the other thoughts about using this to really throw myself headfirst into recovery and leave this behind. Using it as fuel to fight the fire that anorexia burns, using it as momentum to swing things around and start embracing life in all it's (albeit hideous at times) glory.

Torn between darkness and light, torn between wanting to stand up and say, "Enough- I am reclaiming my LIFE" and lying down just thinking about all the people this disease claims as it's own, and wondering why I should even entertain the notion that my future won't be the same.

It's scary to think about the statistics of eating disorders- the percentage that die, the percentage that struggle for the rest of their lives. It doesn't make a pretty picture to look at the charts and tables, the graphs and results, the data, the evidence, the research studies.

But you know what? F*** it. These studies only look at small pieces of evidence. YES, eating disorders kill. Either directly as a result of the behaviour, or more subtly by eroding the soul until suicide seems like the only viable option. And I don't believe it's just a choice of recovery/sickness. I really think people make the best choice they have, based on the options they see in front of them.

So what do I see?

I see a blank canvas. I have dreams of living back in New York one day. As soon as possible. It will always be where I call "home" and it's heartbreaking for me to not be there- but it's one of my main motivations for recovery and I'm not going to get dragged down by the fact that I am NOT there, because that blocks me from taking the steps to get there.

What else do I want?

I want freedom from my rituals and obsessions. I want to be spontaneous- to grab dinner somewhere just because I am hungry and need to eat on my way to do something. I want to have friends I can meet for brunch, go to comedy clubs with, go to bookstores with, wander around and take goofy photos with. I want to go to people's houses for dinner, take day trips to the beach. I want a regular-houred office job that I LIKE (or at least, not hate), but that doesn't define who *I* am. No more "Devil Wears Prada" scenarios, but something I feel good about doing, something that interests me, something that pays enough to not have to work 16 hour days and still barely cover my rent. I want to discover what it means to me to be close to someone, to share my time and thoughts with someone who is interested in me as more than a client/patient. Someone who makes me laugh but can take me seriously when I need them to. Someone who likes falling asleep at night watching "Scrubs" and looks forward to a big cup of hazelnut coffee in the morning. I want to go on bike rides on Sunday mornings, visit farmers markets, go to swing parks and night and rock back and forth looking at the stars. I want to go camping and fall over in muddy puddles, walk in the rain and gather round a campfire at night drinking hot chocolate.

I want so much more than what anorexia will ever give me, but ultimately it comes down to this: do I want all of that more than I want to be thin?

Yes. The problem I have is believing that by giving up the body/weight control, I'll have a chance at creating the life I want. It's NOT possible to have it both ways. To "not have the cake and not eat it either" :P There is this horrible limbo period at the start of recovery, when it feels as though you are giving up the "good" parts of the eating disorder, but yet to reap any of the benefits of recovery. They come later. Much later.

How do I hold onto the bigger dreams I have for my life, whilst living through the limbo?..

Rules Are Made To Be Broken

I don't feel like saying much tonight but wanted to post *something*. I don't know- I guess I feel more connected to people through blogging. It's been a very mixed day. I didn't sleep last night so am completely wiped out, and it's so much harder to feel hopeful and optimistic when you have no energy whatsoever (another reason why restricting makes life that much more of a struggle!).

The other thing is that I've had the house to myself for the last two weeks. I have a lot of difficulties with rituals and obsessions which I am WORKING on, but it's still a huge problem. It's much easier for me to relax and ease up on the "rules" I have when I don't feel so suffocated. My mom got home from her vacation today which is hard for me in itself, given our relationship, but so much harder with all my "weirdness".

I'm also wondering if the anxiety around being with her is contributing to me not wanting to say much tonight/the old feelings of just wanting to disappear. Looking back, my regular (and much more recovery orientated!) posting coincided with her leaving.

It's weird because I find it really hard to be by myself. I am by nature, an anxious person who is also very sociable and LOVES the company of others. Yet it's so difficult for me to actually *be* with people due to all the rituals/rules I have ("must be finished dinner by 6:30 to drink coffee"/"must eat lunch at exactly 12:30 so have to be home then"/"can't eat snack anywhere else but kitchen so must be home by 3"). Kind of makes socialising difficult since literally every hour of the day there is some kind of thing I feel compelled to do, and I do this stuff alone. When I do make plans with people, I need plenty of notice in advance so I have time to plan around it/get my head around "shuffling" my timings of things around.

Oy vey. Considering I didn't want to write much, this has turned into a rather lengthy entry!

Anyone found a way to get beyond the rituals and rules? I feel like I work really hard to break one, without realising that I have actually just replaced it...and so the cycle goes. I have "broken" hundreds of them, but am still really trapped because I break it by switching it!

On another note, I found this website on someone's blog earlier (can't remember who- sorry!) and it's great for a laugh: CHECK IT OUT