Monday, 16 February 2009

Rules Are Made To Be Broken

I don't feel like saying much tonight but wanted to post *something*. I don't know- I guess I feel more connected to people through blogging. It's been a very mixed day. I didn't sleep last night so am completely wiped out, and it's so much harder to feel hopeful and optimistic when you have no energy whatsoever (another reason why restricting makes life that much more of a struggle!).

The other thing is that I've had the house to myself for the last two weeks. I have a lot of difficulties with rituals and obsessions which I am WORKING on, but it's still a huge problem. It's much easier for me to relax and ease up on the "rules" I have when I don't feel so suffocated. My mom got home from her vacation today which is hard for me in itself, given our relationship, but so much harder with all my "weirdness".

I'm also wondering if the anxiety around being with her is contributing to me not wanting to say much tonight/the old feelings of just wanting to disappear. Looking back, my regular (and much more recovery orientated!) posting coincided with her leaving.

It's weird because I find it really hard to be by myself. I am by nature, an anxious person who is also very sociable and LOVES the company of others. Yet it's so difficult for me to actually *be* with people due to all the rituals/rules I have ("must be finished dinner by 6:30 to drink coffee"/"must eat lunch at exactly 12:30 so have to be home then"/"can't eat snack anywhere else but kitchen so must be home by 3"). Kind of makes socialising difficult since literally every hour of the day there is some kind of thing I feel compelled to do, and I do this stuff alone. When I do make plans with people, I need plenty of notice in advance so I have time to plan around it/get my head around "shuffling" my timings of things around.

Oy vey. Considering I didn't want to write much, this has turned into a rather lengthy entry!

Anyone found a way to get beyond the rituals and rules? I feel like I work really hard to break one, without realising that I have actually just replaced it...and so the cycle goes. I have "broken" hundreds of them, but am still really trapped because I break it by switching it!

On another note, I found this website on someone's blog earlier (can't remember who- sorry!) and it's great for a laugh: CHECK IT OUT


Danielle said...

Although I don't have an ED I do have OCD it used to be terrible when I was in high school so I relate to having rituals, it took a lot of work to stop them from controling my life, but they are still always there.

Anonymous said...

I feel terrible admitting that I love having a house to myself. Or I guess it is my ED loves being alone and having the house to myself. So I can focus on the "rules" and do my own thing.
I do not live with my mom, but being around her also give me so much anxiety. I feel like she is constantly judging me and I hate it. I can't even look her in the eye.I can completely relate to the whole needing advance time when planning something. The ED does not like uncertainity.
But, you just have to keep doing it. The only way to change behaviors is to that...actually change them.
You do not want to disappear. As hard as it may seem, try to embrace the world. Take life by the reins and hold's a bumpy ride.
Take care girlie. Keep the faith.

Lauryn said...

i feel you on the rules -- i HATE them yet i feel like i have to have them! try breaking one, and slowly but surely you'll start breaking others. and the world will not come crashing down, i promise! i think the first step is the hardest, but you can do it! keep going, we're hear for you!

Sarah said...

You have taken the first big step towards breaking your rules-you are aware of them and are acknowledging that you are following them. That's huge! Habits are so hard to break, but as long as you continue to be honest with yourself and slowly challenge your rituals, you will overcome them! It's a difficult fight; I am still struggling with my "rules" too, even though the logical part of me can see how ridiculous they are and all of the things that they prevent me from doing...but we are strong, and we can do fight it!

You will not always feel this way, and you have already made such great progress, just keep on moving forward!

Here's one of my favorite quotes:
"I will be gentle with myself when I get stuck."

Remember to push yourself to break those unhealthy rules, but also forgive yourself when it doesn't happen right away. Recovery takes time, and you WILL get passed these rough patches, but in the meantime, be good to yourself!