Thank you for all the comments and feedback on yesterday's post. I was hesitant to post the reason behind my hospital admission- partly because of sheer embarrassment (me? psychotic?) but also because I feel like such a hypocrite at times, talking about recovery, doling out advice and yet not actively making any significant changes in my own behaviour. I also didn't want to come across as dramatic or be construed as trying some "shock tactic"- but again, I continue to be amazed by how supportive and accepting the blogging community is.
I guess the biggest lesson I've learned over the last week is that as long as you live on the edge, you run the risk of tipping over into dangerous territory. Whether it's something physical or something psychological, as long as one foot stays firmly planted in "eating disorder land", a huge risk is being taken. And it doesn't always have a happy ending.
I don't remember ever feeling as scared as I did last Friday. Nothing was making sense in my brain, nothing looked or felt the same. I was terrified of my thoughts- though didn't even recognise them as MY thoughts. I don't remember the details but having talked at length with the team I am working with, I was definitely unrecognisable as the "ellie" my friends and family know.
As far as behaviours go, I've kind of brushed the diet pill thing under the carpet. They aren't hardcore illegal stimulants and I don't even take half the recommended dose. I've been telling myself it's no big deal. Obviously, it is. Not only because of the effects they are having on my emotional state, but because of what they represent.
Anorexia as my early morning wake-up call. Anorexia boosting my energy levels through the morning. Anorexia making her presence KNOWN. The fear of letting go because I don't know if I am strong enough to face life without some form of crutch, and despite ALL the ups and downs I've had in recovery, there has always been shreds of anorexia spattered across my day-to-day life. I can justify doing certain things for recovery and I can justify giving certain things up. But some things I can't seem to get my head around because it seems like too big a commitment to health/recovery. This is NOT to say that I don't WANT recovery 100%- I want it more than anything. But my fear is that I'll recover 90%- be behaviour free, weight restored, technically "healthy", but the severely depressed/self-destructive/dysfunctional person I seem to become once I "appear" normal will be all that is left. Just without any real justification for getting help/support without something visible wrong. I am terrified that self-harming/overdosing could be a potential coping strategy again. Not because I have those urges, but because I associate those behaviours with times when my eating disorder has been nothing more than a blip on my radar. I guess the two are very connected and expressing/dealing with the same thoughts and feelings, but somehow anorexia feels much safer. Until something like last week's events occur, or some physical crisis.
I feel so unbelievably torn right now. Sitting on the fence and I really can't afford to DO that right now- the fear of staying where I am and yet the fear of embracing change and letting go of anorexic behaviours is heart wrenching. I need to make some sort of commitment- the obvious choice would be recovery. But it's really not that straightforward. It's not as simple as gaining Xlbs, throwing away diet pills, doing my affirmations. I don't even know the way forward right now- REALLY forward, not merely switching directions.
This has been a really long post, and I still can't post pictures thanks to my lame internet connection (it's costing me about $2 per email/blog comment, hence why I have been quieter today!) I'm looking into other options for connections!
BUT, I do have a rather burning question for you lovely people out there ;) Sam and I did an exchange- she sent me the most amazing package, GRANOLA (!!!) and white chocolate macadamia nut Clif bars (so excited to try these) as well as some long-desired flat-out wraps. I have bought some curried chicken salad tomorrow and I need to know: which way do I roll the wrap? Long-ways or side-ways?
a year & a half old.
3 months ago