Monday, 16 March 2009

Talked The Talk...Put On Your Walking Shoes!

I reread earlier's post and realised that I have been saying the same exact thing since starting my blog. That I WANT recovery, "but"... and there is always a BUT. I don't know why there is so much ambivalence. Tonight, stepping back, it's clear: recovery does NOT guarantee happiness, health, a stable job, a safe and comfortable place to live, Independence, a social life. But anorexia DOES guarantee that none of that will be possible (I know some of you manage to juggle school/work/life on some level, etc- it doesn't work for me). I guess that recovery is just one huge leap of faith, and holding onto the fact that anorexia leads down a road to nowhere, but recovery at least opens up the doors to new things.

I don't want to be writing this same post in 6 months/ a year/5 years. I don't want to be living in supported housing, reliant on a treatment team to tell me what I can and can't do. I don't want to be obsessing over the size of my apples when I turn 27 later this year. I want to go for it. Having weighed up the pros and cons for what seems like forever, having tried (and failed) to juggle an eating disorder with the "normal" life I crave, having tried time after time to RECOVER without doing XYZ. I make a big song and dance when I do challenge myself or step out of my comfort zone- because it's damn hard for me to do it. But at the same time, I do it once and don't do it again. I don't sustain any changes I make because I have these ideas that "eh, done it once, don't need to do it again" so fall into my old patterns.

I'm hunting through my stuff to find my old meal plans, my treatment hand outs, looking into volunteering a few days a week since I can't work at the moment (and seriously, sitting around with no structure to the day EVERY day is enough to pull anyone down into depression).

I need to change and I know it. I need to buckle down and start MAKING these changes instead of talking about them, thinking about them, analysing them.

Nike-style: Just Do It

Aaaand... I have pictures. cause I know you like them :P

Breakfast is my favourite time of the day, and every time I eat this combination, I wonder why I even bother with other breakfasts (oh yeah- pumpkin is in limited supply! Doh!)

  • pumpkin
  • oats
  • banana
  • milk
  • vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
  • 1/2 tbsp peanut butter
Food of kings I tell you, food of KINGS!

Second favourite breakfast:

  • apple (microwaved)
  • bare naked fruit and nut granola (love it!)
  • fage

And what's that? Non-food pics?..

I pretty much live in jeans and sweatshirts. My mom got me this at the weekend!

And my all-time favourite t-shirt. Ignore the wrinkles- it's been crumpled in a drawer all winter!

Let's see if it ever actually gets warm enough to wear a t-shirt in Edinburgh...


Anonymous said...

"recovery does NOT guarantee happiness, health, a stable job, a safe and comfortable place to live, Independence, a social life. But anorexia DOES guarantee that none of that will be possible"
What an amazing statement. You have a great attitude towards recovery.

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

i am the same, i do one change and fall back into old habits..
Lets walk the walk..there is so much out there for us, and hey, anything has to be better than this...lets trust ourselves xxx

Jaime said...

hey girl! i think you are so right in this post-- sometimes you just got to say F IT and JUST DO IT!!! love your attitude :)

your eats look marv as well :)

ego in absentia said...

This comment made me smile so BIG!!!!!! Yay YOU! Go for it. So proud of you for realizing all of this and making the mental of adjustment. BIG realization and step! *smiling ear to ear for you* xoxo terri

Anonymous said...

You took the words right out of my mouth.
I feel like I am so much talk, and no walk.
And it just seems like the only way is to "Just do it." Thanks Nike.
We can do it! You can do it. Keep on walking!

Pammy said...

"JUST DO IT" My therapist says this to me all the time. Sometimes recovery gets so difficult you just have to make some goals and stick to them. Im loving this new attitude. Stay strong girl

Lauryn said...

ellie, you seriously never cease to amaze and inspire me -- i finish reading your blog feeling reenergized every time! i know how hard it is to just bite the bullet and DO IT, but i am holding out for it being so rewarding in the long run. i know you know this too! THANK YOU for such an amazing post!!!

Stef said...

Haha that shirt is so cute! I think you're right about there always being a "but clause" to the "I want recovery" statement. You can do this!

Anonymous said...

It's quite embarrassing to keep repeating how much I relate to your posts, sorry :P but I do. I can't juggle the eating disorder and a normal life either, probably because at some point I always go overboard and end up in a crisis. Anyway, that's not much of a life long term - you might be basically functional, but you'd never be happy, and what's the point of being alive if all you do is work, study and (not) eat?
There's a lot to be said for the whole 'feel the fear and do it anyway' thing. My last therapist told me that when I was about to do something challenging, I should say to myself that yes, I am scared - and I am still going to do it. Not 'but' I will still do it, and. For some reason I found it quite calming.
I hope you've managed to hang on to this today and that things are going well :)

ElleMigliore said...

Once again, you speak for many! I absolutely agree with the no guaruntee of stable job or happiness with recovery.. just as long as we do remember what is guarunteed if we do commit ourselves to the ed. I also feel the same about trying something once to conquer an ed fear but then not going back to try it again.. it's like "ok, i did it, now i can go back to my normal routine of restricting"..

I know you can walk the walk!! I'm right there with you!

aussirish said...

"just do it"-love it girlie :) keep fighting, remember change requires action!! great brakfasts, they look so tasty!
have a great day hun

Anonymous said...

OMG where did you get that T-shirt?? I NEED one, seriously. When i am drunk i always say 'it's all good in the hood', and my friends say that they always know when i am drunk when i start saying that haha, so yeah i need that shift for comedic value ;). I am guessing it is from somewhere i won't be able to get it though or you got it ages ago gah.

Other than that, love youuuu. Will reply to your pm soon promise xxx

Anonymous said...

Oh and my housemate has that same hoody ;)...going to pick myself some of that granola up to try too xxx