Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Sounds Of Silence

Today has been a very strange day. Not because anything particularly out of the ordinary has happened, quite the opposite- today has been a typical weekday for me. Strange because I am feeling lazy. Not 'lazy' as in an "I can't be bothered to do anything" way, but as in an "I can't be bothered to think about this right now" way.

Every time my usual anxieties and worries have barged into my brain, they have been met with an almost reflex reaction of, "I'm not GOING there today". Thoughts about food, weight, worrying about stuff that I don't actually NEED to worry about right now have been flying at me in their usual fashion, but I have had no desire to even consider them. The things that would usually irritate me or stress me out, I have shoved violently aside. "I don't have the energy for this crap right now".

I don't know if I am tired, or if something in my brain has actually shifted, or if this is too good to be true, but it's been so peaceful. A silent stillness that feels more serene than the creepy stillness that feels more like the "calm before the storm". It's WEIRD, but it's nice.

I don't know why I am posting this. I'm not really saying anything- merely observing silence and that's not much to blog about. But maybe that's okay. Life isn't always filled with drama and laughter or crisis after crisis. Nor is it composed of victory after victory, trophies and awards piling up, mountains being conquered, Nobel prizes being won. Sometimes it's just the mundane business of doing what needs done, going through motions with not much thought/feeling behind it. Just getting on with this living business that people rate so highly (lol)- I guess as long as there are peaks and troughs in between the periods of quiet, it all balances out into some hodge-podge picture of "normality"?..
"This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that “letting yourself go” could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes... There is, in the end, the letting go."
- Marya Hornbacher


dancelikenooneiswatching said...

so glad you are embracing the silence...it is a truly beautiful thing...go with it...i cant wait for that day! xxx

Anonymous said...

Ooh, this made me happy to read :) I hope you can continue to enjoy iy without overthinking it!

kali said...

i've met a lot of people who have experienced that. i did, id left hosp and was on the way to getting myself back in there. one morning i just couldn't be arsed. turned out to be the best day of my life but i couldn't tell you what day, week or month or year it was, i remember it vividly though. the following day i felt shit, did my usual, as per the day after, then i couldn't be arsed again. gradually the silence comes back and that peace IS recovery. recovery is not about being bmi 18.7 with a job, career, 2:4 kids and a dog and a great house. its not about stuff and i think people get lost in that a lot.
its about a state of mind and that silence when good things, or nothing, or random non ed thoughts, or just you, can happen.

remember this day hun, you cannot change the past. just remember this one day x

Sheena said...

I love reading your post -- they are so insightful even when you don't have a lot to say and you are not experiencing drama.

silence is great, and it sounds wonderful to be able to push off thoughts and worries without embracing each worry as if it's a matter of life or death (I tend to do that).

I hope the silence last and stays with you.

Take Care!

Lexi said...

I'm so glad you feel peaceful today, that's awesome :)
Much love,

Pammy said...

I love that Marya quote and I can totally relate to it. The silence takes some getting used to but try to embrace it and one day it will feel a lot more natural. Im glad today has been peaceful.

Much love

Cacti Don't Cry said...

I love days like that -- when I'm missing that niggling feeling of "Wait a minute -- I'm not feeling miserable so something must be wrong." It's great to just BE. I'm glad you're embracing it! :)

Anonymous said...

Embrace the silence Ellie, allow yourself and mind to be peaceful.

Elle said...

I would give anything for that silence right now. I'm so glad that you found it today - and I'm glad that you decided to "blog about feeling nothing" to share it with us. I guess the phrase "silence is golden" sums up dealing with an eating disorder in nutshell. I've never read Wasted, but that passage is really powerful. I know you'll have more and more peaceful days to come.

Jaime said...

hey ! wow i loved this post-- it really made me think about how most of life-- is just life-- yes its full of ups and downs but we are not always either up or down!
ps love that quote-- who is that woman and where did you get it?! xoxo

Jaime said...

oo i just googled her! she wrote the book wasted! i'll have to red it ! tahnks girl

Stef said...

Have you heard the song "Sober" by Pink? I can't help but relate one part of it to your post about silence...I think a huge part of recovery is about learning how to deal with and ENJOY silence

aussirish said...

hi hun
im so glad you hear silence instead of ed thoughts...its good to hear your enjoying and embracing it! its what recoverys all about...silencing that voice and not hearing it anymore!
have a great day