I'm trying to break things down and figure out why my mood has plummeted the last couple of days. I don't know if it's been triggered by the upheaval from the endoscopy and disruption in routine, or if last week's episode has really hit me hard that things aren't going as well as I like to believe, but I honestly don't know. I've been reading old posts and trying to figure out what went wrong and where, but I think I am just over-analyzing and not really getting anywhere.
I think if you look at something long enough and hard enough, you start to notice flaws. Whether it's in a belief system that you once thought foolproof, or a relationship: if you LOOK for faults, you are pretty much guaranteed to find them. Nothing is perfect.
As a self-confessed perfectionist, that's not an easy pill to swallow. I want things to match up, to look pretty, to make nice sparkly patterns. I want sunshine and rainbows, and life doesn't WORK like that. It CAN'T work like that, because...it's life. And nothing can or ever will be perfect.
Maybe it's time to reassess what I am looking for, the outline I want my life to form, rather than the precise details I conjure up in me head which will never be a reality.
Then I can start piling up my imperfect blocks to shape some sort of meaningful existence, and not worry so much if it isn't the ideal existence I hoped to live.
What do you want to be doing 5 years from now?
Going backwards scares me. Standing still scares me (and bores me). Which leaves just one direction to go: forward. One way or another. Without a map- finding my OWN way, following my OWN path. One that is realistic for ELLIE- the "ellie" that I am still creating... Making it up as I go along, embracing uncertainty, dancing alongside the trivial and mundane parts of life, while relishing the wonderful parts and holding onto whatever strength I have through the crappy parts.
Because a life with no 'downs' would have no 'ups'.
a year & a half old.
3 months ago