Saturday, 28 March 2009

C'est la Vie

I'm trying to break things down and figure out why my mood has plummeted the last couple of days. I don't know if it's been triggered by the upheaval from the endoscopy and disruption in routine, or if last week's episode has really hit me hard that things aren't going as well as I like to believe, but I honestly don't know. I've been reading old posts and trying to figure out what went wrong and where, but I think I am just over-analyzing and not really getting anywhere.

I think if you look at something long enough and hard enough, you start to notice flaws. Whether it's in a belief system that you once thought foolproof, or a relationship: if you LOOK for faults, you are pretty much guaranteed to find them. Nothing is perfect.

As a self-confessed perfectionist, that's not an easy pill to swallow. I want things to match up, to look pretty, to make nice sparkly patterns. I want sunshine and rainbows, and life doesn't WORK like that. It CAN'T work like that,'s life. And nothing can or ever will be perfect.

Maybe it's time to reassess what I am looking for, the outline I want my life to form, rather than the precise details I conjure up in me head which will never be a reality.

Then I can start piling up my imperfect blocks to shape some sort of meaningful existence, and not worry so much if it isn't the ideal existence I hoped to live.

What do you want to be doing 5 years from now?

Going backwards scares me. Standing still scares me (and bores me). Which leaves just one direction to go: forward. One way or another. Without a map- finding my OWN way, following my OWN path. One that is realistic for ELLIE- the "ellie" that I am still creating... Making it up as I go along, embracing uncertainty, dancing alongside the trivial and mundane parts of life, while relishing the wonderful parts and holding onto whatever strength I have through the crappy parts.

Because a life with no 'downs' would have no 'ups'.


Lexi said...

I love this post. You are so right in saying there would be no ups without the downs. It's the downs that teach us most, really. I know it may be hard to sort out "what went wrong and why, but everything happens for a reason, I truly believe that. I don't know what your beliefs are about this idea, but once you overcome your struggles, life will be better for you. You will know so much about who you are and what you want. You will be so strong.
Love always,

Elle said...

I can relate to the perfectionism and wanting everything to match up neatly - and it's maddening when it doesn't. I think it's good that you're examining what you went through in the past week and are trying to find something concrete or tangible that "went awry," but I'm learning more and more that there's no "neat" answer. There's nothing wrong with asking yourself "why" - but don't feel like you have to come to an immediate conclusion...sometimes things take a while to unfold...and coming to a profound realization all at once could be a bit overwhelming.

I agree with what you said about the ups and the downs - I'd rather feel SOMETHING than continue to go through life in a haze. I think you are truly coming to develop a sense of who you are, and becoming more comfortable with some of life's unknowns. Stay strong.

Much love,

Stef said...

I was feeling very down on myself for not making much progress lately and even feeling MORE depressed than I had been. My dietitian gave me this speech on Friday about how in ED recovery there is no such thing as going backwards; it's not a linear journey but you are constantly progressing, even if it is just side to side! She threw in a lot of hand gestures to prove her point and at first I wanted to write her off as being too peppy and optimistic about it but then I came around. You're SO RIGHT about a life without downs never having any ups. This is a great post.

Anonymous said...

I think that we are the only people that expects ourselves to be perfect. But life isn't perfect, and you are right, it is full of ups and downs.
Ellie is a work in progress and that it okay. It seems like you are really taking the time and self-reflecting, figuring out what you really want out of life.
Five years from now, I would like to have gotten my masters, have a child, and most importantly not have ED thoughts consuming my life.
And I truly believe that it is possible for all of us. It won't be a perfect ride by any means, but I know that it can happen. We've just have to keep fighting.
I am so glad you enjoyed the Flat Outs. I wish I had sent you more!

Danielle said...

Another great post!
You are a great writer Ellie.
In 5 years I hope to be happy and healthy, and I hope to live somewhere warmer, I hate the winters!

Syd said...

Ellie, I'm just content to live in this day. It has a lot to offer. I'm not thinking about 5 years to the future. Who knows what that will bring? If I look too far ahead, I lose sight of all that I have in this day. Carpe diem.

Sheena said...

Hey sweets!
I can completely relate. I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist, and even though I know not everything can be perfect I cannot let go of this idea. But I love how you say without the downs there would be no ups. It's so true. And I just need to remember and remind myself of that constantly to get myself through.

Take Care!