Wednesday, 25 March 2009


= endoscopy day!

I mentioned previously about how self-harm has become a complete "non-issue" for me. I don't think about it, talk about it and definitely don't consider it. Quite the opposite. It's left me with a literal phobia of pain in any way, shape or form What most people might describe as a "minor headache" is unbearable for me. I will call my mom up crying if I stub my toe- it's really bizarre coming from someone with my history. I am also noticing a similar thing with food- I have ZERO tolerance for being hungry or thirsty. I am actually terrified of it. I don't know if it's because I am scared I'll not be able to stop eating when I DO get food, or if it's the memories and associations it stirs up, but it's so freaking uncomfortable for me to NEED something I can't have at that moment. Has anyone else noticed that through recovery they completely lose the ability to tolerate hunger? The word "hangry" has become a regular part of my vocabulary! It's rare that I recognise hunger signals- I think that might be part of the problem. That by the time I DO notice that my body wants food I do feel absolutely horrible, so then I associate hunger with waiting/not eating until suchandsuchatime/not able to focus until I DO eat/horrible physical feelings so I guess it's understandable that I hate it.

Suffice to say, today wasn't my idea of fun. I had to completely fast for 12 hours before the procedure which meant skipping breakfast (throwing my whole day's schedule off- more on that later) and by 11am I was really getting unnecessarily agitated. I didn't actually feel hungry by that point, but I was so scared that it would hit me suddenly and uncontrollably. Then the endoscopy itself. I was due to be sedated but my blood pressure was too low- they gave me a tiny dose to relax me then carried out the whole thing with me fully conscious of what was happening. I don't know if he is used to doing this on knocked-out patients, or is just REALLY rough, but good lord I was in agony. Well, MY idea of agony :P All went smoothly though and I was sent home under strict instructions to avoid operating heavy machinery and signing legal documents for 24 hours. So no house buying/getting married until tomorrow night at least. Haha :)

Enough of my whining. The sedation didn't kick in for the procedure but am pretty wiped out this afternoon. So YAY for having internet access/being able to blog, but BOO to wanting to just go to bed!

I do, as promised, have some pictures...

In anticipation of long wait after endoscopy, I came prepared with snacks galore! Then grabbed more food from the hospital cafe whilst waiting for my appointment.

First time trying a Clif Nectar bar- it was AWESOME! I was sent one in a bar exchange and have been wary of it, but it was delicious. Another thing to add to my list of "must-buys" when I am in the US next! The sandwich (cheese, pickled onion chutney, celery, apple and lettuce) is made by "Cranks". They were I think one of the first vegetarian restaurants in the UK- now closed, but their cookbooks are great. This was a "Ploughmans" sandwich- it's a Brit thing, yo! Usually it's cheese, pickle (chutney/relish-style, not like a cucumber pickle), salad and occasionally meat. Designed for farmers coming in for lunch straight off their ploughs!

Another bar I have had lying around for ages, wary of trying. It looked like something I would LOVE, but had a horrible texture. Hard to describe, but very VERY chewy, though not in a Clif-bar-good-chewy way. Just like shoe leather! I like their British ones better (vanilla coconut...mmm). I wouldn't eat this again, but it did it's job for today and helping me to make up for my missed breakfast!

Dinner tonight, since 1) it's different from my usual and 2) I am at my mom's so have use of an oven that works and doesn't look like it's about to grow legs and start walking around...

Vegetable kiev- kidney beans, petite pois, mushrooms and some other veg stuffed with some kind of cream cheese filling and coated in breadcrumbs. Not homemade, though I DID put it on a baking tray myself. Impressive, no? This is a photo I took of the box. They never look as pretty once they are cooked/plated up!

And some more pictures from the last few days...

Hospital menu which they so thoughtfully filled out for me...

I don't eat red meat so traded the roast beef for cigarettes (lol- the joys of psychiatric units) and waited for my mom to visit...

...bringing a Starbucks low-fat muffin. No vitatops in this country, but these are really good! And something else my mom stuffed into the bag of clothes she brought in:

Thought of you veggiegirl! (I did a whole photo shoot and took about 25 pictures of this because I was so bored!)

Essential reading material:

Just for clarification since a couple people have asked, I want to explain a little more about why I was in hospital. Basically it was a brief psychotic episode which they originally THOUGHT was just anxiety, but are now convinced it is due to the diet pills I have been taking. I never thought diet pills could DO that, but apparently they can. I have been taking these for almost 2 years and only take half a dose- quite easily manage if I miss a few days and not quite sure why I have continued taking them. I guess it felt like some kind of...I don't know. Something I wasn't quite ready to let go of yet. I'm working hard on this now though since I cannot afford for another episode like this to happen! So please, if you DO take OTC diet aids and suffer from anxiety anyway, don't assume you are "getting away with it". I'm not going to preach about dangers or why you should stop, but just know that there are things going on in your body that you can't always see.


Lexi said...

Thank you so much for sharing why you were in the hospital. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that this past weekend.

Your food photog looks amazing, great job with that!

Stay strong love, I'm rooting for you and am sending positive energy your way. You have such a beautiful heart and I'm so thankful that I found you and your blog.

Much love,

Cacti Don't Cry said...

Yay for photos! ;)

In answer to the question (sort of anyway), it's probably different for me since I always had a high tolerance for pain and it wasn't about the pain per se for me anyway, it was probably more about SEEING it... but I get very ticked off when I get injured by "accident"! The control freak in me likes to be in charge of things like that. (Unfortunately, I am a klutz.)

Sorry about the past few days... hope you're on the mend!!

Sheena said...

Hey sweetie!

Thank you for sharing so much and being so honest with us. Just to let you know, i will keep you in my prayers.

I am not really in a refeeding process or anything, but I am slowly upping my calories to rebuid my metabolism. And I am always so much hungrier than usual. I am tryig to get food off my mind, but being hungry is just forcing it to the forefront, arg!

Also, I am so so so jealous of teh peanut butter cookie Larabar -- we haven't had the PB bars reintroduced in the US yet :(

Anonymous said...

I am sorry about the endoscopy. I have never actually had one, but have watched a few...if I can go through life without needed one, I will be a happy camper.
How are you so lucky to have the PB Larabars?
I promise I will post pictures of your package soon!
Thank you so much for your honesty about why you were in the hospital.
Take care, and stay strong. We're all here for you. Let me know if I can do anything! Thanks again for the UK package. I am glad you got yours!

Stef said...

Thanks for filling us in on why you were in the hospital..I think it's really great that you shared the horrible side effects of diet pills you experienced so that maybe others will be convinced not to take them. I actually never took diet time I tried to buy them and the checkout girl asked how old I was and for my ID. I was 19, but she said "sorry you have to be 25" and then went to double check with her manager. I've never found ANY evidence that such a law exists..but either way they wouldn't sell them to me! Thank God!

I think it's really interesting how your pain and hunger/thirst tolerance has changed so drastically since you've been in recovery. Maybe it's just a survival mechanism that your body uses...any inkling of the suffering it used to endure and it FREAKS OUT so that you can correct the problem immediately and never let it get as bad as before?

The endoscopy sounds terrible...sorry they couldn't knock you out completely, but at least not having general anesthesia is a lot better for you! I think those drugs aren't great for your brain or something...

Your eats sound pretty good today! Too bad that veggie restaurant is closed but at least you can still get their sammies! I'm definitely not a fan of those Power Bars either...wayyyy too protein powdery tasting! I'll stick to the Laras :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your experience with diet pills.

Danielle said...

Your food pictures look great!
So sorry you had a rough weekend, I never would have imagined that diet pills could have such a horrible side effect. Rest up and get better quickly. I'll be thinking about you!
Oh I have some girl scout cookies for you, so email me your address and I'll send them if you want!

aussirish said...

hi hun,
thank you for sharing the reasons for why you were in hospital. i really hope your ok. i didnt knw diet pills could do that either.
the foodies looks great, i love larabars!
take care girlie

Anonymous said...

I have no tolerance for pain either (I can't even bear pulling plasters off these days :P), and although it's a bit soon this time around I remember very well being unable to cope with hunger last time I was in recovery. I see the two as being related though - it's not hunger or pain that I can't tolerate, it's more like I'm really, really sensitive to any physiological stimuli. I have a much lower tolerance for bright lights, noises and crowds than most people seem to as well. I bet you're glad to have the endoscopy over and done with and in the past now anyway! Poor you, ugh.
Ack, the diet pill thing sounds scary. It's far too easy to forget that OTC meds can be just as dangerous as any illegal drug under the right (or wrong, rather) circumstances. I am glad you are back with us anyway <3

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

thank you for your honesty..hope your feeling better xxxxxx

Anonymous said...

I noticed that too! I can't tolerate hunger! at the slightest hunger pains, I get very very grouchy...
thank you for sharing the reason you're in the hospital. hope your honesty can discourage many other girls who might be thinking of using diet pills!
I hope you'll be fine soon!