Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Facing The Past, Clinging To The Future

I woke up today feeling much calmer and happier than I have in days. I read through your comments from yesterday and went on a special (secret!) shopping mission before an appointment I had. I had so much fun! Your words were still on my mind about relaxing and having a good time, and it was great.

I mentioned a couple days ago about how this city holds a lot of painful memories for me. I don't want to go into the whole shebang right now, but suffice to say that I know a lot of people here that I could quite happily live without ever seeing/hearing about today. So far, that's been pretty successful. I am careful about where I go and what I do- part of the anxiety in my new apartment has been not quite sure about the area, but I'm taking it one.day.at.a.time.

I was a little early for my appointment and was standing on the street looking in my bag for tic-tacs when all of a sudden someone called out my name. I looked up to see about fifteen people pouring out of a doorway next to the building I was about to go into. I knew 5 of them. I don't know if they remember things the same way I do, or if I misinterpreted things or if my anxieties and fears have altered my memories somehow, but they seemed happy to see me and started talking and asking lots of questions: the usual, "where have you been/what are you doing". I am generally pretty open about my 'life'- at least, with people who know my story/situation but I was NOT comfortable sharing any information with this group.

Honestly? They scare me. They know me and my history, and I know theirs. They aren't people I feel safe talking to, let alone sharing any information about my current life. I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and frightened- they were friendly to me, and I am going to sound like a complete b**** here, but it just took me back to all those years ago when I watched them chat with each other the same way, then like the flick of a switch, turn into unrecognisable violent monsters.

I know I have changed a lot over the last few years, and I have NO doubt that they have changed too. But it's hard to seperate who I WAS from who I am today.

But being there today, on the street, talking to me the same way they did back then as if nothing has changed at all was unsettling, to say the least.

I can't think straight right now. My thoughts are going a hundred miles per hour, yet at the same time my brain feels strangely empty.

I'm not the same person I was- whether they have changed or not isn't important. I have changed.

I'm not that girl.

I am safe.

I am going to be okay.

6 comments:

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

hope you are ok...remember the past is the past and you have the greatest tools to mould your future. xxxx

Burp and Slurp~! said...

you're right. you're no longer the same, you have changed for the better. stay proud and confident, and others will see that as well. good luck, girl!

helensjourney said...

Good for you staying positive. Don't let the past ruin your future!

Lexi said...

Keep up your positivity girl. I know it's hard but the affirmation "I am okay" is so helpful sometimes. You are OKAY just the way you are. Remember that! Stay strong, much love, You are okay and you are safe.
--Lexi

Stef said...

I think that's a great attitude to have! I don't really know your story or why this environment brings back a lot of painful memories but I know you are a really strong person and you can handle it! Things have changed (probably drastically) in your life, and for the better it seems! There will always be some people who seem frozen in time. They'll be immature or caught up in their own drama forEVER, but those people are losers! Don't feel like you were being a bitch, you are entitled to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships!

Katie said...

That sounds like a really disturbing experience, I hope you are feeling a bit better now. You might run into these people but they never have to be a part of your life again, you are in control of that and you can keep yourself safe in that respect.