I woke up today feeling much calmer and happier than I have in days. I read through your comments from yesterday and went on a special (secret!) shopping mission before an appointment I had. I had so much fun! Your words were still on my mind about relaxing and having a good time, and it was great.
I mentioned a couple days ago about how this city holds a lot of painful memories for me. I don't want to go into the whole shebang right now, but suffice to say that I know a lot of people here that I could quite happily live without ever seeing/hearing about today. So far, that's been pretty successful. I am careful about where I go and what I do- part of the anxiety in my new apartment has been not quite sure about the area, but I'm taking it one.day.at.a.time.
I was a little early for my appointment and was standing on the street looking in my bag for tic-tacs when all of a sudden someone called out my name. I looked up to see about fifteen people pouring out of a doorway next to the building I was about to go into. I knew 5 of them. I don't know if they remember things the same way I do, or if I misinterpreted things or if my anxieties and fears have altered my memories somehow, but they seemed happy to see me and started talking and asking lots of questions: the usual, "where have you been/what are you doing". I am generally pretty open about my 'life'- at least, with people who know my story/situation but I was NOT comfortable sharing any information with this group.
Honestly? They scare me. They know me and my history, and I know theirs. They aren't people I feel safe talking to, let alone sharing any information about my current life. I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and frightened- they were friendly to me, and I am going to sound like a complete b**** here, but it just took me back to all those years ago when I watched them chat with each other the same way, then like the flick of a switch, turn into unrecognisable violent monsters.
I know I have changed a lot over the last few years, and I have NO doubt that they have changed too. But it's hard to seperate who I WAS from who I am today.
But being there today, on the street, talking to me the same way they did back then as if nothing has changed at all was unsettling, to say the least.
I can't think straight right now. My thoughts are going a hundred miles per hour, yet at the same time my brain feels strangely empty.
I'm not the same person I was- whether they have changed or not isn't important. I have changed.
I'm not that girl.
I am safe.
I am going to be okay.
ten months old.
4 weeks ago