More on this later...
A comment on yesterday's post made me really think about this "all or nothing" mentality I have. Particularly around the current issue of my routine. I seem to feel the need to structure literally every single minute of my life, or throw all my rules out the window and have no structure to my days at all. Part of the problem is that I don't really *have* a focus right now, so I have put in place my own timetable to give my day some kind of purpose and meaning. Which is pretty meaningless (seriously- how much satisfaction do I get from having half a cup of coffee at precisely 'x o' clock'?)
There definitely is something to be said for having a life worth living. Reasons to get out of bed each morning, a purpose to every day life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to DO with my life, what form I want my existence to take. Right here, right now, I'm struggling to fill my time with things that aren't to do with weight/food/exercise. I don't know if spending so much time in hospital has something to do with this- several years of being told when I can and cannot eat/sleep/smoke/pee must have had some kind of impact to my institutionalised style of living? Maybe. Maybe not.
I find it really hard to know WHAT to do with my time if it's not all mapped out for me. I get security and comfort from knowing exactly what's happening and when, but "life" isn't about abiding my arbitrary rules and regulations- it's about pursuing passions, spontaneity, enjoyment, meaning. So yes, security and comfort, but it's suffocating and exhausting. I forget to schedule in relaxation or leisure. When I have additional structure (school/work/appointments), I forget to schedule in life-sustaining things like food/sleep (sounds bizarre, but it's been my biggest downfall when I HAVE been working or studying- eating and sleep aren't on the top of my priority list).
What do you guys do when you have a day with nothing planned How do you fill your time?
Anyway, more on this another time most probably.
This weekend, the lovely Sam and I compiled lists of "fear foods" we are going to tackle together. Our lists were pretty similar, and today we decided to take the "liquid calorie" challenge. I have an intense fear of being hungry (oh, the irony...) so I avoid calories in liquid form because I am scared that my body won't recognise it as "fuel" and I'll miss the sensation of eating solid food. Today I faced that fear. The original plan was to have a frappuccino, but after walking to Starbucks in the snow, something hot was much needed! Actually lattes are more of a challenge for me because frappuccinos are semi-solid. It was absolutely delicious. Warm and sweet and comforting. I forced myself to drink black coffee for years, then decided that was too cliche ("the anorexic who drinks black coffee and eats lettuce") so started adding a splash of milk. I've never really experienced coffee drinks beyond adding cinnamon and a little milk, but wow...this latte to my coffee to a whole new level. This will be repeated!
I worked in Starbucks for a while so have made loads of different drinks, but never tried most of them- what do you guys recommend I try?
This is the view of the castle through the Starbucks window:
Lol- you can see my reflection :P (and Sam- that's the sofa you should be sitting on!)
My morning also included this bowl of delicious wonder...
In da mix...
- 1/3 cup oats
- skim milk
- vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
- 1/2 cup pumpkin
- 1/2 tbsp peanut butter drizzled on top
Have a great day everyone!