Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Somewhere Between Black and White...

...there lies a vanilla latte.

More on this later...

A comment on yesterday's post made me really think about this "all or nothing" mentality I have. Particularly around the current issue of my routine. I seem to feel the need to structure literally every single minute of my life, or throw all my rules out the window and have no structure to my days at all. Part of the problem is that I don't really *have* a focus right now, so I have put in place my own timetable to give my day some kind of purpose and meaning. Which is pretty meaningless (seriously- how much satisfaction do I get from having half a cup of coffee at precisely 'x o' clock'?)

There definitely is something to be said for having a life worth living. Reasons to get out of bed each morning, a purpose to every day life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to DO with my life, what form I want my existence to take. Right here, right now, I'm struggling to fill my time with things that aren't to do with weight/food/exercise. I don't know if spending so much time in hospital has something to do with this- several years of being told when I can and cannot eat/sleep/smoke/pee must have had some kind of impact to my institutionalised style of living? Maybe. Maybe not.

I find it really hard to know WHAT to do with my time if it's not all mapped out for me. I get security and comfort from knowing exactly what's happening and when, but "life" isn't about abiding my arbitrary rules and regulations- it's about pursuing passions, spontaneity, enjoyment, meaning. So yes, security and comfort, but it's suffocating and exhausting. I forget to schedule in relaxation or leisure. When I have additional structure (school/work/appointments), I forget to schedule in life-sustaining things like food/sleep (sounds bizarre, but it's been my biggest downfall when I HAVE been working or studying- eating and sleep aren't on the top of my priority list).

What do you guys do when you have a day with nothing planned How do you fill your time?

Anyway, more on this another time most probably.


This weekend, the lovely Sam and I compiled lists of "fear foods" we are going to tackle together. Our lists were pretty similar, and today we decided to take the "liquid calorie" challenge. I have an intense fear of being hungry (oh, the irony...) so I avoid calories in liquid form because I am scared that my body won't recognise it as "fuel" and I'll miss the sensation of eating solid food. Today I faced that fear. The original plan was to have a frappuccino, but after walking to Starbucks in the snow, something hot was much needed! Actually lattes are more of a challenge for me because frappuccinos are semi-solid. It was absolutely delicious. Warm and sweet and comforting. I forced myself to drink black coffee for years, then decided that was too cliche ("the anorexic who drinks black coffee and eats lettuce") so started adding a splash of milk. I've never really experienced coffee drinks beyond adding cinnamon and a little milk, but wow...this latte to my coffee to a whole new level. This will be repeated!

I worked in Starbucks for a while so have made loads of different drinks, but never tried most of them- what do you guys recommend I try?

This is the view of the castle through the Starbucks window:

Lol- you can see my reflection :P (and Sam- that's the sofa you should be sitting on!)

My morning also included this bowl of delicious wonder...

In da mix...

  • 1/3 cup oats
  • skim milk
  • banana
  • vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
  • 1/2 cup pumpkin
  • 1/2 tbsp peanut butter drizzled on top

Love it.

Have a great day everyone!


Stef said...

Ah yes, the "all or nothing" mentality! I feel ya on that one! I think you could be on to something with your theory about spending time in the hospital contributing to your overly structured lifestyle. I think the same effect happens to people who were in the army, jail, or any type of confined/regimented place (like a hospital!) No wonder we have such a hard time adjusting to the "real world." I'm so glad you enjoyed your latte! I have the same fear of liquid calories, but it's good to mix it up every now and then! It's funny/sad that you worked at Starbucks but barely tried anything..I used to work at Panera but the only menu items I ever tried were black coffee, tea, and apples! Haha. I really like soy lattes, and I think I'd prefer them to regular milk even if I wasn't vegan! They just taste richer :)

Elle said...

I struggle with having unstructured days too. I've been thinking about the things I enjoyed doing in the past (art, reading, etc.) and have been trying to use these activities to fill up that "empty time" that makes me feel uncomfortable.

There are some days when I feel super motivated and it's easy to find ways to occupy my time, but other days it can be really hard, especially if I'm feeling down. I'm just hoping that spring and warmer weather will help a little - I'm so tired of being cooped up inside.

Your latte sounds great, and the view from your Starbucks is amazing. Lucky girl :)

Lexi said...

I struggle with liquid calories as well. I'm also afraid of being hungry. I am so proud of you for having the latte!!!!! Great job challenging yourself.

I don't think anyone truly knows that they want to do with their life at such a young age! Try new things, see what seems best for you :)

Anonymous said...

I definitely think you should try:

Venti Soy Misto (My EVERYDAY DRINK!) with cinnamon dolce or vanilla syrup

Chai Latte (YUMMM)

Green Tea Latte (OMG YUM)

Have fun! And welcome to the world of starbucks :-)

Anonymous said...

Ooh what a pretty Starbucks! The ones I go to all have pretty similar city views, but the people-watching is great! When I go, I love to get nonfait chai with a shot of espresso or a nonfat latte with a shot of espresso. You can see I need my buzz!

I'm not so great when my time isn't structured, and even when it is I find myself whiling away the hours on the computer. I always say to myself that "I wish I had more time" to do things I love, like reading, yoga, etc., but I have to realize that I DO have that time, I just have to use it!

Matt said...

The vivanno smoothies at Starbucks are pretty delicious. I'll often get one for an afternoon pick me up or post workout fuel.

Unstructured days should be something to look forward to. Do what YOU want to do and have fun with it. I love weekends because I can lay around my apartment all day and do things when I feel like it. You just have to look on the bright side of things.

kali said...

fuck ellie.... being where i am now, and still having my battles but having gone mad structuring my life so madly i packed everything into a 5 year period... i want to just scream at you. FUCK IT!!! i want you just to wake up tomorrow morning and say `FUCK IT!' to the ed behaviour, mentality, lifestyle and all it brings. to just say fuck it and eat a normal breakfast and (when you have a day off) have a lie in, wander into town, get lunch in a sandwich bar, get a latte, catch up with friends after work, watch shit on tv and have a bevvy or so.
don't get me wrong i have my issues still, ed doesn't just leave, but OMIGOD i want so badly for you to establish a life for yourself. to feel the freedom.

what stings is that only you can do it. if you were a victim, one of those 15% statistics ellie? you'd be gone by now. but you are still here, still battling. and for a fucking good reason!!!!!

you are an amazing character. since i last saw you 9 years ago i can still hear your voice and still see the energy in what you write. its you. you you you and not your asshole ed ok?

there comes a point when your body won't take this shit, and when you have to take a stand.. i am SO SO SO PROUD to be back in contact with you babe, you are just inspiring, but you have a reason for being here against the odds, and a job to do. and you can only do it when you give your poor poor body the nurtrients to help you do it.

im sorry to write so deeply, and i understand if and why you do not post this ok? i just wanted you to read it.
your realisation that ed will get you no-where is true. SUCK UP THE SHIT AND SPIT OUT ROSES BABE! i wish i could be of more help and useful advice, other than i love ya.
do it!!! like the shitty nike adverts, do it!

believe in you 100% babe

Anonymous said...

Oh, I so wish I was sitting on that sofa with you! Great job with the latte. I also feel like liquids wont fill me up as much, so I will just be hunger and eat more than I had originally planned.
In a way, I hate having nothing to do, but then, when I have stuff to do, I feel easily overwhelmed. So, when there is nothing structred or planned, I literally just do nothing.
But remember that you do deserve relaxation and to love, honor, and nourish your body.
And also, grey is okay!
You are a wonderful and beautiful woman.
Can't wait for our next date!

Lauryn said...

LOVE THE LATTE!!!! good for you for going for it, you're WORTH a latte!

i know how easy it is to rely on structure, but i try to remind myself that most of the fun and joy of life is the result of spontaneity. yes, it's frustrating and confusing and trying to us sometimes, but in the end? worth it.

keep pushing, i see you growing with every post and its amazing!!!

aussirish said...

hi hun
im glad uve recognized the all or one mentality youve been living with. its something you can definetly brea out of in time too, so dont loose hope :).
well done on the drink :) yay for yummy lattes! im so proud of you for facing a fear food

ElleMigliore said...

1. I agree with Stef about the soy lattes!! They taste like a burnt graham cracker to me and i love graham crackers so it definitely hits the spot. I also love toffee nut lattes with half the pumps. I have a huge fear of liquid calories too so i haven't had one of these delicious drinks in over a year! I think i should follow your lead!

2. I think many of us, as well as yourself are familiar with the B&W life style.. the tales of an anorexic and bulimic! all kidding aside though, life's about balance and everything in between. I wish I knew the magic answer to help you change your thinking but i'm still working on that myself. Something that has helped me though, is making a list of goals.. ones i want to accomplish for the day, for the month, and for the year. It gives me something to look forward to and strive for.. and makes me feel like i have some sort of direction instead of letting ED lead the way!

Have a great wednesday and kudos on the starbucks!!!

Nutritious is Delicious said...

The frappuccinos are awesome, but I also reccommend
~Cinnamon Dolce Latte
~Passion Ice Tea