Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Hold On Tight

Usually after a morning like today, I'd spent the afternoon distracting myself by writing up meal plans, lists of foods, planning what/when to eat. I'd throw myself headfirst into any anorexic thoughts that passed my way and cling to the "comfort" of my eating disorder, as false as it may really be.

Today I listened to music, did some arty crafty things- stuff I don't usually do, but I wanted to make sure that I nurtured that voice inside me saying, "I'm not the same person I was".

Sounds cheesy when I write it out- I always hated therapists saying, "oh when you feel like XXX do YYY" because it felt so invalidating to the feelings/urges I had. Today, for whatever reason, it felt OKAY to just accept that I DID feel anxious, upset, scared, angry, hurt...

I think feelings are weird things. They are often triggered by something small or don't quite match up to actual experiences in the way you might expect. But they are THERE and they are VALID and most importantly, they pass. Nothing can or will last forever. As horrendous or wonderful as it might feel *right now*, there is no telling how or when it will change. Feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong- they just are.


I'm posting this more for my own reference than anything else. It's so easy to get caught up in whirlwinds of anxiety/fear/anger/hurt/excitement/happiness, that you forget how, in time, things shift. In the meantime, all you can do is embrace whatever you have right then in that moment because it's our thoughts and feelings and experiences that make us who we are. We are ALL products of the people we've met, the things we have experienced, the lives we have lived. We can't go back and change things, do things differently, take back what has been said and done. We might never get apologies we are owed or "thank you"'s we deserve. But it's our choice how we use the *us* that stands today to shape our future. Easier said than done- believe me, I know. It doesn't feel like a choice when we feel pulled towards old habits, previous ways of dealing when the s*** hits the fan. But it is. Every second we make choices in how we act or think. And every second is a chance to do things differently from before.

So when the urges are overwhelming and every fibre in your being is pushing you into something you KNOW isn't going to take you any closer to the life you want to be living, remember that sometimes all you need to do is hold on, breathe and wait for the storm to pass.


"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was
more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
-Nin, Anaise

12 comments:

Katie said...

So true :) hang in there, nothing lasts forever!

Danielle said...

Great post! So true how sometimes the smallest things invoke the strongest of feelings.

Stef said...

Love that quote! Even if this post was mostly for your own reference, I think it's so helpful for this community because I'm sure everyone can relate!

ElleMigliore said...

I love this post and the especially the part you wrote about how it's up to us to choose how we are today.. It's so true about the apologies and the thank yous, that sometimes we get lost in the tangle of it all. It's all about forgiveness.. including for ourselves!

Thanks for the insight!

Sheena said...

This was a great post! First I wanted to say thanks for commeing on my blog recently -- it has been hard for me to completely keep up with everyon's blogs while away, but the comments really made me feel supported thru my struggles.

I am starting to wish the words "good" and "bad" just didn't exist. They are way too final. Just as no food is bad, no feelings are bad. But we are so tempted to categorize things under this easy label.

Anyways, I am glad you fought off the ED thoughts this morning. Take Care sweetie.

ego in absentia said...

Rah Rah - What great thoughts and so very pertinent to the things i'm feeling at the moment. Thank you for the timing and keep doing so well, you are an inspiration, love. xxoooxx

Melanie said...

Ellie,
I can't tell you HOW touching this post is. It's like you knew how I was feeling today and came up with the best advice to give me! You are so wise and you are so right about all of this! Our past is our past, and it's made us who we are right now, the good and the bad. But right now we can decide how we live and what needs to change, and how to do it! Thank you thank you thank you for your post. I love the quote as well!
You're such a beautiful girl!
Melanie :))))

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

so great....i love your posts xxx

Sam said...

Embrace the feelings, it's okay! My therapist once told me all of your feelings are true, and as you say, they just are. And it's okay that they are there, I how you didn't listen to them and nurtured yourself.

Cacti Don't Cry said...

Great quote :) Thanks for the reminder... I keep "forgetting" that my life would be SO much easier in the long run if I'd just stop doing what's easiest in the NOW.

Elle said...

This was such an insightful post that I took to heart. I really need to focus on choosing who I will be today based on where it will take me in the future. The quote you posted was beautiful - I'm going to post it on my fridge. I'm so happy you were able to enjoy some activities that don't fall into your "norms" today.

aussirish said...

beautiful realizations hun :)
keep fighting, your making more and more progress everyday :)
xxxx