Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Dear You (yes YOU)

I've been reading blogs tonight and felt compelled to write a second post.

No pictures, no food talk, no sugar-coating- just me, at the risk of sounding like a complete hypocrite, wanting to reach out to everyone right now who is struggling.

I have about 50 blogs bookmarked which I have been reading daily for months. I don't always comment- not because I don't care, but because I find it so difficult to articulate what I want to say: how much I relate to your ups and downs, how much strength I draw from watching you battling in your wars (whether your war is an eating disorder, an addiction or just the fight to be the best *you* that you can be). I sit by my laptop, big mug of coffee in one hand and I see so much spirit and beauty in your words and pictures. I feel like I KNOW you guys. It sounds stalker-ish, but I know what you eat for breakfast, what you talk about in therapy, what you and your OH argued about last Tuesday. I feel so blessed to have stumbled upon the blogging community.

K, enough cheesiness.

I KNOW that a lot of you are struggling right now. Whether you are reaching a certain milestone/marker in your recovery, or whether you are just starting to contemplate the idea of recovery. Many of you have written about the struggles you are currently facing.

I wish I had some easy answers. i wish there was a handbook or instruction manual- a "HOW TO" guide to overcoming your demons once and for all. I don't. I struggle with the same thoughts and feelings. I have good days and bad, good weeks and bad. Some I express openly here, some I only talk about in therapy, and some that I'll never put into words.

I wish I could reach out to all of you right now and tell you that things are going to be okay, that tomorrow will be better, that this time next week you'll be free from the chains that this illness puts on you. I wish I could wave a wand and make things better. I wish *I* was in a better place and could say, "this is how I got through it...", and it infuriates me that I CAN'T. That I DON'T have answers. I can't take your pain away, I can't pave this road to make it easier for you to walk down. This post feels so meaningless and undermining because I don't have anything concrete to say or suggest...

I just felt compelled to say *something* because I have been so blown-away by the support within the blogging community and am so thankful each and every day for ALL of your words and wisdom. I wish you could see in yourselves what I see- the strength, the determination, the spirit, the wisdom, the shining light that will overpower any shadow that your struggles may cast on your worlds.

I want to stop here- I could write and write and write and write, and never really get across what I am trying to say.

But ALL of you out there who are struggling- know that you aren't alone. That others have fought this battle and overcome it, and YOU CAN TOO. I don't know how- I know it's not easy. I know it's not fast. I know what works for one won't work for another. I know there are no quick-fixes or magical answers and I know that it's not as simple as taking a pill or eating a sandwich (seriously- why is that such a typical suggestion from people?). I know that our battles are unique to us, though we have similar fights. I know that the paths we take and the choices we make are all individualised. I know that we are all waging our own wars with our own armour.

Okay- I am going to shut up know. I just want you to know that I believe in you and I believe in recovery.

And for the people reading this thinking "I don't have a blog/she doesn't mean me/she hasn't read my blog/everyone else can do this except me", you are wrong. The same way that eating disorders/addictions/(insert any emotional difficulty here) doesn't discriminate when choosing it's victims: neither does recovery.

Keep fighting guys.

Nobody said it would be easy. Just that it'll be worth it.


Danielle said...

Beautiful post!

Anonymous said...

Thank you Ellie.
And I do not think you are being a hypocrite at all, but I know that with ED's, I find that it is so easy to be supportive of everyone but yourself.
Thank you for your warm wishes and wonderful thoughts.
Feel free to email me if you ever write a long comment.
Lots of love.
I will keep fighting!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing that, it was lovely and exactly what I needed to read today <3 I am kind of tempted to actually print it out to read over in the next few weeks - would you mind? I Hope the move is going well and that you are having a nice evening :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you. <3

Anonymous said...

your way too sweet!
great post :)

Jaime said...

hey girl! could not find an email address so i'll just post here.
i don't find your blog triggering. but that comment really hit me the wrong way-- in fact i wrote a post in response to it but decided not to publish it.

i am NOT taking a step back-- i have made so much progress so far and i need to maintain a little bit for now because that is what is right for me. if you really get me-- you would understand that i am IN NO WAY GOING BACK TO THAT PLACE i am literally 2 lb away from where i need to be and i just need to stay here to get comfortable.
thanks for the feedback but you made it seem like i was taking a step back which im not. i understand your comment was coming from a supportive place but it really struck me..

i'm not mad or anything-- just being honest :) thanks for your concern and of course i will continue to read your blog. xo

Elle said...

Hi Ellie,

I loved both of the posts you made today - I'm printing off a copy of the "45 Life Lessons" to post on my fridge. And, this post was just phenomenal...I know what you mean about wanting to reach out and just...DO SOMETHING for someone that is struggling, but I guess the nature of the blogosphere is pretty limiting in that sense. I'm so glad I found your blog :)


Pammy said...

This is such a beautiful post. You dont have to have the answers- just reading about the steps you are taking in recovery is so inspirational.

I have to admit- i am pretty excited about odwalla day tomorrow.

Sheena said...


I loved this post. Thank you so much. I have been feeling so alone lately in my recovery and so lost, even though it seems everyone is struggling lately.

This has put me in a better mood and a more positive mood to face the evening struggles that are ahead of me.

Thank you, and Take Care!

Anonymous said...

wow you are so sweet! i loved reading this :)

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

thank you for really touched glad were here for each other :) xxxx

Stef said...

Hi Ellie! Thanks for commenting on my blog and introducing yourself! I'm right with you about having bookmarked a TON of blogs and reading them for a while and being so amazed and feeling blessed by the support in this community! I feel like a creeper at times because I too know your fave kind of oatmeal or pb or what you and your therapist talk about etc. but it's all in the spirit of recovery and reaching out! We can all relate to so many elements of each others' struggles...You write so beautifully!

Melanie said...

Omigosh I seriously love your blog!! You are SO inspirational and strong; thank you for your words! I just found your blog; I'm trying to find ones that will inspire and help me along the way, and yours has definetely done that. Thank you thank you thank you!
(I'm going to add you to my bloggroll if that's ok- I've just started)