Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Happy Day

I talked with my support worker yesterday about how guilty I feel for not working at the moment- I feel bad that I am living on disability benefits and not contributing to society in any way. I have HUGE anxieties about the future, career, wanting to move back to New York, etc and get really frustrated with myself for not doing more with my life. She basically said that right now, I'm not healthy enough mentally or physically to work. I'm not sure WHY that put my mind at ease- I guess having it confirmed that it's OKAY for now to not be working and just be focused on rebuilding my life is enough. She reiterated what I've talked about in therapy- that it's far better to take things slowly and build up at a sustainable pace, than to rush into things, take on too much and completely fall apart.

I think that's partly where the 'silence' is coming from. Hearing someone else's voice over and above the whispers/screams from anorexia, telling me that I'm doing exactly what I NEED to do right now has left the disordered part of my brain without much leg-room to start stomping on my thoughts.


Onto all that is good and glorious :)

Today is the first day that it's started to feel summery here in Scotland. The sun is shining and it's *gasp* NOT raining! Woooo! I also saw the first bee of the year. Anyone else petrified of bees/wasps? I took for granted the fact that there weren't any in NYC (city smog perhaps?) but there are lots on Edinburgh- and if the size of today's one is anything to go by, it could be an anxiety provoking summer! At least I live alone and nobody can make me open my windows!

There is a pretty large (by Edinburgh standards!) mall by the water that I decided to venture too. It's actually really near where I live and has amazing views of the water. I just wandered around for an hour before the guilt kicked in (*grumblegrumble* it'sawednesdayshouldbeworking/applyingforjobs *grumblegrumble*), but I had a really nice time.

Aaaaaaand...LOOK WHAT I FOUND!

I almost squealed when I saw this! I am pretty sure it's the same as the 'White Chocolate Wonder'- no idea why it has a different name here. Can't wait to try it!

I also tried a new breakfast this morning after receiving this in the mail:

Sounded good and I never turn down free samples!

With pumpkin and fage (the post-mix picture was ugly so you don't have to see that :P ). Looked like hamster food and tasted like sawdust. I'll stick to my beloved branberry muesli!

Today was also another 'food challenge' day that Sam and I picked. On the menu this week: mayonnaise.

I always thought I hated mayonnaise until I went to Germany when I was about 15. Have any of you guys had the pleasure of trying German chips (french fries) with mayonnaise? OMG. Their mayonnaise is NOTHING like Hellman's. It was amazing! Since then, I've grown to like mayonnaise in certain foods. My favourite sandwich filling is chicken salad and I ate this a LOT when I lived in the US (evolved into one made with tofu which I could quite happily live off for the rest of my life). Here in the UK, if you order a "chicken salad sandwich", you get chicken and salad on bread. Makes sense, no? I got quite a shock my first trip to the US when I ordered a chicken salad sandwich and got the chicken/celery/mayo combination I grew to love! Haha.

I really wanted a chicken salad sandwich (US style!) today, but this is the closest we get- chicken and sweetcorn! Sweetcorn and mayonnaise are pretty standard add-ins to tuna or chicken so this was the best I could come up with to fulfill my chicken salad craving (short of *gasp* buying some chicken, mayo...I don't know what else you guys put in it to make it so good!)

This was my first time having chicken in a really long time- I'm not vegetarian, but I generally don't eat much. I don't like to label myself as anything in particular, but I definitely prefer vegetarian options (just wish they weren't all soy/cheese/egg based!). I've had this sandwich before, but not for ages- it was a nice change from my usual lunch. I love sandwiches and think I am going to start making them a regular feature in my diet again- what are your favourite sandwich fillings?


"I relax in the knowledge that I am exactly in the right
place at the right time doing the right thing"


Thinspired said...

You found the PB & Co!!! Yay! I have a jar like that sitting in my cupboard back at home and I am "saving" it. What am I saving it for?! No idea.
Favorite sandwich filler definitely would involve PB...maybe some banana and honey :)

Burp and Slurp~! said...

I'm simple when it comes to sandwich filling: egg and tomato, ham and cheese.
I hear you about the mayo! hellman boasts that its made of "real" mayo, but HAH!
oh, and answer to you've never really cooked eggs before? SERIOUSLY? whoa, I've gotta jet over to scotland and make an egg-queen out of ya!

Danielle said...

So glad you got to have an "American" version of chicken salad, it looks great and you deserve to eat what you like!

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

glad you are feeling happier and more at ease...imagine the wonders you can do and the career you can hav when you are better physically and mentally..thats what im working for aswell! :) xxx

Lexi said...

Keep up with your food challenges! You are so inspiring!

Sheena said...

Hey sweets!

Wait to tackle the mayo challenge. The sandwich does look good. i am actually making a curry chicken salad sandwich for dinner tonight (already made teh chicken salad and it's in the fridge). That will be in my blog later. Also glad you found the PB&Co!

I am doing okay today. i had therapy this morning, which I was emotional from last night still. it was good and bad in that we might have pin-pointed what causes me to binge but I don't know how to change it (I will also elaborate on this in my blog tonight).

I am starting to feel better though, as i felt sick most of the morning.

Anyways, this is a long comment. Have a great rest of teh day and take care!!!

Anonymous said...

Where did you find that peanut butter?! I am more of an almond/cashew butter person but these PB&Co products I keep seeing on blogs have gotten me terribly curious to see what all the fuss is about!
My favourite sandwich fillings - well, I can't really do normal sandwiches (wheat free bread is easy to come by, but truly yeast free bread costs over £6 a loaf, can only be found online, and is about as easy to swallow as a rock :P ) but in my wraps I usually have some combination of egg, beans, salad, bean burgers/falafel, or nut butter and jam. Yum :)

Stef said...

Guilt is definitely one of the WORST parts of recovery. Giving yourself permission to get well and be healthy is hard. I'm glad your support worker calmed you down a bit! I'm struggling with feeling like I don't DO anything these days too. I'm only taking one class and I don't work, so I feel very unproductive and useless. I guess we have to think about this "downtime" as an investment in ourselves so that one day we WILL be able to work and do something great with our future instead of trotting along half-assing it because we don't have the energy/mental health to get us through!

Try not to stress too much about the HUGE bees, I think the really big fuzzy black ones don't sting, or at least that's what I was always told!

isabella mori said...

i sent you an award because i like you blog - here

Anonymous said...

I just sent off for a free sample of Muesli.

I couldn't pick one fav sandwich filling, but anything with cheese I love.

Lexi said...

Great job with the chicken salad! That's so awesome! And I love the affirmation at the end of this post! Have a great night girl.

Pammy said...

Im glad to hear your feeling happier. You sound very positive. Keep challenging yourself- you are doing amazing.

Anonymous said...

So glad you found the White Chocolate Wonderful, or whatever it is called overseas!
Right now, it is important to concentrate about getting healthy and not feeling guilty. You are not guilty for having an ED.
I love you affirmation.
Right here, right now. Live in the moment, take each day as it comes.
Great job with the mayo.

Baylee♥ said...

OMGGGG! i was just thinking the other day about how they need to make a vanilla Peanut butter. granted, i think it would taste alot like white chocolate wonderful, but youll definately have to let us know how it is!

Elle said...

PB & Co. finds always make for a great day!! And congrats on tackling another fear food today - you and Sam are making some serious progress!! As of late, my favorite sandwich fillings are hummus, baby spinach, avocado, and cottage cheese (sounds weird, but it tastes sooo good). I'm really glad that your support worker was able to relieve some of the negative feelings you have about not working, etc. I truly agree that the best thing you can do right now is focus on YOU - it's so easy to push forward and take on new responsibilities only to lose focus on the issues that really determine whether or not we'll be able to lead a healthy and happy life.
Love your affirmation :)

aussirish said...

hi girlie
yay you found that pb :) it looks amazing, we dont have pb & co in ireland so ive never tried them but bloggers swear by them!
well done on the fear food mdear :) that sammie looks awesome. im a HUGE sammie fan, i have them everyday. my fav and daily combo is ww seeded bread, tomatoe relish, turkey, sweetcorn and eggwhite...i knw it sounds odd but it tastes sooo good!
have a nice afternoon hun :)

Burp and Slurp~! said...

hey girl! I've got an award waiting for you at my blog...check it out!

Lauryn said...

yummy, lovely eats! and YAY for pb and co peanut butter, im so glad you found it! its the star of my breakfast every single morning!

hmm, sandwiches... i love turkey, lettuce, lots of tomatoes, a laughing cow, spicy brown mustard, sweet peppers and more! i just love sandwiches period!

hope you're having a fantastic thursday! xoxo