Rocking It Out In The School Of Life

Things I Have Learnt This Week

• houses do not clean themselves
• if an electrical appliance looks like a safety hazard, it probably should not be used
• some things are better left unsaid
• Amy’s Kitchen make delicious meals but they are designed to be ugly enough that nobody would pass them off as their own cooking
• sometimes the person you expect to kick you when you are down is the one who helps you back up
• being true to myself is more important to me than compromising who I am to fit in
• I can’t control what anyone else does or says, just how I respond to them
• all it takes is one person to say, “I believe in you” to make everything feel okay again
• crack wraps were the missing piece in my self-devised tailor-made food pyramid
• I worry too much about what people think
• I don’t say “I love you” enough to the people I would want to hear it
• everyone needs a little cheerleading squad in their lives, but it’s also a good idea to have your own pom-poms ready
• the only way to overcome a fear is to face it head on
• words have a tendency to get lost in translation and can hurt like hell when they do
• if I get up at 4;30am and go back to bed after breakfast, it’s very likely that I will be half-asleep all day
• everyone makes mistakes sometimes
• living in the ‘real world’ requires a lot of compromising, a lot of patience and a lot of compassion
• I have a very limited vocabulary when it comes to describing good food. My words of choice are: delicious, great, amazing, fabulous (note to self: bookmark a thesaurus)
• using a list format for posts is awesome when I am feeling lazy makes it easier to formulate my thoughts

Munchables…

I woke up with a Hugh Jass mug of coffee bowl of purple goodness.

Oats, blueberries, Fage and a twist on Emily's PBU (I used almond butter, which I guess makes it 'ABU'?). Emily- you are a GENIUS! According to an online thesaurus, I can describe this as appealing, delectable, delicious, delish, divine, flavorsome, heavenly, inviting, luscious, mouthwatering, palatable, saporous (eh?!), scrumptious, tantalizing, tasty or yummy. I’m going to go with all of them. Yes, it was that good.

Why do they not make more nut butter flavoured things? There is no shortage of bars/cookies/cereals, but why not yogurt, milk, etc? I know we make our own combinations, but there are so many different flavours of yogurts out there but no nut butter ones. I'd pick that over 'lemon chiffon' anyday. (Stonyfield? Yoplait? You reading this?) Or peanut butter hot chocolate? I might need to order some PB2...

Lunch also included (but was NOT limited to) something which could be described the same way as my breakfast, but I won’t write out the whole list again hit “ctrl + p” again.

As much as I love mushrooms and spinach, I really just wanted the hummus. Think I could make a hummus smoothie? Just blend this all up and call it a Chick(pea) Monsteress?

The rest of my food over the last 24 hours has been rather dull in comparison, so I won’t bore you. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before so don’t lose sleep over it… ;)

Question: Live Writer is still not working for me. I can write/format but then can't transfer my post to Blogspot. Does anyone use Live Writer with a blogspot blog? TiPz needed!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Do It In Style!

Sometimes it takes me several hours to put a post together. I have a lot of days where nothing I write seems to make sense and I can't put my thoughts into any kind of coherent sentence. Finally, I click the 'publish' button only to come back and edit, time after time after time. I see flaws in my writing- spelling, grammar, punctuation. I worry about who is reading and what they will think of me or how they will interpret what I have written.

I worry about which 'niche' my blog falls into or where it fits into 'blogosphere'. I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't HAVE to fit into any particular niche- if somebody asked me what my blog was about, I wouldn't have an answer. It's about me- sleeping, eating and everything that goes on inbetween. Thoughts, actions, ideas... There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' way for a blog to take shape- that's what makes them so special and unique. I could spend my whole life trying desperately to fit in to any one particular crowd, or I could step into an empty space and claim it as my own.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how people see me or what they think or me. My mistakes are amplified in my head to be huge disasters, when really...people, for the most part, have their own stuff going on that is far more important than if somebody has used the same word twice in one sentence. Yet still, I panic. Egocentric? Neurotic? Perfectionist? Likely a combination of all three. I don't know what would happen if I stopped caring so much- what thoughts would fill that space. Whether I would go back to fretting over food and calories, or whether the time and energy would be channelled towards something productive. Whenever I drag my thoughts away from the 'obsession of the day', another one seems to creep in which is equally problematic.

I remember when I was much younger and waiting to be called up for my turn in a music competition. I was crying because I was so convinced that I was going to mess up and make a fool of myself. My music teacher kneeled down, looked me in the eye and said, "go out there and give it ALL you've got- go right ahead and make mistakes...but do it with confidence, do it like you mean it and nobody is likely to pick up on it". I did go out there, I did make mistakes, but I kept on playing. Rocking it out (well, as much 'rocking' as you can do playing traditional Scottish music on a harp) and I came home with a gold medal.

Moral of today's ramblings: go out into the world and give it all you've got. Mistakes aren't what make you different from everybody else- they are what make you exactly LIKE everyone else. Nobody is perfect, despite how they may appear on the surface. So screw-up, pick yourself up and start all over again. Just make sure you give it your best shot and if you fall flat on your face, at least pretend that you meant to do it that way. A little self-confidence goes a long way when it comes to "faking it till you make it".

Speaking of 'going out with a bang', my KETTLE EXPLODED last night. I turned it on to make a cup of tea, and there were sparks, weird noises and a huge 'BOOM', before all the power went out in my apartment. What did I do first? What ANY blogger would do- grabbed a camera...haha.

You know you are addicted to blogging when... ;)

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Some food highlights from today, after I fixed the power last night. Just call me the 'DIY Diva'.

I woke up at 6am which is LATE for me.

Pumpkin banana oatmeal topped with peanut butter. Eaten cold.

Are there things you eat cold that most people would eat hot (or vice versa)? All of my food is eaten cold- I cook most of my things the day before and leave it in the fridge. I always LOVED eating cold leftovers when I was younger, so now I just skip straight over the 'first time' and go straight for the 'leftover' aspect!

Chocolate fix...

Glenny's brownie spread with white chocolate peanut butter. Yes, it was as good as it looked :) I never ate peanut butter until I started reading blogs (and never considered myself to be a fan of chocolate- but reading back some recent posts would indicate otherwise!) Ha...

What foods have you started eating more of since reading blogs? My main ones would be peanut butter, hummus and oatmeal. None of which I ever disliked or purposely avoided- I just never really thought of them as appealing/interesting. Now I can't imagine life without them!

Post-therapy (real psychotherapy, chocolate therapy is a given these days!) I made a curried chicken salad and spinach wrap. I love the dried apricots and raisins in this...though I love dried fruit in anything!

Still on the lookout for a vegetarian chicken salad recipe- anyone got one they recommend? (Elise?!.)

Thanks for the menu suggestions for tomorrow- I am really looking forward to it! Wish you could all come!

Have a fabulous hump-day everyone!

When "Quitting" Is A Good Thing

• when you realise that what you are doing has started to hurt more than help
• when the passion has died and doesn't seem to be coming back
• when it feels more compulsive than enjoyable
• when it doesn't interest you anymore
• when it starts to lose meaning and stops making sense
• when it's taking up more energy and time than it warrants
• when it starts to feel out of your own hands
• when you realise it's taking you further and further from where you want to be going
• when it's causing sleepless nights and restless days
• when the "get up and go" feeling...got up and went
• when you face it with dread rather than hope
• when you reach limits that aren't possible to break through
• when no matter how hard you try, you realise there isn't anything more you can do
• when your health and happiness becomes compromised
• when it becomes a 24/7 obsession rather than a pleasant past time
• when you worry more about what people are thinking rather than staying true to yourself
• when holding on is more painful than letting go

This isn't related to anything in particular right now, just some thoughts/ideas that have been bouncing around my head- more so lately as 'life' has gotten busier and my priorities are being assessed (and reassessed!). I'm trying to prise things apart and figure out what is 1) important, 2) enjoyable and 3) what is taking up my attention/focus right now that is okay to let go of. I hate the idea of "quitting"- I like to think I can juggle a zillion things at once and somehow keep everything balanced in a nice pie-chart format. That's not working out very well so I am working on accepting that sometimes there are things that I need to just let go. My dad calls this a "strategical retreat"- cutting your losses and backing out whilst you can. I still see it as 'quitting' and prefer to stick with it and hope that things work out.

What are your thoughts on giving up/quitting if it's something that isn't working for you anymore? Do you find it easy to do?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day , to make you like everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight."

- E. Cummings

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The good stuff...

I made the BEST breakfast this morning, featuring this bar that Aisha sent me:

I cooked up some oats and swirled them together with plain fromage frais and frozen blueberries and crumbled a chunk of the bar on top.

The bar was amazing! Such a great oatmeal topping, especially with the blueberries and yogurt. Why have I waited so long to try the coconut and almond combinations I've seen on so many blogs?! (note to self: copy more bloggers- these guys have GREAT taste!) I am rapidly falling in love with the hot oat/cold yogurt bowls!

I've had this sitting in my fridge for ages and have been looking forward to trying it since it's so popular amongst bloggers.

I REALLY wanted to like it. Ccinnamon is one of my all-time favourite spices and I love the short ingredients list (if something has a list that I can read straight through without needing to stop for a break, I LIKE it), but the flavour was strange...spicy, sweet and not what I was expecting. Not a bad thing since I can't get these bars easily and am glad I don't need to add it to my list of stuff to stock up. I do find it weird how I can tolerate such high levels of artificial sweeteners, but I find Larabars INCREDIBLY sweet. Anyone else find this? Or am I just weird? Heh... Does anyone else keep their Lara bars in the fridge?

Hope everyone's weekend is off to a great start!

If You Ain't Got It, You Can't Shake It

I went to buy a magazine this morning- no big deal, right? I don't buy them often because there are only a couple I enjoy reading but start of the month means new issues so I wanted to check out the latest editions. Every single magazine had articles on the cover with titles such as, "Get Your Perfect Body in 12 weeks" (or something similar). Who exactly ARE these people who decide what a 'perfect' body is? Is there a degree in designing ideal body shapes that I don't know about?

This stuff doesn't 'trigger' me, but it irritates me. My eating disorder has never been about achieving a 'perfect body' or aspiring to look like a celebrity (and I have never met anyone whose disorder HAS been about that, despite the hype in the media about fashion/models contributing to the rising rates in eating disorders). I think it's very easy to want to blame something concrete/tangible for the rampancy of eating disorders but I think it's a rather simplistic view to take and a bit of a cop-out to point fingers at the media. I've never paid any attention to celebrity's weights ("X has lost Ylbs"/"X has gained YYlbs- oh the horror!") because it is of no interest to me. I don't know these people and I have no interest on reading 'shock factor' stories about a footballers wife I've never heard of who was spotted eating *gasp* a piece of pizza. In public nonetheless. I don't consider this 'newsworthy' material, let alone something I want to spend money on purchasing.

I have sat through countless group therapy sessions talking about the impact the media has on body image. I've also sat through countless therapy sessions talking about the importance of self-acceptance being something to strive for. THIS I agree with, but what has been drummed into my head as "normal" doesn't seem to be that normal after all. The majority of the woman I know (not with eating disorders) share the same desire to lose Xlbs, the same mentality that certain foods are good/bad/should be avoided at all costs. I kind of feel like the more I work towards being "normal", the more "abnormal" I become. It's a little discouraging to think that disliking your body is the 'norm'.

I am really interested in fitness, health and nutrition because I can relate to lots of it from my own experiences, and it's a language I 'understand'. (Politics? Religion? Current affairs? RIGHT over my head!). But when health/nutrition/fitness crosses into the territory of "let's all eat cardboard for the next 3 months so we can look fab in a bikini" my brain switches off. Promoting healthy and balanced diets is one thing- promoting the idea that huge sacrifices are necessary because everyone needs to look a certain way is another. All kinds of factors come into play when it comes to body size/shape, and diet/exercise is only part of it. What is healthy for one person is NOT healthy for another. Some people's natural body weight is higher than others, some people need more/less food than others. There is no one weight/size that everyone should strive for. Strive for your OWN optimum health, and rock it out. Life's too short to waste chasing what some editor in a high-rise office building in Chicago has randomly decided is THE body to have. If weight loss is a health goal, I am ALL for supporting that in a realistic/balanced/healthy way, but to promote acheiving a "dream body in JUST 3 weeks" is just ridiculous.

Rock what you have, guys! Individuality and confidence is where true beauty is.

I never did get my magazine- though all is not lost. I saved $5 and killed my magazine reading time by writing a long ramble post instead :D

Any thoughts on this? I love hearing what you guys have to say, especially since everyone has different experiences- what are your thoughts on the media's influence on body image?

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Munchables! (which contributed to my 'awesomeness scale rating' jumping from a 3 to the much hoped for 8.5...oh yes!)

I HAD to open some of the amazing goodies that arrived yesterday. I have never tried almond butter before but have seen it all over blog world and have yet to be disappointed by any of your suggestions.

Pumpkin banana oatmeal topped with almond butter. I do believe there were angels singing. This stuff is INCREDIBLE! I love the taste of almonds but I don't like the texture (CRUNCH!) and now...ah...expect to see this again. Soon.

Next up was the cherry almond Eat Natural bar, also from Aisha-

Chewy, little crunch, yoghurt coating, HUGE chunks of dried fruit...one word: YUM! (UK guys- you can get a free sample of this bar from their website!)

Part of my lunch included this sandwich:

Sandwich thin with Quorn fillets, BBQ sauce, pineapple and a little grated cheese. I LOVE fruit combined with savoury foods and pineapple + cheese go so well together.

What are some of your favourite sweet/savoury combinations?

That's all I've got for you guys right now- have a great Hump Day!

Oh, and go check out the fabulous Megan's giveaway!

I...Love Food

It seems to be a fairly common misconception that people with eating disorders hate eating. I can only speak for myself, but I have never hated eating. The thoughts/feelings that arose from it (about myself), yes, but not eating itself. I love food and always have. I have never enjoyed the sensation of hunger (which is probably partly why I chose starving myself as a "coping mechanism?)

When I was 13, I vowed to never again say out loud, "I'm hungry". To do so meant admitting that I had needs and wants which I would far rather have ignored. I have had many a heated argument with people who suggested that I was hungry- me? NO WAY. I didn't want to show what I felt was a sign of weakness/lack of control. I secretly loved being in hospital where I was forced to eat because FINALLY I had the 'permission' to eat that I didn't feel worthy of giving myself.

I don't know quite when this changed but it most definitely has. I think a lot of it has come from reading blogs and seeing that eating is not only essential to health/life, but also a great source of pleasure and interest for a lot of people. I know there are a lot of people who struggle with finding a healthy relationship with food/their bodies, and I'm still working on that. But I am no longer scared to admit to being hungry, to needing food, to needing anything. It's not a sign of weakness or greed- it's part of being human.

Part of me feels like this is just too good to be true. That it is just a matter of time before I start spiralling downwards again- but the bigger/stronger part of me is thrilled at the thought of never having to starve myself again. And I DON'T have to. I like to eat and I want to live, so there's nothing to be negotiated further. ("Mmmmkay, anorexia? You hear me?") There are still niggling doubts and questions at the back of my mind: what if my body starts changing and I can't deal with it? What if I start questioning whether or not I WANT to live? How do I deal with stress without retreating into my eating disorder. I need to keep reminding myself that anorexia causes a whole set more of problems than it solves, that I am strong enough to face the world head-on without resorting to 'coping mechanisms' which don't work. That I deserve to eat, that I deserve to be healthy, that I deserve to take up a place in the world.

In other news: still no news/feedback about my article. I don't know how to interpret this so am just...waiting (and WAITING) and still no sleep. FGHJKJHVVJUJ! Anyone got tried and tested natural sleep remedies?

Random quote for the day which is completely unrelated to my post, but relevant nonetheless:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

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Munchables! (is that a real word?)
edit: according to spellcheck, no, it's not a real world. I am still using it. My blog = poetic license, no?


Last night's lack of energy called for Amy's help...


Teriyaki bowl with extra vegetables.

I've had this meal before and really liked it, but it tasted strange last night- a very strong taste of ginger (ICK!) and a very strong taste of lime (another ICK- ginger and citrus fruits are my most hated foods!). The vegetables were a stir-fry blend including pak choi for Katie's new food challenge- it had no flavour so I covered it in ketchup It tasted not unlike cabbage but with a tougher texture. I am not a fan.

Breakfast this morning, bright eyed and bushy-tailed at exactly 4:47am (I need coffee and food as soon as I get up!)


Pumpkin banana oats topped with peanut butter. Love it. At any hour (and it did make up for being awake so early!)

Snack was my last mini Clif bar...


...topped with white chocolate peanut butter. Loved this too.

For lunch I made a wrap! Well, assembled the wrap. Wrap + filling + ever improving rolling skills (right, Jaime?!)


Coronation chicken salad and spinach in lavash wrap. Kind of looks like egg salad, but there is most definitely chicken in there (along with raisins and dried apricots). Loved this too (sensing a theme with today's food? Oh-so-loveable!)

I am in a surprisingly loving/happy mood today- maybe this lack of sleep isn't such a bad thing?!
Hope everyone is having a hoppin' happenin' Hump Day!

Let The Healing Begin

I forgive myself for having never completing high school/college...
I forgive myself for not going to medical school...
I forgive myself for putting my friendships/relationships on the back-burner...
I forgive myself for the damage I have caused to my body...
I forgive myself for the years I spent in hospital...
I forgive myself for not accepting the treatment I was given because I wasn't ready for it...
I forgive myself for relapsing after my family invested a lot of time/money into my treatment...
I forgive myself for not being as independent as I would like...
I forgive myself for not being able to manage living/working in New York last summer...
I forgive myself for the suicide attempts and self-harm...
I forgive myself for developing an eating disorder...

I forgive myself because I can't go back and change things, do things differently. I've done a lot of things I regret over the years, damaged a lot of relationships and caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. I think about it a lot and wish I could go back in time and somehow fix things- but I can't. And until I stop punishing myself for the choices I HAVE made, I'll never break free from this spiral of self-loathing/self-destruction. All that I have is THIS moment: a chance to make healthier choices and a chance to lay solid foundations so that the years ahead of me aren't repeats of the years that lie behind me.

Now with the heavy stuff out of the way...

Breakfast:


Same banana oat base (oats, 1/2 milk + 1/2 water, vanilla, pinch of salt, mashed banana), with raspberries and white chocolate peanut butter again- the last of my raspberries thankfully. I thought frozen fruit is generally a pretty safe bet in terms of good taste but these were really sour. Maybe I just don't really like raspberries! I have lots of frozen blueberries and some cans of pumpkin so my oats will be raspberry-free from this point on.

In the spirit of self-compassion, I wanted to try one of my childhood favourite foods. I didn't eat 'junk food' often when I was little (I was the weirdo kid with raw mushrooms and raisins at playtime!) but occasionally my dad would take me to the bakery for one of these:


Honestly? I didn't like it very much. I think my taste buds have changed quite a lot over the years- it tasted sickeningly sweet but otherwise doughy and bland. My love of raw mushrooms and raisins remains, however! I'm glad I TRIED this because doughnuts are a kind of "no-go" zone for me, but give me a Clif bar or Larabar over this any day. Of course, I will need to experiment with some other old favourites ;) What were some of your favourite foods when you were growing up? Do you still enjoy them now?

Onto dinner:


Leftover tofu (marinaded in BBQ sauce) with mashed potato and steamed vegetables. So unphotogenic, but so tasty! I was very tempted to squirt ketchup and mustard all over it to add some flashy colours (think "JAZZZZZZ HANDS" culinary-style!) but I resisted the urge. I know a lot of you guys appreciate tofu and steamed vegetables even if they don't glow in the dark or sparkle (cheese-whiz anyone?)

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Amazing Healing Power Of Sleep

I woke up feeling much better today. Never underestimate the healing powers of sleep (+ proper food!). I am always amazed by the impact physical state has on emotional state- anyone else noticed this? When I am getting adequate nutrition and rest, my thoughts are so much clearer and mood so much brighter. It's a vicious cycle when I start restricting because inevitably my sleep patterns become more disrupted leading to deeper depression/fuzzier thinking leading to falling back into old coping skills (more restricting)...it's definitely something that is easier to prevent in the first place than pull myself out of!

Work induction went well. Everyone seems really nice and am all set to start next week. There are a couple new projects starting up so it's going to be really busy- I'll just be there one morning a week initially doing admin work, then I'll increase my hours and be working more in the marketing/PR department.

In EXCITING NEWS (!), I am planning my trip to New York and can't WAIT. I am beyond excited. Dates yet to be confirmed, but I'm looking at the last week in August and first two weeks in September. Blogger meet-up anyone?

And some other oh-so-exciting stuff (who am I kidding? :P )-

Breakfast:

Banana oatmeal (oats, vanilla, mashed banana, milk) with frozen raspberries and white chocolate peanut butter. I missed my pumpkin oats- these raspberries were REALLY sour, despite the sweetness of the banana and peanut butter. I think breakfast is my favourite meal of the day- most people I know eat the same stuff for breakfasts most days (cereal and/or toast) but for me it's when I am most creative and try lots of new combinations. I also eat really early (wake up around 5:30, drink coffee then eat) so I am usually calm and the outside world is quiet and peaceful. What's your favourite meal of the day and why?

Snack:

Mini chocolate chip Clif bar spread with 1/2 tbsp white chocolate peanut butter. Peanut butter twice in one day? Why not?!

Lunch:

Mexican bean pate and tomato sandwich. A new find! The pate was really good but somewhat unspreadable and stayed in a big slab despite my efforts to mush it around. Tasted great though! I just noticed that almost all my meals today have been BROWN. At least my sour raspberries added a splash of colour if nothing else!

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday so far- weekend is almost here! What have you got planned?

Somewhere Between Black and White...

...there lies a vanilla latte.



More on this later...

A comment on yesterday's post made me really think about this "all or nothing" mentality I have. Particularly around the current issue of my routine. I seem to feel the need to structure literally every single minute of my life, or throw all my rules out the window and have no structure to my days at all. Part of the problem is that I don't really *have* a focus right now, so I have put in place my own timetable to give my day some kind of purpose and meaning. Which is pretty meaningless (seriously- how much satisfaction do I get from having half a cup of coffee at precisely 'x o' clock'?)

There definitely is something to be said for having a life worth living. Reasons to get out of bed each morning, a purpose to every day life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to DO with my life, what form I want my existence to take. Right here, right now, I'm struggling to fill my time with things that aren't to do with weight/food/exercise. I don't know if spending so much time in hospital has something to do with this- several years of being told when I can and cannot eat/sleep/smoke/pee must have had some kind of impact to my institutionalised style of living? Maybe. Maybe not.

I find it really hard to know WHAT to do with my time if it's not all mapped out for me. I get security and comfort from knowing exactly what's happening and when, but "life" isn't about abiding my arbitrary rules and regulations- it's about pursuing passions, spontaneity, enjoyment, meaning. So yes, security and comfort, but it's suffocating and exhausting. I forget to schedule in relaxation or leisure. When I have additional structure (school/work/appointments), I forget to schedule in life-sustaining things like food/sleep (sounds bizarre, but it's been my biggest downfall when I HAVE been working or studying- eating and sleep aren't on the top of my priority list).

What do you guys do when you have a day with nothing planned How do you fill your time?

Anyway, more on this another time most probably.

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This weekend, the lovely Sam and I compiled lists of "fear foods" we are going to tackle together. Our lists were pretty similar, and today we decided to take the "liquid calorie" challenge. I have an intense fear of being hungry (oh, the irony...) so I avoid calories in liquid form because I am scared that my body won't recognise it as "fuel" and I'll miss the sensation of eating solid food. Today I faced that fear. The original plan was to have a frappuccino, but after walking to Starbucks in the snow, something hot was much needed! Actually lattes are more of a challenge for me because frappuccinos are semi-solid. It was absolutely delicious. Warm and sweet and comforting. I forced myself to drink black coffee for years, then decided that was too cliche ("the anorexic who drinks black coffee and eats lettuce") so started adding a splash of milk. I've never really experienced coffee drinks beyond adding cinnamon and a little milk, but wow...this latte to my coffee to a whole new level. This will be repeated!


I worked in Starbucks for a while so have made loads of different drinks, but never tried most of them- what do you guys recommend I try?


This is the view of the castle through the Starbucks window:

Lol- you can see my reflection :P (and Sam- that's the sofa you should be sitting on!)

My morning also included this bowl of delicious wonder...

In da mix...

• 1/3 cup oats
• skim milk
• banana
• vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup pumpkin
• 1/2 tbsp peanut butter drizzled on top

Love it.

Have a great day everyone!

Pushing Limits and Setting Boundaries

I tossed and turned all night, unable to stay asleep for more than half an hour at a time. I was annoyed with myself for a few reasons, and worried about friends and that I had stepped on people's toes yesterday.

I got up around 5am and sat smoking and drinking coffee and thinking. I was reading my old posts from when I was very active in eating disorders message boards where there are a lot of people not even contemplating recovery, and the shift in focus on my blog when my attention was drawn to the more recovery orientated blogging community.

I guess I am scared that I look to blogs a little too much for support and motivation, and I am worried that MY recovery is going to be dependant on other people's. Of course, that will never work- I need to OWN my recovery and be doing it for ME. Doing it for myself isn't the same as doing it by myself and I need to figure out a way to set some boundaries with myself regarding where I draw the line between using support whilst still remaining independently recovering. Does that make any sense?..

This is definitely an issue I have struggled with in the past- doing what everyone around me is doing because...well, if they can do it, so can I. It's hard for me to separate myself from anyone/everyone around me, and do what is right for ME- especially when I am struggling and either looking for justification for my behaviour, or reason to change. It's also been hard for me to feel good about myself/where I am when I go down the road of comparing myself to people who I was at school with and are now doctors/lawyers/architects, married, happy.

Essentially I think the problem is that I have no idea who I am, what I want or where I am going and I'm trying too hard to fit in where I perhaps don't really belong. Part of this is the huge ambivalence I apparently have towards recovery- don't get me wrong, I WANT to be free from anorexia, but struggle a lot with giving up the behaviours. for this reason, I don't fit in with the friends I have that don't want to get well, and I don't fit in with the friends I have who are actively making changes because I'm somewhere in between.

I have a tendency to put people on pedestals and give myself permission to eat/stop exercising/do XYZ because that is what my role models do and I really struggle to stay focused on my recovery when I see that the people I look up to are human too. And that's perfectly OKAY- the problem isn't THEM, it's my perception. I am fully aware of this.

This is not a criticism of anyone in particular, except myself- not even criticism so PLEASE don't see it that way. Merely an observance of my own thoughts, feelings, actions and a look at where I am right now. Food and weight issues aside, there is a hell of a lot of work I need to be doing with regards to recovery.

Anyway, onto my fun stuff...


Cheese is a bit of a "fear food" for me, so I decided I was going to incorporate it somehow into today's food. What did I come up with?

Apple cheddar oatmeal.

In the mix:

• 1/3 cup oats cooked in water
• apple
• cinnamon
• 1oz cheddar

I've never had apples with cheese before, but heard it was good- and it WAS! Love sweet + savoury combinations! Close up of the mixed-up cheesy goodness...


And due to Clif-burnout, a new snack :)



And finally, a quote I came across this morning...

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
- Ambrose Redmoon

There's No Place Like Home

Thank you so much for the well-wishes for my move! This is my first post from my new home... I am in the midst of unpacking, but after the initial stresses of getting the boiler working, electricity turned on, etc, my anxiety started to ease. As soon as I was set up with my laptop and coffee I felt much happier.

What makes you all feel you are "home"?

For me, having moved around so much over the last few years, there are a few things which really make me feel at ease with wherever I am. First and foremost, my coffee- made MY way, in MY mug. Second of all, my laptop. I take so much comfort in visiting the websites/blogs I love- I'm not sure what it is, and maybe it IS due to moving so much and having so much upheaval in "real life" but there is something very soothing about being in familiar places and I guess I get that from my computer at times (also dance studios- they are all basically the same set up/floors/mirrors so whenever I am travelling and feel unsettled/homesick, a dance studio provides that comfort factor). Lastly, my big baggy cosy sweatshirt. I actually have about 3 that I can throw on when I walk in the door, snuggle into and automatically feel my body relax, my mind refocus and I feel "together" again.

Another thing I want to share: it is almost 6pm and I haven't written in my food log yet!!! I have had most of my meals, prepared dinner and haven't even really kept a tally on my eating today because I've been so busy running up and down the stairs unloading the car, dashing around the neighbourhood picking up random groceries, etc. I am exhausted, but so incredibly happy right now. I've only been here a few hours so far and already it feels more like home than anywhere else I have stayed over the course of the last few years.

Of course, I unpacked the essentials first...


And my intuition was on top form today!


And of course I had to test out my can opener and microwave! Pumpkin banana peanut butter oats- I've missed this! In the mix:

• oats
• milk
• vanilla
• cinnamon
• banana

Topped with PB & Co. smooth operator peanut butter!

I also put a couple things up on my bedroom wall...

Hope everyone else's week is getting off to a smooth (operator!) start!