Safety Zone Or Prison?

I've talked a lot over the past few days about finding what works and sticking with it. I'm starting to wonder how good an idea this actually is- if something is going well, why take the risk of shaking things up an branching into new territory? I think I am running the risk of falling into an unnecessarily strict routine out of fear of what *might* happen if I try something new. There is a balance between accepting things as they are, and knowing when to push that little bit further and see if the 'limits' can be stretched further. Stepping out of a safety zone feels scary and almost unnecessary, but on the other hand, a 'safety zone' can end up feeling more suffocating than comforting.

I like routines. I like to know what's happening in advance, I like to plan ahead and I like to be prepared. I like scientific and mathematical solutions to problems - 'x = 2y' makes sense to me. Life isn't like that. Life demands a level of flexibility- an ability to adapt, to change, to grow. There is nothing WRONG with routines in themselves, except when they get to a point where they become ingrained to the point where going with the 'flow' of life becomes too challenging. Isn't that what life is about? Trying new things, experimenting, discovering, learning?

This is all prompted by me opening my fridge this morning and realising it's virtually empty, having already bought all the food I need for this week. No, I'm not planning on not eating (!), but I am trying to use up more of the stash of food in my freezer right now (which means a lot of boring/repetitive meals for the next couple of weeks). Common sense? Perhaps. I could also very easily fall into the habit of eating the same things over and over again until I find myself scared to break out of what has become a completely rigid routine.

What are your thoughts on 'doing what works' versus taking leaps of faith and trying new things? Do you consider yourself to be someone who likes routine/predictability or do you prefer 'winging-it' and seeing where life takes you?

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

- Grey's Anatomy

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I did want to try a new twist on my breakfast this morning: blueberry and cream oats!

I cooked up plain oats (in water), then swirled them in with blueberries and fromage frais. This was REALLY good- exact same ingredients as yesterday's breakfast, but a whole bunch of different textures/flavours. I don't recommend this if you like your oatmeal really hot though! Frozen blueberries and cold yogurt drop the temperature :P

Today is the last day for submissions to Katie's new food challenge ...

Okay, I don't know much about sprouts. A sprout is a sprout to me- I've only ever eaten alfalfa sprouts before and assumed they were all pretty much identical. WRONG! The radish sprouts were purple (which automatically makes them cool in my opinion) but they had a completely different taste- much more of a 'kick' than alfalfa which...hehe, taste like grass (and yes, I have eaten grass!)

The spiciness of the sprouts got pretty lost once mixed up with my fiesta salad (tuna, rice, kidney beans, salsa) but still looked pretty!

PURPLE! I want to try some other sprouts now- any recommendations?

HUGE congratulations to everyone who ran yesterday. I caught part of the Edinburgh Marathon today and now that I've read so much more about what actually goes on in training/preparation for such a feat, I have nothing but respect for all of you runners out there. This afternoon is going to be spent catching up with blogs to read recaps!

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- can you believe tomorrow is the first of JUNE?! Where is this year going?

Somewhere Between Black and White...

...there lies a vanilla latte.



More on this later...

A comment on yesterday's post made me really think about this "all or nothing" mentality I have. Particularly around the current issue of my routine. I seem to feel the need to structure literally every single minute of my life, or throw all my rules out the window and have no structure to my days at all. Part of the problem is that I don't really *have* a focus right now, so I have put in place my own timetable to give my day some kind of purpose and meaning. Which is pretty meaningless (seriously- how much satisfaction do I get from having half a cup of coffee at precisely 'x o' clock'?)

There definitely is something to be said for having a life worth living. Reasons to get out of bed each morning, a purpose to every day life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to DO with my life, what form I want my existence to take. Right here, right now, I'm struggling to fill my time with things that aren't to do with weight/food/exercise. I don't know if spending so much time in hospital has something to do with this- several years of being told when I can and cannot eat/sleep/smoke/pee must have had some kind of impact to my institutionalised style of living? Maybe. Maybe not.

I find it really hard to know WHAT to do with my time if it's not all mapped out for me. I get security and comfort from knowing exactly what's happening and when, but "life" isn't about abiding my arbitrary rules and regulations- it's about pursuing passions, spontaneity, enjoyment, meaning. So yes, security and comfort, but it's suffocating and exhausting. I forget to schedule in relaxation or leisure. When I have additional structure (school/work/appointments), I forget to schedule in life-sustaining things like food/sleep (sounds bizarre, but it's been my biggest downfall when I HAVE been working or studying- eating and sleep aren't on the top of my priority list).

What do you guys do when you have a day with nothing planned How do you fill your time?

Anyway, more on this another time most probably.

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This weekend, the lovely Sam and I compiled lists of "fear foods" we are going to tackle together. Our lists were pretty similar, and today we decided to take the "liquid calorie" challenge. I have an intense fear of being hungry (oh, the irony...) so I avoid calories in liquid form because I am scared that my body won't recognise it as "fuel" and I'll miss the sensation of eating solid food. Today I faced that fear. The original plan was to have a frappuccino, but after walking to Starbucks in the snow, something hot was much needed! Actually lattes are more of a challenge for me because frappuccinos are semi-solid. It was absolutely delicious. Warm and sweet and comforting. I forced myself to drink black coffee for years, then decided that was too cliche ("the anorexic who drinks black coffee and eats lettuce") so started adding a splash of milk. I've never really experienced coffee drinks beyond adding cinnamon and a little milk, but wow...this latte to my coffee to a whole new level. This will be repeated!


I worked in Starbucks for a while so have made loads of different drinks, but never tried most of them- what do you guys recommend I try?


This is the view of the castle through the Starbucks window:

Lol- you can see my reflection :P (and Sam- that's the sofa you should be sitting on!)

My morning also included this bowl of delicious wonder...

In da mix...

• 1/3 cup oats
• skim milk
• banana
• vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup pumpkin
• 1/2 tbsp peanut butter drizzled on top

Love it.

Have a great day everyone!

Intuition Knocking At The Door

Kath posted her thoughts on the book Intuitive Eating and it's gotten me thinking about where I am with that. I, like a lot of people with eating disorders, really struggle to listen to my body and know when I need to eat, what I *want* to eat (versus what anorexia wants). I am fascinated by the concept of intuitive eating. I watch little kids eating- pushing away their plates when they have had enough, asking for food when their body is hungry, knowing what tastes good to them at that moment.

I was brought up in a pretty strict household when it came to food/meals. We ate dinner together with pressure to clean our plates ("what you don't eat will be breakfast tomorrow"), desserts and treats were rare, what my parents deemed as "junk food" rarely made an appearance in our house. I don't know whether I should be grateful for this, or whether I agree with this. I don't think it had any major impact on me or my eating disorder, but I guess I never really got a chance to be intuitive and listen to my body.

Since I developed anorexia, I have become increasingly rigid around what I will/won't eat. Certain foods trigger certain memories/feelings- not all "bad" (there are foods I won't eat simply because it reminds me of my lowest points), and treatment has helped somewhat in widening the variety in my diet, though also contributing on some level to the structure I maintain around meals (ie, we ate set amounts at set times, were encouraged to stick to meal plans when we left and branching away from our set plans wasn't allowed). I have improved a lot with this- the last inpatient treatment I was in didn't adhere to a rigid meal plan- it worked by calories, not exchanges, so allowed a little more flexibility. We had rough guidelines but were encouraged to really break out of our comfort zones, try new foods, face "fear foods" head on and discover what we enjoyed eating.

So where does this leave me?..

I still follow a pretty set plan of times I eat, types of food I eat. I've improved, but am in no way an "intuitive eater". I guess I am confused about when is a good time to try being more flexible. I am not in a place physically where I can afford to lose any weight, my current intake is adequate for maintenance, though only just. I guess the pitfall of breaking away from a meal plan is the risk of being too tuned into what anorexia is saying, as opposed to being in tune with what the real *me* wants.

Has anyone got advice about this? Has anyone successfully transitioned from a meal plan to a more intuitive way of eating?

My biggest fear is that I'll suddenly want to eat anything/everything. I honestly don't know if I am hungry or full- I eat according to the clock, and I eat the amount I planned. I've started switching things up a little (ie, 3pm rolls around and I decide I'd rather have granola + yogurt than a protein bar) but beyond that, I don't know when is a good time to start experimenting.