Learning From The Start

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on intuitive eating- seems to be something a lot of us struggle with. I wonder how many people truly eat intuitively? I think kids set a great example of knowing when they are hungry/full, and making it clear what they like and don't like.
What was your experience with food when you were growing up?

I was brought up eating a pretty healthy and varied diet- all the kids at school would bring chips/cookies for break time, and I would have tubs of dried fruit and mushrooms! We all sat down to meals at home together and were expected to finish what we were given without any arguments complaints about what was served. This was good because it meant I tried a lot of things most kids probably don't eat regularly (snails!), but on the other hand, I think it makes it harder now because eating intuitively/according to what my body asks for has never been encouraged.

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Last night I cooked!


Quorn fillets chopped up in tomato sauce with laughing cow cheese melted in, mixed with pasta. My obsession with quorn is growing... There are so many things you can do with this stuff! I love that it's high in protein, but soy free, and so much cheaper than meat/fish. It has more flavour itself than tofu, but also takes on the taste of whatever it is cooked with.

This morning's breakfast was...a challenge.


Mini chocolate and raisin oatibix with skimmed milk and sliced banana.

Looks ugly innocent enough, and was certainly 'safe'- the challenge refers to yesterday's post about my fear of being hungry. I usually make sure to get a decent amount of protein and fiber, along with a little fat at breakfast- just what seems to work best for me. This meal was much more "carb" based and I was really scared of a repeat of yesterday morning's horrible empty feeling (I have no issues with consuming carbohydrates, I just prefer my meals to be more balanced). The verdict? I need to trust my body more! I really liked this breakfast and was just as comfortable afterwards as my other breakfasts: moral of the story? Some days different nutrients are required for different purposes. Today this worked.

Lunch was a protein packed FIESTA!


I have decided to call this a 'burrito bowl'. For no other reason than that it contains salsa. It isn't in a bowl, and although I've never been, doubt very much that it's anything LIKE what Chipotle serve...good nonetheless. In the mix: tuna, kidney beans, rice and salsa on a bed of spinach and alfalfa sprouts.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend- what have you got planned for Memorial Day?

Choosing The Unbeaten Path

As part of my "intuitive eating" goal, I've been thinking a lot about the foods I used to eat pre-eating disorder in an attempt to get back in touch with the foods I genuinely enjoy. Of course, taste buds change over time (cold hot dogs no longer appeal!) but some of my old favourites still stand. A recent conversation with Lee also got me thinking about foods I ate in the depths of my eating disorder- not necessarily "disordered" foods per se, but in the context of my diet at the time, they certainly were. I shy away from these foods now because they remind me of a time when I was actively trying to destroy myself, and no matter how much I might still enjoy them, I can't shake off what they represent to me these days.

This has sparked a whole load of thoughts about the strong links between food and emotions, I think everyone can probably name certain foods that they see as comforting or that evoke certain memories (good or bad) and it's difficult to break away from that and see the food for all that it is, because it represents so much more.

Back to the intuitive eating goal, I am finding it really difficult to even KNOW what I enjoy eating. Taste, texture, etc- I am only now starting to rediscover my likes and dislikes and am trying to stay in the present moment and see it as "just a snack/meal" without thinking further into the last time I ate it/what else I ate that day/where I was in my disorder (or recovery) at the time. It's really HARD!

But, I think it ultimately comes down to CHOICE. I didn't choose to get sick, but I have choices now whether I push these memories aside and make new ones, whether I allow these memories/fears to dictate my choices or if I acknowledge the fear, bite the bullet and EAT IT ANYWAY. regardless of how I might feel during or after, regardless of what I ate for breakfast this time last year, regardless of whether it's raining/my ankle hurts/it's winter.

Recovery is a choice. A choice I have to consciously make, countless times every day. Each time my body sends me a signal saying it needs fuel/rest/exercise. Each time a thought pops into my head about calories, weight or the desire to fall headfirst into anorexia. I need to remind myself that I am CHOOSING to make healthy choices. It's not easy by any means and I can only hope that in time it will get easier.

I see it like this: imagine walking through a forest. You are walking down a beaten down path because it seems the obvious route. You know that it's potentially dangerous and going in the completely wrong direction, but it's the easier option that starting the arduous task of beating down your OWN path which will be hard work, but end up where you want to be going. So you start beating down your own path and start hiking. You get tired, you stray to the other a few times- but the more skilled you get at maneuvering your way through the branches and trees, the easier it gets. The thrill you then start getting from making a brand new path starts to outweigh the short-term benefit of the old path. Initially you need to really FORCE yourself to stick with your goal destination and keep ploughing down the trees...but over time, the old path holds no appeal.

So tell me: what path are you taking today, and what steps are you taking towards your destination?

On to pictures... :)



My beloved Bare Naked fruit and nut granola (I LOVE this stuff but can't get it in the UK so am rationing my sole bag for a once-a-week thing) with microwaved apple and fage...ah...




And, snackity-snack. I actually had a different bar in my hand, camera posed, then realised I wanted vanilla almond goodness! This is my LAST Luna sunrise bar- and damn, it was good! Things taste so much better when it's the specific thing you WANT!



And another collage I found whilst unpacking:



This is actually tiny (fits in my purse). I made it a few years ago when I was on a day program and struggling a lot- it opens up and on the left-hand side has a list of the "cons" of recovery and on the right-hand side is the "pros". I know it's important to focus on the "pros" but I also think it's important to recognise that anorexia has served a certain purpose for me, and it would be naive of me to just ignore that and pretend it isn't there. Because the cons DO exist (hence the ambivalence towards recovery for most sufferers at one point or another) and I think it's vital to look at and address these. As long as the pros outweigh the cons, it's all good :)

There's No Place Like Home

Thank you so much for the well-wishes for my move! This is my first post from my new home... I am in the midst of unpacking, but after the initial stresses of getting the boiler working, electricity turned on, etc, my anxiety started to ease. As soon as I was set up with my laptop and coffee I felt much happier.

What makes you all feel you are "home"?

For me, having moved around so much over the last few years, there are a few things which really make me feel at ease with wherever I am. First and foremost, my coffee- made MY way, in MY mug. Second of all, my laptop. I take so much comfort in visiting the websites/blogs I love- I'm not sure what it is, and maybe it IS due to moving so much and having so much upheaval in "real life" but there is something very soothing about being in familiar places and I guess I get that from my computer at times (also dance studios- they are all basically the same set up/floors/mirrors so whenever I am travelling and feel unsettled/homesick, a dance studio provides that comfort factor). Lastly, my big baggy cosy sweatshirt. I actually have about 3 that I can throw on when I walk in the door, snuggle into and automatically feel my body relax, my mind refocus and I feel "together" again.

Another thing I want to share: it is almost 6pm and I haven't written in my food log yet!!! I have had most of my meals, prepared dinner and haven't even really kept a tally on my eating today because I've been so busy running up and down the stairs unloading the car, dashing around the neighbourhood picking up random groceries, etc. I am exhausted, but so incredibly happy right now. I've only been here a few hours so far and already it feels more like home than anywhere else I have stayed over the course of the last few years.

Of course, I unpacked the essentials first...


And my intuition was on top form today!


And of course I had to test out my can opener and microwave! Pumpkin banana peanut butter oats- I've missed this! In the mix:

• oats
• milk
• vanilla
• cinnamon
• banana

Topped with PB & Co. smooth operator peanut butter!

I also put a couple things up on my bedroom wall...

Hope everyone else's week is getting off to a smooth (operator!) start!

New Beginnings

First of all, a HUGE thank you to elle for awarding me this:


I'd like to pass it on to:

• Sam- her strength and courage is truly admirable
• Elise- a fellow New Yorker lover (and apparently my foodie-twin!)
• Lara- another UK blogger originally from the US
• Sarah- for her determination, kind thoughts and strength

Today is MOVING DAY, finally! This is a rather rushed post- I am still running around throwing last minute items into my already over-flowing bags and boxes! I don't have electricity in my apartment right now (!) so no idea when my next post will be, but THANK YOU for your feedback and thoughts on yesterday's post. I'm not quite sure what I am going to do yet, but my goal of intuitive eating for my afternoon snack is staying, and I WILL find a way to conquer the challenge. Awareness is the first step to change! Today is a BIG step for me and I am determined to start as I mean to go on. One bedroom apartment and NO room for anorexia!

Have a fabulous Monday everyone!

Sneaky, Sneaky...

I have a kind of confession to make. Actually, it's not even a confession as I didn't really realise until today what was going on. Basically, as most of you know, I made an agreement with my therapist on Tuesday to be more intuitive when it comes to choosing my afternoon snack and listen more to what I WANT to eat, rather than just what feels safe/fits into my "plan". I thought I was doing pretty well- and I HAVE been, but here's the thing: since I was IP a few years ago, I have been keeping a food log. It started innocently enough- I genuinely wanted to leave treatment knowing what to eat/what fears I had conquered and use to keep me on track. That kind of fell by the way-side, but the food log has remained. Anyway, I generally write down my day's food just before I eat my snack (can we say, rigid routine? *bangs head* ) and so have an idea of my day's intake and then pick according to what "fits" in calorie-wise to the rest of the day's meals. It IS progress on one hand- I have NOT been planning obsessively, and am basing my choice at least PARTLY on what I want (as well as what meets ED requirements) but I really need to kick things up a notch this week.

Anybody got ideas? I was thinking maybe do my food log at the END of each day. I don't know if I am quite ready to stop that altogether right now, but delaying it might solve this particular problem?

Anyway, onto food...

Any guesses what this is?..


Yup- my breakfast non-cookie again. It's really unlike me to go so many days in a row without regular oatmeal, but am trying to use things up before I move (tomorrow!) I swear it tastes better than it looks!


Snack- all these realisations with the food log, etc came when I was writing it, and it took me a moment to just say, "shut up- let ME choose what I WANT" and what did I want? OATMEAL. I've missed you baby! I usually eat plain oats and add my own mix-ins, but keep the flavoured ones around for snacks. Found a chocolate chip pack when I was packing and decided that topping it with Fage was what I really wanted!


And I have to show you a photo of my dinner since tomato sauce is quite literally the only thing I can cook! Served with spinach and ricotta tortellini. A recent discovery and I LOVE it. So quick and easy, not to mention delicious!


And a few of another placemate I made in treatment a few years ago...

Fun and Felafel!

I hope everyone is having a good weekend so far!

Today's been a pretty typical Saturday for me. I went for my usual walk, went to the few grocery stores I frequent, and just did the same stuff I do every day. I was eating lunch and realised that it's been a REALLY long time since I did something "fun". I don't know if my definition of what is/isn't enjoyable is somewhat skewed by my eating disorder (I would opt for grocery shopping over a movie ANY day) but then the more I thought about it, the more I saw a connection between my interests and my isolation.

I have a hard time with concentration so don't do a lot of the things I used to love- movies, reading, etc. I don't actually do much with my time at ALL except food-related activities. I think I really need to make a concerted effort to start at least trying to incorporate new things into my life in an attempt to discover what is truly enjoyable for me. I also struggle with feeling guilty for having fun when I feel like I "should" be doing something more productive/constructive with my time than *gasp* daring to have fun. Anyone else struggle with this? I guess relaxing/enjoyment isn't high on my list of priorities because there is always something that seems more pressing to be doing... Whether it's cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry, I can't seem to switch off and just CHILL for 5 minutes to watch something on Youtube, never mind spend an afternoon going shopping and drinking coffee with friends.

Dancing is out for now, and exercise is probably not the best idea at this point, but I want to know what you do to relax and enjoy yourself? All ideas welcome- I move into my new place on Monday and it's a FRESH start and not going to be bogged down with eating disordered thoughts/activities ruling my days!

Having said that, I am having a LOT of fun with my camera. Yes, so far the majority of the pictures have been of food (which I promised myself I wouldn't do), but you know what? I'm okay with it for now. I think it's a positive thing for me to be putting more effort and thought into the presentation of my meals, and I am finding that by doing so, I am spending more time appreciating my food and having fun with my camera, rather than the usual guilt and anxiety that surrounds meals.

So, today's food...

Breakfast was my beloved cinnamon coffee (just regular coffee with lots of cinnamon and a splash of milk) and more baked oatmeal. I have no idea why it gets so frothy! Anyone else's do this?



Other eats included this GREAT felafel- it's a Morrocan inspired one from one of the big grocery stores here. Highly recommend it to any UK people out there- I love sweet + savoury combinations and the dried apricots in this are delicious :)



And as for the "plan not to plan", today's snack was a cookie dough balance bar- MUCH better than yesterday's Atkins cookie dough bar (though how wrong can you really go when it's COOKIE DOUGH?!)


Aaaaand...my disclaimer: everything pictured has been eaten, not everything I have eaten has been pictured. ;)

Keeping It In Perspective

I'm glad that you guys also found it helpful to think about all the amazing things our bodies are doing that we don't necessarily see or feel. Of course, a properly fueled car doesn't run and neither does a malnourished body- but really, our bodies don't care as much as our minds might lead us to believe whether we pick a meal one day that is ever-so-slightly more/less or one thing or another than our norm. I definitely preach that all foods are absolutely 'A-okay' in moderation, I just sometimes need to remind myself that this applies to me too! A slightly lower protein snack one day, or a slightly higher fat breakfast another day? It's all good. Our bodies benefit greatly from having a wide variety of foods and I am thinking that it's most definitely a GOOD thing to be branching out and broadening my horizon's a bit.

So in what form did that take today? I have pictures! PLEASE NOTE: this is NOT an all-inclusive list of my entire day's eats...just some of the things I ate whilst trying to listen to what I "wanted" more than selecting foods based on their nutritional profile!

A "breakfast cookie" a la ellie! Chopped and microwaved apple mixed with Branberry Muesli and Fage, and left to set in the fridge.


I'd planned to have an Amy's burrito for lunch, but last-minute executive decision resulted in a veggie burger (and yes, the bagel was as stale as it looks- am out of my usual bread and still attempting to use up food before I move on Monday!)


And as for how "plan not to plan" went, today's pick was...


As Veggiegirl would say, HOLY YUM! I love these bars- this is my favourite flavour, chocolate deluxe being a close second. I noticed a few other bloggers ate this yesterday too- great minds, people!

For those who asked about the baked oatmeal yesterday, Kath bakes hers in a round pan as far as I know, but I use a square one since our round ones aren't deep enough!

The Cheek Of It!

I want to feel proud of choosing something that I was craving for my snack this afternoon. But I don't. It's almost 4 hours later and all of a sudden, my head is spinning about what a stupid choice I made, that I should have picked something higher in protein, blah, blah, blah. All that really really important stuff. Because one small snack in the grand scheme of my diet is really the "make or break" of my day/week/life/the WORLD. Lol.

I am fully aware that my thinking right now is irrational. I am not acting on these thoughts- hell, there's not much I can do right at this moment. There's nothing I even want to do/have an urge to do (except write, obviously!)

I have been trying to distract myself by thinking about the human body as a whole. All the amazing things it does- some we are conscious of (thinking, feeling, etc), some we don't see/feel (cell production, osmosis, all that biology malarkey).

Did you know...

• In one day, a human sheds 10 billion skin flakes. This amounts to approximately two kilograms in a year.
• Every square inch of the human body has about 19,000,000 skin cells.
• Every hour one billion cells in the body must be replaced.
• The human body makes anywhere from 1 to 3 pints of saliva every 24 hours.
• The human body has approximately 37,000 miles of capillaries.
• The aorta, which is largest artery located in the body, is about the diameter of a garden hose.
• The adult human body requires about 88 pounds of oxygen daily.

Pretty amazing, right? So while I am sitting here panicking about eating a snack bar that is slightly lower in protein than my regular picks, my body is doing all kinds of amazing stuff. I wasn't thinking about this earlier- I was thinking about what food sounded good at that moment. My body told me, and I responded. Who am I to question the signs my body sends? Or more to the point, who is anorexia to know what my body needs to function best?

Edited to say: the focus of my blog has changed quite a bit since starting (more so in the recent couple of months) and I thought a new layout was needed. Plus, if I am including pictures, I have a hard enough time taking decent ones without them having to "match" a bright pink background! Let me know what you think!

The Plan Not To Plan

Today was the first day of making a real effort to listen to what my body was saying when it came to selecting a snack this afternoon. So what did my body say? Why, peanut butter of course! An apple peanut butter bar to be precise:


I haven't seen these much in the blogging community, but I love them. I definitely prefer them to lara bars (don't hate!), though having said that, I didn't like it much the first time I tried it so maybe should give lara another go... This was a great snack and definitely filled my "what am I in the mood for?" criteria.

I am still playing with my camera whilst also making the most of my mom's oven whilst I am still here- my new place does have an oven, but I'm not sure how soon I'll figure it out. I swear, kitchen appliances seem to have personalities of their own and it takes me a while to get to "know" my cookers! Haha... So, courtesy of Kath, I made banana baked oatmeal.

Putting it together:

Post-bake:

Ta-da!..
Highly recommend this recipe- I've made it a few times and love it!

Why Hello Body- what are you saying?

Therapy went well. More often than not, we talk about issues other than *me* and today we ended up talking about the law that was passed in NY state regarding nutritional information being printed on menus. This lead into her bringing up the subject of intuition (M- are you reading my blog?! :P ) and body cues, the practical aspect of "listening to your body" (ie, you may feel like cooking a roast chicken at 8am but have to rush to work).

I spoke about yesterday's entry and what my thoughts on intuitive eating were and where I stand with that. She agreed that now probably isn't a good time for me to completely stray away from my plan, but we talked a lot about how I feel after eating certain foods. I explained that I had noticed a difference in satiety and energy since switching things around a little (helloooo peanut butter- where have you been all these years?!) and how certain foods seem to leave me feeling kind of drained/dizzy a few hours later (I have blood sugar issues).

She also told me about a study that was done with children under the age of 5, monkeys and rats: basically, for 1 week, they were allowed to eat as much or as little of any kind of foods they wanted. The children, for the first 2-3 days, ate nothing more than sugary snack foods. After the first few days, they veered towards much more balanced meals and snacks. Over the course of the week, their diets were completely balanced and included all food groups. Point being, that yes- initially you may want lots of the things you generally don't eat much off/see as "forbidden"/restrict, but if you listen to your body, it will soon tell you what it wants/needs.

So, I have decided, not to completely "free style" with my meal plan, but to stop planning what I am going to have for my afternoon snack. This is pretty big for me. I have been switching things up a little bit, but still sticking to certain "requirements" (calories, protein...all that lovely stuff my body loves). BUT, my overall diet is balanced enough to allow some flexibility with this one snack. It sounds really small when I write it down, but it's going to be an experiment with me listening to what *I* want to eat- taste, texture, etc, without obsessing for 2 hours about how much of xxx I need to make my jigsaw of a meal plan add up to exactly what my brain says is "okay".

Today's choice: a pumpkin spice Clif bar

Good call, body...good call.

Edited to add: I am still having trouble trying to post comments on your blogs- not sure what is going on, but rest assured I am reading and thinking of you all! Normal responses will resume when the technical side of blogosphere is restored to it's usual state.

Intuition Knocking At The Door

Kath posted her thoughts on the book Intuitive Eating and it's gotten me thinking about where I am with that. I, like a lot of people with eating disorders, really struggle to listen to my body and know when I need to eat, what I *want* to eat (versus what anorexia wants). I am fascinated by the concept of intuitive eating. I watch little kids eating- pushing away their plates when they have had enough, asking for food when their body is hungry, knowing what tastes good to them at that moment.

I was brought up in a pretty strict household when it came to food/meals. We ate dinner together with pressure to clean our plates ("what you don't eat will be breakfast tomorrow"), desserts and treats were rare, what my parents deemed as "junk food" rarely made an appearance in our house. I don't know whether I should be grateful for this, or whether I agree with this. I don't think it had any major impact on me or my eating disorder, but I guess I never really got a chance to be intuitive and listen to my body.

Since I developed anorexia, I have become increasingly rigid around what I will/won't eat. Certain foods trigger certain memories/feelings- not all "bad" (there are foods I won't eat simply because it reminds me of my lowest points), and treatment has helped somewhat in widening the variety in my diet, though also contributing on some level to the structure I maintain around meals (ie, we ate set amounts at set times, were encouraged to stick to meal plans when we left and branching away from our set plans wasn't allowed). I have improved a lot with this- the last inpatient treatment I was in didn't adhere to a rigid meal plan- it worked by calories, not exchanges, so allowed a little more flexibility. We had rough guidelines but were encouraged to really break out of our comfort zones, try new foods, face "fear foods" head on and discover what we enjoyed eating.

So where does this leave me?..

I still follow a pretty set plan of times I eat, types of food I eat. I've improved, but am in no way an "intuitive eater". I guess I am confused about when is a good time to try being more flexible. I am not in a place physically where I can afford to lose any weight, my current intake is adequate for maintenance, though only just. I guess the pitfall of breaking away from a meal plan is the risk of being too tuned into what anorexia is saying, as opposed to being in tune with what the real *me* wants.

Has anyone got advice about this? Has anyone successfully transitioned from a meal plan to a more intuitive way of eating?

My biggest fear is that I'll suddenly want to eat anything/everything. I honestly don't know if I am hungry or full- I eat according to the clock, and I eat the amount I planned. I've started switching things up a little (ie, 3pm rolls around and I decide I'd rather have granola + yogurt than a protein bar) but beyond that, I don't know when is a good time to start experimenting.