Up and Down and Round Again

"Know that when your mind keeps throwing up

roadblocks, you can just drive straight through them"

aah...the best quotes come from "Scrubs", don't ya think? :P (any other fans out there?)

So after yesterday's post, I was feeling pretty empowered. It felt good to put into words more about the real me beneath my eating disorder. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I woke up this morning in a complete daze. The world seemed grey and foggy, despite the very un-Scottish sunshine. Shapes were merging into one and other, the world was tilting at funny angles. I could see people's lips moving as they talked, but nothing seemed to make sense. Everything felt foreign and threatening.

Most of today has been pretty difficult. Not because it's Easter- my family are Jewish so busy with Passover festivities and I have spent much of the last few days by myself, avoiding any/all celebrations.

It's been difficult because of the ever-constant obsessing about food/calories/weight/numbers. I get like this sometimes- usually when I am tired or overwhelmed. I usually spend an evening frantically writing out lists, go to bed and feel better once I wake up. This hasn't eased up since the other night- sleep isn't helping, distractions aren't helping. NOTHING seems to be helping and I am frustrated beyond belief at how this electricity is pulsing through my brain. My head hurts, my notepads are filled, my meal plans torn up and rewritten a zillion times (sorry trees!)

I really don't know quite what to try at this point so I am going to cut to the chase and say exactly where I am at with this right now.

I know I need to change/increase what I am eating. I have gotten my head around accepting that fact. So what is stopping me? Partly very stupid reasons. The "safe" fall-back food I eat comes in a can and was on special offer a while ago- that's partly why I have been eating it every day. I must have bought about 60 of these damn things. I still have 18 left...so by my logic, I should keep things the same for the next 18 days. Then I toyed with the idea of changing one of my other meals- but again, I stocked up on the items and have enough for another 3 weeks.

Two problems:

1) I have rewritten a decent meal plan when I was calm/rational, and it does NOT include these "safe" foods. It's not an overly scary meal plan in itself, but I have very particular associations now with these certain foods and I think it's best to avoid them completely for a while.

2) I hate wasting food- granted, these are canned/boxed items and good for a loooooooong time, but I get anxious having food around if I am not "scheduled" to eat it.

So that's where things stand. I HAVE a decent meal plan set-up, but am all stocked up for the next while for the current plan. The plan that is making me feel like crap mentally/physically (it's NOT an "restriction" plan, but is certainly not adequate in terms of nutrients, calories, etc for my body).

Then there is the whole fear of changing things and getting rid of my current staple foods (despite the fact that I am sick to death of them and actually feel like crying at the thought of one.more.damn.bite.of.this.crap).

It's so hard to step back and be rational when it comes to food. There is so much emotion tied into it, so many implications of eating- it's not as straightforward as just eating what tastes good/makes me feel good. The foods I enjoy are harder because I question whether I deserve to enjoy food and start feeling like a "fraud" of an anorexic. Which is, in itself, crazy because I abhor the label and want to be free of this identity. There is also the issue of eating stuff I DON'T enjoy- it's so hard to justify it. For health? For energy? I don't, on an emotional level, feel like I personally have a need for food. Beyond the bare minimum to keep my body ticking along, and even that at times is hard to justify. It's just so bizarre to sit and write it out, read it back- I am almost laughing at how crazy this all sounds. Yet deep down, my thoughts and fears are deep-rooted and challenging them isn't so easy.

I am very tempted to just say, "f*** it"- box up the food I have bought for a time when I can incorporate them into my diet easily. Go out tomorrow and buy the foods I know I want to/need to be eating. There is so much GUILT involved spending money on food though. I am terrified of running out of food (hence the stockpiling of my staple items) and terrified of running out of money (in case I run out of food!)

Oy vey. It's Sunday night and all I want to do is curl up with my book and try to unwind. Maybe posting this and just having it "out there" (rather than jostling around my brain) will help.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter!

Butter me Up, Baby!

What a way to start the day! Oatmeal that gives you a big smile first thing!


I was looking at the list of "fear foods" that Sam and I compiled over the weekend, and realised what all the foods had in common- NOT the calorie or fat content, but the fact that I enjoy them. I don't trust myself around the foods I really like because I have this intense fear that once I start eating them, I won't be able to stop. I should point out that I have no evidence whatsoever to support this belief, but there is this very real fear that I won't be able to control myself if I give myself unconditional permission to eat these foods.


And so I stick to the same old things, occasionally trying something new (different flavour, different combination, different brand) but for the most part, rarely branch out from the things I trust myself to eat in a controlled way.


There is also something to be said for the level of guilt I have when I DO enjoy what I have eaten. I have come a long way in managing to eat beyond the minimal amounts I ate during my lowest points, but I still struggle with the idea that food is more than just a life-sustaining substance. That it can and should be enjoyed. That it's okay to want things- let alone, need things. I go back and forth in my head about whether or not I really NEED something and it's virtually impossible for me to even contemplate wants without any valid reasoning behind it.


I can justify eating my "safe" foods because for the most part, they fulfill a certain criteria- either a decent whack of protein or fibre, a hefty dose of vitamins or minerals. It's hard to eat something with a lower nutritional value purely because it tastes better. I'll pay double the price for a yogurt that I hate, just because it has 5 calories less and 3g more of protein than the one I really want.

It's absurd and although a lot of the time it makes eating easier (less anxiety/more predictable), it's not how I want to live my life.

From social occasions to every day life, food IS essential for survival, but it's more than that. It's a way to let your body know that you respect it, that you deserve to be healthy and nourished through both all the chemical reactions that take place when you digest food to your taste buds. Food is more than just fuel. I have accepted the fact that NOT eating is not an option. Now I want to learn how to enjoy food and see it as a source of fuel, energy, LIFE- but also pleasure.


So that's a goal to keep in mind.


Anyway, back to the list Sam and I made. A couple of days ago, we took on the "liquid calorie" challenge. Today was BUTTER.


I think it's a pretty British thing- if you order a turkey sandwich here, it's pretty much guaranteed to come with butter as opposed to the US where mayonnaise is standard. In hospital, toast was always served with butter (in the US, we had peanut butter, cream cheese or butter). Even burgers are served with butter instead of mayonnaise half the time! It's something I have never really eaten- growing up with a mom on a never-ending diet, it was never on our sandwiches at home and I guess I always saw it as somewhat unnecessary. But I have to admit, I DO like it. Not in huge quantities, certainly not on peanut butter sandwiches (which yes- is pretty common here!) but on toast with honey? Or on a turkey sandwich? Hell yes.


So today was the day Sam and I did our butter challenge together...


I think malt loaf is a British thing too? I never saw it in the US. It's kind of a cross between raisin bread and fruit cake. And yes, it's good with butter! I have never bought a tub of butter in my life (!) and didn't want to go there today, but this met challenge criteria.






It was REALLY good! The malt loaf is dense and chewy, and I microwaved it to melt the butter in...mmmm... Great snack. Do i feel guilty? Kind of. My brain is tied up in knots trying to figure out what the purpose was of eating it. Being my schedule "snack time" isn't cutting it- so am going to hold onto my earlier ramblings about food that tastes good is also okay to eat. Not every snack has to have 50000g of protein or 800g fibre (owch- that one might hurt :P ). Taste is now coming into the decision making process when I choose my foods and this tastes awesome. So a good enough reason, right? (uh...little reassurance here?)


What are some of your favourite tasting foods/meals? (BONUS POINTS if it's something I can manage to cook without burning my apartment down/giving myself food poisoning!)

Somewhere Between Black and White...

...there lies a vanilla latte.



More on this later...

A comment on yesterday's post made me really think about this "all or nothing" mentality I have. Particularly around the current issue of my routine. I seem to feel the need to structure literally every single minute of my life, or throw all my rules out the window and have no structure to my days at all. Part of the problem is that I don't really *have* a focus right now, so I have put in place my own timetable to give my day some kind of purpose and meaning. Which is pretty meaningless (seriously- how much satisfaction do I get from having half a cup of coffee at precisely 'x o' clock'?)

There definitely is something to be said for having a life worth living. Reasons to get out of bed each morning, a purpose to every day life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to DO with my life, what form I want my existence to take. Right here, right now, I'm struggling to fill my time with things that aren't to do with weight/food/exercise. I don't know if spending so much time in hospital has something to do with this- several years of being told when I can and cannot eat/sleep/smoke/pee must have had some kind of impact to my institutionalised style of living? Maybe. Maybe not.

I find it really hard to know WHAT to do with my time if it's not all mapped out for me. I get security and comfort from knowing exactly what's happening and when, but "life" isn't about abiding my arbitrary rules and regulations- it's about pursuing passions, spontaneity, enjoyment, meaning. So yes, security and comfort, but it's suffocating and exhausting. I forget to schedule in relaxation or leisure. When I have additional structure (school/work/appointments), I forget to schedule in life-sustaining things like food/sleep (sounds bizarre, but it's been my biggest downfall when I HAVE been working or studying- eating and sleep aren't on the top of my priority list).

What do you guys do when you have a day with nothing planned How do you fill your time?

Anyway, more on this another time most probably.

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This weekend, the lovely Sam and I compiled lists of "fear foods" we are going to tackle together. Our lists were pretty similar, and today we decided to take the "liquid calorie" challenge. I have an intense fear of being hungry (oh, the irony...) so I avoid calories in liquid form because I am scared that my body won't recognise it as "fuel" and I'll miss the sensation of eating solid food. Today I faced that fear. The original plan was to have a frappuccino, but after walking to Starbucks in the snow, something hot was much needed! Actually lattes are more of a challenge for me because frappuccinos are semi-solid. It was absolutely delicious. Warm and sweet and comforting. I forced myself to drink black coffee for years, then decided that was too cliche ("the anorexic who drinks black coffee and eats lettuce") so started adding a splash of milk. I've never really experienced coffee drinks beyond adding cinnamon and a little milk, but wow...this latte to my coffee to a whole new level. This will be repeated!


I worked in Starbucks for a while so have made loads of different drinks, but never tried most of them- what do you guys recommend I try?


This is the view of the castle through the Starbucks window:

Lol- you can see my reflection :P (and Sam- that's the sofa you should be sitting on!)

My morning also included this bowl of delicious wonder...

In da mix...

• 1/3 cup oats
• skim milk
• banana
• vanilla, cinnamon, pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup pumpkin
• 1/2 tbsp peanut butter drizzled on top

Love it.

Have a great day everyone!

Stepping Up To the Plate

Thank you for the great feedback and support on yesterday's post. I was hesitant again to post because I felt kind of stupid writing a whole long entry about a fear of cheese. At the risk of offending all the cheese fanatics out there, I'm going to say this: I don't have the time or energy to waste thinking about one particular food item. Cheese is great, but not worth spending an entire day obsessing over!

Lexi's video post yesterday got me thinking about what recovery means to me on the whole. There is SO much I want to say about this and I'm not going to even skim the surface in this post because it is such a huge topic and I have so many thoughts and goals around it. I pretty much agree with most of what Lexi said- it's NOT about just eating a cake or "eating normally". BUT, for me at least, food is an issue that needs to be addressed. I went years going to therapy and talking about my difficulties, not mentioning food, and thinking I was doing really well. It's a pretty dangerous approach if you are heavily engaging in eating disordered behaviours whilst doing that because a lot of physical damage can be done before any significant changes take place.

So I am going to talk a little more about the food aspect because it is something that I can't really afford to be ignoring right now. I have been thinking more and more about the foods I eat, the foods I avoid, the rut I am stuck in. Also about how I can talk and talk until I am blue in the face about the bigger picture of recovery and life without anorexia, but there is a limit to how much progress I can and will make as long as I stay so entrenched in my behaviours and routines.

To be completely honest, I've been struggling a lot since moving on Monday. Not so much in terms of restricting, but some of my other difficulties- eating the same things every day, hoarding food (I have a habit of stocking up on "safe foods" and this week has been spent literally packing my fridge and cupboards full of one particular item I eat for lunch every day). I'd been doing much better with variety in my diet and I'm not sure why it's become so hard again- I justify it by thinking about the cost of food: it's balanced, nutritious, pretty cheap to buy. But really? I think I am scared about moving/being independent and reverting back to what is familiar and safe.

This move is NO DOUBT a fabulous thing for me, but is definitely throwing up challenges. It's not even been a week so now is a good time for me to really look at how things have been going and what needs to change. Obviously the eating aspect is part of it. Yes it feels safe to eat the same foods every day. Yes I can then budget well, plan, etc. It's not how I want to live forever. The list of foods I feel "okay" eating is getting shorter and shorter every day, and I am not okay with that. I'm not going to lie down and let anorexia stamp all over me.

It's time to walk the walk, and start making real and concrete changes before this gets out of hand.

I took on board what you all suggested in terms of introducing fear foods back into diet, and now also have the task of adding recent staples back in- the lovely Sam suggested that her and I each make lists of some foods we avoid and set weekly goals together so I am working on that.

I'm 26 and it's time I start being an active participant in LIFE instead of wittering away my time bouncing in and out of hospital and avoiding people/situations/the world because I am afraid of what food may/may not be available.

So the tasks at hand...

• incorporate some of my recent foods back into my diet- just because I have moved apartments doesn't mean I abandon the progress I had made
• make a list of my "fear foods" and set my goals with Sam
• report back in my blog about what specific food goal I set each week and how it goes (remembering that I don't need to eat XYZ every single day, but I don't want to feel controlled by the FEAR of it)
• to not buy any more of this staple lunch item: I kid you not, I have over a month's supply, by which point, I *will* be eating a wider variety and ready for a new lunch challenge!

Anyone else want in on this weekly food goal challenge?

Now onto actual food/culinary goodness since I have pretty pictures to share :)

Breakfast today featured this cereal:

For anyone in the UK, this is great. It's little bran flakes with dried blueberries and strawberries. I'd written to the company recently and they sent me 6 boxes of me beloved cereal- THANK YOU Alex at Alara! I mixed it with chopped/microwaved apple and fage- the picture does not do the size of this justice. The apple was humongous and it was a pretty hefty cereal serving (we don't have serving sizes on most UK nutritional labels so I have free reign with no mind-twisting government guidelines to abide by!):

Snack was inspired by Lee's post about non-bar snacks- this was one of my suggestions and since I have always loved rice pudding, caught my eye in the store. I wouldn't class it as a "major" fear, but the only kinds I've had over the last few years have been low-fat/diet varieties. Still taste great (some of them do anyway!), but this looked like a good alternative to my usual snacks...

Wow. Move over diet food desserts, there's a new kid in town... This was, hands down, the best rice pudding I have ever eaten. Calorie-wise, was equivalent to most of the bars/other snacks I eat, so wasn't hugely anxiety-provoking, but I am SO glad I tried this. Sweet, creamy, vanilla-y...mmmm....what's not to like? Can't wait to check out more of this company's products!

Close-up of creamy goodness:

And just for kicks, am posting my dinner. I don't usually post my lunches and dinners because they tend to be pretty repetitive. I am, as I think I've mentioned, a terrible cook. But I can cook pasta sauce so you can bet your bottom dollar that if I *do* branch out from the norm and cook something from scratch, you guys are going to see it!

Spinach and ricotta tortellini with steamed runner beans- yes, a repeat of last week's dinner, but like I said, it's all I can cook :P

Fear? Ha! I Laugh In the Face Of Fear

First of all, I want to say thank you for your supportive comment's on yesterday's post. I was reluctant to hit the "publish" button for fear of sounding like a bitch, or completely crazy. It seems I'm not the only one who struggles with these issues and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

And, WELCOME to any new readers out there- I love it when you guys comment, even just to say "hi"!

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Onto today...

I slept really well and feel a hundred times better for it. What felt like humongous stresses yesterday don't seem like such a big deal today- it's amazing what proper rest can do for your emotional state!

Having said that, today's been filled with the obsessing/calculating stuff that hasn't been at the forefront of my mind today. The trigger? Yesterday's cheese. Yes, 1oz of cheese has my brain in a complete spin and I'm not sure why. Well, that's not entirely true. It's scaring me because I enjoyed it. *gasps in horror* What does this mean? It means I want to start including it on a regular basis. It tasted good, was a nice change from my usual foods and I want to eat it again. So WHY is this a problem?

I am scared of cheese.

When I was much younger, my mom went on a diet (she was overweight) and lost a lot of weight through a healthy meal plan. When asked how she did it, she always attributed her weight loss to cutting cheese out of her diet. I've never been a huge cheese-lover, but it's stayed ingrained in my mind that cheese is something to be avoided, that it's not a food to be eaten on a regular basis.

The truth? Cheese is a source of calcium and protein. It adds great flavour and a funky gooey texture when it melts. It's not something I love enough to WANT to eat every day, but I don't want to avoid it forever.

I think I am more scared of the fact that it tasted good. I struggle to acknowledge that there are foods I like, particularly ones that are "scary"- but that's crazy. Food isn't scary or safe or good or bad or ANY of the labels I attach to it. Food is food. Nothing more, nothing less. Some tastes better than other, some is prettier than others, some is more expensive than others. But at the end of the day, there is nothing to be scared of.

Will I eat it again? Yes. The very fact that today's turmoil has been so pertinent is a clear sign to me that I need to be facing my fears head on. I refuse to be controlled by anxieties over things that in the great context of LIFE, are no big deal.

I ate cheese pretty frequently in treatment, alongside a whole multitude of foods that I have been avoiding more and more. I still ate them during the months that followed, despite struggling and relapsing. it's been pretty recent that I have completely cut out certain foods, and looking back, I was so much happier when I had just that little bit more freedom around my meals. My head was clearer because I wasn't obsessing about it so much and my body was getting a wider variety of nutrients. I had more time to do enjoyable things because I wasn't (like today) spending hours writing lists/meal plans/panicking about a little piece of 'whatever' 2/3/4 days before.

When I was unpacking some of my things, I came across some of my old worksheets from treatment a couple of years ago. One of them was a list I had made as part of a "fear exposure therapy" group- we had to make a list of our top ten most challenging foods. I left soon after so never got round to doing the full group, but I have my list and am going to come up with my own "exposure therapy" plan to conquer these fears.

Anyone got tips on how to confront this list I have or want to join me in setting some goals around this? (shout out to PAM for our virtual snack yesterday!)

I don't want a life that revolves around anxiety over eating. I want to enjoy food without guilt or fear. I want to eat my meals and go on with my day. I want freedom.

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
- Anais Nis

A couple of food pics from today...

Raisin, date and walnut oatmeal (I swear this tastes like cookie dough once it's cooled) topped with fage and a jumbo banana:

A non-bar snack! Pumpkin spice trail mix with fromage frais. Fromage frais has been around in the UK much longer than the Greek yogurts hitting the shelves- it's much thinner/runnier, but has pretty much identical nutritional stats/taste, and is half the price. The trail mix is from Target- a friend sent me 3 bags a couple of months ago. Love it!