Doing What Works

I haven't been doing my planned reading much at all this week, but I DID do something out of the ordinary last night...


My mom is going to New York tomorrow for both her and my Grandpa's birthday- I thought homemade cards would be a nice change. Mom's love their kids artwork regardless of what it looks like (I hope- any mom's out there want to reassure me that my mom won't feel cheated out of a store bought card?!) I had so much fun lying on the floor covered in glue and sticking glittery stars all over the place! Aaaah... I think I need to invest in some finger paints!

Anyway...

Since I have been posting more about my food intake lately, I wanted to talk about it a bit. I don't post a full day's intake because I don't see that as being helpful for me right now. I have often fallen into the trap of comparing my intake to others and feeling guilty because I don't eat a clean/raw/vegan/organic diet. My diet, overall, is not unhealthy (in my opinion!). I am working on developing a healthier relationship with food- it's not about the food itself, but about the way I view it and use it. For a long time, my food has been selected primarily on nutritional content- right now the focus is more on 1) eating an adequate amount, 2) trying new things and rediscovering what I like/dislike based on taste and 3) finding out what foods make ME feel my best. I do rely a lot on protein bars and I do eat prepackaged foods pretty frequently. I don't feel 'bad' about this- for now, it's a good way for me to get the nutrition that I need whilst experimenting with different foods. I haven't seen a dietitian for about 2 years and I don't talk specifically about my meals in therapy, so I make my own plans and can discuss progress/struggles when I see my therapist.

I've toyed with the idea of becoming vegetarian again and I've considered cutting out dairy. Going 'raw' has also been on my mind- for me, at this point, none of that would be helpful because I don't think my relationship with food is healthy enough for me to cut things out without falling into restriction. I would never knock anyone who DOES choose to be vegetarian/vegan/raw- it's just not right for me/my body/my recovery.

Bottom line- I do what works for ME (which is likely different to what works for you). I eat more than some food bloggers, and less than others. My weight has been stable for a few weeks so I am obviously doing something right. Finding a balance between losing/gaining is tricky (for a lot of us, I think!) and that 'middle ground' is different for everyone.

I am only now discovering how different foods affect me mentally and physically- no way am I ready to jump headfirst into intuitively eating, but I am paying more attention to how I feel before eating and how different food choices affect my energy/satiety levels. It's a journey. I don't expect to go straight from 14 years of 'prescribed' meal plans (either by a dietitian or my eating disorder) into suddenly being able to honour my body's signals, but I am once again starting to enjoy food and see it as fuel for the life I want to live rather than as something to torture myself with.

So, food!

I wanted to try my overnight muesli with pumpkin.

Pumpkin, oats, vanilla, fromage frais topped with melted peanut butter. Verdict? It didn't taste much better than it looks! This was lacking...something. Banana maybe? I won't be rushing to make this again- I know I said I liked the cold pumpkin/cereal combination, but I've missed my pumpkin banana oats this week!

Snack was a bar that Sam sent me a while ago.

It was pretty good! I am not generally a fan of Kashi products (I know...blasphemy in the blog world!) but I loved the cinnamon flavour in this, and any bar with frosting/yogurt coating is automatically a winner in my book!

Lunch was a Coronation chicken and spinach wrap...

Coronation chicken is basically curried chicken salad- which according to Wikipedia, was created in 1953 for the Queen's coronation. Random British trivia for you! I think my wrapping skills have improved! (Another shout out to Jaime!)

And speaking of Jaime, check out her awesome giveaway!

Hard Travellin'

I woke up at 5 am this morning, and proceeded with my routine:

1. take vitamins
2. turn computer on
3. weigh myself
4. boil kettle
5. smoke cigarette
6. make coffee and drink whilst reading 3 specific blogs
7. eat breakfast
8. prepare food for dinner
9. smoke another cigarette

All of that went the same as it does pretty much any other day. 15 minutes later, I was huddled up against the wall, the floor around me scattered with paper, clutching my knees, rocking back and forth with tears pouring down my face. I felt like my brain was literally being hacked into a thousand little pieces. I kind of lost track of time amidst crying/writing/calculating/smoking. Needless to say, by 7am I had worked myself up into quite a state. I threw on the clothes I wore yesterday, grabbed my bag and left my apartment.

More time was lost.

Somewhere along my walk I decided I should buy pasta sauce. Not just ANY pasta sauce, but a single serving of plain tomato pasta sauce. I had remembered that I had 1 portion of tortellini in the freezer and suddenly decided that it would make a perfect dinner for tomorrow. I went into about 4 different supermarkets- in each one, I found the sauce and waited in line to pay. When it was my turn, I left the queue, put the sauce back on the shelf and darted out the store with thoughts literally crashing around in my head. I cranked the volume up on my iPod and carried on walking. With hundreds of reasons to BUY the sauce and eat pasta tomorrow, and hundreds of reasons NOT to.

I don't know why this is such a bug deal. It's one meal- my dinner is the exact same thing every night at the moment and ONE night of something different is not going to have any dramatic effect on my weight, my life, the world. Yet it felt like a HUGE deal to even be contemplating eating something different. Even if the "different" thing was a regular feature in my diet 6 weeks ago.

I went back and forth in my head about last night's post- old plan, new plan, scrap the plan...fruitarian? vegan? high protein? sodium? fibre? money? I couldn't step back and see the wood for the trees. I vaguely remember sending panicky texts to my mom, then ignoring my phone when she tried to call. I remember listening to Pete Seeger singing "Hard Travelling" at full blast. I eventually answered my phone, but when my mom started to get frustrated and yelling, the noise was too much combined with the noise in my head and I hung up.

Walking, smoking, walking, smoking.

Then it hit me. I don't NEED to give up my old plan, and I don't need to leap straight into the new plan. I can gradually work towards the new plan over the coming weeks- slowly phase out my "safe" foods whilst reintroducing new ones. It seems so damn obvious now. It's only taken me 4 days to realise that it doesn't HAVE to be so black and white/all or nothing.

I feel really stupid now.

I bought the pasta sauce, came home, tidied up the masses of paper around my apartment- pulled out a new notebook and planned the next couple of weeks out. They make sense. Suddenly my world stopped spinning wildly, my heart stopped pounding and I sat on the sofa staring out the window for over an hour. Just silent, sitting, breathing.

I started having thoughts of why I need to change the plan I have right now- why it even MATTERS even more. I feel like for years I had all these great motivating goals- as time has gone by and my recovery has been up and down, I've tried out all these goals. None of them worked out or felt as good as I hoped they would. I don't really have any concrete reason to change things, to keep working towards recovery, to keep fighting the anorexic voice in my head.

Nothing 'concrete' like a specific thing I want to be able to do (move to New York, dance, etc).

I do however have this: if the sheer hell of the past few days has been caused by anorexia, then that is reason enough for me to want to break free from this once and for all.

Up and Down and Round Again

"Know that when your mind keeps throwing up

roadblocks, you can just drive straight through them"

aah...the best quotes come from "Scrubs", don't ya think? :P (any other fans out there?)

So after yesterday's post, I was feeling pretty empowered. It felt good to put into words more about the real me beneath my eating disorder. I don't know what happened between last night and today, but I woke up this morning in a complete daze. The world seemed grey and foggy, despite the very un-Scottish sunshine. Shapes were merging into one and other, the world was tilting at funny angles. I could see people's lips moving as they talked, but nothing seemed to make sense. Everything felt foreign and threatening.

Most of today has been pretty difficult. Not because it's Easter- my family are Jewish so busy with Passover festivities and I have spent much of the last few days by myself, avoiding any/all celebrations.

It's been difficult because of the ever-constant obsessing about food/calories/weight/numbers. I get like this sometimes- usually when I am tired or overwhelmed. I usually spend an evening frantically writing out lists, go to bed and feel better once I wake up. This hasn't eased up since the other night- sleep isn't helping, distractions aren't helping. NOTHING seems to be helping and I am frustrated beyond belief at how this electricity is pulsing through my brain. My head hurts, my notepads are filled, my meal plans torn up and rewritten a zillion times (sorry trees!)

I really don't know quite what to try at this point so I am going to cut to the chase and say exactly where I am at with this right now.

I know I need to change/increase what I am eating. I have gotten my head around accepting that fact. So what is stopping me? Partly very stupid reasons. The "safe" fall-back food I eat comes in a can and was on special offer a while ago- that's partly why I have been eating it every day. I must have bought about 60 of these damn things. I still have 18 left...so by my logic, I should keep things the same for the next 18 days. Then I toyed with the idea of changing one of my other meals- but again, I stocked up on the items and have enough for another 3 weeks.

Two problems:

1) I have rewritten a decent meal plan when I was calm/rational, and it does NOT include these "safe" foods. It's not an overly scary meal plan in itself, but I have very particular associations now with these certain foods and I think it's best to avoid them completely for a while.

2) I hate wasting food- granted, these are canned/boxed items and good for a loooooooong time, but I get anxious having food around if I am not "scheduled" to eat it.

So that's where things stand. I HAVE a decent meal plan set-up, but am all stocked up for the next while for the current plan. The plan that is making me feel like crap mentally/physically (it's NOT an "restriction" plan, but is certainly not adequate in terms of nutrients, calories, etc for my body).

Then there is the whole fear of changing things and getting rid of my current staple foods (despite the fact that I am sick to death of them and actually feel like crying at the thought of one.more.damn.bite.of.this.crap).

It's so hard to step back and be rational when it comes to food. There is so much emotion tied into it, so many implications of eating- it's not as straightforward as just eating what tastes good/makes me feel good. The foods I enjoy are harder because I question whether I deserve to enjoy food and start feeling like a "fraud" of an anorexic. Which is, in itself, crazy because I abhor the label and want to be free of this identity. There is also the issue of eating stuff I DON'T enjoy- it's so hard to justify it. For health? For energy? I don't, on an emotional level, feel like I personally have a need for food. Beyond the bare minimum to keep my body ticking along, and even that at times is hard to justify. It's just so bizarre to sit and write it out, read it back- I am almost laughing at how crazy this all sounds. Yet deep down, my thoughts and fears are deep-rooted and challenging them isn't so easy.

I am very tempted to just say, "f*** it"- box up the food I have bought for a time when I can incorporate them into my diet easily. Go out tomorrow and buy the foods I know I want to/need to be eating. There is so much GUILT involved spending money on food though. I am terrified of running out of food (hence the stockpiling of my staple items) and terrified of running out of money (in case I run out of food!)

Oy vey. It's Sunday night and all I want to do is curl up with my book and try to unwind. Maybe posting this and just having it "out there" (rather than jostling around my brain) will help.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Easter!

A Brain, Obsessed

I have mentioned a few times about how my eating is fairly repetitive- part of why I don't post pictures more frequently is because my lunches and dinners tend to be the same every day. I haven't been in this habit for a really long time (several years)- sure, I have gone through phases where certain foods make a more regular appearance, but since I was 19 (worst stage of my ED- basically was eating exactly the same foods every day which gradually got cut back as I ran out/stores weren't stocking the *exact* size/shape/brand I 'needed') I have made a VERY concerted effort to have some variety in there...

This has taken different forms over the years- from times where I would rotate the same two dinners, to times in New York when I ate out almost every meal and tried several new things every single day. For the most part, it's been somewhere in between- having food/meals that I eat a few times a week, but trying new things a few times a week.

Since moving into my apartment almost 6 weeks ago, I have pretty much stuck to a "weekly schedule". I have a few breakfasts I rotate, flexibility around snacks (within certain limits/criteria) but my lunches and dinners have been exactly the same. Aside from 1 allotted meal a week that I have something "new", though the past 3 weeks this "new" meal has just been repeated.

Obviously this is problematic. I can't go over to my mom's house for dinner, can't even contemplate the notion of a trip to NY right now...am bored to tears at the thought of eating this same thing one.more.time.

I decided on Wednesday night that I was going to switch things up and reintroduce some of my old fall-back meals into my diet. I ended up spending almost 3 hours writing lists, doing calculations, racking my brains for combinations that met criteria for meals in a healthy sense whilst being "safe" in an ED sense (note to self: the 2 aren't compatible). I sat, curled up on my sofa with 3 notepads, a calculator, old food diaries. Eventually I planned a week's worth of meals that I felt okay with. It was a rather awesome moment- a true "EUREKA", as if I had found the answer to world peace. I went to bed happy and relaxed- only to wake up a couple of hours later FREAKING out because I suddenly realised there were major flaws in my plan. Because god forbid I should be so daring as to get my protein from cottage cheese rather than yogurt, or tofu rather than tuna. I honestly feel like my world is held together by the exact breakdown of my nutritional intake- obviously I know that's not true, but that's how it feels.

So, I curled up on the sofa once again- notepads, calculator, etc, and got back to work.

I must have done this at least 10 times since Wednesday night. Suddenly nothing feels safe, nothing seems to make sense. Laws of science and nutrition, never mind LOGIC don't apply. The foods I DO eat were selected for a very particular reason (coincidentally, one of my meals happens to be the exact same meal I ate when i was 19), and to change it feels so incredibly overwhelming and threatening. So much information conflicting in my brain- everything I have ever read about nutrition/diet (eat soy/don't eat soy, eat dairy/don't eat dairy. eat healthy fats/avoid any fat, vegetarian? vegan? raw? nooooooooo!)

I'm trying to fight these thoughts with just plain common sense. I was eating different foods for 7 years with no major trauma. It's not physically possible to gain 10lbs overnight just by eating a different dinner. It's OKAY if some meals are a little lower in protein or a little higher in fat- in time, it balances out. I KNOW this on an intellectual level, but as soon as I talk myself round and feel okay with the idea of change, my brain starts throwing up roadblocks and "worst case scenarios" which I can't seem to shake off.

Every time I try to distract myself by reading/watching TV/cleaning, all of a sudden a thought will come into my head (more "EUREKA" moments!) and I have to stop, write it down, analyze it, tear it up, give up, go back to reading/TV/cleaning until 5 minutes later it happens again.

I don't know why I am writing this. I feel ridiculous. My mom and my therapist know I obsess about this stuff, but I've never quite shared the extent to which I worry about it. Or quite to what extent things have gotten to with both my intake and thought processes lately.

I feel like the last few weeks have been such a whirlwind- the horrible depression, followed by 2 days of BLISS, followed by this incapacitating thinking. I'm also wondering if due to the depression/psychotic reaction, I really let my guard down on the ED front and focused on the immediate problem- meanwhile, ED has crept in and oh-so-kindly taken care of the food front.

One part of me thinks I can't continue. The other part is saying, "eh- why not? what does it even matter at this point?" I guess depression is still lurking there too. The part of me lacking the motivation to do anything about this is, admittedly, the part that just wants to say "screw it". The part of me that I can't tell whether is depressed of sensible- the part of me that knows that all the goals I had about moving back to New York, work, etc...just aren't going to happen. So why bother trying to fight through barriers when I don't care if I make it to the other side?

Why?

Well the other part of me thinks that 1) of COURSE New York/work/all that "life" stuff isn't going to be an option in the current situation, but 2) I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THIS SITUATION.

I'm just not sure HOW. I am beyond exhausted right now. I've had such good intentions to change my meals over the coming days/weeks and the obsessing over it so much is draining beyond words.

This has been long and jumbled and probably not making much sense so I'll end now. I just wanted to try and put into words where I am at right now.

Hope all of you are enjoying Passover or Easter or whatever you are celebrating this weekend.

Aaaand...HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAIME!

Intuition Knocking At The Door

Kath posted her thoughts on the book Intuitive Eating and it's gotten me thinking about where I am with that. I, like a lot of people with eating disorders, really struggle to listen to my body and know when I need to eat, what I *want* to eat (versus what anorexia wants). I am fascinated by the concept of intuitive eating. I watch little kids eating- pushing away their plates when they have had enough, asking for food when their body is hungry, knowing what tastes good to them at that moment.

I was brought up in a pretty strict household when it came to food/meals. We ate dinner together with pressure to clean our plates ("what you don't eat will be breakfast tomorrow"), desserts and treats were rare, what my parents deemed as "junk food" rarely made an appearance in our house. I don't know whether I should be grateful for this, or whether I agree with this. I don't think it had any major impact on me or my eating disorder, but I guess I never really got a chance to be intuitive and listen to my body.

Since I developed anorexia, I have become increasingly rigid around what I will/won't eat. Certain foods trigger certain memories/feelings- not all "bad" (there are foods I won't eat simply because it reminds me of my lowest points), and treatment has helped somewhat in widening the variety in my diet, though also contributing on some level to the structure I maintain around meals (ie, we ate set amounts at set times, were encouraged to stick to meal plans when we left and branching away from our set plans wasn't allowed). I have improved a lot with this- the last inpatient treatment I was in didn't adhere to a rigid meal plan- it worked by calories, not exchanges, so allowed a little more flexibility. We had rough guidelines but were encouraged to really break out of our comfort zones, try new foods, face "fear foods" head on and discover what we enjoyed eating.

So where does this leave me?..

I still follow a pretty set plan of times I eat, types of food I eat. I've improved, but am in no way an "intuitive eater". I guess I am confused about when is a good time to try being more flexible. I am not in a place physically where I can afford to lose any weight, my current intake is adequate for maintenance, though only just. I guess the pitfall of breaking away from a meal plan is the risk of being too tuned into what anorexia is saying, as opposed to being in tune with what the real *me* wants.

Has anyone got advice about this? Has anyone successfully transitioned from a meal plan to a more intuitive way of eating?

My biggest fear is that I'll suddenly want to eat anything/everything. I honestly don't know if I am hungry or full- I eat according to the clock, and I eat the amount I planned. I've started switching things up a little (ie, 3pm rolls around and I decide I'd rather have granola + yogurt than a protein bar) but beyond that, I don't know when is a good time to start experimenting.