A Week In Review

Thank you so much for your feedback on yesterday's post- I was worried about offending people. I have a LOT of respect for all the bloggers out there and am glad that I have your support in keeping the focus of this blog on *me* and my recovery.

So it's been a week since I moved into my apartment. It definitely feels like "home", but to be perfectly honest, I am really struggling with a few things and am surprised to look back at quite how much has changed in the past week.

I have a lot of trouble with OCD-like rituals and routines. I don't HAVE OCD, and when I am at a healthier weight, my symptoms pretty much disappear. At lower weights, they become more and more entrenched. Part of why it was so hard for me living with family was due to the fact that my obsessions and purely focused around food/drink (timings, what I do when I eat/drink, my plates/food/blah blah). It threw up a lot of challenges being with other people and the occasional disruption to my routines.

Being by myself, there ARE no disruptions. I have free reign, or at least, anorexia does. I've fallen into a very rigid structure that I didn't quite realise until last night when my mom suggested meeting for coffee on Wednesday (cue: panic/terror/"can't drink coffee at suchandsuch a place at suchandsuch a time"). I sat with the anxiety for a couple of hours, my head spinning, thoughts racing about how I would manage, how it would affect the rest of my day, etc, and eventually decided it was too much for me to deal with.

Two weeks ago, with a little notice, I could have quite easily shifted things around and gone out at a time that isn't normal for me, and now? I can't even fathom the idea of breaking my routine. I usually see my therapist on Tuesday mornings- this week it happens to be an afternoon appointment so I cancelled. I cancelled the meeting to discuss my craziness due to my craziness.

Alarm bells are going off in my head- I went on a "spree" this afternoon and cancelled my dentist appointment, the scheduled endoscopy I have next week, officially let my tutor know I am not coming back to class. Then carried on my day with my usual...

• 3pm- xxx
• 3:15- yyy
• 3:25- zzz
• 3:27- cigarette (yes, I have set times for cigarettes too)

This is just...surreal. I didn't even notice this was happening, and now am back in the rigid structure that inevitably interferes with any hope I have of branching out and doing new things. I've also (trigger warning) lost what I guess is a "considerable" amount of weight given that it's only been a week. I'm not quite sure HOW (unless cheese is some miracle weight loss food?), but there is no doubt in my mind that the rigidity correlates with the weight loss. I feel so trapped right now. Terrified to break the routines I have set up, terrified to change what I am eating, terrified to let this carry on any longer. Now that I am aware of it, I feel obligated to CHANGE it. Because it's crazy and soul-destroying and making my "home" feel more like a prison. But at the same time, I'm not even sure how this happened so have no idea where to start unravelling it. I feel like anorexia has tied me up and is hitting me with a stick right now.

I think a lot of the initial anxiety stems from being alone in an new area. I have a lot of bad memories of this city and it's been really stressful for me to be by myself in an area that I don't know- I don't know how safe it really is, I don't know who lives around here and I am not yet familiar with the buses/"escape routes". I have no reason to believe that this IS an unsafe area, but I have no proof to the contrary. Oh, ever the optimist, eh?

For those of you who have asked about where I live: it is, by definition, "supported housing". What that means is my apartment is owned by a charity (rather than landlord) and they offer support with practical (and supposedly emotional) issues. In practice, this means that a support worker comes to see me a couple of times a week and check that I am okay/point me in the direction of community activities/sort out any repairs that need done in the apartment. It's a one bedroom furnished place in a residential block.

So that's my ramble/update on where things are right now. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point- hope that in time the anxiety lessens/I feel safer and can make some changes? Set some small goals? To be honest, I am bored to tears at the thought of "baby steps". I'm tempted to just rip up the mental schedule I have and say, "to hell with it" but I'm not sure that's the most effective approach.

Ack.

I do believe that awareness is the first step to change, and at least now I see what is happening (oh awareness, how I love you- if only you were ENOUGH!)

On to more fun stuff.

I am a firm believer that if you have a specific craving, it's because your body needs some sort of nutrient. Today I had a random craving for raisins. I generally crave non-typical things: top of my list are mushrooms, dried fruit and yogurt. I can live with that.

So back to raisins. I really wanted to mix raisins with strawberry yogurt, but was waiting for my bus and didn't have much time so grabbed something new for today's snack:

I've seen these but never looked too closely because I figured if I want dried fruit, I'll incorporate it into breakfast. If I want a bar, I want some protein power. But cravings are cravings and on closer inspection, aside from the chocolate, the ingredients were just dried fruit and flax seeds.



Photogenic, no? Lol. It was "okay". I think it would be good in oatmeal or something- sickeningly sweet. And trust me- coming from the girl who puts 12 sweeteners in her coffee, that says something! Or maybe I am just used to artificial sweeteners and not so much "natural" sugar (each little finger was classed as one bar- tiny, but essentially pure dried fruit). Am I glad I tried it? Yes. Would I buy it again? Unlikely. Raisins and yogurt would have been a better choice! Edited to say: maybe it's two fingers because one bar is enough sweetness?

I did want to title this post "Ch-easy Like Monday Morning", but this was actually dinner (I told you I can't cook!) It has been in every post- I can't do cheese at breakfast! Need me some FAGE/fay-eh (or whatever it's called) in the morning.

Yes, I did it again. I think I can confidently say that I am kind of bored with this now. I stuck the rest of my bag of cheese in the freezer- assuming it will be okay? My mom freezes her kosher cheese (presumably made by milk that comes from from matzoh ball fed cows) so I think I relax in the knowledge that cheesy apple oats are in my future.

Apologies for weird formatting- blogspot is giving me no end of trouble tonight!

There's No Place Like Home

Thank you so much for the well-wishes for my move! This is my first post from my new home... I am in the midst of unpacking, but after the initial stresses of getting the boiler working, electricity turned on, etc, my anxiety started to ease. As soon as I was set up with my laptop and coffee I felt much happier.

What makes you all feel you are "home"?

For me, having moved around so much over the last few years, there are a few things which really make me feel at ease with wherever I am. First and foremost, my coffee- made MY way, in MY mug. Second of all, my laptop. I take so much comfort in visiting the websites/blogs I love- I'm not sure what it is, and maybe it IS due to moving so much and having so much upheaval in "real life" but there is something very soothing about being in familiar places and I guess I get that from my computer at times (also dance studios- they are all basically the same set up/floors/mirrors so whenever I am travelling and feel unsettled/homesick, a dance studio provides that comfort factor). Lastly, my big baggy cosy sweatshirt. I actually have about 3 that I can throw on when I walk in the door, snuggle into and automatically feel my body relax, my mind refocus and I feel "together" again.

Another thing I want to share: it is almost 6pm and I haven't written in my food log yet!!! I have had most of my meals, prepared dinner and haven't even really kept a tally on my eating today because I've been so busy running up and down the stairs unloading the car, dashing around the neighbourhood picking up random groceries, etc. I am exhausted, but so incredibly happy right now. I've only been here a few hours so far and already it feels more like home than anywhere else I have stayed over the course of the last few years.

Of course, I unpacked the essentials first...


And my intuition was on top form today!


And of course I had to test out my can opener and microwave! Pumpkin banana peanut butter oats- I've missed this! In the mix:

• oats
• milk
• vanilla
• cinnamon
• banana

Topped with PB & Co. smooth operator peanut butter!

I also put a couple things up on my bedroom wall...

Hope everyone else's week is getting off to a smooth (operator!) start!

New Beginnings

First of all, a HUGE thank you to elle for awarding me this:


I'd like to pass it on to:

• Sam- her strength and courage is truly admirable
• Elise- a fellow New Yorker lover (and apparently my foodie-twin!)
• Lara- another UK blogger originally from the US
• Sarah- for her determination, kind thoughts and strength

Today is MOVING DAY, finally! This is a rather rushed post- I am still running around throwing last minute items into my already over-flowing bags and boxes! I don't have electricity in my apartment right now (!) so no idea when my next post will be, but THANK YOU for your feedback and thoughts on yesterday's post. I'm not quite sure what I am going to do yet, but my goal of intuitive eating for my afternoon snack is staying, and I WILL find a way to conquer the challenge. Awareness is the first step to change! Today is a BIG step for me and I am determined to start as I mean to go on. One bedroom apartment and NO room for anorexia!

Have a fabulous Monday everyone!

F-f-f-fridaaaaaaay!

I am so happy- glad it's Friday and definitely feeling better with today's "be here, be now" mindset.

I saw my new apartment and can now say that my excitement is overpowering any anxiety I had. The place is really cool- it has basic furniture (bed, sofa, etc) but is pretty much a big empty space so if any of you creative people have some ideas for jazzing it up and making it "homely", send them my way! I'm going to check out IKEA this weekend for throws and rugs. I can't wait until Monday!

I have been playing around more with my camera and have a couple of food pictures- I can't for the life of me figure out how to make an Amy's burrito look pretty. So tips on that would also be appreciated :)

Today's "plan not to plan" snack- an Atkins caramel cookie dough protein bar. Liked it, but definitely prefer cookie dough balance bars! I don't even know where this came from, but was in my stash so must have been bought at some point...


Dinner tonight includes this Amy's teriyaki bowl. It's only fairly recently that we have been able to get more than just a couple Amy's meals in the UK and I am really excited to keep finding more. This was really good and would recommend it, but seriously- 4 pieces of tofu? This girl needs more protein than that!


And of course, need to get my vitamins. Hollah!...



So what does everyone else have planned for the weekend?

Manic Monday

I just got the phone call to say that I have been accepted into the supported housing project, and am moving in next Monday! I am so excited/nervous/happy. I won't see my apartment until I move in (eeek!) but I am sure it will be fine... Time will tell!

I have been playing around with my camera a little more- still trying to figure it out, but am getting there...

Copying the "bag tag" thing floating around blogosphere lately, this is the bag I use every day:


Contents include iPod, phone, wallet, house keys, buss pass and random scraps of paper! It's a Kathy Van Zeeland bag that I got it in Macy's after my beloved Urban Outfitters bag literally fell apart on the street when I was visiting NY in November!

More of my New York purchases! I am a HUGE protein bar fan, and there is a very limited selection here in the UK so I stock up whenever I visit! This is only part of my stash, but includes pureprotein bars, Clif (and mini Clifs!), cookie dough balance bars, mini promax bars, an Odwalla bar, keribars, larabars and hot 'n' healthy squares.


This is another place mat I have- I made it in treatment when I was 20 and it's covered with inspirational quotes/pictures. Not unlike Jaime's vision board- it was a great addition to the inpatient dining table for me!


And finally, a picture of my oh-so-pretty lunch! I'm not planning on posting all my meals and snacks, but a few won't hurt ;) This is low-fat egg salad on a wholewheat English muffin (made in Scotland- does it still count as "English"?) and salad with honey mustard dressing.

I have never really made eggs except in baking or occasional recipes and always think I don't like them much- then am surprised when I *do* eat them, quite how much I enjoy them!

Also, please check out Lindsay's post- she's been doing daily posts with the theme of "loving yourself" and today's summary/wrap up makes great reading!

The Right Path

Thank you SO much for the encouragement you gave me regarding my anxieties about moving. I am SO excited to have my own place and I *know* that restricting/relapsing is going to wind up with me miserable and not able to make the most of the opportunities that I have in the coming months.

I need to stay on track for ME- why? Because I have had enough of anorexia. I have had enough of the endless thoughts about food and weight, the obsessing over minimal amounts of calories and balancing nutrients. I know where anorexia leads me, and it's not a path I want to keep going down... It's hard enough to stay on the right path without making it harder for myself by straying every chance I get.

I want freedom to LIVE in this world, not just exist from one doctor's appointment to the next, one medical crisis to the next. I want to eat peanut butter in my oatmeal and grab a sandwich when I am out with friends.

I want to smash down the walls that anorexia has built around me- yes, the voice can be seductive at times, but the other voice in my head that whispers, "keep going" WILL get stronger the more I listen to it.

I want a healthy mind and I want a healthy body. I want to feel and act my age instead of shrivelling down into a child-sized body. I want to take up the space in this world that is ME sized, not the size anorexia leads me to believe is all I am worth.

When anorexia is digging it's claws in, that's when I need to fight for what I know, deep down, is what the "real ellie" wants. Health, happiness, freedom. Giving into temptation once or twice? Not okay. It just makes it easier to carry on down that road and the time has come to break away and focus on the direction I want to be heading.

I may not have someone around my new apartment to be accountable for, but it doesn't matter. I am accountable to ME ultimately. I know whether I am eating enough, exercising enough. I know what constitutes a meal, what a healthy amount of exercise is. And more importantly, I know that there are far more interesting things to be focusing on than a number on a scale.

Scrapping "Plan B"

Every time I start to make progress, I have these niggling thoughts in the back of my mind of restricting at some point in the future. It's really hard for me to grasp the idea of never starving myself again. It's always *there*- I can do my grocery shopping for a week and plan my meals out and it's all good, but I can't seem to get my head around the idea of carrying on for longer than a few days at a time.

I am going to be moving into my own place soon, and although I am 100% responsible for buying/preparing my meals at the moment, and usually eat by myself, my thoughts are drifting to what I will have the freedom to do once I am on my own.

There is a small part of me that doesn't want to let this go. The identity that I have, the support I get now, the body, the whole kit and caboodle. Of course, on many more levels I DESPISE my eating disorder and am desperate to be 100% free, but there is this grey in-between area where it would be so easy/is so tempting to slip backwards into the shadows of anorexia.

I had an appointment today about accommodation (the plan is to move into supported housing, where I'll have my own place but have someone come visit a few hours a week) and whilst I was on the bus there, I started making my "new" meal plan, shopping list, etc.

I can't seem to grasp the concept that I don't need to do this anymore.

I still buy a lot of diet products- I argue with myself in the store ("why are you buying that one just because it's X cals less than the one you really want? you don't NEED to be stressing over such a minimal amount"). I still weigh myself daily hoping that the number will be less than the day before. I feel like my brain is splitting in two- the part of me that is talking the talk and making big efforts to change the way I think and act, then the lingering habits and romanticised notions of losing more weight, packing in the idea of "recovery".

I don't know if it's because I am scared of what recovery would really mean, or if I don't believe it's possible for me or if it's simply (ha- not "simply") the nature of anorexia itself to dig it's claws in every opportunity it gets.

Does anyone else find themselves doing this?

I am a little apprehensive of posting this. I don't want this to be construed as me NOT wanting recovery- I guess I am just struggling to get to grips with giving up my eating disorder. For many reasons. I think I had kind of hoped that having made the decision to get well no matter WHAT it took, it would somehow be easier.

I have to admit that this train of thought was prompted by me weighing myself this morning and seeing a significant change from yesterday which completely freaked me out.

Moving right now is a REALLY good thing for me and would be a GREAT opportunity for me to start afresh with the progress I've made recently and the support I'll have, yet my mind immediately jumps to how I will have the freedom to let anorexia run riot with no intervention.

(Possibly partly the idea that I will be by myself for the most part, and it's easier to give into my thoughts/urges than admit how scared I am that I'm going to fall apart without any type of accountability).

Fighting The Good Fight

This is proving to be incredibly difficult. I'm trying to redirect my thoughts, trying to ignore the urges to apply for jobs, book trains/flights. I thought, in my session yesterday, that this was no big deal. It's only a few weeks to commit to staying in Edinburgh and doing this 2-hour-per-week class. I don't know what to DO with myself. I spend hours upon hours applying for jobs, looking at apartments, creating a fantasy in my head of what shape I want my life to take on. Not doing that has left a huge gaping hole in my day, not to mention the aching in my heart to keep runningrunningrunning, and hoping that I'll end up somewhere I belong.

It's the same "climbing out my skin" feelings I had when I gave up smoking a few years ago. My thoughts are racing, my heart is pounding. It feels so WRONG to be doing what I *know* I need to try. The fact that it is proving so difficult at least consolidates on some level that yes, there is a wee problem here. I'm holding tight and using the same "delaying" tactic that worked so well for me with other urges (I give myself permission to do XYZ in 10 minutes...10 minutes later, I add another 10 minutes...then 20, then 30- you get the idea).

I'm ready to call it a night (at 7:35pm- oh yes, party animal at heart) and hope that tomorrow brings renewed energy to get through the day...

Meanwhile, I'll leave you with something I stumbled upon whilst fighting the urge to click on one of my bookmarked apartment listings sites...

The Eaters Agreement

(from Nourishing Wisdom by Marc David)

I Hereby agree, from this day forward, to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for such participation - a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, and of the life that dwells therein, I agree to be an eater. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.As an eater, I agree to hunger. I agree to have a body that needs food. I agree to eat food. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness and efficiency, the benefits of my well-being will increase. I further acknowledge that ignorance of the eating process may cause undesirable consequences.Because the essence of my participation in life is one of learning and exploration, I agree to experience uncertainty as an eater. I recognize there are a great variety of foods to choose from, and I may not know which to eat. I may have a choice of different nutritional approaches, and not know which to follow. I may have an assortment of habits and now know how to manage them. I recognize that my relationship to food is a learning process and I will inevitably make mistakes. Therefore, as an eater, I agree to accept my humanness and learn as I go along.I acknowledge that as the body changes from infancy to old age, so will the eating process change. I recognize that my body may call for different foods as the days, seasons and years progress. My dietary needs will also shift in accord with the changes in my lifestyle and environment. I understand that there is no one perfect diet.As an eater, I accept pain. I recognize that I may suffer pain when the body is disturbed by my choice of food or eating habits. I may also experience pain when emotional and spiritual hungers are confused with physical hunger. I further understand that eating to cure a pain that cannot be remedied by eating may bring even more pain.I further agree to accept a body that is imperfect and vulnerable, that naturally decays with the passage of time. I recognize there will be moments when I am incapable of caring for it myself. I agree, then, that to live in a body is to need the help of others. I also agree to be vulnerable as an eater. I acknowledge that I will be helpless when I am old and unwell. I further recognize that even when I am fully capable, I may still need the warm and care of someone who can feed me. Therefore, as an eater, I agree to be nourished by others.If I have a woman's body, I acknowledge that I have a special relationship to eating and nourishment. I recognize that as a giver of life, I am nourished of life as well. Whether through my cooking or the milk of my body, I acknowledge that the union of food and love is a quality that marks my womanhood and has a profound effect on humankind.As an eater, I acknowledge the domain of the sacred. I recognize that the act of eating may be ritualized and inspired. It may be given symbolic meanings that are religious or spiritual in nature. It may even be joyous.I further agree that eating is an activity that joins me with all humanity. I recognize that to be an eater is to be accountable for the care of the earth and its resources. I acknowledge that despite our differences, we are all ultimately nourished by the same source. As such, I agree to share.I recognize that at its deepest level, eating is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. I acknowledge that this choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. As a human being on earth I agree to be an eater. I choose life again and again and again...

"Dem Bones Dem Bones Need Calcium"

Everything about moving has fallen apart in a rather dramatic fashion. I was due to fly on Tuesday, have yet to change my flights but there is no way I can go. My apartment fell through in a web of betrayal, deceit and...well, mystery to be honest. I'm not quite sure what to believe at this point, or why things unfolded the way they did, but needless to say, my dreams to go back to New York in time for Christmas have been shattered. I can't really say more about it than that- I'm still reeling from the blink-of-an-eye way in which the coming months so quickly took shape, and then in a similar blink-of-an-eye way crumbled.

Other than that, things are kind of the same. Or not. I had gone to the doctor for blood tests last week to try and figure out why I am STILL sleeping 15 hours a day, STILL too dizzy and tired to do anything, STILL feeling like I have been hit by a bus. The lab results came normal, then the receptionist giving the results asked me if I had spoken to the doctor about my x-ray. What x-ray?!!! Turns out that my trip to the ER a couple of weeks ago resulted in bringing to light an abnormality in my spine. It seems that my spine is starting to curve- which explains the 3 inches of jutting vertebrae constantly rubbing on my chair. One word: osteoporosis. yes, at the age of 26, I am developing a hunchback.

Drink your milk kids.

I don't quite know what to say about this either. I'm going to meet with my doctor on Monday and see from there, I guess? I don't really know much about osteoporosis. I was diagnosed almost 7 years ago and deny it as much as I can. A quick google brings up images of x-rays that churn my stomach. Ignorance is bliss. Though I can't ignore the fact that I have to sit on buses and trains at an angle because the plastic bangs into my back awkwardly.

On a different note, I stumbled upon this tidbit of information today:

"your brain, which requires at least one fifth of your daily caloric intake to function properly"

who knew?..

Everything's Changed (Back To What It Was?..)

I last posted over a week ago. Things haven't really changed from a physical point of view. I'm still sleeping insane amounts, still feeling horribly unwell and still no clue what is actually going on with my body right now. Different people have different theories- adrenal fatigue, food intolerance's, depression, thyroid problem. It's all being investigated.

Meanwhile, on Tuesday night I started exchanging emails with a really good friend of mine in New York. Turned out, she is moving into a new apartment this week and looking for a roommate. Within 24 hours, I had booked flights, made appointments with a psychiatrist and therapist and am all set to go.

How do you know if you are doing the right thing?..

The reasons I left New York remain pretty much unchanged. The reasons why I want to leave Edinburgh so badly are accumulating by the day. I *need* to get out of Edinburgh and New York is the "easiest" option (as in, I know the city, have somewhere to live, etc). I don't know if it's going to work out this time. I pretty much stopped caring about ANYTHING somewhere amidst my move to London, and that also remains unchanged. I don't want to go back, but honestly? I don't want to be anywhere right now. I am NOT (for the record) suicidal. Hell, I don't want to be dead anymore than I want to be alive right now.

Something in the emails sparked *something* in me, and maybe now that the initial excitement has worn off, am just overwhelmed by moving, yet again, and the increasing frustration with the situation in Edinburgh.

I don't know what to do, and I don't know what my options are right now. There are so many "pros" to moving, and far less for staying. Lots of cons on either side. Nothing feels quite right about this, and I can't think straight enough to figure it all out myself. But I don't actually have anyone in real life to talk this over with...(and yes, I am aware how pathetic this is).

What Should I Do With My Life?..

In order to avoid falling into the same panic as I have been, decided maybe writing down my thoughts/feelings and the facts might help me figure out what I am going to do from here.

Backtrack a little...

The plan when I returned from London was as follows:

- get involved in local Buddhist community events
- use the limited support available from eating disorders service to the best of my ability
- enrol in a part-time course to brush up on computing skills, etc so that when I do move back to NY, have better job prospects
- look for part-time work (either voluntary or paid)

Then I got a phone call this afternoon from the eating disorders team in London saying that day treatment MIGHT be an option for me. Which would mean delaying New York and somehow figuring out a way to live in London whilst engaging in treatment. This poses a few problems. First of all, London treatment was the better of the UK options available to me. It's hardly great treatment. Better than what I have right now, but I'm not convinced that it's reason enough to move (initially had been combination of school AND college). I know and trust this program, but again, the treatment for adults in the UK isn't about recovery in any way/shape/form, and I don't want the stress of moving to spend 5-6 months in a day program where the goal is to "live with my anorexia". I've pretty much made up my mind that I *will* recover and will do anything for that to happen. I don't know if I can do it myself, but I am not convinced that going back to London PURELY for the day program is a wise move.

But it MIGHT work. Yes, I would much rather work things out here whilst living in a semi-stable environment, focus on learning/work/community activities/socialising but again, I don't know how well that is going to work out...it's pretty much what I did when I came back this time last year.

There is so much to consider. So many options and so many limitations.

A few things I am certain about...

- I want to live in New York
- in order to DO that, I need to be in a strong enough position mentally and physically to hold down a full-time job and not *need* so much input from medical team
- friends are what keep me going. It's my social life and the culture in New York that I absolutely LOVE
- I need to recover. No more time to waste pissing around, trying to "stabilise", pretending I am tryingreallyhard when I know I could be pushing myself a LOT harder than I am

The real question is, how do I get from where I am to where I want to be? If I get the opportunity, do I try the day program in London? Or do I try to work with what's on offer in Scotland? Or do I brush it off and focus on building a life for myself based around community support/the real world and try to 'squeeze' my eating disorder out of my life? Or do I go into an inpatient program in NY (refeeding- nothing more) and hope that with weight gain comes something more? (Kind of "been there, done that").

Aaaaaargh. I'm so confused.

Changes On The Horizon

Everything suddenly seems to be happening so fast. Too fast. I have been offered a place at college to do a course I am really interested in. I applied, thinking that 1) I wouldn't get in, and 2) that it didn't start for another month.

I got a place.

It starts in less than two weeks.

No problem with this, except that it is 500 miles away.

Suddenly it seems a little daunting.

I want to move. I NEED to move (which was partly why I applied), but suddenly have run out of time and there is just so.much.to.do.

I know me, and I know it will all come together in a manic organising frenzy. I'll sort out accommodation, packing, train fares. I'll do the paperwork, buy the textbooks- fly through the first month on adrenaline, then it will hit me that I really didn't think this through at all.

THEN WHAT?

Then I'll be 500 miles away from "home"- my family, my treatment team, all that is familiar. I'll be waiting for an intake with my new treatment team, the stress of my course will be kicking in, everything will be overwhelming and without the adrenaline, I'll crumble.

I need to stop this spiral before it starts.

Breathe. Relax. Remind myself that this course isn't the be-all and end-all. It's only a year. I don't have to do it forever if I decide it's not right. I can always come back here. I have more friends and support in London than I have up here- hell, the only reason I moved here in the first place was to live with my dad, and he moved 1000 miles away a year ago. I WANT this. I want to move, and at least with college starting, I'll have structure and deadlines and momentum to get me through the stress of moving (I thrive under pressure, then crumble when the initial stress is lifted).

This has the potential to be a disaster. It also has the potential to be amazing. I'm going to focus on the "amazing" aspect for now...