Friday, 20 February 2009

The Right Path

Thank you SO much for the encouragement you gave me regarding my anxieties about moving. I am SO excited to have my own place and I *know* that restricting/relapsing is going to wind up with me miserable and not able to make the most of the opportunities that I have in the coming months.

I need to stay on track for ME- why? Because I have had enough of anorexia. I have had enough of the endless thoughts about food and weight, the obsessing over minimal amounts of calories and balancing nutrients. I know where anorexia leads me, and it's not a path I want to keep going down... It's hard enough to stay on the right path without making it harder for myself by straying every chance I get.

I want freedom to LIVE in this world, not just exist from one doctor's appointment to the next, one medical crisis to the next. I want to eat peanut butter in my oatmeal and grab a sandwich when I am out with friends.

I want to smash down the walls that anorexia has built around me- yes, the voice can be seductive at times, but the other voice in my head that whispers, "keep going" WILL get stronger the more I listen to it.

I want a healthy mind and I want a healthy body. I want to feel and act my age instead of shrivelling down into a child-sized body. I want to take up the space in this world that is ME sized, not the size anorexia leads me to believe is all I am worth.

When anorexia is digging it's claws in, that's when I need to fight for what I know, deep down, is what the "real ellie" wants. Health, happiness, freedom. Giving into temptation once or twice? Not okay. It just makes it easier to carry on down that road and the time has come to break away and focus on the direction I want to be heading.

I may not have someone around my new apartment to be accountable for, but it doesn't matter. I am accountable to ME ultimately. I know whether I am eating enough, exercising enough. I know what constitutes a meal, what a healthy amount of exercise is. And more importantly, I know that there are far more interesting things to be focusing on than a number on a scale.


Lauryn said...

amazing post! you are SO right, living life under rules and restrictions is not living at all! we are, as you said, only accountable for ourselves, and i'm so glad you're taking care of YOU!

dancelikenooneiswatching said...

you said it :)
keep believing...the world is yours
lots of love xx

Sarah said...

You said it best: "I want to take up space in this world that is ME sized".
I. LOVE. IT. We all deserve to carve out a place in this life that is the perfect size for us! When it comes down to it, ED is all about taking away our "me space", shrinking us down to nothing, being afraid to take up even an inch of room. My therapist told me exactly that the other day-she said I was bringing maybe a millimeter of me into the room, rather than my whole self. This made a huge impact on me-who wants to be the person in the room who isn't really there?? NOT ME-and NOT you either :)! Thanks for the wonderful post, and keep having faith in yourself and your strength! And have a wonderful Friday!

Danielle said...

Great post, you're going to do amazing!

Jaime said...

hey girl! you are amazing!! you know what? while it's true-- i do find it easier to ease up on food at my mum n dads-- i have lived on my own for 4 years now-- you will be fine! you will be accountable for YOU-- this is something YOU truly want-- you will do it girl! :) i have all the faith in ya oxox

Anonymous said...

Beautiful words again.
You need to realize that YOU are the most important thing and you seem to be on that track.
"but the other voice in my head that whispers, "keep going" WILL get stronger the more I listen to it." Keep listening to that voice. Eventually it will scream above the ED voice.
You deserve to be healthy and you will be healthy.
Keep up the amazing spirit!!!

Jaime said...

oh yes and by the way! girll i know NOTHING about cooking-- i just boiled up some rice and tossed in veggies and tofu last night somehow managing to not cause a fire! you can make pasta sauce? you are a step ahead of me! hehehe. i dont have any recipes i know off hand but i'm going to start challenging myself to cook once a week or so! we should try it together :) xo