Thank you SO much for the encouragement you gave me regarding my anxieties about moving. I am SO excited to have my own place and I *know* that restricting/relapsing is going to wind up with me miserable and not able to make the most of the opportunities that I have in the coming months.
I need to stay on track for ME- why? Because I have had enough of anorexia. I have had enough of the endless thoughts about food and weight, the obsessing over minimal amounts of calories and balancing nutrients. I know where anorexia leads me, and it's not a path I want to keep going down... It's hard enough to stay on the right path without making it harder for myself by straying every chance I get.
I want freedom to LIVE in this world, not just exist from one doctor's appointment to the next, one medical crisis to the next. I want to eat peanut butter in my oatmeal and grab a sandwich when I am out with friends.
I want to smash down the walls that anorexia has built around me- yes, the voice can be seductive at times, but the other voice in my head that whispers, "keep going" WILL get stronger the more I listen to it.
I want a healthy mind and I want a healthy body. I want to feel and act my age instead of shrivelling down into a child-sized body. I want to take up the space in this world that is ME sized, not the size anorexia leads me to believe is all I am worth.
When anorexia is digging it's claws in, that's when I need to fight for what I know, deep down, is what the "real ellie" wants. Health, happiness, freedom. Giving into temptation once or twice? Not okay. It just makes it easier to carry on down that road and the time has come to break away and focus on the direction I want to be heading.
I may not have someone around my new apartment to be accountable for, but it doesn't matter. I am accountable to ME ultimately. I know whether I am eating enough, exercising enough. I know what constitutes a meal, what a healthy amount of exercise is. And more importantly, I know that there are far more interesting things to be focusing on than a number on a scale.
a year & a half old.
3 months ago