Thursday, 19 February 2009

Scrapping "Plan B"

Every time I start to make progress, I have these niggling thoughts in the back of my mind of restricting at some point in the future. It's really hard for me to grasp the idea of never starving myself again. It's always *there*- I can do my grocery shopping for a week and plan my meals out and it's all good, but I can't seem to get my head around the idea of carrying on for longer than a few days at a time.

I am going to be moving into my own place soon, and although I am 100% responsible for buying/preparing my meals at the moment, and usually eat by myself, my thoughts are drifting to what I will have the freedom to do once I am on my own.

There is a small part of me that doesn't want to let this go. The identity that I have, the support I get now, the body, the whole kit and caboodle. Of course, on many more levels I DESPISE my eating disorder and am desperate to be 100% free, but there is this grey in-between area where it would be so easy/is so tempting to slip backwards into the shadows of anorexia.

I had an appointment today about accommodation (the plan is to move into supported housing, where I'll have my own place but have someone come visit a few hours a week) and whilst I was on the bus there, I started making my "new" meal plan, shopping list, etc.

I can't seem to grasp the concept that I don't need to do this anymore.

I still buy a lot of diet products- I argue with myself in the store ("why are you buying that one just because it's X cals less than the one you really want? you don't NEED to be stressing over such a minimal amount"). I still weigh myself daily hoping that the number will be less than the day before. I feel like my brain is splitting in two- the part of me that is talking the talk and making big efforts to change the way I think and act, then the lingering habits and romanticised notions of losing more weight, packing in the idea of "recovery".

I don't know if it's because I am scared of what recovery would really mean, or if I don't believe it's possible for me or if it's simply (ha- not "simply") the nature of anorexia itself to dig it's claws in every opportunity it gets.

Does anyone else find themselves doing this?

I am a little apprehensive of posting this. I don't want this to be construed as me NOT wanting recovery- I guess I am just struggling to get to grips with giving up my eating disorder. For many reasons. I think I had kind of hoped that having made the decision to get well no matter WHAT it took, it would somehow be easier.

I have to admit that this train of thought was prompted by me weighing myself this morning and seeing a significant change from yesterday which completely freaked me out.

Moving right now is a REALLY good thing for me and would be a GREAT opportunity for me to start afresh with the progress I've made recently and the support I'll have, yet my mind immediately jumps to how I will have the freedom to let anorexia run riot with no intervention.

(Possibly partly the idea that I will be by myself for the most part, and it's easier to give into my thoughts/urges than admit how scared I am that I'm going to fall apart without any type of accountability).


Danielle said...

How exciting that you'll soon be moving out on your own. I think it's going to prove to yourself that you can do this. I wish you the best of luck!

Sarah said...

I identify with your mixed emotions COMPLETELY! It is SO frustrating/scary/confusing to have these two "voices" in your head...the one that wants to recover and live a positive, healthy life, and the one that is terrified of this and wants to restrict and control. I struggle with this daily, but right now I'm just trying to focus on the fact that even recognizing that one voice is unhealthy is a HUGE step...a month ago I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing. So treat yourself well, try to listen to the positive voice as much as possible, and ride it out...that's not very helpful, I know, but keep on chipping away at that awful ED voice-you can do it!

Oh, and I love the lyrics, thanks so much!! What song are they from?

Anonymous said...

You are like my long lost twin (I suppose in my case it would be triplet, since I already have a twin). But your thoughts are my EXACT SAME THOUGHTS. I DO THAT ALL THE TIME!!! In fact, I was stressing over X amount of calories today. Or even though I know I need to gain weight, I still would love to see the scale go down.
Don't allow the ED to be part of your identity, because it is not who you are in the least bit.
Chaning the behavior is so difficult, but I find that is it probably the most important part. So, maybe I am being hypocritical, seeing as though I struggle with the actual "doing" part, but as Nike says, "Just do it."
Embrace the anxiety...and then the next day think about what was the outcome of the healthy behavior that ED tells you is so bad. Chances are, it's probably a good outcome.
Keep up the faith. And thank you so much for your honesty. I completely feel the same way. AND I MEAN COMPLETELY. You took the words right out of my mouth (well, you did say it a lot better).
Thanks so much.

elise said...

thanks for the comment! i hope your thurs is going well too. to answer your Q re seitan, i usually buy the westsoy brand with tradiational seasoning (its in a blue box). i like it so much, i dont add any flavoring to it. ofcourse it can be seasoned as well, but it really doesnt need it (SO good on its own). theres also a stir-fry seasoned one you can buy (also westsoy), i think its in a red box.

let me know if you try it!

Elle said...

I can completely relate to EXACTLY what you described. I have moments of clarity where I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realize that I look horribly unhealthy. Then I walk into the kitchen and obsess over a trivial amount of calories between lunch option 1 and lunch option 2, or feel guilty for opting for the regular yogurt instead of nonfat.

It's really hard to get your head around the fact that you're your own worst enemy but also ultimately responsible for taking the actions to start getting well. I know it's not an easy thing to admit that you're struggling, especially when you've made up your mind that you're GOING to recover.

Just know that you're not going through this alone. I'm in the exact place you described, and if you ever need a little extra support or just want to chat with someone who can relate, don't hesitate for a second to say "hi" or get a hold of me on my blog.

Jaime said...

hey girl. i can totally relate to you here-- this is exactly how i was feeling a few months before i made the DEFINITE decision that i was giving up DE for good. it's hard yes-- but you want your life-- and life is pretty hard to live with a demon like ED/DE on your back. today, my nutritionist told me that i would probably alwyas have the eatin disorder voice in my head (so positive isnt she?) yet my REACTIONS and how i DEAL will be entirely different-- this made sense.. my aunt had severe anorexia in her 20s (shes in her 50s now) she still exercises a lot and is health conscious-- yet not obsessive/restrictive. i think it's all about findin the HEALTHY balance and this DOES NOT involve listenin to ED and restrction-- it's all about living and adapting to life.! xoxox

Thinspired said...

Thank you so much for looking into those pumpkin raviolis for me--that was so thoughtful! I will definitely have a look that next time I am at M&S. They sound wonderful.

Try to look at this move as a fresh start for you, the BEST and healthiest you possible, and that does NOT include ED. You can do it :)