First of all, thank you for the support and feedback on breaking rituals. I talked a bit about this in therapy today and we are going to start setting very concrete/specific goals to tackle this :)
Okay, now don't laugh at me for this...
For the last few weeks, I have been starting to feel really anxious about my age, getting "older", the connotations of being a "real" adult, etc. All that hoopla. Yesterday I had to give my date of birth for something, and I realised that I am actually a year younger than I had thought.
Age has NEVER been a big deal for me at all, and it's only recently that I've been having these panicky moments about suddenly being older. It's strangely liberating to feel like I have had an extra year added onto my life! Haha...
Question: Imagine you were given an "extra" year to do whatever you wanted in, with no repercussions (financial, physical, emotional, etc). Kind of like going to an alternate reality exactly like this one, for one year- 12 months from now, you come right back to *this moment* with no evidence whatsoever of what you did on your "extra" year...What would you do with the 365 days? What about that time would be different from how you will be spending the coming year? And of course, WHY?
My answer: I'd go travelling. I've always wanted to tour around America and would love to go to Australia. Money wouldn't be an issue because all my debts would be cleared! I'd definitely go to lots of restaurants and try foods I otherwise avoid*. I would definitely take a lot of dance classes- breakdancing, to be precise... I can't do that now due to my osteoporosis, but if I knew that regardless of what I did, a year from now things would be as they stand today, I'd definitely go for it, also paragliding! I'd love to spend some time living in a Buddhist community doing volunteer work. I am fascinated by Eastern philosophy and would love to learn hands-on more about it. I'd probably be a lot more honest and open with people if I knew that they wouldn't remember it- practice for the years that followed in developing assertiveness! In short, I think I'd throw myself headfirst into LIFE and really find out what *I* am all about, without any kind of anxiety/fear that I might have otherwise.
This has kind of made me realise the things I WANT to do, but don't. Money and practical issues are valid, but so many of the things I have always wanted to do, I haven't due to my eating disorder.
* I am going to write a list of these and start working through them and facing my fears head on. Anyone want to join me in this?
ten months old.
4 weeks ago