Day 2 of no over-walking and I'm going strong, guys! My ankles are feeling a little better thankfully. Aaaaaaand, the world is still turning, my clothes still fit and nothing majorly disastrous has happened as a result of me.slowing.down. 'Tis all good on that front.
Today's actually been a pretty good day. I'm just feeling more on top of things, more at ease with the present moment, more "okay" with just *being*, and accepting things as they are right now. Still aware of progress to be made, but not quite as frustrated with how long that takes/ready to pack it in because it's too hard. Kinda rollin' with the punches.
Something I am struggling with at the moment is the feeling of being invisible, of not being special, important, good- a good friend, a good student, a good patient, a good sister, a good "recoverer", a "good" anorexic (I know there is no such thing, but ya know what I mean!)
This has been something I've really struggled with for...uh...forever. Not so much a need to stand out, but the need to feel like I am a worthwhile person. My eating disorder definitely came into this because it gave me a focus, something I was good at, something that didn't need other people to give me credit for. A stumbling block I have come up against time and time again in recovery has been loving ME for being ME. Being able to take care of myself because I'm worth it. NOT because I won a competition or got good grades, or because I was invited to a party or because someone told me I am loved. Just doing it because I value myself enough to not care so much about what's going on around me.
I've been to self-esteem group therapy, read the handouts, recited my affirmations. But honestly? Deep down I feel like it doesn't apply to ME. Yes, others, I can see that. But I feel like the reason I don't have self-esteem is because I genuinely am not worth it.
I never really paid attention in therapy to self-esteem groups or books or anything because I felt like I didn't have self-esteem because I knew a truth about myself that others didn't see!
This isn't a shameless plug for people to say I rock (lol), but has anyone else dealt with this and managed to find a way to at least LIKE themselves?
I feel kind of stupid even asking, because I read your blogs and think you are all amazing, but was curious if it is just me.
eleven months old.
4 weeks ago