Tuesday, 10 February 2009

I Think I'll Just Eat Worms

Day 2 of no over-walking and I'm going strong, guys! My ankles are feeling a little better thankfully. Aaaaaaand, the world is still turning, my clothes still fit and nothing majorly disastrous has happened as a result of me.slowing.down. 'Tis all good on that front.

Today's actually been a pretty good day. I'm just feeling more on top of things, more at ease with the present moment, more "okay" with just *being*, and accepting things as they are right now. Still aware of progress to be made, but not quite as frustrated with how long that takes/ready to pack it in because it's too hard. Kinda rollin' with the punches.

Something I am struggling with at the moment is the feeling of being invisible, of not being special, important, good- a good friend, a good student, a good patient, a good sister, a good "recoverer", a "good" anorexic (I know there is no such thing, but ya know what I mean!)

This has been something I've really struggled with for...uh...forever. Not so much a need to stand out, but the need to feel like I am a worthwhile person. My eating disorder definitely came into this because it gave me a focus, something I was good at, something that didn't need other people to give me credit for. A stumbling block I have come up against time and time again in recovery has been loving ME for being ME. Being able to take care of myself because I'm worth it. NOT because I won a competition or got good grades, or because I was invited to a party or because someone told me I am loved. Just doing it because I value myself enough to not care so much about what's going on around me.

I've been to self-esteem group therapy, read the handouts, recited my affirmations. But honestly? Deep down I feel like it doesn't apply to ME. Yes, others, I can see that. But I feel like the reason I don't have self-esteem is because I genuinely am not worth it.

I never really paid attention in therapy to self-esteem groups or books or anything because I felt like I didn't have self-esteem because I knew a truth about myself that others didn't see!

This isn't a shameless plug for people to say I rock (lol), but has anyone else dealt with this and managed to find a way to at least LIKE themselves?

I feel kind of stupid even asking, because I read your blogs and think you are all amazing, but was curious if it is just me.

6 comments:

dancelikenooneiswatching said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dancelikenooneiswatching said...

babe, the fact that you have started your blog and shared your story with us shows that you know deep down you are worth more than ED...we are getting to know the real Ellie and from what i have seen she's pretty darn good.
Dont beat yourself for having bad thoughts, just recognise them, make them speak to you in a silly voice so you can laugh them off for the jokes they are and disregard them...you are worth the best in life and you will get it :) EVERYONE deserves happiness, i bet you cant think of a REAL reason why you dont..
lots of love xxx

ps i am taking my own advice for myself lol and totally understand where your coming from..we will get through this :)

kali said...

firstly worms taste like shit. my uncle david ate them when he was a kid and told me so and he never lies. worms suck.. don't eat them!

i write to the ellie i knew 9 years ago and i remember at that time differentiating between the two characters of you. ed and non ed. the ED you was mad as a hatter, outgoing, fun-loving, absoluetely hilarious (though this applied when you were ED and going for Nik n Kay-Anne! LOL - i remember cheering you on)

i always thunked of you as ellie. not ED ellie, and when i speak to you i still see that ellie and it makes me furious, really fucking MAD that he/she/it/ED has battled you so hard.

YOU are a bloody amazing friend - i can say anything to you even tho i haven't seen you in 9 years!
it so hard and i constantly come up against that invisibility thing - but fuck wellie (!) - look at your friends list, look at the contacts you have made and the number of people who blog, post and fb. i've said it before but BABE? YOU FUCKING ROCK!YOU ARE THE LIFE AND SOLE OF THE PARTY....

how do i deal with it? how do i accept myself? like you i sat thru all the self-esteem groups with metaphorical headphones on going `BLAAAAH BLAAAH BLAAAAAAH... whatever yes you are great and you sshould be great aand er? whatever....'
how do i like myself? BABE?> really? im fucked in the head, i am nuts, im not like everyone else and thats ME. im dealing with it and i shall be nuts and i shall go to therapy for the rest of my laughing life. It is that basic realisation that this is YOU. fuck trying to be accepted, fuck being what everyone wants you to be, ass long as you and your body can sustain life, be it. be fucking nuts because hell - 9 - 5 and 2:4 kids AINT ALL THAT!! (and also? its bloody hard to get size 4 clothes in the uk so may as well be size 6 nd look good)

essay written i love you you kick ass etc etc. bite it in the BUTT

Sam said...

Ellie,
FIRST, LET ME SAY, YOU ARE WORTH IT. SO WORTH IT.
I can relate to exactly how you feel. I am constantly feeling as though I need to prove to myself that I am worth it, because 90% of the time I feel like I do not deserve anything. My ED has outweighed all the good that I have ever done.
But, now, I realize that people do not see me for my eating disorder. Or at least just my eating disorder. Yes, it is an unfournate part of my life right now and hopefully, with time will become a part of my past.
My husband still loves me, my parents still love me. No one has ever told me that I was a bad person.
You are worth it; it should never be a question. It is okay to be selfish at times.
Just keep telling yourself that you are worth it; honestly there is just no question about it.
Everyone deserves to live life to the fullest--ELLIE is very much included.
So, don't question it, just believe it.
ELLIE IS WORTH IT.
Great post.
Honestly, I think that is the way 99% of us feel most of the time.
Keep your chin up and keep on fighting.
Sam

Sheena said...

Hey Ellie~

First of all thanks for the comment on my blog! I really try to experiment with my food so that I don't get bored. i think tonight is healthy bisquick pizza and salad!

Anyways, i totally know what you mean with the self-esteem. I can't take compliments and generally don't put any stock in self-esteem books or classes. It's so easy for me to tell other bloggers and such that they are beautiful and special without ED< and that health is teh most important thing and why would you want to waste your talents and energy on being ED-centric. But for me, I am not good until I get down to my target BMI. Even as I work to recover from ED, I still can't help thinking I am not good and that I don't deserve compliments until I am down to under 23 BMI. It's how I think. That's not true for my friends -- they are beautiful and special no matter their weight. But it's true for me.

It's a complete mental block. So I guess I am saying, if you find the answer to this an how to overcome this, let me know. In the meantime, take comfort in knowing you're not the only person to think this way.

Take Care!

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