Today started off kind of rocky. I'm not sure why, or what happened, but I just felt really down when I woke up this morning. I was worried about all the stuff I needed to do this morning, anxious about a doctor's appointment and just felt overwhelmed and stressed out.
Times like that, it's so tempting to just give in to whatever impulses come my way. Do whatever it takes to block it out, numb the anxiety, just make things "better" if even just for a short while.
I wanted to write about this because it is a trap I fall into, time and time again. Things go well for a while, I'm feeling on top of things and as a result, "deal" better... I eat better, sleep better, FEEL better. Then I have one shaky moment where I succumb to the oh-so-seductive voice of anorexia, and it starts a spiral, resulting in me falling backwards, sleeping less, getting more and more hopeless/depressed/anxious.
I left the house to go to my appointments, fully intending to exercise as much as possible in between. Then it hit me: recovery isn't conditional on feeling GOOD. Hell, if it was that easy, there wouldn't be a problem. It's about pushing through and doing what needs to be done REGARDLESS of whether it's a bad day or not. Following my meal plan, following my agreed exercise plan, etc- it's not optional. It isn't conditional- NOT "yes ellie- you do need to be doing XYZ but only on a good day...the bad days, do whatever you feel the urge to do".
Despite the negative body image thoughts.
Despite the feelings of anxiety and depression.
Despite feeling like I *can't* cope with this.
Despite the endless lies that anorexia spits out at me.
Despite the storms.
It's time for me to knuckle down and rock the recovery train, even if I can't seem to find my ticket right at that moment.
And today I am. And it's not easy.
But I'm doing it, and I know that by pushing through THIS day where I feel like packing it all in, I'm laying foundations for a better tomorrow.
Onwards and upwards guys!
ten months old.
4 weeks ago