Friday, 13 February 2009

Recovery Ain't No Fair Weather Friend

Today started off kind of rocky. I'm not sure why, or what happened, but I just felt really down when I woke up this morning. I was worried about all the stuff I needed to do this morning, anxious about a doctor's appointment and just felt overwhelmed and stressed out.

Times like that, it's so tempting to just give in to whatever impulses come my way. Do whatever it takes to block it out, numb the anxiety, just make things "better" if even just for a short while.

I wanted to write about this because it is a trap I fall into, time and time again. Things go well for a while, I'm feeling on top of things and as a result, "deal" better... I eat better, sleep better, FEEL better. Then I have one shaky moment where I succumb to the oh-so-seductive voice of anorexia, and it starts a spiral, resulting in me falling backwards, sleeping less, getting more and more hopeless/depressed/anxious.

I left the house to go to my appointments, fully intending to exercise as much as possible in between. Then it hit me: recovery isn't conditional on feeling GOOD. Hell, if it was that easy, there wouldn't be a problem. It's about pushing through and doing what needs to be done REGARDLESS of whether it's a bad day or not. Following my meal plan, following my agreed exercise plan, etc- it's not optional. It isn't conditional- NOT "yes ellie- you do need to be doing XYZ but only on a good day...the bad days, do whatever you feel the urge to do".

Despite the negative body image thoughts.
Despite the feelings of anxiety and depression.
Despite feeling like I *can't* cope with this.
Despite the endless lies that anorexia spits out at me.
Despite the storms.

It's time for me to knuckle down and rock the recovery train, even if I can't seem to find my ticket right at that moment.

And today I am. And it's not easy.

But I'm doing it, and I know that by pushing through THIS day where I feel like packing it all in, I'm laying foundations for a better tomorrow.

Onwards and upwards guys!


Sarah said...

I am pretty new to the blog world and stumbled on yours this morning ...I had to leave a comment because I totally identify with your post today, and find it so inspiring!! I, too, struggle with is so easy to to the "right" thing when all is going well and you are feeling strong, and an entirely different story when you are down...try to remember that ED is a coping mechanism for all of those negative thoughts and feelings, so of course once that is stripped away, when things are going rough it is going to be tempting to go back to something that has "worked" to take the bad feelings away. But you are strong enough to turn to NEW, HEALTHY ways of coping to make it through the hard times, and just recognizing that you want to turn back to old habits is a huge step in the right direction. You are strong, and you can do this-keep plugging away! Take it one day at a time, like you are doing, and it will seem more manageable eventually!

Terri Wall said...

i agree - some days are just so much harder than others. But be forgiving, be diligent, live in the moment. You should applaud yourself for choosing recovery, especially when it seems to be fighting you the hardest. ED only wants to kill us - that's his goal. The stronger we get, the most conniving he becomes. Like Sarah said above, one day, one meal, one moment at a time. Find the beauty in your day and let it warm your heart. i am proud of you! you should be very proud of yourself, as well! *hugs* terri

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your BEAUTIFUL post.
Your ability with words is just so amazing. You sum up exactly how I feel. Recovery to me is like a rickety roller coaster, with it's ups and downs.
No one said that recovery would be easy and no one expects it to happen overnight.
It is onward and upward--and you are right, there may be some downs thrown in there, but we just have to keep fighting up.
I am sorry you are feeling down today. I hope your doctors appointment goes well.
You are a beautiful woman and you will get better.

Syd said...

Ellie, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate what you wrote. I have times when the old feelings of being worthless come up. I know then that I need to use the tools that I've learned in Al-Anon. I added you to my feed reader. Have a good day.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, aren't you figuring out how to be a real champion?!

The ones who really make the change are the ones who can DO IT when they DON'T FEEL IT.
That's the real challenge.
The actual key to success.
Anyone can do it when it feels right.
If it were just about doing that, everyone would recover and the statistics wouldn't lean on the side of people spending year after year to an ongoing living death to ED.
It's all about being tough enough to do it when you don't feel it until you get to the point where you can "feel" the reward of the work where it counts!